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Original poster

How to cope with my relationship anxiety

66 replies

Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 15:27

I have a an anxious attachment style. My bf is truly being slapped by life at the moment; he is in the process of divorce (separated for 3:years) and is crippled by the costs of entirely paying for the running of two households and putting a child through university, which is reaching a crisis point. The previous amicable relationship with his ex wife is breaking down and she won't agree a financial split.Coupled with this his business has taken a plummet. He is drinking more (not excessively but definitely more) . We don't live together and he is generally independent and needs his space. He isn't one to really spill his problems out but he does tell me. I feel selfish saying this but he just seems to be so flat and lacking in interest and rather going through the motions...we now see each other twice a week and he stays over once but he seems to be seeing friends more. He sometimes forgers to call and doesn't pick up if I call him; he will say he's passed out. It's really causing me so much anxiety but I can't raise it without feeling self absorbed. I appreciate that different people handle crises in different ways, when I was going through a black spot over a bereavement I would call him lots for advice - that's not him at all. Any ideas, I feel anxious and pushed away. It's even affecting my appetite and my sleep.

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 28/03/2023 16:03

You don't have relationship anxiety. That's your instincts you are overriding that this is not a relationship for you to be in. He's still married and dealing with separation bollocks. You're putting yourself in a situation that anyone sane would run a mile from.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 16:24

OriGanOver · 28/03/2023 16:03

You don't have relationship anxiety. That's your instincts you are overriding that this is not a relationship for you to be in. He's still married and dealing with separation bollocks. You're putting yourself in a situation that anyone sane would run a mile from.

I have done an assessment and I do have an anxious style of attachment. He's been separated a long time, living on his own for a few years now but I still take your point... divorces are excruciating.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 17:40

This isn’t you being anxious

this is him
pushing you away

and it’s mega baggage too

to be fair I don’t know if I could be fun
and sexy whilst this is going on

ask him ? Does he want a break

OriGanOver · 28/03/2023 17:55

You're blaming yourself and diagnosing yourself with relationship anxiety/attachment styles when actually the issue is his circumstances and how he is treating you through them.

Anyone would feel like you do in this situation. You're with a bloke who's technically married to someone else and hasn't finished splitting up with them. He's got all that going on and you're his girlfriend and you're not in a secure relationship with him and that's why you feel insecure. Your feelings are totally normal. Stop looking inwards and blaming yourself and instead see the situation for what it is.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 18:03

OriGanOver · 28/03/2023 17:55

You're blaming yourself and diagnosing yourself with relationship anxiety/attachment styles when actually the issue is his circumstances and how he is treating you through them.

Anyone would feel like you do in this situation. You're with a bloke who's technically married to someone else and hasn't finished splitting up with them. He's got all that going on and you're his girlfriend and you're not in a secure relationship with him and that's why you feel insecure. Your feelings are totally normal. Stop looking inwards and blaming yourself and instead see the situation for what it is.

Thank you.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/03/2023 18:04

He's telling you that he's regularly passing out - but you don't think his drinking is excessive?

OP you may be anxious and needy and clingy, I don't know you. Or maybe you're normal and you're reacting to him pushing you away. It definitely sounds like he's not in the right place at this time to be in a relationship.

SpringleDingle · 28/03/2023 18:06

This isn’t you… it is him. There are 2 options here:

  1. his mental health is being seriously adversely affected by his ongoing issues and he is not in any position to be a healthy loving partner to you 2). He is not that invested in your relationship and is checking out and leaving all the effort up to you

Neither of these is your problem. I think you should talk to him very seriously about which option it is here. Either way you don’t have to put up with it. I’d have slightly more sympathy with option 1 but I’d want to put an end date on how long I’d be willing to tolerate it. If he couldn’t convince me it was option 1 I’d leave now.

My ex was like this and I put up with it and my anxiety spiralled and it made me proper nuts and finally I ended it. I should have ended it FAR earlier and now I’m seeing a new guy who isn’t fucking with my head I am SO SO much happier!

