How to get over a break up....... that happened six years ago

[Newgolddream70]

My exH left me at Christmas 2016. We had been together nine years and married for four and we had DS2. It was a huge shock when he told me he didn't love me and for six months afterwards I hardly ate or slept, it was awful. There was another woman on the scene (of course!) and they had been meeting up for a whole year. He moved in with her quite quickly after he left me and they are still together now.

Whilst I got over HIM, I haven't got over the way he treated me and I am still so angry about it all. I just want to let go but it's hard when he's very present in our son's life (which I know is a good thing) and he texts me every day to ask how 'our star boy is' and has he had a good day at school etc, I wish he would just bugger off! I know it won't be forever but it's so hard having to deal with him and I wish I could just disconnect emotionally from it all. A friend said to me 'why does he still get to you so much?' and I couldn't answer the question, he just does.

When we split, he lied at mediation saying he needed £X amount to rent a two-bedroomed flat but as soon as the signed consent order came back, he moved into the OW's house. He has DS 8 nights a month so he has lots of child-free time and his career has taken off. They have expensive holidays (DS goes too) and cars and a big house but money is tight for me and I had to start claiming UC at the age of 47 for the first time ever (I am now 52). The family home was sold and I managed to scrape enough together to buy a two-bedroomed flat on shared ownership.

It doesn't help that my Mum died during lockdown and I'm in the thick of peri-menopause so probably mentally not at my best but how do I shake him off and compartmentalise him in my head? Just not sure I'm ever going to be rid of him. Even at my son's football matches his grandma and grandad come to every match (ex's parents) and I feel I can't get away from his family. I don't want to see them.

I've been trying to write this post for a week. It could have been pages long if I went into my ex's behaviour but I wanted to keep it as short as possible!

I'm still waiting for the switch to flick, if you see what I mean but it's not happening. I want to feel relief. I see other Mum's moving on and having new relationships and I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest (maybe that's the hormones though 😆).

I am wondering if hypnotherapy would work. Any advice would be appreciated and thanks for reading if you managed to make it this far.

@Name99 yes I know. I thought someone would be along to say that and you're right. In my defence, this wasn't a recent conversation and I was on my own so long during lockdown that he was the only other adult I saw IRL to talk to. Sounds so sad!

Re ugh, no. I hate this part time parent rubbish where they do the minimal amount (by choice) but want the maximal effect. They aren't buying the disco outfit, getting kids ready, driving there and picking up, giving them dinner. But want to see the photo highlights and if you don't play along you feel like the arse. Just be the arse, look after yourself, protect yourself and move on. You do not even need to reply to him.

Next time he asks for a photo tell him if he hadn’t fucked off he could see the outfit in flesh.
At pick up don’t let him in the house he can wait on the doorstep.
You really need to stop being so nice. Fuck him!

@Newgolddream70 That sounds like a good start, speaking from experience it's so easy to get sucked into being too pally with the ex for the sake of the children. The sending photos part is hard to refuse and tricky because you want him involved in your sons life but at the same time not a part of yours! I think l wouldn't be mentioning parties or discos (if possible) or just forget to send them if your son tells him about them. Soon your son will have his own phone and can send his own pics!
Great you are on HRT already, and that you can get counselling through work. Look on it as self care where you can have a safe space, just for you, to unload and share your feelings and worries.

When he picks up he sometimes says 'can I just use your loo?' so that makes it tricky. Someone said to me it's like he's marking his territory!

@Seaoftroubles I'm glad you get it. It's so hard.

It is hard, but time to stop letting him take advantage of your good nature. You've had some good advice here. Pickup and drop off on the drive for a start, and don't let him in the house if possible. Keep things brief and business like. And consider getting yourself out there and meeting new people, perhaps doing a bit of dating, it can be a great way to re focus and stop you thinking about the past.

Put some shaving foam, aftershave etc in the bathroom. Give him something to ruminate on. That's all he's doing...marking territory and being nosy. Not once have I ever needed to use the loo when dropping my dd off at her dads

@supercali77 me neither! It's weird isn't it? I hardly go to his anyway.

