Sex and marriage

[Slimmum32]

Long story short, I never want sex with my dh. We're both 35 with two dc, one 5 and one 8. They are pretty tiring but we get on with it. My dh has quite a high sex drive but I have been actively trying to avoid it the past few years. I'm just never in the mood, am exhausted all the time ( partly from a recently diagnosed underactive thyroid and anaemia) and partly from looking after the house, trying to work when i can, raising two dc, one with SEN, and dealing with anxiety (which I'm also taking meds for). I also feel like I'm having a bit of a mid life crisis. The older I get, the more I'm regretting certain things. I also hate the fact that I'm 5 years away from 40 and feel like I haven't done anything with my life.
Back to the main issue. My dh wants sex all the time and its just not something that I'm actively thinking about. I could quite happily not have sex for a whole year. My libido is non existent. Dh is now getting really frustrated with the situation and is saying that we're more like good friends now which really hurts. He says that we should be having sex once a week, twice if possible as that what normal couples do. The thought of it just makes me want to cry.
Really need some feed back on this so i feel like im not the worst wife in the world.
Am i the only woman in her mid thirties who doesn't want sex anymore?
Thoughts on this would be great and honesty is what i need from the feed back too.

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Well if I was your husband I'd be ending the marriage. Sex is very important part of a relationship otherwise what are you.

Fine if you are on same page but clearly he isn't.

I'm way older than you and no way could I live without sexual relationship.

it sounds like you are really exhausted with everything you are doing. Do you feel he is a supportive husband? Could that be why you dont feel like it? Perhaps a visit to gp to discusss might help?

This. My ex husband took it upon himself to make the decision that I would no longer have a sex life past the age of 32, hence he's my ex husband!

What your h said is reasonable. Most couples do have sex once or twice a week. At mid thirties you're not old or even middle aged. It's not really common to not want sex at all in your 30s. Some would say a woman is in her prime then sexually!

Can h do more with kids and housework? Would you consider counselling for the anxiety, regrets etc? Being in a place of regret is horrible and I'm not surprised you're not feeling up to sex when you feel so low so maybe you need to process that. Not to mention the physical problems but I'm assuming you have help from gp? Supplements? Anaemia is treatable.

Your husband is in the right to want a sex life so it's really important to consider whether that's something you're prepared to work on or not. If it isn't he has the right to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

I could have written this myself. I’m 34 years old, I work full time and we have 2 kids 5 years and 3 years. I never want to have sex, ever! I could happily live without it. My husband regularly wants sex. The difference with me and you is, I do give in and do it for him. We have sex once or twice a week. I know it sounds awful but I do it to keep him happy. If I didn’t I know he would have every right to want to end things.

@Slimmum32 - for most of us in LTRs, sexual intimacy is part of the glue that binds us to our partner, particularly since we’re not expected to share that with anyone else. No-one should have sex they don’t want to have, but it isn’t really reasonable to take it off the table and expect your partner to do without.

If you’ve been avoiding sex got the last few years, it is fair enough for your DH to say that you’re just like good friends because that’s the truth of the matter.

All that said, it does sound like you’re carrying an awful lot of the load in this marriage and, if your DH isn’t pulling his weight, I can see why sex just feels like one more chore. Is there a discussion to be had around a redistribution of family and life chores that would help you feel more interested in having a sexual relationship, do you think?

I dont want to make you feel worse when your clearly feeling down but he isn't being unreasonable to want a sexual relationship with his wife and that not having one makes you more like friends and that sustaining a long term marriage would be hard.

If both people are happy with no sex then it works but it can't when one person doesn't want it and the other does.

I'm late 30s and we have children from early 20s down to a small baby. My husband works two jobs & I work generally full time. Two children with additional needs. After our middle child we really struggled because for me sex became the bottom of the list of my priorities. I took along time to recover after there birth and then there was lots of other things going on in our life.

Our relationship really suffered we bickered all the time. I realised that by putting sex at the bottom of my list we really were missing the closeness that it brings between us.

