Sex life isn't what I need

[PawsAndReflection]

I am in the best relationship of my life, we're five years in and he's amazing in so many respects; he does all our washing, cleaning, my family love him and he's affectionate and respectful. It's very balanced so no concerns about resentment on either side.

But the sex has been tailing off for a couple of years. He never seems to initiate it (unless I'm ovulating) and one of the main bugbears for me is he just never goes in for a snog! I absolutely LOVE kissing. Is this normal?

I'm super comfortable with my body and (without being a big head) I think I'm attractive. I love this man so much but as time goes on I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who, physically, isn't giving me what I want.

I've spoken to him about this a lot, and it doesn't change, so my options are:

1. put up with it
2. cut it off and look for something else
3. counselling

I just need some advice, is this normal?

This. I personally couldn’t put up with this long term. It will get worse not better - you are incompatible sexually, and only you know if you can live with that.

I’m struggling a bit with this one. On one hand you say you are super comfortable with your body but then say there are lots of things you would like to change. What does this mean? Are you the same as you were when you met?

You also state that he is receptive when you initiate so it’s not like he just won’t kiss you or have sex. The issue is therefore more with the fact that in your mind he doesn’t desire you and that’s what you want to change?

@EarringsandLipstick What's the @Hawkins003 issue?

I reckon he’s putting all this effort into being the perfect man about the house exactly so you struggle with the idea of leaving him

This ... Deficient people (and abusers) often overcompensate in other areas.

This sounds exactly like my marriage. Frequent chats always have him promising to change. He's tried testosterone pills. Long story short, we are 14 years in, and I'm aware now that this is how it's going to be. It bothers me less now that I'm in my 50's. There were many times I cried with frustration. Things would pick up a bit, but they always tailed off very quickly. I think what I'm trying to say, is that I very much doubt he is going to change (even if he says he will), so if you do stay with him, be very aware that this is how it will be, forever. The last time we had sex was January.

This. To even think of having a baby with someone your relation should be rocksolid. For whatever reason this man doesn't want to have sex with you I'm afraid, but I doubt it's anything to do with you. I certainly wouldn't be having a baby with him or getting into any kind of financial entanglement either.

Something else just to add, my first H was the opposite, always up for sex, however, he also had a wandering eye and cheated on me many times. He just couldn't get enough of women.

DH is a lovely man, and whilst I would like his sex drive to be much higher, at least he has no wandering eye and is extremely loyal, because he's not like a dog on heat all the time, like ExH was.

Ironic? I don't know, but it's not lost on me.

Given the age gap this sounds like as your DH gets older he has enough energy for wanking, but not enough for actual sex that involves connection and shared pleasure with a woman. Though surely if he saved himself up he’d still be capable of it? If not, you really should LTB because it sounds like he is prioritising his own erectile dysfunction over your needs.

OP,

This is a huge issue that is important to you.

You would be absolutely out of your mind to commit to a house and child when there is such a huge disconnect.

I can absolutely guarantee that you will be a single parent in 5 years and will bitterly regret a compromise that you had no need to make.

He's a great guy, but he's not right for you, unfortunately.

This is who he is.
You are not aligned.

I think you would be doing yourself, him and any child you have a massive disservice by going ahead with this.

This is your one life, your one precious life.

You have no need to settle.

This is the time to be honest and brave.

He is dismissive of your needs NOW?

Can you imagine how dismissive he will be 5 years from now and you will be juggling with not just the lack of intimacy, but the fact your stupidity of not listening to your gut means you have the guilt of a child, and the impact it will have on them to contend with too?

Disaster.

Do not do it.

Be brave and honest with yourself.

Yes you're making a huge mistake. This way lies heartbreak and divorce. Don't do it.

I hear you OP. Similar issue here in v long marriage.

Yes, it is very common for one partner to get lazy about initiating sex and make the partner with the higher sex drive do all of the initiating. It isn’t ok, but it is very common. It’s also common for men to become distinterested in kissing as time goes on. I don’t know why, but it is a known thing - have a google, there are entire articles about it. Talking about all this, in my experience, does not help.

Surveys show that most women, for their long term partner, end up with someone who was not their best lover.

You cannot change him, and you cannot turn him back into the man he was at the beginning of the relationship. He’s got ‘comfortable’ and used to getting sex without having to put much effort in.

Only you know if the rest of the relationship is worth putting up with this. I decided that it was. Kind reliable faithful attractive men with good finances and good hygiene who want to settle down and have kids do not grow on trees.

But, I’m not at all sure I made the right decision 😔 and his laziness that began in the bedroom eventually spread to infect other areas of our marriage, with my DH also slowly becoming a disinterested parent and a non-talkative spouse who has no friends outside work and who doesn’t like going out. Basically he wants to sit around eating or playing games on his phone and ignoring everyone yet somehow expects this to fill me with sexual desire.

Good luck. xx

Leave now and don’t get in deep with property and kids.

Can I ask what's preferred vs minimal acceptable for you? 2 x day. 2 x month? Does sex drive ever fluctuate in you?

Kissing however I would really miss.

Could it be to do with your/his perception of his own mouth/dental hygiene?

I love snogging, I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t.

Or she may not
this never happened to me!

What does he actually say, though? You go sex is really important to me, and there's a part of me that's frustrated and he says what?

This poster posts this exact line - these exact words - on every thread they are on. And nothing else - no opinion, insight or comment. What's the point?

A good man is near impossible to find.

You need to talk about it and try and compromise/resolve the issue.

And then again, you may not. I've had two babies, and while my sex drive did take a temporary hit while I was sleepless, breastfeeding, and touched out, long-term, sex and a healthy sex drive are still as important to me as ever, if not more so.

OP, nobody can answer this question for you. It will come down to whether what you get from this situation outweighs what you feel you aren't getting with regards to an intimate life. Be honest with yourself about whether you can live like this long term, because it is very unlikely his drive will become stronger in any significant or meaningful way. However, you may want to have some counselling together and see if an objective third party can help you find a workable balance.

You also state that he is receptive when you initiate so it’s not like he just won’t kiss you or have sex.

Yes, I think a lot of posters have missed this and are assuming this is a sexless marriage. It’s not… it’s just one where you have to do all the initiation.

I absolutely agree that always having to initiate isn’t great for the ego. But as compromises go, this is a lot smaller than no sex. Personally if he is great in other ways, and continues to be responsive when you initiate kissing or sex, I think I would live with this compromise.

And people always assume it's women with low sex drive.. This thread proves otherwise.

Sounds like he doesn't really want to address the issue. It won't improve - he won't suddenly want to start having a lot of sex. He was all over you at the start as he was so keen to reel you in and liked you so much that perhaps that was a turn on for him. He has you now. There are countless threads on MN about lack of sex in a relationship with posters confirming it doesn't get any better.

I mean there are no perect people. There is always going to be something missing. However, this in turn, allows you to be imperfect yourself.

Seriously Hawkins again? On every thread?!!

Probably the first time in my life I've liked something that earrings has said.

I thought I was going insane reading, "All the best" on every thread. It's jarring.

If he is doing all of the housework could this not be a contributing factor?

We see on thread after thread how posters will tear men apart for moaning about not having enough sex when their wife is keeping the household.