How to cope with my relationship anxiety

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a an anxious attachment style. My bf is truly being slapped by life at the moment; he is in the process of divorce (separated for 3:years) and is crippled by the costs of entirely paying for the running of two households and putting a child through university, which is reaching a crisis point. The previous amicable relationship with his ex wife is breaking down and she won't agree a financial split.Coupled with this his business has taken a plummet. He is drinking more (not excessively but definitely more) . We don't live together and he is generally independent and needs his space. He isn't one to really spill his problems out but he does tell me. I feel selfish saying this but he just seems to be so flat and lacking in interest and rather going through the motions...we now see each other twice a week and he stays over once but he seems to be seeing friends more. He sometimes forgers to call and doesn't pick up if I call him; he will say he's passed out. It's really causing me so much anxiety but I can't raise it without feeling self absorbed. I appreciate that different people handle crises in different ways, when I was going through a black spot over a bereavement I would call him lots for advice - that's not him at all. Any ideas, I feel anxious and pushed away. It's even affecting my appetite and my sleep.

Sorry just seen the update.

It is for the best. Honest. You can't see it now but you will.

Thank you ❤️

Thank you. He was crying much. He said that his level of feelings for me never changed but he found it harder to show. He had never said he loved me but said what he felt for me was what he felt love was. I am so heart broken. I have said that I can't be friends with him and he can't be either, there's too much emotion between us.

Thank you. I am 54, this was my first relationship in many years and I loved him. I have had many boyfriends but only 3 ( Inc my first of course) that I can say that I have loved.

People come along and given where we are we totally fall for them
but I swear that dating post divorce is majorly fraught
fwiw my ex is trying to come back after his own major mh episode
im pretty torn

sit with it , be sad and watch Matthew Hussey no contact videos

they really helped me

Thank you for your understanding. It's all so raw and the thought of losing that feeling I have when I meet him is just crippling, I can barely function.

You have to get yourself to a place where spending time alone, even if you separated from him, would still be something you could fall back on as a safe place, a place of comfort, a place of kindness.

You need to be there for yourself, as a support. Now is the time.

We broke up.

"Men are not a scarcity. There are millions of them single/divorced already."

Good men are and if you wait years after they've separated they will have been snapped by somebody else.

Gwenhwyfar

don’t agree
I’m a good (great !) catch
but I’m single
good men and women can have baggage that keeps them single
man’s many people like mistakenly the wrong people for them

"man’s many people like mistakenly the wrong people for them"

What?

I thought it was

Many people mistakenly like the wrong man for them

Sorry op you sound a little bit deluded. Like pp mentioned he chooses not to answer calls, he chooses not to call you, he chooses to see his friends more. You need to see that he's choosing these options over choosing you. You're trying to excuse his behaviours by blaming yourself for your attachment anxiety. Do the poor bloke a favour & cut him loose so that he take all the time he needs to deal with this difficult loss by himself. Also you've been together 9 months, he stays over once a week, this doesn't sound like an established relationship that's taking off. And of course he's been kind to you by helping you through your bad times, that means that he's just a kind & decent human being, i really wouldn't take that as you are in the throws of a serious relationship.

If I was in your shoes I would just let it phase itself out, I wouldn't call anymore if he doesn't etc & once you stop making all the effort you will unfortunately have your answer.

Are you looking after yourself, @Livelifelaughter ? How you doing?

Actually I updated...we broke up, his life turned up side down (see update post).
This was most definitely a serious relationship, we talked and shared intimacies. Honestly when I was married in an 8 year relationship it didn't have the same level of maturity and connection. He said he has never trusted anyone nor shared so much with anyone including his wife in their 20 plus marriage... it's not a competition but I do know what a serious relationship is.

Bless you! Am keeping myself busy and seeing friends. It's hard at night and I really really miss him.