Sex and marriage

[Slimmum32]

Long story short, I never want sex with my dh. We're both 35 with two dc, one 5 and one 8. They are pretty tiring but we get on with it. My dh has quite a high sex drive but I have been actively trying to avoid it the past few years. I'm just never in the mood, am exhausted all the time ( partly from a recently diagnosed underactive thyroid and anaemia) and partly from looking after the house, trying to work when i can, raising two dc, one with SEN, and dealing with anxiety (which I'm also taking meds for). I also feel like I'm having a bit of a mid life crisis. The older I get, the more I'm regretting certain things. I also hate the fact that I'm 5 years away from 40 and feel like I haven't done anything with my life.
Back to the main issue. My dh wants sex all the time and its just not something that I'm actively thinking about. I could quite happily not have sex for a whole year. My libido is non existent. Dh is now getting really frustrated with the situation and is saying that we're more like good friends now which really hurts. He says that we should be having sex once a week, twice if possible as that what normal couples do. The thought of it just makes me want to cry.
Really need some feed back on this so i feel like im not the worst wife in the world.
Am i the only woman in her mid thirties who doesn't want sex anymore?
Thoughts on this would be great and honesty is what i need from the feed back too.

---

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Are you on the pill ?

Well that's quite the drip feed. Tell your husband exactly what you require in bed, start to be more selfish, and be as communicative as you can. Don't worry about upsetting him or hurting his ego because not having sex with him will hurt him a lot more in the long run. By not being honest with him about your encounters not being what you need, you're making it worse in the long run. Tell him today what you told us in the second post

I think it’s very unfair on him (or anyone when the other partner just stops wanting sex) and you are just like friends. I’d end it too. Being in a relationship you want to feel desired and loved and having sex is part of that.

With the ages of your children, I'd expect you are both contributing to the household by both working and equal housework. If that isn't the case, it's very easy for dissatisfaction to creep in.

We have been together for more than a decade, we have a child and I'm in the third trimester of pregnancy but we still have sex most days. I want to have sex every time we do (and more if we had the time!) - we make time for it because it's important in a relationship. Yes when you've got a new baby or a toddler things slow down a lot, but you can get it back.

It sounds like you have never been satisfied sexually with him. I would never stand for a two minute sex session and even if that did happen, there would be a lot of foreplay beforehand so I would not be left dissatisfied.

Does he do anything for you sexually? Do you look at him and wish the kids were in bed so you could have some time alone? Did you ever have that before kids?

I know some people have lower libido, but it's very unusual to have always had no sex drive. From your second post, it sounds to be like you are implying he is a selfish lover. That's very unattractive.

I wouldn’t want sex like that no. I like sex that lasts a good 30-60 mins with lots of foreplay, adventurous. Of course doesn’t always last like that when you have kids etc but I wouldn’t have sex with anyone that wasn’t concerned about my pleasure. Has it always been like that? Tell him the reason you don’t want sex is because he doesn’t care about your needs

I feel this way too. 36. It just sounds like you're going through a hard time, as was/am I. It's not forever and as the kids have been sleeping more I have had more energy for it. However my husband is really supportive and helps 50/50 with kids and housework. If he can't do that can you hire someone to help with housework?

Also make sure you have some time to feel like you - have some alone time with no one needing anything from you and just being a woman. That helps a lot with wanting to be intimate. Also do you have regular date nights? Get a babysitter and reconnect.

Your feelings are valid but there are ways to help. Approach the problem together rather than as opponents. I hope it works out for you 🙏

Definitely this.

Really good point!

I think with your combination of issues - health, child with sen, children etc - it’s actually really normal to completely go off sex. It’s almost like your body’s way of natural contraception. I think often these posts tend to attract people on the receiving end of a lack of sex drive and you tend to get a lot of people saying it’s not normal / how awful etc but actually I think it’s incredibly normal and the difficulty is what to do about it. I guess at the end of the day it depends how much you want your dh to stick around - if you love him as a person and don’t want to split your family up then you need to fake interest and just accept that once a week it’s worth faking enthusiasm to compromise and have sex you don’t really want. I can almost hear the replies coming from here “don’t have sex you don’t want” blah blah but it’s actually really more complex than that in a marriage. I’ve been on both sides of it actually. It’s difficult.

It does sound like there’s more to it than that though if he’s generally shit and selfish in bed that’s a bigger issue.

You are normal. SO many women go off sex in LTRs. It feels like just another box to tick. Add that to the fact that the sex is crap and unsatisfying, what is he actually doing to make you want to have sex with him? Nothing by the sounds of it.

Passion in LTRs is largely a myth.

Im so glad to be single and not have anyone pestering me anymore. I get into bed and I sleep, starfished. I highly recommend it!

If I was your husband I would end the marriage, sex means everything to men.

