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Original poster

ExH in my home - would this bother you?

76 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:08

Had a lovely weekend at DP’s daughter’s house with her partner and kids - including her two week old baby - it was amazing!

In the meantime the kids were with their dad (who was quite vile and left for the OW) who has them EOW. He took the 2 youngest girls to DD2’s football match this morning (DD1 came back on the train separately as she didn’t want to go to the football match).

And then he brought all the kids back to my home (without consultation) and spent an hour in my home with all the kids here on his own. The older girls have keys.

He washed DD1’s coat in the kitchen sink and left it sopping wet on a radiator with bowls and tea towels underneath it to catch the drips. The wall now has water marks on it and I’ll need to repaint it after using damp seal to get rid of the watermarks.

Then he took all the girls out to lunch and again brought them back to my home and spent time in my home when I wasn’t there without consent.

I am so upset, and fuming he has been in my safe place, when I’m not here and has fucked my paintwork. He was quite abusive as a husband and I feel my safe space has been breached.

Am I overreacting or would you also be upset? Please be honest.

OP posts:
Aftjbtibg · 26/03/2023 20:26

I’d be absolutely fuming. Could you suggest to your girls that they leave their keys at home next time? Explain to them you don’t want him in the house without blaming for what happened and suggest to prevent their dad pressuring them they leave their keys behind so it isn’t an option

maddy68 · 26/03/2023 20:35

They have t done anything wring. They invited their dad in.

You need to tell him that he is not allowed in without your express consent

Napmum · 26/03/2023 20:41

Definitely tell him that it is not OK for him to come into your house without you there. And I like the idea of telling the children t hat they have to leave their keys behind when they go stay with him in future.

Make sure that you record a copy of the email or text telling him that he is not allowed in your home without you being there. I would not tell him, but I would consider it trespassing if he does it again. And pursue it as such. Might be worth getting a security camera.

The coat and wall thing is annoying, but I wouldn't bring this up. I liked the suggestion of thanking him for cleaning the coat and politely saying that you are not comfortable with having him in your home when you are not there. Less confrontational is often best, but do make sure it is clear.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/03/2023 20:44

Sounds like he had a lovely day with his kids and as much as it's your home, it's your DCs home too. They should be able to invite their dad in to their home. As for the coat situation, is it really that big a deal? Think it's OK to tell him he's caused damage, and if you want, to ask him to cover the cost of repairing it. The reasons for the split shouldn't really come in to it.

Wallywobbles · 26/03/2023 21:04

My step kids don't have access to the key safe because even st 17 they'd be incapable of saying no to their mum.

Wallywobbles · 26/03/2023 21:05

We can put in a temporary remote code to the key safe by telephone if necessary so they can get in. I'd go for this solution.

Rogue1001MNer · 26/03/2023 21:09

I think rather than putting your DC in an uncomfortable position I'd just take their keys off them on his weekends.
Then he can't get into your house.

Problem solved

Tigp · 26/03/2023 21:10

How old are your older kids?

category12 · 26/03/2023 21:13

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the dds to be able to say no to their father - as an abusive man, he'll have quite the turn in manipulation, emotional blackmail, making black seem white and intimidation.

I'd absolutely hate him being in the house.

Not sure what the answer is, other than your dds not taking their keys with them.

Goldbar · 26/03/2023 21:50

Can you get an alarm system installed and activate it when you're away at the weekend? So they'd have to phone you up to get the code to switch it off so you'd know what was happening.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 22:26

How old are your children?

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 22:27

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/03/2023 20:44

Sounds like he had a lovely day with his kids and as much as it's your home, it's your DCs home too. They should be able to invite their dad in to their home. As for the coat situation, is it really that big a deal? Think it's OK to tell him he's caused damage, and if you want, to ask him to cover the cost of repairing it. The reasons for the split shouldn't really come in to it.

No, they shouldn't.

Especially if he was abusive.

category12 · 26/03/2023 22:30

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 22:26

How old are your children?

I don't see how their age is relevant - if he was abusive and controlling towards OP as an adult woman, I don't see how his daughters whether little girls, teens or young women can be expected to manage him effectively.

mybeautifuloak · 27/03/2023 08:12

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 19:49

I think the coat is a big deal - he shouldn’t have been in the house to do it, but if he was, either washing machine or a text to OP to say “coat is in dire need of a wash, just so you know when you get in”

But then likely OP would be complaining that ex allowed dc to filthy up their coat and didn't wash it and left it for her.

SheilaFentiman · 27/03/2023 08:13

mybeautifuloak · 27/03/2023 08:12

But then likely OP would be complaining that ex allowed dc to filthy up their coat and didn't wash it and left it for her.

Show quote history

What on earth makes you think that?

Floofydawg · 27/03/2023 08:33

I would be fuming. Tell the kids that dad isn't allowed in the house. They're not going to be mentally scarred from that.

I stopped letting my ex inside the house when I found him settled on the sofa, TV remote in hand, while I was chivvying up my daughter to get ready.

TinselAngel · 27/03/2023 09:27

Tell him, preferably in writing, that he is not to come in the house again, and then back it up by getting a Ring doorbell so you can monitor. Explain to the kids why. If they're old enough to have keys they're old enough to understand.

(This is what I did).

TinselAngel · 27/03/2023 09:30

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/03/2023 20:44

Sounds like he had a lovely day with his kids and as much as it's your home, it's your DCs home too. They should be able to invite their dad in to their home. As for the coat situation, is it really that big a deal? Think it's OK to tell him he's caused damage, and if you want, to ask him to cover the cost of repairing it. The reasons for the split shouldn't really come in to it.

No that's bollocks. Nobody gets to invite anybody into the home that makes anybody else unsafe. The OP is allowed to have boundaries.

The kids can have rights to allow their Dad in, when they have their own houses.

bjrce · 27/03/2023 10:47

To be honest OP, I know you don't want to to out your DC in an awkward position, But what I would do in the this situation:

Explain to the DC that you don't want their DF in your home. It is your wish he doesn't come into your home when you are not there .Keep it simple You don't need to explain why! Let them know going forward, when they are visiting their DF, you are keeping their keys so if he asks for them to let them onto the house, all they have to say is - we don't have access. There's no need when they are with their DF.

If you don't take the keys from your DC he will do this again.
It really was a controlling this to do,

As a matter of interest does he ever come into your home when you are there?

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2023 10:50

I’d be fuming. He knew fine well he shouldn’t do that.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 27/03/2023 11:32

As he was abusive, I would also look around the house for recording devices. I'm sorry if I sound paranoid, but just to be safe, I'd check.

BeachBlondey · 27/03/2023 11:40

I wouldn't want my ExH in my house, no.

But the "safe space" comment just makes me wince a bit. Your safety wasn't compromised in any way.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/03/2023 11:45

@bjrce - No - he doesn't come in when me or my DP are there. Occasionally he'll ask to use the loo, which is obviously fine even though he always leaves the seat up.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 27/03/2023 11:45

I'd be livid.
I'd be telling him to stay out of your home.

What's ages are your DC?
Do they have keys to his home?

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/03/2023 11:46

The kids are 10,12 and 16.

OP posts: