Sex and marriage

[Slimmum32]

Long story short, I never want sex with my dh. We're both 35 with two dc, one 5 and one 8. They are pretty tiring but we get on with it. My dh has quite a high sex drive but I have been actively trying to avoid it the past few years. I'm just never in the mood, am exhausted all the time ( partly from a recently diagnosed underactive thyroid and anaemia) and partly from looking after the house, trying to work when i can, raising two dc, one with SEN, and dealing with anxiety (which I'm also taking meds for). I also feel like I'm having a bit of a mid life crisis. The older I get, the more I'm regretting certain things. I also hate the fact that I'm 5 years away from 40 and feel like I haven't done anything with my life.
Back to the main issue. My dh wants sex all the time and its just not something that I'm actively thinking about. I could quite happily not have sex for a whole year. My libido is non existent. Dh is now getting really frustrated with the situation and is saying that we're more like good friends now which really hurts. He says that we should be having sex once a week, twice if possible as that what normal couples do. The thought of it just makes me want to cry.
Really need some feed back on this so i feel like im not the worst wife in the world.
Am i the only woman in her mid thirties who doesn't want sex anymore?
Thoughts on this would be great and honesty is what i need from the feed back too.

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This is a side effect of your thyroid problems. I have hasimoto and hypothyroidism and this definitely effected me. Please go to your GP and get your TSH, T3 and T4 levels tested.

Are you on hormonal birth control? Totally kills libido for me. If you are I'd stop it and see how you feel.

You both need to understand the effects of your recently diagnosed illnesses on your libido. Under Active thyroid reduces libido. Anaemia means you are knackered. Your children are young and have additional needs and you are also suffering with anxiety due to this.

Have you talked to him about this? Until you are physically well, I doubt your libido will return. He could help by nurturing you and trying to reduce other burdens on you. You can help yourself by checking out the effects of underactive thyroid and making sure you are optimally medicated so that you are symptomless. It's really common to have other deficiencies as well - vitamin d in particular. This also makes you knackered.

Once your health conditions are addressed, then pick up this conversation again. Look to reconnect outside the bedroom and also make sex more pleasurable for you.

But right now it sounds like both of you are massively underestimating your current health problems.

Dh and I had very high sex drives when we met and had a lot of sex. 7 years later after having a child my sex drive was non existent. I never wanted to have sex but when I did have sex I found I enjoyed it. I've worked on my mental health which has helped and I found my sec drive has improved over years. Dh also struggled with stress so his drive has dropped. We now have sex a couple times a month, we enjoy it but neither of us are bothered for any more right now although I think it will increase as kids get older.

Do you fancy your dh? Is he bringing enough to the relationship? Was the sex enjoyable before? If yes then you need to talk be open about where you are and what you want. Then try to rebuild your intimacy with dates or snogging on the settee (without the pressure of sex)

If you don't fancy your dh then you need to look at why and work on the issues in your relationship. Counselling might help you.

Are the meds your taking for anxiety an anti depressant it might be the side effects of that. If it's a problem that occurred at a similar time to starting them speak to your doctor

This is the way forward imho
too often when intimacy vanishes, virtually overnight, when you have very small children , it comes as a shock particularly to the partner. They are at first understanding and don’t push, but with that often comes a reduction in touching . That sometimes then becomes even more of an issue as as soon as one partner touches the other it is seen as a 0-60 in 30 seconds route to sex requests - and can even lead to one partner becoming a sex pest (I.e wife wants a recurring hug/hold, husband obliges, they have a little kiss and then he changes hug into a straying hand grope thinking that’s appropriate and wanted)

both parties retreat into being afraid to initiate touch or receive touch . And it’s all down to poor communication and often the male partner not understand that intimacy needs to be built back up again slowly to make it feel safe and fully consensual

I said to me ex, repeatedly, 6 months after birth, that I wanted to take physical touching slowly, and put in some guidelines for a while so that it was clear we started with just a touch, cuddle etc . He didn’t understand this. Took on massive sulks becuase he felt I was saying I was afraid of him, but in the other hand became a sex pest when I did initiate a cuddle etc.

we even went to marriage guidence where I hoped they could steer us to a slow build up of intimidation again. setting clear steps for how to build up. There advice? “It’s like riding a bicycle , white room, you just need to have sex and it’ll all slot into place. Have a couple of drinks if you need to”

I was shocked, stunned, and very shamed by what this women said. As a result I did what she said next time he pestered me, and I just felt used and very alone as he simply didn’t see that I was forcing myself to do it. I was even crying and he didn’t stop. I continued with this charade of forcing myself every week despite hating it and continuing to feel used- he simply forgot that good sex involved me being more than a vagina

it was a the start of the end of our marriage.

I would never advocate marriage guidance counselling for anyone with these problems. That counsellor could have helped us, instead she contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

I remember reading somewhere that women in their 30s who are married with DC have the lowest drive of all! TBH your workload is pretty full on.Do you work as well? Even if you dont ,2 small DC one with SEN is exhausting .Obv Sex is part of marriage ,but if the thought leaves you cold then maybe its time for a heart to heart.Tell him you are not feeling up to it ATM .Do you have anyone to leave DC with or could you arrange date nights/WE away? I feel many women feel the same ,its something else at the end of the day .Maybe when DC is at School you could meet for Lunch ,afternoon off maybe a drive ? He has to make time ,not a "quickie" which rarely satisfies women and is just a stress relief for men often!

This is a bit of a mixed bag.

Nobody feels like having sex if they are run ragged, unsupported, and the sex is crap.

But it's also a side effect of your thyroid.

You guys need to have a chat, get on a clean slate, and tell each other what you need - work as a team to achieve it.

And you need to get your thyroid sorted because it will be effecting you in ways you haven't even realised.

Sex is really important, not something to be neglected, but it's always complicated.

Xx

Your DH isn’t being unreasonable to be attracted to you and want sex. Would you consider relationship therapy? Maybe an overall discussion about your marriage and family life would help you reconnect and make some changes

Not wanting sex at all is abnormal. You can't expect anyone to stay in the marriage when such a fundamental part is absent. Wanting sex once a week is not 'high sex drive'. If you are not attracted to anyone at all then I would consult a doctor. If you are just not attracted to your husband, then perhaps the problem is not sex but your relationship

I agree but sometimes the situation can be more nuanced. The op might be indicating she wants him to get on with it in order to give him the sex he requires and a bloke desperate for sex isn't likely to turn it down. Obviously no one knows what's going on here but it sounds like miscommunication as well as a lack of desire on the ops part.

you say it’s boring but what is your input? It takes two to make sex enjoyable!!!!!

Really would be helpful if you could do some self reflection and establish your true feelings about this - is it just tiredness or is it more?

Whatever the reasons you can’t sustain a happy marriage long term without a sex life that fulfills you both. Do you ever talk about it in an honest and open way? Do you ever initiate sex?

Without change I think your marriage will fail -is this what you’d like? I view marriage as a life long commitment and we both work hard to be loving towards each other as much as we can - not just in the bedroom, but in life generally - and yes it is work and not always easy - but it’s fundamentally what we chose to commit to.

I never want to have sex, ever! I could happily live without it. My husband regularly wants sex. The difference with me and you is, I do give in and do it for him

How does this work for you? When he wants to be intimate, do you feel obligated to consent even if you aren't in the mood?

No one is saying you are abnormal, but you and your husband are clearly not compatible at the moment. It sounds like you both have lots of things that need to change. If you are genuinely happy to never have sex, then you need to leave your marriage.

I'm mid forties and would love to have sex several times a day, unfortunately I'm single and FWB/ONS don't do it for me. I'd be devastated if my partner didn't want sex regularly, and sadly I'd soon be single again.

Bless you OP, that sex sounds horrible and I wouldn't want it! I don't blame you at all not to want it either.

You don't have a sex problem though, you have a "D"H problem. Because if some hunky guy in a tuxedo turned up with a million red roses and told you that he'd organised for the kids to stay with their grandparents so that you could have some time alone, then took you out to dinner and for dancing and then to a luxury hotel room with sexy music and candles and crisp white linens, and then offered to gently wash your hair for you and then take you to bed just to touch you and give you oral sex until you had multiple orgasms, without any penetration unless you begged for it... And afterwards to hold you and cuddle you and compliment you until you fell asleep... Would you be in the mood for that?

It's the way he treats you that needs to change, not how many times a week you let him treat you like a blow up sex doll.

Really hope you can find a way forward. The problem is him, not you!

Zombie thread!

Zombie thread!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=KcGb24n9hvM

Sounds like you're incompatible op

Take you to bed just to touch you and give you oral sex until you had multiple orgasms, without any penetration unless you begged for it... And afterwards to hold you and cuddle you and compliment you until you fell asleep

This is just bizarre. Like others have said, what's her input? Sex is a two-way thing.

Right, and it’s been mainly about him so far. This would redress the balance and help OP find out whether she wants in or not.

But it’s a ZOMBIE so who knows what OP wants these days.

Sex and married good relationship.

Still a zombie thread!

Sex is a good start.