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Original poster

Paying ex to come to daughters birthday?

55 replies

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 11:57

How do you stay strong when it comes to an ex and have strong boundaries and stop being a push over? My ex asked to borrow money from me last week I didn’t lend him the money as I thought it was odd he was asking me for money, we are not close and don’t have a good relationship and I’ve only seen him twice since October (he has only seen them twice in 2 years). He also doesn’t pay a single penny in maintenance and never has in 7 years since we been split. He has friends and siblings so why would he ask me for money? Anyway I didn’t lend him the money.

That weekend he was suppose to come for our daughters birthday but said he was not coming as he didn’t get paid (posted about this) but so many people on another group told me I should have given him the money to come?! He wasn’t asking for the money to come he asked on Wednesday for money which he would pay back on her birthday but apparently they would give their ex their last penny 🙄 and “contact and maintenance aren’t linked” I never said it was but was explaining why I wasn’t lending him any money when he can’t even pay maintenance and told me he will never pay a penny. If he was a good father that paid maintenance and never let the kids down then maybe I would have been feeling more generous but he always lets them down barely bothers with them. Was I wrong to not lend him money? How do you stay strong and have firm boundaries when people tell you you were wrong about stuff like this? His brother drives and I’m really surprised not one single person he knows would lend him a couple of pounds to get the bus. He also didn’t apologise to our daughter for not coming it was “not able to come didn’t get paid” which he sent to me (he didn’t say anything to her not even HBD) so I was left having to explain why he didn’t show up after her directly he was coming. I am now questioning myself I had already paid for his ticket he just needed to make his way there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 14:31

winterbegone · 29/03/2023 14:16

You are not wrong, its pathetic that he can't afford to come, he doesn't pay maintenance so where is his money going?
Yet you manage to provide for your family and host a party. I think sadly he does have the money but is selfish.

Apparently he would only ask me for money if he was desperate. No he is asking because he thinks I’m a mug who will just give it to him. The message wasn’t even polite. He texted me at midnight saying can you put £40 in my account

OP posts:
callmeblondee · 29/03/2023 14:33

Nah Fffk him and men like him. Abandoning their kids, total losers, dont even pay for them. Nope they get get nothign from me. I would cut him off, kids and you sound like you'd continue to be fine without him.

We really do as a society infantalise these ridiculous men and I am so over it. I am quite hard line with my now grown up kids, they know what their Dad was about, he was also a loser who didnt seem to ever grow up and didnt actually care about his kids, never paid a penny, drank it all most likey. I cut him out, kids are lovely and well adjusted adults. Somtimes cutting people out is the best option.

callmeblondee · 29/03/2023 14:36

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 14:31

Apparently he would only ask me for money if he was desperate. No he is asking because he thinks I’m a mug who will just give it to him. The message wasn’t even polite. He texted me at midnight saying can you put £40 in my account

Show quote history

I couldnt imagine being so useless as a grown man that not only do I not pay for my kids, I am trying to sponge off the single mother of my kids. He is literally taking food out of your kids mouths if you think about it that way. Not content to just leave you high and dry and not able to turn to him for any help, he is actively trying to make you poorer.
What a POS!

callmeblondee · 29/03/2023 14:37

Does he take drugs? Someone asking another person to wire £40 at midnight sounds sus to me.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 14:51

So recently I’ve suspected this… I don’t know much about drugs I have to be honest I have no experience with them so have been naive but he didn’t take them when we were together but I posted about his other behaviour and a few people have suggested drugs to me. When he came here last time he kept falling asleep on the sofa despite the fact that the kids were loud and running around he kept drifting off. I can’t imagine doing that in anyone’s house tbh never mind my exes where I’ve come to see the children. A few people suggested to me it sounds like he takes drugs which would explain a lot, he gets 2k a month and has no money? It’s going somewhere.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 29/03/2023 14:55

@SpinningFloppa like you, I must have missed the 'Good Parents Guide' page that says the primary parent who is paying for and solely responsible for bringing up the DC should also pay for the feckless parent to have access or just give him money when he can't be arsed getting a job or seeing his DC.

Utter nonsense. All you can do is have the DC be available on days he says (but we both know won't bother showing up) he wants to see them. You are not morally or legally obligated to do any more than that.

YOU are already paying 100% for all costs and bearing the time and emotional load of raising them. HE doesn't then get to add to that burden. His lack of finances is his own responsibility.

Tell him to f&*ck off and get a job. Tell the kids the truth each and every time he doesn't show up for them too. I wish my mother had for us when my own useless dad made huge promises then broke them and tried to shift blame onto my poor mum.

