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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH in my home - would this bother you?

76 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:08

Had a lovely weekend at DP’s daughter’s house with her partner and kids - including her two week old baby - it was amazing!

In the meantime the kids were with their dad (who was quite vile and left for the OW) who has them EOW. He took the 2 youngest girls to DD2’s football match this morning (DD1 came back on the train separately as she didn’t want to go to the football match).

And then he brought all the kids back to my home (without consultation) and spent an hour in my home with all the kids here on his own. The older girls have keys.

He washed DD1’s coat in the kitchen sink and left it sopping wet on a radiator with bowls and tea towels underneath it to catch the drips. The wall now has water marks on it and I’ll need to repaint it after using damp seal to get rid of the watermarks.

Then he took all the girls out to lunch and again brought them back to my home and spent time in my home when I wasn’t there without consent.

I am so upset, and fuming he has been in my safe place, when I’m not here and has fucked my paintwork. He was quite abusive as a husband and I feel my safe space has been breached.

Am I overreacting or would you also be upset? Please be honest.

OP posts:
Desperatelywantinganother · 26/03/2023 19:11

Send him the bill for the paintwork. Tell him he is not welcome in your home. Tell your daughters that he is not welcome in your home.

ChrisPPancake · 26/03/2023 19:17

Why does he have a key?

SpringleDingle · 26/03/2023 19:17

I’d be livid and disgusted and my exH wasn’t abusive…

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:19

ChrisPPancake · 26/03/2023 19:17

Why does he have a key?

The older girls have a key and they let him in.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 26/03/2023 19:22

ChrisPPancake · 26/03/2023 19:17

Why does he have a key?

It's all there in the post!

It's out of order OP and I wouldn't be happy with that either

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 19:22

The kids can't be trusted with the key any more. He should never have put them in that position.
He should have declined if they'd offered to let him in.

Lavenderfowl · 26/03/2023 19:23

I would hate this - luckily my DC are not old enough to have a key as abusive XH would definitely do as your XH has done.

Tricky to deal with without putting your older girls in a difficult position…are you able to tell XH it’s not to happen again?

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 19:24

Lavenderfowl · 26/03/2023 19:23

I would hate this - luckily my DC are not old enough to have a key as abusive XH would definitely do as your XH has done.

Tricky to deal with without putting your older girls in a difficult position…are you able to tell XH it’s not to happen again?

If they are old enough to have a key they are old enough to be told dad isn't allowed in but it's not their fault he's a dick and made them last time.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 26/03/2023 19:27

I had the same as a kid with my dad in my mum's house.

He's put your dds in an awful position, a good dad would never have done that. I think it would be a lot to ask of your DDs to have said no in that circumstance.

I don't think they can be trusted with keys any more unfortunately. My mum got the locks changed in the end. I felt awful for a long time.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:29

Lavenderfowl · 26/03/2023 19:23

I would hate this - luckily my DC are not old enough to have a key as abusive XH would definitely do as your XH has done.

Tricky to deal with without putting your older girls in a difficult position…are you able to tell XH it’s not to happen again?

That’s what I’m wondering. How to make sure it doesn’t happen again without putting DD’s in an uncomfortable position and without getting shed loads of crap from the ExH (eg what was I supposed to do as you weren’t here? - despite it being ‘his weekend’)

OP posts:
Merlinsbeard83 · 26/03/2023 19:32

Why didn't he take them to his house? I would of hated that . You have a right to be mad

Allezvite · 26/03/2023 19:32

I’d be fuming.

but it’s hard for the kids. it’s “their” house and their dad wants to come in. How do you explain to them that their Dad is jot welcome in their house.

I would feel the same though. I thought my DSC had spent time with their mum (my DH’s exW) in our house and I was livid.

gemsgv · 26/03/2023 19:33

Who owns the house?

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:34

gemsgv · 26/03/2023 19:33

Who owns the house?

It’s my house - he’s never lived here.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 26/03/2023 19:36

PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:34

It’s my house - he’s never lived here.

Show quote history

Ugh, so it's not even the family home you once shared? That would make sense that he felt able to enter - the fact he's never lived there and still thinks he can come inside is outrageous. Have you spoken to your DDs about how upset you are?

Thelifeofawife · 26/03/2023 19:42

I think the issue with the coat isn’t a big deal, he’s obviously tried to help by cleaning it and drying it (putting bowls and towels underneath so he was trying to be courteous about not leaving a mess).

Him being in your home when you’re not there, a home you’ve never shared together, is another matter. I don’t think you need to involve the kids though, simply contact him to say thanks for washing DD’s coat, but I would really prefer if you didn’t come in the house when I’m not here in future.
Obviously if it happens again after that, you may need to say to DD that dad isn’t to be in the house when you’re not there

Starseeking · 26/03/2023 19:42

I would have felt angry and violated at the same time. Your EXDH would have known exactly how you would have felt about this, and he's been out of order in trampling all over your boundaries. He should have taken the DC back to his house, seeing as it was "his" weekend.

In future when your DC go to their Dads, I'd tell them to leave their keys behind, and pre-agree their return time when you'll be home to let them back in. Obviously if things change while they are away, they can call and rearrange with you.

It's sad you would have to do something like this to maintain your safe space, but men like your EXDH do not adhere to polite requests, they just do their own thing.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 19:45

This would bother me a lot, YANBU

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 19:49

I think the coat is a big deal - he shouldn’t have been in the house to do it, but if he was, either washing machine or a text to OP to say “coat is in dire need of a wash, just so you know when you get in”

MakeItRain · 26/03/2023 19:53

This would have annoyed me too. I agree with PP who said get your children to leave their keys behind when they go with him. They can arrange with you that you'll be home if they need to get in for any reason. I would be truthful in a simple way "I'd rather your dad doesn't come inside. We're not together any more so there's no need for him to come in as this isn't his home. I know this might be difficult for you to say to him, so the easiest way will be to leave your key here and tell him you don't have a key. I'll let him know that's what we're doing and he can contact me if he has a problem with that."

BeExcellent2EachOther · 26/03/2023 20:03

That's a massive invasion of privacy, I would be furious if I were you.

Pallisers · 26/03/2023 20:07

Massive invasion of privacy. And he knows it too which is why he did it.

Tell your dds that when people divorce they no longer get to spend time in their ex's house. It would be ridiculous if you decided one day to head off to his house with them- using their keys to get in (bet they don't have a key though) so equally ridiculous that he comes to your home. Tell them they should leave their keys at home when seeing him so they are never put in this position again.

Then text him and say "Don't ever enter my home without my permission again" Don't engage after that except to repeat if you want to.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 26/03/2023 20:10

It is your children's home too. Your children have invited their father into their home. If they don't have to ask permission to invite friends in, it probably won't have occurred to them to check with you before inviting Dad in. I think you need to handle this fairly delicately. You are perfectly entitled not to want him in your house, but I wouldn't tell the children off for having invited him in last time.

Rtmhwales · 26/03/2023 20:14

There was a similar post recently where a step mum didn't want to give the kids keys because they'd invite their mum in and she was told she was being wholly unreasonable as the kids should be free to invite their parents in. Interesting how different the responses are here.

Personally I'd tell my kids no to my ex being in my house. They're old enough to have keys, they're old enough to understand.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 20:17

“she was told she was being wholly unreasonable as the kids should be free to invite their parents in. “

if we are thinking of the same thread, that was a far from universal response. The op was particularly worried that the mum
might come in without the kids to drop stuff off/poke around.