So I got a full health check got on all the meds i needed for defiancies, we sat honestly and spoke about all our frustrations and we started small again. Things like making at least half and hr in the evening to sit and watch a TV series together. I started taking time for myself ie going for a walk to the hairdressers, even having a nice bath in peace to give me some head space to switch out of Mammy mode.

We increased small physical touch holding hands, kiss etc. Talking about more than kids, house and schedule. We started to do day dates when kids in school/child care.

It worked and my drive started to increase and yes we can't swing of the light fittings but we definitely have a healthier and happier relationship. I appreciate the time that sex gives us for just us and not the kids, house work etc.

He isn't selfish for wanting a sex life and neither are by not but if you want your marriage to stay together you both have to find a compromise that you are happy with and supports your over all relationship.

All too common
the passion is gone
I think long term monogamy is the dream we’re all sold but it’s rarer than we’re told

I’m single 40
want sex every few months

can’t be arsed with a partner
enjoy my alone time

never been happier than single

if you have to force it it may be over
time to go your separate ways?

Also improving our sex life did wonders for my confidence/self confidence.

It helped me not feeling like all I was just a mother and feeling so worn out In myself.

I went back to wanting to feel desirable and wanting my husband.

Could it possibly be perimenopause? I'm older than you but my libido has completely packed up and gone. I don't really want it back, for reasons very much including what pps are touching on about it being a chore in a long long list of chores.

I’m in a similar boat. Three kids (two with complex special needs), I work as well and I’m just knackered. Also, I do have regrets about things in my life. Could your husband be doing more? My DH doesn’t really deal in the day to day with the kids as much as me and is more of a parent than a carer whereas I feel like I’m a carer.

I wouldn’t say your DH has a high sex drive. He isn’t wanting it twice a day etc. I older than you and I know wot you feel like but it is nice to try and get the intimacy back as it may help you to get you back.
the you before you were a mum.
try and have a date night. Once a week is I don’t think unreasonable.

You say your on anxiety medication have you noticed if there is a link there at all ? I am not suggesting you stop them but possibly a conversation with your doctor, if you want to of course. I have been on 2 types of anti depressants and 1 kind of anti anxiety medication and all three times my sex drive is the first thing to go, then when I have come off them it's come back strong. I would definitely look in to it if is something you want to change xx

Can I just reiterat that my husband got sex two weeks ago and then before that about another two weeks. He hasn't not had sex for years. I should have mentioned that in my original post. I haven't deprived my husband of sex for years by any means. I do give in sometimes but when the sex lasts 2 bloody minutes and he gets what he wants why should i bother. Yes, the sex is boring and if I'm not getting anything from it apart from 2 minutes of thrusting, what is a turn on about that? Just out of interest, the ladies that have responded saying they couldn't live without sex, do you get sexual gratification every time and that's why you can't live without it or is it the closness to your partner you prefer?
The sex never used to be boring but we had kids and then it became a struggle to even get 5 spare minutes for intimacy. I've never been a particularly sexual person, i have my moments, but i just feel my libido has disappeared and now, the way my mind is emotionally, I just have no desire.

Do you still find your H attractive?

Sorry hope it doesn't come across if I am pushing the medication route however I should have mentioned in my last message that on the occasions like you I did just go with it there was no chance of fully enjoying it. It wasn't just a not wanting it issue it was having very little sensation etc xx

The way your even speaking about sex with him is way off from having an intimate relationship. Sex isn't just about the physical act.

Yes sometimes we are lucky to get 5 mins it feels but because we worked on our intimacy outside the bedroom it bring closeness that makes it work. Of course we do have longer and different types of sex when we can.

For me it's both I enjoy the physical part of it because it isn't just DH doing it to me which it sounds like from what you describe and also the closeness physically and emotionally. We don't just role over and got to sleep. We cuddle afterwards which I love.

I think a big part of it is you have to want that. I want a rewarding sexual relationship with my DH and see the value it brings to my relationship and that makes it important.

Understood, OP. But on the one hand you’re saying you struggle to get 5 spare minutes for intimacy and on the other you complain it’s over in 2 and say you don’t really want to do it anyway. Do you see the inconsistency? Also your DCs are 5 and 8 so unless their SENs means they’re up loads in the night, it’s hard to see how you can’t find some time for each other.