Deathbyfluffy · 28/03/2023 18:08

It sounds like his ex wife is being a cunt and causing his problems - can you help him push for a financial settlement so he can get rid of her for good?

She sounds like a nightmare who needs binning off.

TranielPratspliff · 28/03/2023 18:10

It isn't you. It's his situation and the way he is (not) dealing with it. If I were you, I'd call it a day and either be happy on your own or look for someone who doesn't come with so much baggage.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/03/2023 18:11

PP’s given really good advice.

How long have you two dated.
I’m just wondering if you’ve been his therapist/support through a lot of this.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 18:20

Deathbyfluffy · 28/03/2023 18:08

It sounds like his ex wife is being a cunt and causing his problems - can you help him push for a financial settlement so he can get rid of her for good?

She sounds like a nightmare who needs binning off.

Oh I promise myself not to say bad things about her. She was married to him for 25 years and her content in a cold relationship. She is looking after her future and I can't blame her for that. But he needs to get matters dealt through solicitors but doesn't want to be overly aggressive because it could upset their young adult children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 18:22

TranielPratspliff · 28/03/2023 18:10

It isn't you. It's his situation and the way he is (not) dealing with it. If I were you, I'd call it a day and either be happy on your own or look for someone who doesn't come with so much baggage.

I just couldn't do that, he is verging on depressed. When my mother died he did everything for me, he provided such support. We have been together 9 months, not long but I just couldn't leave him while his life is in such turmoil.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 18:27

SpringleDingle · 28/03/2023 18:06

This isn’t you… it is him. There are 2 options here:

  1. his mental health is being seriously adversely affected by his ongoing issues and he is not in any position to be a healthy loving partner to you 2). He is not that invested in your relationship and is checking out and leaving all the effort up to you

Neither of these is your problem. I think you should talk to him very seriously about which option it is here. Either way you don’t have to put up with it. I’d have slightly more sympathy with option 1 but I’d want to put an end date on how long I’d be willing to tolerate it. If he couldn’t convince me it was option 1 I’d leave now.

My ex was like this and I put up with it and my anxiety spiralled and it made me proper nuts and finally I ended it. I should have ended it FAR earlier and now I’m seeing a new guy who isn’t fucking with my head I am SO SO much happier!

All of these issues have come to a head in the last 3 weeks. He used to be pretty able to contain matters but it's erupted now and he sounds so miserable. I think it's me a lot of the time. I feel that I would be leaving him at literally the worse point in his life after he supported me through mine; the difference is that I wanted his support.

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 28/03/2023 18:30

If he genuinely was a decent man, he would never have gotten with you whilst he's got all this going on.

And blaming the ex - if she's that bad, why would he bring a new gf into the mix and subject her to that?

I didn't date anyone whilst divorcing exh. I knew it would be selfish and unfair of me to put someone in the position of being with me whilst untangling my marriage.

I'm not a bitter man hater. Just hate the selfishness of men putting women in this position and then the woman blaming herself and thinking there are things wrong with her!

Frogger8395 · 28/03/2023 18:49

I just couldn't do that, he is verging on depressed. When my mother died he did everything for me, he provided such support. We have been together 9 months, not long but I just couldn't leave him while his life is in such turmoil.

It sounds like he wants to be left alone. He doesn’t “forget” to call you. He chooses not to. He also chooses not to pick up. He also chooses to spend more time with his friends than you and he chooses to show little interest. And that’s because he’s losing interest. It doesn’t matter why that is, he is just losing interest. You should accept it.

I am familiar with anxious attachment and some people who have it have the tendency to create a false narrative around what’s happening. It sounds like your narrative is that you’ve decided he’s having a crisis and that’s why things have changed. But he’s been separated for 3 years, these financial issues are not new, they’ve been going on for years. You've also decided to believe him when he says he’s passed and I'm pretty sure you know that’s just an excuse.

