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Original poster

Paying ex to come to daughters birthday?

55 replies

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 11:57

How do you stay strong when it comes to an ex and have strong boundaries and stop being a push over? My ex asked to borrow money from me last week I didn’t lend him the money as I thought it was odd he was asking me for money, we are not close and don’t have a good relationship and I’ve only seen him twice since October (he has only seen them twice in 2 years). He also doesn’t pay a single penny in maintenance and never has in 7 years since we been split. He has friends and siblings so why would he ask me for money? Anyway I didn’t lend him the money.

That weekend he was suppose to come for our daughters birthday but said he was not coming as he didn’t get paid (posted about this) but so many people on another group told me I should have given him the money to come?! He wasn’t asking for the money to come he asked on Wednesday for money which he would pay back on her birthday but apparently they would give their ex their last penny 🙄 and “contact and maintenance aren’t linked” I never said it was but was explaining why I wasn’t lending him any money when he can’t even pay maintenance and told me he will never pay a penny. If he was a good father that paid maintenance and never let the kids down then maybe I would have been feeling more generous but he always lets them down barely bothers with them. Was I wrong to not lend him money? How do you stay strong and have firm boundaries when people tell you you were wrong about stuff like this? His brother drives and I’m really surprised not one single person he knows would lend him a couple of pounds to get the bus. He also didn’t apologise to our daughter for not coming it was “not able to come didn’t get paid” which he sent to me (he didn’t say anything to her not even HBD) so I was left having to explain why he didn’t show up after her directly he was coming. I am now questioning myself I had already paid for his ticket he just needed to make his way there.

OP posts:
jsku · 29/03/2023 12:10

You did nothing wrong.

Why would you lend money to someone this unreliable. And certainly not to a man who completely abandoned his kids - both by not seeing them regularly; and by not doing his share in supporting them financially.
Contact and maintenance are of course linked…. Its one thing where a parent isn’t able to pay maintenance - say disability; loss of a job; other difficult circumstances.
Then, of course as the other parent you can be understanding.
But - when the ex partner refuses to support their children outright - then I personally think they give up on their parental role. And don’t really deserve contact.
And, usually - those kinds of parents rice themselves from kids lives on their own - like your ex did. And only show up occasionally over the years.

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 12:11

No you're good. He's not the paid entertainment.

Dery · 29/03/2023 12:14

Agree with @jsku - don’t know what that other group was but I don’t think you did anything wrong. He’s a grown-up, not a child. Could he really not scrape together a few pounds for the bus fare? Unless he’s literally going without food, heating etc, I’m guessing he’s prioritised spending his money on other things.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 12:15

Thanks both I’m a massive over thinker and have let the comments get to me. So many feeling sorry for him has me questioning it.

OP posts:
DPotter · 29/03/2023 12:16

You were 100% right in not lending your ex money and I'll tell you why

  1. never lend anyone any money
  2. you probably can't afford it, if you're a single parent with kids
  3. never lend anyone any money

I personally don't believe your friends would lend their ex's money - and if they are - well - more fool them.

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 12:16

They can lend him money if they felt so strongly about it. You aren't his mother why is it up to you to help him?

Fridaysgirl17 · 29/03/2023 12:36

No you did nothing wrong,in fact I wouldn't even have paid for his ticket you were doing better than me,my ex pays nothing either & hasn't since he left for OW 2 years ago,I'm in Ireland so I need to go to court for it which I'm working on,I've given him multiple chances to do it between us,asked for half what the child support would be but he refuses,the OW doesn't want him paying me as less for her & her 2 kids from a previous relationship & the 2 she's had with him in the 2 years, so I'll go to court & get the support as my kids are entitled to it,I'd love if it was easier like CMS (which I know has its faults) as I know all his details but unfortunately Ireland deems it necessary to go to court. It's not up to you to support him financially in any way even to get to see your daughter that is his responsibility as an adult & a grown up

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 12:40

I only paid for the ticket as the thing needed to be booked online in advance so I double checked he was coming and informed him I will book the tickets online it wasn’t too much luckily but I lost the money as it was non refundable.

I put my card details into his phone the last time I saw him because I needed to pay for something and my phone battery had died he said to do it on his as he had a money off voucher and would use it (however I noticed he didn’t) this was before he asked to borrow money now I’m worried he could use my card?! If I ask for a new one would he still be able to use the old details? I really don’t trust him now after asking me for money.

OP posts:
Naunet · 29/03/2023 12:49

another group told me I should have given him the money to come?! He wasn’t asking for the money to come he asked on Wednesday for money which he would pay back on her birthday but apparently they would give their ex their last penny 🙄 and “contact and maintenance aren’t linked” I never said it was but was explaining why I wasn’t lending him any money

So they say contact and maintenance aren’t linked (we know), but somehow contact and you giving him money on demand, IS connected? Can the handmaids please get their dickpandering excuses straight?!

