Paying ex to come to daughters birthday?

[SpinningFloppa]

How do you stay strong when it comes to an ex and have strong boundaries and stop being a push over? My ex asked to borrow money from me last week I didn’t lend him the money as I thought it was odd he was asking me for money, we are not close and don’t have a good relationship and I’ve only seen him twice since October (he has only seen them twice in 2 years). He also doesn’t pay a single penny in maintenance and never has in 7 years since we been split. He has friends and siblings so why would he ask me for money? Anyway I didn’t lend him the money.

That weekend he was suppose to come for our daughters birthday but said he was not coming as he didn’t get paid (posted about this) but so many people on another group told me I should have given him the money to come?! He wasn’t asking for the money to come he asked on Wednesday for money which he would pay back on her birthday but apparently they would give their ex their last penny 🙄 and “contact and maintenance aren’t linked” I never said it was but was explaining why I wasn’t lending him any money when he can’t even pay maintenance and told me he will never pay a penny. If he was a good father that paid maintenance and never let the kids down then maybe I would have been feeling more generous but he always lets them down barely bothers with them. Was I wrong to not lend him money? How do you stay strong and have firm boundaries when people tell you you were wrong about stuff like this? His brother drives and I’m really surprised not one single person he knows would lend him a couple of pounds to get the bus. He also didn’t apologise to our daughter for not coming it was “not able to come didn’t get paid” which he sent to me (he didn’t say anything to her not even HBD) so I was left having to explain why he didn’t show up after her directly he was coming. I am now questioning myself I had already paid for his ticket he just needed to make his way there.

Sounds like drugs to me too.

I had similar with my ex, always saying he had no money, telling me he was sitting at home with no electricity because his pre-pay electricity had run out etc.
I used to drive us both to our sons football matches as some of them were an hour away, we got on at the time so there was no point in us both driving, he'd never have money and if I was buying the kids food after I'd get some for my ex because I would have felt bad. I gave him money to buy presents for the kids etc. In fairness he never actually asked me for money....but I think he was great at hinting/manipulating so he never asked because I would offer!

He confessed a while after that he had a really bad cocaine problem. I should have guessed that at the time, not sure how I didn't realise as I knew he had done drugs etc.

I’m really thinking it is drugs 😔 how do I proceed with this then… I really don’t want him around them if he is taking drugs and definitely don’t want him in my house. He looked extremely rough the last time I saw him like very rough. My son also said he had a bad smell but I didn’t smell anything (tbh I didn’t get close enough to him) but he didn’t tell me until after he left.

If he sees them once in a blue moon and you are always there, there really isn't a huge risk. Just keep an eye out. And really good boundaries.

Hmmm. Is that what the majority were saying or did one or two people say that, and you decided to fixate on them and ignore the majority - who were saying the same things being said on this thread?

I ask this, because I’ve read (and contributed to) all your posts about your ex and that tends to be what you do. You ignore the majority who tell you to (depending on the issue of the day) stand up to him/stop allowing him access to your home/stop letting him see your DC (as he upsets your daughter) and so on. You fixate on the one or two people that are on his side (generally because they have incomplete information) and that’s all you seem able to engage with.

At this point, I think you need to seek professional support to unpick your enmeshment with this awful man. It’s clearly not going to happen otherwise, and you’ll be doing this tragic dance for even more wasted years. Is counselling available to you?

Why are u expecting him to come to his kids birthday party when he's had no contact for 2 years and isn't fussed about being a dad anyway? You can't make him care and it's cruel to get the kids hopes up for their heart to be broken. It's better to have no dad in your life than a shit one that doesn't care.

Cut this guy right out of your life, don't reply if he texts asking for money etc and no, you are not responsible for giving him money.