OP I feel for you, neither you or your DH are wrong here, he feels how he feels and you feel how you do. No one should be forced to have sex, but equally your DH is not getting the relationship he wants. Your language of "giving in" and him "getting" it says it all, sex is not something you owe him, it's something you should want to do together, not something you are doing for him. Right now you're incompatible, and it's right it's addressed, chances are the issue isn't actually sexual though, if you're stressed and unfulfilled it's understandable you're not wanting sex, if he pulling his weight at home? What do you do together? What improvements could be made to make life less stressful and more fun for you? These are the things that needing sorting and then I'm sure the sex situation would resolve itself.

Talking about “giving in” suggests it’s pretty much dead as a part of your marriage. And it’s relevant information that you think he’s crap in bed which would have been useful in the OP. It comes across like quite a drip feed because people are agreeing with his assessment of it being more of a friendship than a marriage.

If you really don’t ever want a proper sexual relationship with him again then be honest with him about it, the sex part is over, you don’t want to do it again and have been barely tolerating it for years and then he can decide if he wants to stay or if you’re both better off being on your own or finding more satisfying relationships with other people.

It really doesn’t. Loads of women here, including me, have been in marriages where the men have gone off it completely. Lack of sexual interest is really complex.

Poor men, that sound a very boring life!

I read somewhere that sex is like the payout you receive for a good relationship, if the relationship isn't good the payout stops...

So neither of you are actually investing in your relationship then

To be honest considering how many marriages break down and people have affairs I wouldn't really want to accept a relationship like that nor would i say oh well my friends are the same so thats ok.

It isn't a romantic/intimate relationship if neither of you are actually emotionally or physically bothered with each other or happy.

What you said about him taking you places and romance is exactly what I was talking about sex rarely begins in the bedroom. If you both aren't actively spending time together even small amounts as a couple then it's likely in a LTR you will have a crap sex life. All of that helps maintain attraction to each other.

Do you love him and still want him as your life partner or do you see him more as your kids dad and co parent?

OP this is the only post you need. If your husband's idea of sex is using you as a masturbatory aid for 2 minutes then of course you don't want sex with him. That makes you normal. It's on him to turn you on, show affection and care and make sure you orgasm.. then maybe you will find you're more interested in sex with him! He sounds selfish and entitled. Make him work for it if that's what he wants. Don't add another burden to your plate.

Is there a chance that it’s over quickly because he knows you’re not really into it so is just taking the opportunity he’s getting and feels you don’t want him to draw it out? It sounds like he wasn’t always a selfish lover so if want to understand why that has changed

As always I think communication is the crux of resolving all issues like this. You need to talk about whether there a compromise or way to build back up to a satisfying sex life for you both. You may want a counsellor or someone to help mediate that. Or agree to go your separate ways as without resolution this issue won’t go away.

we’re late 30s/early 40s and have 2 primary aged kids plus full time jobs, we’re knackered but we prioritise sex, it keeps us close and we both enjoy it. I definitely find that if we don’t for a while we get out of the habit and it becomes slightly awkward to start again.

id never advocate having sex you don’t want to be clear, but likewise I wouldn’t stay in a sexless marriage. I hope you both find a way forward

I'm not excusing the op's husband but it could be that he knows she doesn't really want it so a quick thrust is all he's going to get these days. It doesn't make it acceptable or right but I can kind of see how that situation might have occurred.

I think rather than painting him as selfish it would be more useful for both to communicate with each other and about having a satisfying sex life.

I agree with PP that what your husband is asking for is not unreasonable. 1-2 times a week is normal in a healthy marriage, even with children.

As someone in the same boat with two young kids, working, the house etc. I totally sympathise. I find that once the kids are down, I need half an hour to get into a good headspace to get in the mood. Sometimes I’m not even really in the mood, but once I start it’s always great and I’m so happy that I did it. I definitely get more out of the emotional connection that it brings, the ‘closeness’ feeling knowing that I’m the only one in the world this close to him.

I also recommend going away just the two of you for a night or two to reconnect. I do that every year with my DH, even when my kids are babies.

Good luck to you OP.

Yes this.

I think it's rubbish that parents of young children have sex twice a week. That might be the goal, but how often do things go wrong and it doesn't happen. I think once every 2 weeks is much more realistic.
Personally once is week is what we aim for but it hasn't happened for 3 weeks due to period/illnesses. I could happily go indefinitely without it although I do enjoy it when we do it.

I started listening to a podcast with a sex psychologist which I think would be very helpful when communicating about it with a partner. It was on Sophie Ellis Bextor's podcast Spinning Plates and the lady was Dr Karen Gurney. It also talked about the actual frequency with which British couples have sex, it was less than twice a week. Might help if you're interested.

If he knew she didn’t want it, he wouldn’t keeps askind/demanding/going throught it at all.
If he was a decent man, that is.