Just stop responding to him. Even though it may be hard, don't respond to his texts. It's it's on WhatsApp leave him on read and just ignore, if he gets funny just tell him you no longer want to maintain daily contact and you will only respond when it's regarding picking him up. If he wants to know how your 'star' boy is. He needs to see him more often

Need to grow some inner strength op and just stop responding to him. I couldn't be arsed sounds like a complete knob! Make him wait outside when he picks your DS up!!!!!! I wouldn't put up with this stand your ground

I am divorcing and seeing a therapist.

She asked me to do an exercise to discover my core values. The top two for me turned out to be fairness and authenticity. These are two attributes my ex was very short on. I’m not sure what his core values are, but to me it seemed to be getting his own way and still wanting everyone to think he’s such a great guy.

I understand that this combination makes me get stuck in a cycle of just thinking “It’s not fair”, and I have to work very very hard to let it just go.

Intellectually I know life is unfair, but emotionally I can’t seem to accept it.

I agree with the daily texts, if your ex wants to know, he should see his son more often. If you feel uncomfortable at telling your ex what YOU want, think of it as just addressing the unfairness imbalance of the past.

This is weird if I’m honest. Why would OP want to give her something to ruminate on unless she’s still hoping they’ll get back together.

OP: I would get your son a basic phone and let him message dad on there. Your can get messenger apps for kids so it doesn’t need to be WhatsApp if you don’t want him to have that. It’s good for dad to be in touch with DS daily, you just need to disconnect from the situation.

Also with all due respect, your sofas aren’t his problem so I wouldn’t be discussing things like that with him.

*give him something to ruminate on

Tell him you've just put some bleach down it and it can't be used or mopped the floor.
Or just say no

Is it downstairs loo or is he going upstairs in the house.
No way should he be going upstairs

"Have you got a prostrate problem? You're always using my toilet. Must be your age. You should see the doctor. " Every time he mentions the toilet "Oh dear. Is your prostrate getting worse?"

But tbh I'd make him wait outside myself. Have ds ready and waiting on the doorstep?

He does it so he can tell himself he did nothing wrong, "Newgold and I have such a good co-parenting relationship, we get along really well, that's because I didn't do anything wrong, it was a good thing for us to split".

Tell him while DS was little, you felt the need to keep things amicable, when co parents don't talk or are bitter it leads to mistakes for which the kids suffer. He is no longer little and can advocate for himself. If he wants to know anything he needs to speak to DS or the school. You're not friends, what he did was not Okay and you are not "cool" about it. DS is your priority so obviously you will be in each other lives but he needs to stop inserting himself into your life. Lets keep things on a need to know basis.

And

"Can you go the loo before bring DS home, you shouldn't need to keep entering my home"

I live in a flat so all on one level and bathroom door is at the end of the hallway opposite my front door. I love the prostrate comment 😆

I think I've passed on my inability to spell prostate, though, sorry :D

God, poor you.

I understand your reluctance re phones, but in this particular situation isn't it worth considering whether you get a limited smartphone for your son - something that allows him to share pictures and texts with his dad (and only his dad - a phone that you can control, with no way to download new apps or browse outside safe mode).

Because I think facilitating daily contact between them is both brilliant for your son, and absolutely terrible for you. Have the best of both worlds by facilitating a contact method that cuts you out completely, and tell your ex that the daily texts are a bit inconvenient and overwhelming but hey, here's a bulletproof way for you two boys to chat as much as you like.

I've got an ex who looms far too large. The relationship was literally decades ago, but he hurt me very badly. I had to see him recently and I was genuinely shaking. My friends all said what your friends say - why does he still bother you so much? And after thinking about it I realised: he bothers me so much because what he did to me had an absolutely enormous impact on me. To say this isn't to compliment him, or attribute magic powers to him. It's just the truth. I don't love him or hold a torch for him - he's a desperately ordinary man. But for me, he was incredibly, profoundly impactful. And that's an ok thing to feel.

It's just the way it is; it's the truth. The way I feel when I see him is the way I feel, and I kind of no longer care whether anyone else thinks I'm 'strong' or 'badass' or 'totally over him' or any other garbage. It is what it is, and - so long as it doesn't result in any self-destructive behaviours - that's ok. Maybe the same is true for you?

He doesn't get to hear how your son is. Tough.

I love this idea!