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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvolved grandparents

95 replies

Amjk · 28/03/2023 15:25

Hey everybody. I’m just stuck and wanted to know other people’s opinions.
I have a 2 year old, and my husbands parents have never met him. They have told my husband they don’t ever want to meet him and they have disowned my son basically, all because they didn’t want us to get married as they would rather he had an arranged marriage to his cousin.
My problem is my husband allows this to happen, I feel like it’s wrong and he should defend his child. I told him if my parents ever done this I wouldn’t even speak to
my parents anymore. I would cut my family off for this. Thankfully my parents love my son and have been involved since the day he was born ❤️ however I just feel really disrespected as he’s got other children with his ex wife, his parents are involved in those children’s lives but just want nothing to do with my baby. Am I wrong for expecting him to cut his family off? I just feel as a father it’s his duty to defend his child and not let his family treat him like that.

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/03/2023 20:14

Yeah I think I would be glad they are not involved very strange unfortunately nothing you can do about husband, his family, his decision, rightly or wrongly Xx

Villssev · 28/03/2023 20:48

Janie1962 · 28/03/2023 20:12

Marrying a cousin is perfectly legal in the UK; my ExH's family had a first-cousin marriage - and they're white British.

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The poster says “should be illegal”

Janie1962 · 28/03/2023 21:09

Villssev · 28/03/2023 20:48

The poster says “should be illegal”

Show quote history

I know, I read it. And (to me) the poster is also insinuating that it's a form of incest that causes disabilities in the "poor children" of such unions!

Mummyof287 · 28/03/2023 21:10

You are DEFINITELY NOT being unreasonable!!

TomatoSandwiches · 28/03/2023 21:20

Janie1962 · 28/03/2023 21:09

I know, I read it. And (to me) the poster is also insinuating that it's a form of incest that causes disabilities in the "poor children" of such unions!

Show quote history

A one off cousin marriage and children is hardly an issue.
You have increased risks when there have been multiple generations of cousins marrying and having children, don't be disingenuous.

Villssev · 28/03/2023 21:28

Janie1962 · 28/03/2023 21:09

I know, I read it. And (to me) the poster is also insinuating that it's a form of incest that causes disabilities in the "poor children" of such unions!

Show quote history

She certainly wouldn’t be alone

Ginger1982 · 28/03/2023 21:36

So, he committed an offence against you? What happened?

Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 13:14

@70Cats yes your right. I think it’s wrong, especially when they’re forced into it for money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 13:15

@Louisetopaz21 yes there is. He is Pakistani, I’m half English half African!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 13:16

@Mummyof287 thank you! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 13:18

@Ginger1982 no the offence wasn’t against me, the offence is just the reason he has bail conditions. My only issue is him not confronting his family about how they’ve treated my son. He turned 2 a couple weeks ago and they’ve never met him, didn’t even say happy birthday. His daughters birthday with his ex is a few days after my son and his family threw her a party. I just don’t understand how he can allow his son to be left out like that because me personally would never let that happen!

OP posts:
MadeInChorley · 29/03/2023 13:29

I’m curious about the ex, where she and the kids live and when he got divorced. I assume he supports his ex and older children as well as you…? Do they all live together with the grandparents? [entirely misses point of the thread, but anyway…]

How long have you been married to him, OP?

GOW56 · 29/03/2023 13:33

If my parents done this I wouldn’t even be speaking to them! I would’ve cut them off.
Of course they are behaving badly not acknowledging your son but presumably if he cut them off he would be in prison now as they are the guarantors for his bail. I can see why they would want him to stay with them so they can make sure he doesn't skip his bail given they will lose 10k at stake if he does. That doesn't forgive them for ignoring your child though and the whole set up doesn't sound healthy.

Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 20:14

@MadeInChorley the ex lives in a flat with his other kids. I have been married to him for 1 year.
If I get started on the ex, and his family it will make this post even more complicated 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 29/03/2023 20:16

@GOW56 yes definitely that makes sense! I get he can’t cut them off now.. it’s just he had the last 2 years to get his parents involved in his sons life and he didn’t. Instead he would lie to them about seeing him! He would pretend he disowned his son to make them happy smh

OP posts:
winningeasy · 29/03/2023 21:11

What is the trial about??

Why would they want him to marry his cousin? Ewwww

Genevieva · 29/03/2023 22:32

Was your marriage a legal one or just a niqah? If it was the latter then you are not legally married. You are just a girlfriend as far as the law is concerned. That means his parents are next of kin, not you. He sounds feckless, so he may not earn anything, but it also means that if you split up you are not entitled to the same level of support as a divorcee. I would like to see legislation requiring all religious marriages to be accompanied by legal certification, so that women from religious minorities have the same legal protections as other married women.

mindutopia · 30/03/2023 10:49

Your husband doesn't live with you. He has enabled his parents to be abusive to you and his son. And he's a criminal and potentially going to prison soon.

Any one of these things is a massive red flag and should have had you running as fast as you could have to get away. But all three of them together is mind blowing. You have your independence. You have your own home. Apply for benefits so you can support yourself and get back into education. And close the door on this one.

As sad as it is to say, the fact that his father's family (and his own father) have largely rejected your son is probably the best thing that could have happened for him. It means you can protect him and raise him away from all this chaos

SVRT19674 · 30/03/2023 11:24

Oh my, the more you update, the worse it gets. Hell will freeze over before a Pakistani will upset mum and dad or their family in general. That is not how they are raised. And then you update that you are part African? You mean subsaharan Africa, not Egyptian, Tunisian or such? They are also very very racist, so the odds are stacked against you big time, and against your poor kid. Have you publised before? I seem to remember a poster with the same mix married to or in a relationship with a Pakistani and she got excellent advice from women who had done that and been there and worn that t-shirt and being white was bad enough. Even a child of such a union spoke about how she was never accepted and she was half Pakistani half white and raised a muslim. Just get out and live your life with your little one away from all this aggro.

Original poster
Amjk · 30/03/2023 19:29

@winningeasy it was just about him being at his friends house and his friend had drugs in the house smh

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 30/03/2023 19:30

@Genevieva yess it was just a nikkah! It should defo require a legal marriage too, that’s how men in the uk are able to marry 4 women from different countries and even bring them here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 30/03/2023 19:31

@mindutopia i know, it just gets worse and worse there is actually no reason to be with him other than the fact he can support me and my son. However as my son gets older it’s easier to provide for him myself, so at this point I really think leaving him is the best thing for me and my son :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 30/03/2023 20:02

@SVRT19674 yep! To make it even worse he actually was married to her behind my back. He lied to me when he married me. When my baby was 1 month old I found out about everything. Now although they don’t live together he is refusing to divorce her because his parents won’t let him. He promised me 6 months ago he’d do it when he came out, now he’s out he’s saying he can’t do it. So it’s actually just crazy.
And no I’m west African my dad is from Senegal and my mum is English. So he’s his parents are very racist, that’s literally why they don’t accept me because I’m not his cousin ew. I haven’t posted before but I can imagine a lot of people go through this because a lot of Pakistani men won’t stand up to their families.
But for real, because of this post I’ve realised that it’s not even worth it. Thank you all 🩷

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 20:11

You judge your husband yet YOU are letting your son down as much as him. If you think that this is what life and love are all about then I don't know what to say to you. Just please, raise your son to love and respect women.

user764329056 · 30/03/2023 20:23

You deserve more OP, get angry and find your strength, this is toxic