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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just about to leave DP and dad suddenly very ill

64 replies

Pigeotto · 28/03/2023 07:46

Not sure how to feel.

Left the house this morning with no intention of returning home. DP has always been very angry, easily triggered, gets in my face, blocks me, takes my devices, throws stuff etc

He’s just messaged to say his dads been taken into hospital, I suspect with cancer.

Not sure what to do or think? The spiteful part of me still wants to leave. He’s been nasty for such a long time before this. I’m really struggling to find empathy right now

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 28/03/2023 08:26

My daughter's ex manufactured or tried to use crisis to get her to come home. She ignored all of them. I strongly suggest that you do the same.

Greenfairydust · 28/03/2023 08:30

Convenient timing...

This is just further manipulation.

Even if this was true his family is no longer your concern.

Piffle11 · 28/03/2023 08:41

You leave.

There will always be a reason why you can't go… You have got your head around it now – that's the hardest part – so follow through.

Do what's best for you. I bet this is why you have stayed for so long: always putting others before yourself. I used to do the same thing.

slowquickstep · 28/03/2023 08:42

Go back and the next time you leave the house may be in a box. The man is violent, very disturbed and downright dangerous. Protect yourself by staying away. Block him and do not le him know where you are.

LakeTiticaca · 28/03/2023 08:44

Don't weaken. Stick to your plan. It's sad about his Dad's cancer, If it's even true, but it's not your problem. Walk away and don't look back

drpet49 · 28/03/2023 08:50

Bananalanacake · 28/03/2023 07:48

He is abusive and you need to leave, his dad is nothing to do with you. Well done and stay strong.

This

MyriadOfTravels · 28/03/2023 08:52

Not sure what to do or think? The spiteful part of me still wants to leave

It’s not spiteful to want to leave an abuser.
Its not spiteful to put yourself first

You owe him nothing. And certainly not support. Not when he has been abusing you (for years?).
You took the decision before you knew anything about it. You have no idea how serious or not he is. Or of your ‘D’P is trying to manipulate you. Bad timing but nothing spiteful about it.

Carry on with your plan. Don’t look back. And don’t think you have any responsibility towards him anymore.

Xrays · 28/03/2023 08:53

Just leave. There’ll be never be a good time to leave. Even if it is cancer it’s quite rare for it to be a definite and quick terminal diagnosis (although my mum and Gran were like this). It could go on for years and years. Keep leaving .

Mrsjayy · 28/03/2023 08:57

You are not spiteful for leaving its a shame his dad is in hospital (is he really) but you don't owe your abusive husband any support,none.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/03/2023 08:58

Did he know you were leaving him?
Do you have kids together?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 28/03/2023 09:01

Do you think his behaviour will improve under such huge emotional stress if this is the case? Honestly? I think you absolutely must leave now

Redebs · 28/03/2023 09:35

Others have said it on here: stick with the plan to leave.

Even if it is true, his dad's health problems have nothing to do with getting out of an abusive relationship with him. Things will only get worse. You have no obligation to risk yourself and your health.

You have our permission to stay safe and protect yourself x

Naunet · 28/03/2023 09:39

Leave. If he wanted your support at times like this (if it’s even true), then he should have treated you better, shouldn’t he? Men aren’t entitled to have a woman pandering to them in their times of need, no matter how fucking awful they are, no, instead they need to learn how to treat people with consideration and kindness if they want the same in return. You owe him nothing.

perfectcolourfound · 28/03/2023 09:40

There is nothing spiteful about leaving an abuser.

You've left. Stay left. You don't owe him anything. Do you think he'd stick around and lovingly support you if you needed him?

If he wanted a supportive, caring partner around he should have acted like one himself. Instead he's abused you and you've done the only right thing to do - left.

Don't look back.

Aside from all of that, there's a really good chance he's lying / exagerrating to get you to come back to him. Don't fall for it. He's dangerous.

DustyLee123 · 28/03/2023 09:41

Keep moving forward.

TokyoSushi · 28/03/2023 09:45

Carry on, good luck!

piedbeauty · 28/03/2023 09:48

You're not being spiteful. Keep on with your plans. Your h is abusive. His dad being ill won't change that.

Good luck, and stay safe.

rogueone · 28/03/2023 09:51

Oh the old 'my parent has cancer' story.

You don't skip into hospital with 'possible' cancer. If his dad is ill he will be in a and e getting investigations. Some cancers take weeks to diagnose and doesn't mean death either.

Move on as this is just another trick to reel you back in

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 28/03/2023 10:17

OP, right now it's a highly emotional time so it may feel harsh to carry on with your planned leaving BUT IT'S NOT. As PP have said, it may be true, it may be an exaggeration, or it may be an outright lie. Regardless, you're not responsible for him or his emotional state.

If he's been abusive before, this period while you are leaving is dangerous for escalating to worse abuse.

Please don't go back, OP. Stick to the plan. Be vigilant, and know that you are doing the absolute right thing.

SavBlancTonight · 28/03/2023 10:29

rogueone · 28/03/2023 09:51

Oh the old 'my parent has cancer' story.

You don't skip into hospital with 'possible' cancer. If his dad is ill he will be in a and e getting investigations. Some cancers take weeks to diagnose and doesn't mean death either.

Move on as this is just another trick to reel you back in

Was coming on to say this. This is not how cancer diagnosis works.

Either way, you don't have to go back because his dad is sick. Frankly, you can walk away completely but if you absolutely feel you need to be supportive (in the unlikely event that this man really is sick), you don't have to do that while living with him. You could visit at the hospital, you could prepare a meal and leave it for him, you could drive your exFIL home/to appointments.... all without actually living with or being in a a relationship with your ex.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/03/2023 10:32

You going home isn't going to make his dad better.

tallwivglasses · 28/03/2023 10:41

Hmm...I think I'd be asking myself how supportive and caring he'd be if it was MY dad.

maddy68 · 28/03/2023 10:43

You made your decision. Stick with it. You can still be kind to and about his dad if you want to. But that has nothing to do with your relationship break down

Icecrown · 28/03/2023 10:43

PennyForearm · 28/03/2023 07:57

Do you believe him? The timing seems suspicious. He’s found out his dad potentially has cancer at 7.30 this morning, just after you left with no intention to return? Hmm.

This.

Is your boyfriend likely to tell you the truth every single time?

TeaMistress · 28/03/2023 10:45

You've done the right thing by leaving. Regardless of what's happening to his father you are still being abused and have a right to protect yourself. It's not spiteful or callous to put yourself and your safety first.

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