NewNameNigel · 29/03/2023 12:49

Cancel the card! Why would you give him your details, that's madness!!!

You were right not to lend him money. He already owes you money from the child support he hasn't paid you.

Also, go through the CMS and get the money your children are owed.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 12:53

So I was ordering something on his phone and I put my details in to pay. This was before he started asking for money otherwise I wouldn’t have. I’m with child maintenance he just doesn’t have to pay any as he has deliberately created a situation which means he will never have to pay that’s why I’m confused that people fell sorry for him.

OP posts:
Naunet · 29/03/2023 13:00

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 12:53

So I was ordering something on his phone and I put my details in to pay. This was before he started asking for money otherwise I wouldn’t have. I’m with child maintenance he just doesn’t have to pay any as he has deliberately created a situation which means he will never have to pay that’s why I’m confused that people fell sorry for him.

It’s because he’s a man, don’t underestimate the internalised misogyny a lot of women have. If this was the other way around, and he was the resident parent and you weren’t paying maintenance, there’s no way in hell they would have told him to give you money, not a chance.

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 13:03

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 12:40

I only paid for the ticket as the thing needed to be booked online in advance so I double checked he was coming and informed him I will book the tickets online it wasn’t too much luckily but I lost the money as it was non refundable.

I put my card details into his phone the last time I saw him because I needed to pay for something and my phone battery had died he said to do it on his as he had a money off voucher and would use it (however I noticed he didn’t) this was before he asked to borrow money now I’m worried he could use my card?! If I ask for a new one would he still be able to use the old details? I really don’t trust him now after asking me for money.

Get a new one. Phone and check it will have a different cvc code on the back

isthisright247 · 29/03/2023 13:06

Who was this other group you were talking to ? they sound mental.

He's a shit man and a shit dad. end of.

femfemlicious · 29/03/2023 13:10

You were 💯 right to not give/lend him money. If he wants to see his children, he knows where they are. It's better if he just fades away from their lives.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 13:13

It was on a Facebook group for single parents. These were the kind of comments I received

Paying ex to come to daughters birthday?
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:15

Naunet · 29/03/2023 13:00

It’s because he’s a man, don’t underestimate the internalised misogyny a lot of women have. If this was the other way around, and he was the resident parent and you weren’t paying maintenance, there’s no way in hell they would have told him to give you money, not a chance.

Show quote history

Some idiots probably think he’s some sort of fucking hero for even offering to come to his own child’s birthday.
Have a higher bar than that, you did nothing wrong at all

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:18

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 13:13

It was on a Facebook group for single parents. These were the kind of comments I received

Man

NatMoz · 29/03/2023 13:24

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 13:13

It was on a Facebook group for single parents. These were the kind of comments I received

Hmmmm i bet that fb poster would feel differently if they knew he didn't provide any money towards his children and had barely seen them (twice in 2 years). He's had two years to save £20 or whatever to attend the party. Don't even get me started on last year's birthdays unless those were the two times previously he saw the children...🙄

Naunet · 29/03/2023 13:28

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:15

Some idiots probably think he’s some sort of fucking hero for even offering to come to his own child’s birthday.
Have a higher bar than that, you did nothing wrong at all

Show quote history

Yep! Isn’t he incredible, he still remembers his daughters name! He’s such an amazing dad…

blackbeardsballsack · 29/03/2023 13:30

Even if he did need money to get to the party, he should budget his fucking money just like you have to, not only for yourself but to keep children alive and clothed and fed. I would rather break my own arm than pay the ex who has deprived my children of a father in their life and any nominal contributions to their survival.

Endeavormorse · 29/03/2023 13:30

You don't need to cancel your card, just ensure 2FA is enabled when spending on it (in fact it's now pretty much standard with all banks). That way he'd need a OTP code to input which would only be sent to the registered mobile number (yours).

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 13:59

Yes I bring up our children alone I never ask to borrow money but if I did I wouldn’t ask him, even if I had no heating or food I wouldn’t ask him there are people I would ask and it wouldn’t be him I would ask people
close to me. He has plenty of friends and siblings so how is it normal to ask an ex I will never know?! According to that delightful man on fb none of his friends or family would lend him a fiver either? I wonder why…. 🤦🏻

I don’t know how to do the 2FA on my card that only seems to happen on larger purchases. I’m sure he may try the odd £10 here or there hoping I don’t notice.

OP posts:
winterbegone · 29/03/2023 14:16

You are not wrong, its pathetic that he can't afford to come, he doesn't pay maintenance so where is his money going?
Yet you manage to provide for your family and host a party. I think sadly he does have the money but is selfish.

Mabelface · 29/03/2023 14:21

You've done nothing wrong. He's just a sponging waste of space. I personally would cancel your card stating it's lost or damaged and get a new one.