You can change your attachment style. You have to start by being honest with yourself and letting people go who are no longer a good match for you.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 20:54

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 17:40

This isn’t you being anxious

this is him
pushing you away

and it’s mega baggage too

to be fair I don’t know if I could be fun
and sexy whilst this is going on

ask him ? Does he want a break

Thanks I will ask him if things continue this way after Easter. We actually touched upon having a break in all relationships for a two week period each year and I asked him if that's what he wanted but he said no...I think there will be a point where I will say that I appreciate what he is going through but I have some very basic needs such as daily communication by phone and meeting up so if he feels in a place where he can't offer that then we should break as my mental health can't cope.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 21:12

Livelifelaughter

maybe a break is needed
touch upon when your mum died (and I’m so sorry x) that he supported you

does he want what he provided you with ?
or would he prefer space

it’s not fair on you and a diplomatic discussion is needed really

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 28/03/2023 21:43

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 21:12

Livelifelaughter

maybe a break is needed
touch upon when your mum died (and I’m so sorry x) that he supported you

does he want what he provided you with ?
or would he prefer space

it’s not fair on you and a diplomatic discussion is needed really

Thank you for your kind message

OP posts:
Dery · 29/03/2023 00:24

“I am familiar with anxious attachment and some people who have it have the tendency to create a false narrative around what’s happening. It sounds like your narrative is that you’ve decided he’s having a crisis and that’s why things have changed. But he’s been separated for 3 years, these financial issues are not new, they’ve been going on for years. You've also decided to believe him when he says he’s passed out and I'm pretty sure you know that’s just an excuse.”

Completely agree with this and other PPs. There seems to be a tendency nowadays to label every feeling as if it’s a syndrome or a disorder or a style. But a life well lived will involve feeling all kinds of emotions - some pleasurable and comfortable, some unsettling and even painful. It’s normal to have emotional responses to things.

Anxiety can be a perfectly valid response to a situation. The bottom line here is that you sense he is withdrawing. You’re feeling anxious because you know this is probably a bad sign for the relationship. Don’t invent reasons for why he is withdrawing - it’s too easy then to find yourself justifying and tolerating things that aren’t okay for you.

Practically everyone who has ever loved has had romantic disappointments. I’d had several by the time I met my DH. I recognise the impulse to invent explanations for a withdrawal in an attempt to gloss over the painful truth. But it doesn’t really help as your anxiety shows.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 29/03/2023 07:48

Dery · 29/03/2023 00:24

“I am familiar with anxious attachment and some people who have it have the tendency to create a false narrative around what’s happening. It sounds like your narrative is that you’ve decided he’s having a crisis and that’s why things have changed. But he’s been separated for 3 years, these financial issues are not new, they’ve been going on for years. You've also decided to believe him when he says he’s passed out and I'm pretty sure you know that’s just an excuse.”

Completely agree with this and other PPs. There seems to be a tendency nowadays to label every feeling as if it’s a syndrome or a disorder or a style. But a life well lived will involve feeling all kinds of emotions - some pleasurable and comfortable, some unsettling and even painful. It’s normal to have emotional responses to things.

Anxiety can be a perfectly valid response to a situation. The bottom line here is that you sense he is withdrawing. You’re feeling anxious because you know this is probably a bad sign for the relationship. Don’t invent reasons for why he is withdrawing - it’s too easy then to find yourself justifying and tolerating things that aren’t okay for you.

Practically everyone who has ever loved has had romantic disappointments. I’d had several by the time I met my DH. I recognise the impulse to invent explanations for a withdrawal in an attempt to gloss over the painful truth. But it doesn’t really help as your anxiety shows.

I really don't feel I am inventing things; literally all at once in a period of 3 weeks he is facing a real risk of losing his income or getting it significantly reduced and trying to sort out a divorce settlement now with a wife who won't engage while interest rates have gone up and the house now has to be sold. These aren't made up.

