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Original poster

ExH in my home - would this bother you?

76 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 26/03/2023 19:08

Had a lovely weekend at DP’s daughter’s house with her partner and kids - including her two week old baby - it was amazing!

In the meantime the kids were with their dad (who was quite vile and left for the OW) who has them EOW. He took the 2 youngest girls to DD2’s football match this morning (DD1 came back on the train separately as she didn’t want to go to the football match).

And then he brought all the kids back to my home (without consultation) and spent an hour in my home with all the kids here on his own. The older girls have keys.

He washed DD1’s coat in the kitchen sink and left it sopping wet on a radiator with bowls and tea towels underneath it to catch the drips. The wall now has water marks on it and I’ll need to repaint it after using damp seal to get rid of the watermarks.

Then he took all the girls out to lunch and again brought them back to my home and spent time in my home when I wasn’t there without consent.

I am so upset, and fuming he has been in my safe place, when I’m not here and has fucked my paintwork. He was quite abusive as a husband and I feel my safe space has been breached.

Am I overreacting or would you also be upset? Please be honest.

OP posts:
DidyouNO · 27/03/2023 11:52

I feel for you. I stupidly didn't prevent my exH into my home and he tore out all the innards of old video tapes of our children (his children) from when they were little. All ruined. And ripped up cards and notes from my new partner (now husband) and stole some jewellery that he hadn't even bought me! We split up because he cheated on me. Such an a hole!!

MaryKateDanaher · 27/03/2023 11:54

BeachBlondey · 27/03/2023 11:40

I wouldn't want my ExH in my house, no.

But the "safe space" comment just makes me wince a bit. Your safety wasn't compromised in any way.

Having been in an abusive relationship, I totally understood the safe space comment. It's not necessarily that OPs physical safety has been threatened in that moment, it's the prospect of someone being in your home, without your consent, damaging it or breaking things in some way, as a means of asserting their continued dominance. My ex would do this, it's 100% a power play.

Mari9999 · 27/03/2023 12:00

Has it been made clear to your daughters that even though it is their home that they are not to let their father into the home that they share with you?

If you have not made that clear to them , it is not something that they would necessarily know not to do.

The conversation with your daughters may be awkward but necessary if that is a stipulation that you want in place.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 27/03/2023 12:01

You need a solicitor's letter to make it clear that he is not to come into the home unless you are there. This is awful behaviour.

forrestgreen · 27/03/2023 12:06

What have the kids said about it

GreenistheGrass · 27/03/2023 12:17

I would be very unhappy about this too. You're completely in the right to not want your ex in your house.

However, your number one priority as a mum has to be protecting your children, not turning your children into weapons or forcing them to be go-betweens, and not harming their relationship with their dad.

My parents turned me into a weapon and it completely destroyed my relationship with both of them permanently.

My dad used to do the exact same thing as your ex, and I absolutely would not, as a child, have been capable of forcing my own father out of the house, or physically preventing him from barging in. I would be absolutely terrified every single time he did this for fear that my mum and her new boyfriend would come home and it would result in an argument that would lead to violence and that everyone would blame me.

It's really shocking the amount of comments putting the blame onto children and saying that quite young children should be responsible for physically preventing a violent grown man from entering somewhere he's decided he wants to go.

The fact the dad has a history of being abusive makes it far more dangerous to give the job of standing up to him/barring his entry to pre-teens.

Don't do anything that could potentially result in your children being subject to violence or emotional abuse. However you handle this, it needs to be kept between adults.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/03/2023 12:22

forrestgreen · 27/03/2023 12:06

What have the kids said about it

I've not discussed it with them. I don't want to put them in an awkward situation. I think I just need to make it clear to him.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 27/03/2023 12:22

I’m sorry you had that experience, but I don’t think many (any?) comments put blame on the children.

barbrahunter · 27/03/2023 12:24

You are not over-reacting OP. I have had a very similar situation with my Ex and kids and it made my skin crawl to think he had been in my house during my absence. It's difficult to explain but I do know what you mean when you say that he has violated your safe space because I felt the same. I think you're going to have to carefully have a word with your kids.

DivorcingEU · 27/03/2023 13:00

You're not overreacting.

It's a powerplay.

It IS an invasion of your safe space - someone who doesn't understand that has presumably never escaped a relationship where home was never an emotionally, let alone physically, comfortable place to be. Lucky them.

I'd be livid about the ruined wall too. That's, at best, learned helplessness. He made a nice show to the kids that he was being helpful while knowing - because he's an adult, not a child - that he was likely to leave marks on the wall.