It may be that your H is a poor lover or he may be making it quick so as not to take up more of your time.

Do you need him to take on more of the family load? Might that help?

Is he selfish in bed? Because it sounds a bit like it’s not an overly enjoyable experience.

So you are more of a good friend than a wife? I'd check with his friends if he expects them to have sex with him at least once once week and they are coerced in to sex a couple of times a month.
You really aren't in an unusual situation OP, so many frazzled mothers have completely lost any attraction for thier husbands. I bet you do still have a libido , it isn't fired up by the man you married any more.

From your posts it comes across that there are 3 basic reasons you don't want to have sex:

• health issues
• general exhaustion due to pressures of life
• your husband is sexually selfish and it isn't satisfying for you

Your DH is not unreasonable in being attracted to his wife and wanting to be intimate with her. In my experience it is quite unusual for a woman to completely go off sex. Certain life stages can impact on the frequency and enjoyment - for me, perimenopause was the biggest change - but usually they are temporary, and in a loving relationship you want to get it back on track for your own sake as well as your OH's.

To take the second point above, do you feel that you share the workload, you and your DH? Because if not, not only will that add to your tiredness but to general resentment, which is a passion-killer.

To take the third point, have you told your DH that sex with him isn't enjoyable? That you would enjoy it more if he thought about your needs? Have you told him what you want / what feels good for you? Or does he know that you don't really enjoy it, so he thinks he needs to get it over with quickly and he doesn't realise you would like it to last longer and focus more on you?

If your relationship is otherwise good, then it would seem to make sense to talk, to work on the reasons, and to see if you can get back to a more 'normal' sex life (ie you both enjoy it. it adds to your intimacy and closeness and general wellbeing).

If you don't want to work on it (and there may be really good reasons for that, eg he's a rubbish husband generally) then perhaps youre relationship has run its course.

You should never have sex you don't want. But also, it's reasonable for people to be attracted to, and want to be intimate with, their OH. If you think you just don't want to have sex again, then it's better to be honest about that, not force yourself to have it, and to split up, so that you can both find happiness apart.

You do need a man that is prepared to cuddle you, get you aroused properly and take his time, many men don’t have a clue. Sex has to be satisfying if not it leaves you wound up an tetchy, sex wakes me up so I prefer morning sex so cuddle up to him in the morning, that sets me up for the day ( as long as it’s not a work day)

Your husband pesters you for a 2 minute quickie that leaves you feeling like a wank sock and you're wondering if you are the problem?

I've lost my sex drive twice in my life. Both times were in ltr where the man was selfish, sulky, shit in bed, and didn't pull his weight in the relationship. How these men expect to be desired by their partner is beyond me.

People need to feel valued and respected by their partner. They need good, satisfying sex that takes their needs and desires into account. Your sex drive will never, ever come back without it.

It sounds like you need to communicate with your h about how to make sex more enjoyable for you then. It's hardly surprising that you don't feel like it if you don't get much out of it. Just having a partner thrust for 2 minutes and that's that wouldn't do much for many people.

Do you cuddle? Snog? Give each other a sensual massage? Take a bath together? Explore each other without penetration?

There's ways of getting your needs met but you need to be clear with your partner what you like and be prepared to put the work in to make it pleasurable for you. The chanced are your h knows you don't really want it so is focused on getting what he wants quickly. Turn it around - communicate about how to make it an enjoyable experience for both of you.

TheLurpackYears
Thank you for your reply. I was starting to think that i was just a shitty person. I am frazzled, I rarely get taken anywhere, life just feels so mundane at the moment on top of all the life stressors going on. Whenever we do have sex its a wipe yourself up and get on with the day kind of situation. We never cuddle afterwards, my h just isnt very romantically inclined. He has his moments but on the whole its just a quicky and that doesn't light my fire.
I have spoken to a few friends and they have felt the same as me (all mums in marriages). The comments on here have made me feel like I'm abnormal until i read yours, so thank you.