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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvolved grandparents

95 replies

Amjk · 28/03/2023 15:25

Hey everybody. I’m just stuck and wanted to know other people’s opinions.
I have a 2 year old, and my husbands parents have never met him. They have told my husband they don’t ever want to meet him and they have disowned my son basically, all because they didn’t want us to get married as they would rather he had an arranged marriage to his cousin.
My problem is my husband allows this to happen, I feel like it’s wrong and he should defend his child. I told him if my parents ever done this I wouldn’t even speak to
my parents anymore. I would cut my family off for this. Thankfully my parents love my son and have been involved since the day he was born ❤️ however I just feel really disrespected as he’s got other children with his ex wife, his parents are involved in those children’s lives but just want nothing to do with my baby. Am I wrong for expecting him to cut his family off? I just feel as a father it’s his duty to defend his child and not let his family treat him like that.

OP posts:
Nailsandthesea · 28/03/2023 16:09

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 16:05

At 36, he is choosing to live with his parents. You understand that surely?

You should be at a solicitor's office right now, FFS. What an obscene waste of your life.

Show quote history

This.

he has chosen - he has chosen them

Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2023 16:13

Wait, it’s literal bail conditions? I thought that was a joke about the level of control his parents have on his life.

you need to get yourself back into employment asap. If you can’t do it immediately, you should be looking into distance education options to facilitate your return to employment.

Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 16:17

@Flojo1979 he’s basically got trial in July, he can either go prison or just be free. So if he gets not guilty he won’t any conditions he can move from there. But he was forced to put that address down because they didn’t want him living with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 16:18

@Ponderingwindow yeah exactly that. My son can start nursery next month anyway, so education/work will be the priority! Just in case because this is a very difficult situation

OP posts:
Ted27 · 28/03/2023 16:18

@Amjk

This is really confusing
You say the parents have disowned your son and your husband doesn't live with you.
Then you say ' they" won't allow him to live with you and then mention bail conditions and a court case. Who is 'they ' ? His parents or the court?
If does he have bail conditions that prohibit him living with you there must have been an offence against you and/or your child.
If that is the situation then when are you concerned about either him.or the grandparents ?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 28/03/2023 16:19

He must have a really long penis.. Did it go from his bedroom window to yours op?
Seriously you aren't married...

bigbabycooker · 28/03/2023 16:26

What has he done? Sounds as if you need to be divorcing asap

Flojo1979 · 28/03/2023 16:28

I think given the court case and prospect of custody and that he is living with his parents who treat your son like this then you know you need to end it. It’s hard but your child is still young and would benefit from a fresh start.

Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 16:31

@Ted27 basically he was in remand, so part of his bail conditions is that he has to live at a certain address. His parents are the ones that applied for his bail because they gave a £10,000 surety. So he asked his parents to put my address down and they refused. They wouldn’t apply for his bail unless he went to live with them.
My only issue is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with this, and doesn’t see anything wrong with his parents literally saying they want nothing to do with the son. I just wanted other opinions because me personally, if my parents done this I wouldn’t even be speaking to them! I would’ve cut them off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 16:33

@Flojo1979 i know. Luckily my child is still young so it might be for the best. I just can’t deal with it anymore tbh

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 28/03/2023 16:40

Is it likely he'll be found innocent? I also think that part of your decision should be based on the charges brought against him.

It sounds like an absolute nightmare OP but I'd be getting my things in order - find out what you're entitled to (benefits, CMS, etc) and start planning for a future without him. Even if he's found guilty, he's a spineless excuse for a man, who potentially commits crimes and then agrees to live with mummy and daddy because they fund his bail.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 16:41

My god, rid yourself of this loser and his unhinged family. What a disaster. It's so sad that you don't want better for yourself and your child.

Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 17:06

@WeeOrcadian i think it’s 50/50. Thank you for your advice I agree. It’s not what I want for my child at all.

OP posts:
mixedrecycling · 28/03/2023 17:07

Did you say £10,000 bail?

What on earth is he accused of?

Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 17:08

@Aquamarine1029 there was a time where I thought staying with this man was the best for my child. Now I realise it isn’t. It’s just been one thing after the other. Now my son just turnt two it’s easier to walk away

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 28/03/2023 17:08

If that's their attitude, I would not want them anywhere near my child.

Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 17:09

@mixedrecycling yeah he had 4 cases that’s why it was so high. 2 have been dropped the other 2 are July.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amjk · 28/03/2023 17:10

@ToBeOrNotToBee 100%! I just don’t get why he doesn’t agree. I wouldn’t even speak to my parents if they done this

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2023 17:13

If I was paying out that much money in bail, I would want to keep close tabs on the person as well.

this Is sounding less and less like controlling ILs and more and more like your husband having to live with the consequences of his own choices.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 17:26

I truly hope you've made the decision to leave him. You deserve so much more than this and so does your son. A beautiful future awaits, you just have to go get it.

70Cats · 28/03/2023 17:30

This makes me so cross. Marrying a cousin should be against the law in this country. Nobody gives a shit about the poor children of this type of marriage. Some a so badly disabled that the tax payer picks up the bill or they are put in social care.
This has been going on so long and no one cares. It’s well hidden as we can’t upset the people who do this.
And don’t call me racist, it’s nothing to do with race. It’s about people keeping money in the family.

WeeOrcadian · 28/03/2023 17:34

70Cats · 28/03/2023 17:30

This makes me so cross. Marrying a cousin should be against the law in this country. Nobody gives a shit about the poor children of this type of marriage. Some a so badly disabled that the tax payer picks up the bill or they are put in social care.
This has been going on so long and no one cares. It’s well hidden as we can’t upset the people who do this.
And don’t call me racist, it’s nothing to do with race. It’s about people keeping money in the family.

Cousin?

70Cats · 28/03/2023 18:36

WeeOrcadian The OP said his parents wanted her husband to marry his cousin.

Louisetopaz21 · 28/03/2023 20:02

Is there a cultural difference, just wondering with thr arranged marriage expectation xx

Janie1962 · 28/03/2023 20:12

70Cats · 28/03/2023 17:30

This makes me so cross. Marrying a cousin should be against the law in this country. Nobody gives a shit about the poor children of this type of marriage. Some a so badly disabled that the tax payer picks up the bill or they are put in social care.
This has been going on so long and no one cares. It’s well hidden as we can’t upset the people who do this.
And don’t call me racist, it’s nothing to do with race. It’s about people keeping money in the family.

Marrying a cousin is perfectly legal in the UK; my ExH's family had a first-cousin marriage - and they're white British.

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