Sorry I can't advise because I'm so fed up of these men and their insatiable need to dominate women in subtle ways, and then other women are like "oh it was nice that he washed the coat" or "you're being silly thinking it's a power play" or "you're overreacting calling your home a safe space" or "children can invite who they like into their own home". I'm paraphrasing but there's so much of it on Mumsnet right now. I'm genuinely happy all these people have no real experience with men like that, but I do wish they'd stop "advising" on something they simply don't understand and don't have the good grace/insight to recognise that they don't understand.

Do what you want OP. Do what makes you feel good. I think having something in writing and dated (so email) saying he's not allowed in your house is a sensible thing, as is the kids not taking the keys, without explaining why. But do what actually satisfies you.

Floofydawg · 27/03/2023 15:43

DivorcingEU · 27/03/2023 13:00

You're not overreacting.

It's a powerplay.

It IS an invasion of your safe space - someone who doesn't understand that has presumably never escaped a relationship where home was never an emotionally, let alone physically, comfortable place to be. Lucky them.

I'd be livid about the ruined wall too. That's, at best, learned helplessness. He made a nice show to the kids that he was being helpful while knowing - because he's an adult, not a child - that he was likely to leave marks on the wall.

Sorry I can't advise because I'm so fed up of these men and their insatiable need to dominate women in subtle ways, and then other women are like "oh it was nice that he washed the coat" or "you're being silly thinking it's a power play" or "you're overreacting calling your home a safe space" or "children can invite who they like into their own home". I'm paraphrasing but there's so much of it on Mumsnet right now. I'm genuinely happy all these people have no real experience with men like that, but I do wish they'd stop "advising" on something they simply don't understand and don't have the good grace/insight to recognise that they don't understand.

Do what you want OP. Do what makes you feel good. I think having something in writing and dated (so email) saying he's not allowed in your house is a sensible thing, as is the kids not taking the keys, without explaining why. But do what actually satisfies you.

Spot on.

Thisgirlcan21 · 27/03/2023 16:34

I hear you. My ex hasn’t sorted somewhere to live properly so often uses my home to see the kids.
He should have asked you. I would point out to your children that if they need to be in a home with him it needs to be his. I understand the privacy invading and safe place completely.

GabriellaMontez · 27/03/2023 17:40

As someone said, it's absolutely a power play.

They are old enough to have a discussion about this. Use this as a lesson in setting boundaries. You dont have to call him names, just state facts. He was abusive to you. He is probably abusive to them on some level.

Speak openly and make sure they know they can speak to you about anything.

Let them choose. Do they feel able to say no to him?. Or would they prefer you kept their keys at the weekend?

Tell him he shouldn't have been there without you present. If he doesnt like it, tough shit. Honestly, I wouldn't let him in at all.

MaryKateDanaher · 27/03/2023 18:27

DivorcingEU · 27/03/2023 13:00

You're not overreacting.

It's a powerplay.

It IS an invasion of your safe space - someone who doesn't understand that has presumably never escaped a relationship where home was never an emotionally, let alone physically, comfortable place to be. Lucky them.

I'd be livid about the ruined wall too. That's, at best, learned helplessness. He made a nice show to the kids that he was being helpful while knowing - because he's an adult, not a child - that he was likely to leave marks on the wall.

Sorry I can't advise because I'm so fed up of these men and their insatiable need to dominate women in subtle ways, and then other women are like "oh it was nice that he washed the coat" or "you're being silly thinking it's a power play" or "you're overreacting calling your home a safe space" or "children can invite who they like into their own home". I'm paraphrasing but there's so much of it on Mumsnet right now. I'm genuinely happy all these people have no real experience with men like that, but I do wish they'd stop "advising" on something they simply don't understand and don't have the good grace/insight to recognise that they don't understand.

Do what you want OP. Do what makes you feel good. I think having something in writing and dated (so email) saying he's not allowed in your house is a sensible thing, as is the kids not taking the keys, without explaining why. But do what actually satisfies you.

Said far more eloquently than I put it! And I'm sorry you have a similar lived experience.

billy1966 · 27/03/2023 18:45

Of course your home is your safe place.

I'm wincing that anyone wouldn't understand something so absolutely basic for a woman who has had an abusive husband.

Please ring Women's aid for advice.

Ring 101 for advice too.

He has used your children to access your home.

I too believe you need to get a video bell and email/text him that he does not have permission to enter your home.

Hopefully the police/woman's aid will have some advice.

Tell both he damaged your property while there.

The video bell is very important.

IfonlyIdoneitsooner · 27/03/2023 18:53

DivorcingEU · 27/03/2023 13:00

You're not overreacting.

It's a powerplay.

