Sex life isn't what I need

[PawsAndReflection]

I am in the best relationship of my life, we're five years in and he's amazing in so many respects; he does all our washing, cleaning, my family love him and he's affectionate and respectful. It's very balanced so no concerns about resentment on either side.

But the sex has been tailing off for a couple of years. He never seems to initiate it (unless I'm ovulating) and one of the main bugbears for me is he just never goes in for a snog! I absolutely LOVE kissing. Is this normal?

I'm super comfortable with my body and (without being a big head) I think I'm attractive. I love this man so much but as time goes on I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who, physically, isn't giving me what I want.

I've spoken to him about this a lot, and it doesn't change, so my options are:

1. put up with it
2. cut it off and look for something else
3. counselling

I just need some advice, is this normal?

What has his response been when you’ve spoken to him about it?

Reminds me of a guy I dated at uni - minus some plus points yours has. Crap poor effort at kissing except after he'd had a few beers in him and didn't like his skin being touched particularly. It's not satisfying, but at least he was always up for it, however we were young.
How old is he? What's his relationship history like - has he had a few that could of tailed off for the same reason?

Do you initiate sex or go in for a snog? If so what happens when you do? Or are you expecting him to do all the initiation?

It varies. Sometimes we have a really good conversation and it seems like things will change but they don't.

The reason I'm posting tonight is because I tried to speak to him about it and (not for the first time) he seemed a bit dismissive, and fed up about it.

I just don't understand why he'd be happy in a relationship like this. When we first got together he was all over me and it's just...tailed off

I've always been super clear that sex is really important to me, and there's a part of me that's frustrated. I feel like he thinks this is all just normal and that at some point I have to make peace with a semi sexless relationship.

I just want to feel wanted, but a huge part of me feels guilty because he's so wonderful in every other way.

All the best op, not sure what will help.

Oh he's receptive but we all know it's not the same if you feel like you're always the one initiating. It's starting to make me feel really unattractive!

I already have so many things that physically I'd like to change, and I think he's absolutely gorgeous. So I want to be in a relationship where the other person feels the same.

It's just not as simple as just LTB is it, he's a fantastic partner and we're about to buy a house, trying for a baby etc. I just need to know if I'm making a huge mistake here.

Thank you ❤️

I wouldn’t be buying a house or having a baby with this man as you have a big unresolved issue that’s not going to go away… sorry x

I'm in pretty much the same position except I wouldn't ever say he's been all over me, he's just never been like that. I've already brought it up so many times and nothing changes! He says he's just not like that. Just not a very sexual person.
He's otherwise an absolute dream partner, we're married with house and 2 kids.
Very happy.
He just never seems interested in sex, never initiates, not very physically affectionate or verbally, but is otherwise warm and kind etc. just lacking that sexual aspect really and it does affect how attractive you feel and eventually it's left me not really feeling like a sexual person myself at times and then other times I remember that I am and I feel very frustrated and sad that we will never have that. If I initiate he's responsive but just never feel like he's right up for it or like 'has to have me' type thing which is off putting!
Despite all this though I know his worth and I value our relationship so much so for now I'm definitely staying, hopefully we can make it work forever

You have a need: sex and kissing. He has a choice whether to fill that need or not. That need will always be there for you. It is likely if this need continues not to be met, you will be unhappy until it is.

There isn’t a version where you can pretend you don’t want sex or that it doesn’t matter. It will always be there.

If he wants to relationship to work, he or (someone else?) needs to fulfill this need.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter how amazing this man is, you have an unmet need and you will eventually be unhappy because of it. So better to sort this out now - therapy is a good start - rather than hope it will all be ok.

How will you try for a baby if he isn't dtf?

I wouldn't compromise here, personally, as you sound young and the relationship hasn't yet met the buying a house together/children stage.

If you were older I'd say skip the hrt and your libido will die anyway, or just tell him you are outsourcing the issue.

If you read your posts it's really clear it's a big issue for you.

Options 3 : let him find a counsellor though as it needs to be someone with whom he will be comfortable. I think discussing things in front of a professional does make a difference.

I think in most relationships there's always a degree of compromise. As you get older sex may become less important anyway but all the other things that keep life ticking over will remain important.

If you have a baby you may find your sex drive decreases and then it may suit you to be married to someone who's not wanting lots of sex.