I should point out that I am in my 50s and divorced and really appreciate romantic disappointments.

There are as you say trends to label feelings but I think they also help us see things in a different way. People do have different needs in a relationship even when there aren't external issues.

I asked a male friend for advice and he said "give him a bit of slack" he is going through shit .. it's interesting how people have different views. But that's also the point of MN.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 10:52

Op has he said he’s having a massive crisis, or that he’s depressed, or have you decided he’s having a massive crisis and he’s depressed?

Nobody said these things aren’t happening but I think you’re giving them way more weight than they deserve.The divorce settlement has been floating around for years. Everything has to be finalised as you know, it’s not a massive crisis in my view, it’s just part of the process. Surely it’s not a shock to him. And worries about your business are quite normal.

And even if these things have caused him to withdraw, do you want a partner who withdraws and avoids you every time they get a bit stressed? Who’s so badly affected by life stuff like they forget to call or don’t answer your calls? Who gets so pissed he passes out regularly?

There are other reasons why he might be withdrawing which you don’t seem to want to consider.

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 11:18

If a person has concerns, and nobody listens to them, the person will get anxious. Their concerns are not being taken seriously, and it's unlikely that anything will change, so they have to deal with the potential that they will have to continue feeling concerned, on an ongoing basis. Things might get worse, and it's likely that, still, nobody will listen or offer support. Does that make sense?

It's what you're doing to yourself.

It's really causing me so much anxiety but I can't raise it without feeling self absorbed

You are creating your own anxiety here. You have a concern, but you aren't allowing it to be listened to. This is what you need to change.

You are allowed to take care of your own wants and needs. If anybody makes you feel you're being 'too something' for doing that, then you're not a compatible pair.

Anxious attachment style problems are solved by realising that you don't change yourself to match your partner. You change your partner to match you.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 29/03/2023 11:39

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 10:52

Op has he said he’s having a massive crisis, or that he’s depressed, or have you decided he’s having a massive crisis and he’s depressed?

Nobody said these things aren’t happening but I think you’re giving them way more weight than they deserve.The divorce settlement has been floating around for years. Everything has to be finalised as you know, it’s not a massive crisis in my view, it’s just part of the process. Surely it’s not a shock to him. And worries about your business are quite normal.

And even if these things have caused him to withdraw, do you want a partner who withdraws and avoids you every time they get a bit stressed? Who’s so badly affected by life stuff like they forget to call or don’t answer your calls? Who gets so pissed he passes out regularly?

There are other reasons why he might be withdrawing which you don’t seem to want to consider.

He has said that the last three weeks have been horrible and that he can't go on for the next 6 months (the time period for sorting the divorce) with all of this hanging over him...the financial discussions have really hit a head. Without going into the details I am not making it up, he is very open about his finances. Likewise I have seen how he responds to business ups and downs and I work in a commercial field and without exaggerating this is a very significant event.

Yes it could be that he wants out of the relationship, but it could also be that right now he can't give much to the relationship either, so do I dump him because he is in an awful place?

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 12:09

so do I dump him because he is in an awful place?

No. You have a conversation and if the matter isn’t resolved you dump him. You dump him because he pours so much booze down his throat he passes out .You dump him because he’s being disrespectful and ignoring you. You dump him because a he is triggering your nervous system and is causing you severe anxiety. You dump him because he ignores phone calls from you but makes time for his friends.

Or, you can tell yourself you will accept those things as long as he has a good enough reason.

I still don’t see how the financial settlement has come as a terrible shock. What did he think was going to happen and why has he left it so long?

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 12:15

so do I dump him because he is in an awful place

No. You dump him because he's treating you like shit. A good partner can be in an awful place and not take it out on others. If he can't handle his own ability to be in a bad place and stay decent, dump him for that. He has failed life's test. Children get to lash out when things don't go there way. Adults don't, if they want to be respected.