It IS an invasion of your safe space - someone who doesn't understand that has presumably never escaped a relationship where home was never an emotionally, let alone physically, comfortable place to be. Lucky them.

I'd be livid about the ruined wall too. That's, at best, learned helplessness. He made a nice show to the kids that he was being helpful while knowing - because he's an adult, not a child - that he was likely to leave marks on the wall.

Sorry I can't advise because I'm so fed up of these men and their insatiable need to dominate women in subtle ways, and then other women are like "oh it was nice that he washed the coat" or "you're being silly thinking it's a power play" or "you're overreacting calling your home a safe space" or "children can invite who they like into their own home". I'm paraphrasing but there's so much of it on Mumsnet right now. I'm genuinely happy all these people have no real experience with men like that, but I do wish they'd stop "advising" on something they simply don't understand and don't have the good grace/insight to recognise that they don't understand.

Do what you want OP. Do what makes you feel good. I think having something in writing and dated (so email) saying he's not allowed in your house is a sensible thing, as is the kids not taking the keys, without explaining why. But do what actually satisfies you.

This... And possibly a solicitors letter. You don't need to get the kids involved other than to say... I'd rather dad doesn't come in to the house, he's been told that so he shouldn't be asking. What an utter arsehole.

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2023 19:01

The girls are old enough to understand that he's not to come to the house. Definitely tell them that.

jenny38 · 27/03/2023 19:04

I'm wondering if there was a reason he came to yours rather than back to his? Did Dd's need something from yours? Was her coat too dirty to wear etc

If there was no reason, I would send him an e mail/ text saying you don't feel comfortable with what happened and he is not to go into your home again. Obviously if your Dd has needed something, he may have agreed and probably thought washing the coat was helpful. Totally get why you don't want him in your home, but the situation/ motivation can change how things are viewed and thud approached.

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2023 19:08

BeachBlondey · 27/03/2023 11:40

I wouldn't want my ExH in my house, no.

But the "safe space" comment just makes me wince a bit. Your safety wasn't compromised in any way.

I'm wincing that you can't understand the notion of a home being a safe sanctity and that you can't understand the feelings of helplessness and violation when someone takes it upon themselves to enter your property and do what they want.

The fact that it's an abusive ex makes it so much worse.

Her feelings of safety in her home have been hugely diminished not to mention not knowing what's he's done. He could have looked at confidential documents or left a hidden camera or anything.

Monstermunchmum · 27/03/2023 19:09

When your kids go to their fathers home
they leave their keys at home. Then you stop his nonsense - which is trespassing, and the kids are not stuck in the middle. I would be furious . Absolutely steaming.

Namechange224422 · 27/03/2023 19:40

Do you have a front and back door? If so I’d put a bolt on the front door and only give the kids keys for that door.

When the kids are with their dad and you’re out then use the bolt and go out of the back door so that he can’t access with their keys.

Maybe leave a back door key with a trusted neighbour for emergencies.

Email or text him really clearly to let him know that he’s not welcome in your house when you’re not there.

JanglyBeads · 27/03/2023 19:46

I'd go for a Solicitor’s letter if I could afford it. Point out you'll call the police next time.
Arse.

MonkeysNeverLie · 27/03/2023 20:01

OP YA absolutely definitely NBA. This is not OK.

Your home is your space. He has no reason to be there and he is not welcome. This behaviour demonstrates an intentional overstepping of boundaries.

There is good advice on here already but just wanted to add my support x

Mom2K · 27/03/2023 20:48

Sounds like he had a lovely day with his kids and as much as it's your home, it's your DCs home too. They should be able to invite their dad in to their home

Children do not have the wisdom and experience to understand if there is danger or be able to discern if someone should be permitted into the house or not. They do not get to decide who comes into the home just because they live there - they should ask permission from their mother to have their friends in etc and that includes their father who doesn't live there and has his own home.

But I understand that OP's ex is abusive (as evident just by the fact he went into her home, even if the children had invited him in. A normal non abusive person who accepts and understands boundaries would not have entered their exe's home without permission from the ex), the children might not be able to prevent their dad from coming in and probably shouldn't be put in a position where they would have to tell him no.

This means that at times where they would be seeing their dad, they don't get to carry keys to the house.

Opentooffers · 27/03/2023 21:04

I think he's likely to ignore your wishes and do it again if you don't take steps.
He may relish the fact that he's got under your skin with this.
I think your only choice is to make sure none of your DC's have a key when it's his weekend. Then there is no point in them turning up when you are not there. All you DD can say is that she doesn't have a key to get in.
You are going to have to let your DD know this. If he can't cope with them at his place for his weekend, he shouldn't have them. He would of known its out of order but didn't care. So thwart any future attempts.