You've had the conversation more than once so things aren't going to change. Counselling will not make him want kissing and sex more and will not make you want it less. You are not currently happy in this relationship so buying a house with him and having a baby would be a really,really bad idea. I feel like you're going to do it anyway though and will still be here complaining about this in ten years time, blaming him, even though you knew about the issue before you tied yourself to him with a house and a baby. You need to accept him for who he is and how he is because he's not going to change - or you need to move on.

What are we talking here once a week once a month once a year. What jumps out at me from tour post is tou say that you've spoken many times at how important this is to you. Maybe he is under pressure to perform and thats giving him anxiety around the whole thing making him defensive. Sex and intimacy is important as without it he is a really good friend. But love and companionship are equally as satisfying and often people focus so hard on what they dont have rather than what they do. If you never have sex fine but if it's a few times a month and you would like more maybe you could adjust expectation and work on tour iwn self esteem. You should not need someone to show you they find you attractive to believe your attractive. For me that screams insecurity.

Seriously Hawkins again? On every thread?!!

I think it's normal not to be all over each other after a few years. When you first get together the massive lust is there but that wanes a bit when everyday life kicks in.

As others have said, when you have small DC you might find that your sex drive wanes anyway as you're too exhausted.

The issue is the difference in what you both want and only you know if that is a deal breaker or not.

For me, sex is only a small part of the picture.

Maybe he's sick of doing all the washing and cleaning and his resentment is manifesting as lack of interest in sex?

That is most certainly what you would be told if you were a man posting OP!

Are you pulling your weight around the house OP? Do you both work FT?

I reckon he’s putting all this effort into being the perfect man about the house exactly so you struggle with the idea of leaving him. I would get out now and find someone who is more aligned with you sexually - he is not interested in improving this aspect of your life although he will tell you he will in order to shut you up. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 5 years and it’s soul destroying. The resentment will eat you up.

get out before you tie yourself to him with a house, marriage, (how will you have kids if he won’t have sex?) because he will not change for you.

If I were in your shoes and loved this man I would be filtering the above replies and pinning all of my hopes on the ones that suggest some day, maybe post kids, your libido will drop to match his and you’ll be happy in a lower sex relationship.

But really, that would be a mistake. Don’t go deeper in with someone who already isn’t meeting your needs. Leave now and find someone who makes you genuinely happy without fundamental changes for either of you. You don’t need to be angry at him for being how he is, but you do need to accept that this is a part of who he is, and it’s a dealbreaker for you.

I’m sorry. I know it will be hard. But not harder than trying fruitlessly to change what you need or what he does for the next 50 years. Leave now. Before you conceive and are both trapped in this unhappiness more permanently.

A different perspective - I am probably like your partner. I'm just not overly affectionate, don't really like kissing & happy with sex on an infrequent basis. Mine are likely to be a combination of self esteem issues & that's just how I'm wired.

It doesn't mean I don't love & value my partner.

I wouldn't suggest you throw in the towel as it seems to be a relationship that works. Your needs are important but the bigger picture is also too.

@PawsAndReflection

''I am in the best relationship of my life''

Well, you are not in the best relationship of your life.

You are with someone who you are not compatible with when it comes to sex and who you can't seem to be able to communicate clearly with. As a result you feel unattractive and insecure.

I think you are glossing over this and trying to make your relationship fit into your long term plan (buy a house, have kids).

I would give a more critical look at the relationship and accept that this is not the right man for you long term because you are not compatible. That man is never going to fit into your life template...

If you want demonstrative affection, robust physical attraction and passion from a partner, then no matter how nice he is you are not going to get this from him. You've tried to address it many times, but he hasn't changed and now it's impacting on your self esteem. It's a shame but you are just not compatible. Best to end it now before you get enmeshed in buying a house together and having a family. There will be someone out there who will match your needs.

Do you mind me asking if he still masturbates @PawsAndReflection? I'm in a very similar situation, rubbish sex life for over a year now but the part that hurts the most is that DP will still masturbate frequently. It's absolutely shattered my self esteem. I'm 11 years younger than DP, in good shape and still attract quite a bit of attention from other men, yet I could walk around naked in front of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. I would leave but for financial reasons I stay. We have a young DC together. My advice would be to leave, I wish I had when I had the chance