Tell them Daddy mentioned coming to her birthday but you don't know if he will but you will be there and you will make sure she has the best day every anyway.

That way you aren't talking him down (although he deserves it) and her expectations are managed plus she will learn it is his habit so she won't feel it like a rejection.

I'd also send him a laughing emoji as your final answer each time he makes promises to you all.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 15:43

There is a lot of background to it and to why I wouldn’t lend him the money even if he was starving he can use a food bank. He has been vile to me and the children, when I asked him for maintenance when we first split he told me “shouldn’t have had kids if you wanted paying for them!” And this is the person I’m suppose to lend money to when they need it? So many people were defending him as I said due to his behaviour on her birthday I had blocked him and it was “that’s abuse!” “You’re using the kids as a weapon” he’s seen them twice, twice since October! He didn’t see them from December till March. Money wasn’t the excuse then.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 15:47

The world is full of apologists, misogynists and hand maidens.

That doesn't mean you should be one.

And apply for child support. He owes you, not the other way around.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 29/03/2023 16:35

He's not ONLY not attending because of having no money as a one off. He's consistently shit.
Context is important here.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 29/03/2023 16:36

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 15:43

There is a lot of background to it and to why I wouldn’t lend him the money even if he was starving he can use a food bank. He has been vile to me and the children, when I asked him for maintenance when we first split he told me “shouldn’t have had kids if you wanted paying for them!” And this is the person I’m suppose to lend money to when they need it? So many people were defending him as I said due to his behaviour on her birthday I had blocked him and it was “that’s abuse!” “You’re using the kids as a weapon” he’s seen them twice, twice since October! He didn’t see them from December till March. Money wasn’t the excuse then.

If you posted that in the group and people still said you should have given him money, people in the group are stupid. Leave it.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 17:21

Yeah I said all the things he has said to me and why I didn’t want to lend him money but they seemed to be of the view that he ‘tried’ to come and it’s not his fault he couldn’t come if I wouldn’t lend him the money. At least he ‘tried’ 🙄 I explained he doesn’t work and hasn’t in years and he instead rents out rooms in his flat so he doesn’t have to work meaning I can’t get any maintenance payments and it was “well he is obviously desperate if he needs to do that, I would only rent out rooms in my flat if I was desperate” no he is not desperate this just means he doesn’t have to work, he was bragging to me about it. I’m not going to post in the group again it’s full of men with a chip on their shoulder and sadly some women were agreeing.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 18:14

it’s full of men with a chip on their shoulder and sadly some women were agreeing.

People never stop telling women everything is their fault.

MN is often a little oasis of sanity in the middle of the sea of stupidity. Stay here and hang out!

Gerwurtztraminer · 29/03/2023 18:39

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 17:21

Yeah I said all the things he has said to me and why I didn’t want to lend him money but they seemed to be of the view that he ‘tried’ to come and it’s not his fault he couldn’t come if I wouldn’t lend him the money. At least he ‘tried’ 🙄 I explained he doesn’t work and hasn’t in years and he instead rents out rooms in his flat so he doesn’t have to work meaning I can’t get any maintenance payments and it was “well he is obviously desperate if he needs to do that, I would only rent out rooms in my flat if I was desperate” no he is not desperate this just means he doesn’t have to work, he was bragging to me about it. I’m not going to post in the group again it’s full of men with a chip on their shoulder and sadly some women were agreeing.

Renting out rooms in his flat is income. It's just not taxable up to a certain amount if you earn less than £7,500 per annum. If you earn more than this you must complete a tax return.

So either
a) he's lying to you about his income (when was the last time you tried to go through CMS?)
b) he's defrauding HMRC and you can report him

Check the rent a room scheme details on .gov.uk

And of course you shouldn't pay him to see his kids. He didn't 'try' at all did he.

Re your bank details, contact your bank to set up better security on your account/phone. Everyone should have it.

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 18:45

Have you asked him why he thinks his company is so good that you should pay to have it?

What exactly is he offering for the money? A waiter service? A magic show? Witty conversation? Or just the same old incompetent clown act?

Rollerpiggy · 29/03/2023 19:04

Anyone who says anything to you, just throw the question back…”why didn’t you?! “ then let them sit stoney faced.
I wouldn’t lend my ex water , let alone cash.

Redebs · 29/03/2023 19:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 18:14

it’s full of men with a chip on their shoulder and sadly some women were agreeing.

People never stop telling women everything is their fault.

