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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just about to leave DP and dad suddenly very ill

64 replies

Pigeotto · 28/03/2023 07:46

Not sure how to feel.

Left the house this morning with no intention of returning home. DP has always been very angry, easily triggered, gets in my face, blocks me, takes my devices, throws stuff etc

He’s just messaged to say his dads been taken into hospital, I suspect with cancer.

Not sure what to do or think? The spiteful part of me still wants to leave. He’s been nasty for such a long time before this. I’m really struggling to find empathy right now

OP posts:
ShiverOfSharks · 28/03/2023 07:47

It's his dad, not yours. You don't owe him anything, even assuming this is all true, which the timing would make me sceptical of. Do nothing and continue with your plan.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/03/2023 07:47

You've left. Stick with it. Never going to be a good time to go.

Bananalanacake · 28/03/2023 07:48

He is abusive and you need to leave, his dad is nothing to do with you. Well done and stay strong.

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 28/03/2023 07:49

If he's throwing stuff and taking your devices, I'd warrant his behaviour is not going to improve under stress like this.

It's unfortunate but if I were you I'd leave as planned and never go back.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/03/2023 07:54

Do you know if he's telling the truth?
Does he know you've left?
If I were you, I'd be checking out what he's told you. And then, even if it is true, consider what would happen if you go back.
I note you say DP rather than DH, so you're not married. Whilst you can feel sorry for someone whose parent is ill, it doesn't mean you owe them anything . Bear in mind the parent could be ill for a long time, would your intention be to go back and stay .... till when? After they die? A year after that?
There's a lot to think about, don't go back unless you've decided you're prepared to stay, and don't rush it. If anyone is ill, it's his parent, not him.

SheilaFentiman · 28/03/2023 07:54

Leave as planned. This could take months or years.

Sparkletastic · 28/03/2023 07:55

Carry on with your plan. His dad may be ill for years or have a very short time left. Neither option means you need to be there for your partner when his abusive behaviour has led you to end the relationship.

Lamelie · 28/03/2023 07:56

‘Taken to hospital’ can mean anything and might not be true anyway.

wetpebbles · 28/03/2023 07:56

It would be dangerous to go back contact woman's aid

Unbridezilla · 28/03/2023 07:57

Carry on. As pp said, the stress of his dad being ill isn't going to improve his behaviour towards you and cancer can be a very long road, years even. You can't delay that long.

You've made the most difficult step, keep.on with the plan.

PennyForearm · 28/03/2023 07:57

Do you believe him? The timing seems suspicious. He’s found out his dad potentially has cancer at 7.30 this morning, just after you left with no intention to return? Hmm.

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2023 07:58

Well for a start he might be lying.
Even if not it changes nothing - he was an arsehole and now he’s an arsehole with a sick Dad

Theunamedcat · 28/03/2023 07:58

Run, I'm sad to say this but in my personal experience cancer "scares" and other illnesses can be a control tactic

MelchiorsMistress · 28/03/2023 07:58

The part of you that still wants to leave is sensible, not spiteful.

He is being manipulative telling you his dads gone to hospital.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/03/2023 07:59

Did your partner know you were leaving at the point when he sent you the message? I agree with everyone else that you should go anyway. Will he know where you have gone to?

Stickmansmum · 28/03/2023 08:00

Leave OP, his fathers (possible) cancer is irrelevant. You owe him nothing if he treats you like shit. If you go back for this, you’ll be there years more.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/03/2023 08:00

The you still leave. He’s still abusing you.

Life gets very stressful if someone does have cancer so yes I’d get out now and stay gone.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/03/2023 08:00

I'd be taking this with such a big pinch of salt that my local Tesco would be out of salt, to be honest.

Even if it is true, it could mean months of hospital treatment or it could mean six months of chemo, or it could mean a tiny mole that needs to come out next week.

You're clearly a caring person but this is a clear-cut case of not your circus, not your monkeys. You've left - well done. Stay strong and do not be drawn back into this. If your partner now ends up going through a difficult situation on his own then that is entirely his problem.

Have you heard of the The Freedom Programme? You can do it online and I think it should absolutely be the next thing you do.

Well done. Stay strong.

WhenDovesFly · 28/03/2023 08:01

I agree with others, stick to your guns OP. You can send your sympathies but things won't improve if you go back and there's nothing you can actually do. Your partner doesn't sound as though he's earned your support. If you go back you could potentially be stuck there for months or years.

discobrain · 28/03/2023 08:03

Get out of there ASAP. It's not your issue to deal with anymore.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 28/03/2023 08:11

Then you should definitely leave ASAP.

The stress is likely to make him more angry and violent and you're putting yourself at risk by staying.

Oldnproud · 28/03/2023 08:12

Pigeotto · Today 07:46

...The spiteful part of me still wants to leave.

Oh, Pigeotto, you are not spiteful at all for still wanting to leave. All the reasons you had for taking this step are still valid right now whether his dad is seriously ill or not.
On a practical side, what is to be gained if you abort your plans now anyway, at the last minute?
But whatever you decide, do take care.

OverHereTryingToFigureItOut · 28/03/2023 08:13

It might not be true, but if it is, his abuse of you is only likely to ramp up under stress. And then what? You will feel just as guilty about leaving whilst he remains ill which, if it's serious, he could be for years, and probably even more guilty about leaving if he dies.

You don't owe him anything - go now and don't look back.

Bloomingcancer · 28/03/2023 08:13

The way to a better life is the way you are heading. Look after yourself and keep going. Good luck 💐

TheProvincialLady · 28/03/2023 08:18

If he wanted you to support him through his dad’s alleged cancer he shouldn’t have been abusive to you, should he? Stay away from him.