MN is often a little oasis of sanity in the middle of the sea of stupidity. Stay here and hang out!

Truth

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 19:10

Gerwurtztraminer · 29/03/2023 18:39

Renting out rooms in his flat is income. It's just not taxable up to a certain amount if you earn less than £7,500 per annum. If you earn more than this you must complete a tax return.

So either
a) he's lying to you about his income (when was the last time you tried to go through CMS?)
b) he's defrauding HMRC and you can report him

Check the rent a room scheme details on .gov.uk

And of course you shouldn't pay him to see his kids. He didn't 'try' at all did he.

Re your bank details, contact your bank to set up better security on your account/phone. Everyone should have it.

Show quote history

I’m with them. There are no payments, he told me he gets 2k a month, in fact he was bragging about it saying why would he work when he can get the same amount his friend gets by renting out his rooms (he lives in central London so the amount works out) I was told reporting him to hmrc is pointless as I have zero proof he will never admit it in messages just to my face. To cms he isn’t working so no payments due.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 19:11

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 18:45

Have you asked him why he thinks his company is so good that you should pay to have it?

What exactly is he offering for the money? A waiter service? A magic show? Witty conversation? Or just the same old incompetent clown act?

Tbh he just sits there not speaking.
I was dreading being around him as he has nothing to say for himself he just sits there looking at his phone.

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Redebs · 29/03/2023 19:17

Probably just as well he didn't come. At least you didn't have to listen to him making excuses to his daughter on her birthday about why he didn't buy her this and that, and why he doesn't visit more..

When parents split, of course you want your children to have a good relationship with the other parent, but in the long run, there's a limit to how much you can do to pretend he's a good dad. Will you end up buying her things and pretending they are from him? Will you pass on his excuses as if they are real?

Obviously you aren't going to bad-mouth him, but there comes a point when kids just realise that dads like these aren't capable of making the effort. It's so, so sad. All you can do is help her feel secure and loved and try not to judge him too harshly.

Redebs · 29/03/2023 19:18

She's lucky she's got you x

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 29/03/2023 19:20

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 17:21

Yeah I said all the things he has said to me and why I didn’t want to lend him money but they seemed to be of the view that he ‘tried’ to come and it’s not his fault he couldn’t come if I wouldn’t lend him the money. At least he ‘tried’ 🙄 I explained he doesn’t work and hasn’t in years and he instead rents out rooms in his flat so he doesn’t have to work meaning I can’t get any maintenance payments and it was “well he is obviously desperate if he needs to do that, I would only rent out rooms in my flat if I was desperate” no he is not desperate this just means he doesn’t have to work, he was bragging to me about it. I’m not going to post in the group again it’s full of men with a chip on their shoulder and sadly some women were agreeing.

In which case, I'd probably stop asking for advice on social media from strangers

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 19:23

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 19:10

I’m with them. There are no payments, he told me he gets 2k a month, in fact he was bragging about it saying why would he work when he can get the same amount his friend gets by renting out his rooms (he lives in central London so the amount works out) I was told reporting him to hmrc is pointless as I have zero proof he will never admit it in messages just to my face. To cms he isn’t working so no payments due.

Show quote history

Report him anyway. HMRC really don't like people not declaring their income and they have many, many ways to nail people.

PaigeMatthews · 29/03/2023 19:29

Goldbar · 29/03/2023 19:23

Report him anyway. HMRC really don't like people not declaring their income and they have many, many ways to nail people.

Show quote history

This. Report him anyway. Youve nothing to lose. I remember your previous thread as soon as you mentioned the renting out rooms. He is a loser. Do not give him a moments thought.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 23:13

Honestly I’ve thought about reporting him so much over the years but I just don’t know if it’s worth it. If I won’t get anywhere I’m not sure it’s even worth it. So many have said I won’t get anywhere without solid evidence. He intentionally avoids paying maintenance then I’m suppose to lend him money it’s a joke that people think I should, he wasn’t even polite in his message in fact I found it very rude. They suggested that he didn’t come because he doesn’t feel comfortable around me, yet comfortable enough to ask me for money? He wasn’t going to give me the money back on Saturday as he didn’t get paid.

Paying ex to come to daughters birthday?
OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 23:48

He also ‘joked’ 3 times about moving into my house the last time I saw him, I told him about something the kids did and he said “that’s it I’m moving in!” Then started talking about what he would do if he lived in our house, then went on to say his gas and electric is so expensive now so he’s moving in to mine now because it’s nice and warm 😑 so I wanted to give him a clear message

OP posts: