Delicate subject - sex related, really need advice

[Namechangeforthis189]

As per the title this is a really delicate subject and I’m struggling. I’m way out of my depth and I don’t know how to handle this situation.

Me and my boyfriend got together last year. Timings were bad and the relationship ended the end of last year. We got back together and things were/are going ok. Except one issue… we haven’t had sex since we got back together. After a lot of time wondering what’s wrong with me and why wasn’t it happening he finally confided that he can’t get an erection. He feels broken and it’s really upsetting him. His life is extremely stressful right now (In fairness it is, I’d be broken by his circumstances by now if it was me) and he thinks it’s the stress causing it.

After he told me he promised to make a doctors appointment which he did the following morning. I have to be honest though, I’m struggling and I feel so selfish that I’m finding it so difficult. I feel awful admitting it but I’m resentful. I love him but I feel like he’s somehow taken control of my sex life. Like I can’t have a sex life until he’s got to the bottom of this and talking to him about it is so hard.

I guess I want some blunt honest opinions because I’m in the midst of it and I can’t tell if my expectations are unfair or not.
Last year there was a short period of time where we couldn’t have sex due to a medical issue I had. He never really complained about it as such (maybe once or twice in a half hearted way) but I still made sure I showed I wanted him. I still gave him oral, still got him off by other means, etc. He doesn’t do anything like this for me. We cuddle and kiss but that is it. It’s really hard to talk to him about it and when I do he gets upset and worked up about the build up of pressure he feels about it all.

I don’t know how to handle this. He’s extremely worried that this won’t go away for him anytime soon. I have to admit that I’m worried about it too. To me the longer it goes on the harder it’s going to be to get back on track and that scares me.

Has he tried viagra? He can get it OTC.

Have you ever had a healthy sex life with him?

Is it possible he is gay?

Throw him back. He’s a short term boyfriend and he’s not meeting your needs.

What did the dr say? He's accepted there is a problem. Made an appointment with GP. Is he following the advice given ?
If it's a short term problem and otherwise he's a good guy and I could see an end to it I'd put up with it.

Depends on his redeeming features I guess !

There's other ways than penis sex

I still gave him oral, still got him off by other means, etc. He doesn’t do anything like this for me.

And you didn't ask him to.
Because poor lamb gets too upset.
It's a bit of a one way street isn't it?

You attend to his needs, but put your own needs aside. He gets sexual gratification but you get nothing.
He's selfish as well as the physical problem.
You are propping up and fabricating a relationship around this guy, but he's not actually making any moves in your direction by the sounds of it.

What does he say when you talk about him giving you oral, using a dildo, just generally giving you pleasure in other ways?

He’s not adverse to trying viagra. I think he’s a bit lost at sea right now though. He’s really quite young for this to be happening to. When he went to the doctors they said that they think it’s stress causing it. They have ordered bloods and have said that as long as the bloods don’t come back showing any underlying cause they will prescribe viagra.

I don’t think he’s gay, of course I can never be 100% sure but I don’t think so.

As for a healthy sex life… sort off. Sex with him always felt somehow different to other men I’ve been with. He never felt like he got fully hard and he would lose an erection quite quickly. It always came back again though. He always took a very long time to finish as well but I put that down to watching a lot of porn.

Sexually no… he’s not meeting any of my needs.

He bends over backwards to spend time with me. He can be very dedicated in other ways but this is a major issue for me and I’m not sure he recognises quite how important it is.

I’ve messaged him saying we need to talk and he said he’ll call me asap (he’s in work currently). I’m going to bite the bullet and properly tell him how I feel. I have no idea how it’s going to go down.

If he’s watching a lot of porn that could be why.

It’s called PIED and he’s going to have to put the work in your get over it.

https://www.manual.co/health-centre/erectile-dysfunction/porn-induced

i know someone who had this and it took him six months of avoiding to recover.

You said you would be broken if his circumstances were transferred to you, so given that you would be broken would that put you in the mood so to speak to have sex with your partner? You are not entitled to sex, your partner is struggling and when people are struggling often sex is the bottom of the list. if you are going to make it as a long term couple then you might never have sex again if he doesn't get better. If that's not an option then leave. Sex is not a requirement for a healthy relationship despite what society makes you think. Also stop with the "he isn't meeting my needs" sex is a want not a need.

Definitely one of those circumstances where if the gender was reversed Mumsnet would be outraged.

That’s why I’ve come to mumsnet and not gone complaining to him. I’m aware that I may not be being fair as I said in my opening post.
Thank you, it’s good to hear opposing opinions as well and I don’t actually disagree with you. I’m not sure if this is a wrong or right scenario. I’m just extremely upset because I love him and I want to be with him but I’m 30 years old and can’t face a future without sex.

If you can’t talk about it, you really shouldn’t be doing it!

You’ve only been back together for a few weeks, so maybe focus on the other parts of the relationship for a while?
At the moment, I feel very sorry for him, as he obviously cares enough to be seeing the doc etc can’t you give him a little bit of time to see what the doctor says?
Ultimately, if sex is more important than he is, he’s not the right one for you anyway. Whilst it is an important part of a relationship for many people, most solid relationships can withstand a period of time without, especially if the other affection is there.

He said he can’t get an erection, but he gets one for oral and climaxes ?
If so he’s taking the mickey. Move on.

How does he know he can't get hard if he's not kissing you and trying to get turned on?! I don't get that. And as you point out he can still be intimate and pleasure you if he can't get hard. My DP would still enjoy doing that even if his penis wasn't working.

Also stop with the "he isn't meeting my needs" sex is a want not a need.

Seriously? So the requirements for a boyfriend are that he be able to feed you and give you water to drink and maybe shelter from the weather as those are the most basic "needs" we have. Everything else is a "want" and shame on you for wanting it?? In a long term relationship of course you put up with lack of sexual activity for a while. A year in with a boyfriend or girlfriend? you move on if you want to and no shame.

And actually sex is a need for humans. If we don't do it, then the species dies out.

You are not even a year in OP and sex has never felt great. Seriously, for both of you, this mightn't be the right relationship.

My thoughts too….

So he is going through a really tough time , sex probably isn't high on his agenda right now but he has still gone to the Drs about it . Just give him some more time see what the results say or if he gets viagra . If this was a woman posting saying I'm going through a really tough time at the moment but my boyfriend is moaning we aren't having sex people would be telling him tough he can do without !

Did you miss the OP saying that previously when she couldn't have sex for a while, she was still attentive to this bloke's sexual needs/desires? She gave him oral and was intimate in other ways.

At least read the OP's posts properly.

And? So because she martyred herself and pleasured him when she wasn't feeling up to it he should do the same? He's not a personal sex assistant

If he's always had bedroom issues of some description (I'd count taking ages to finish and frequently losing his erection as issues) and you're less than a year in, I'd throw this one back unless you really, really love him, and he's actively working on the problems (GP, no more porn etc.).

Yes I did read it , she stated she had a short term medical issue , his problems sound more due to external stresses which are then causing physical issues . Sex could be the last thing on his mind , it could just be another stress and pressure in his life when he just needs cuddles and support .

Tbh if sex is important to you, then I think you should move on - if it's never been good even in the initial honeymoon stage, then it's unlikely to ever be what you'd like. It's a short relationship, you don't have to pour effort into "fixing" it.

I wouldn't encourage any couple with very mismatched libidos to try to make it work, whichever way round it is.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex to be a significant part of the relationship.

I’m completely torn on this. Some replies see my point, others say I’m wrong and I do understand that perspective too. I don’t know what to do and it’s really hurting me.

To answer a few questions. The oral was last year before we split up. It was a weird split though because nothing actually changed, we just didn’t refer to ourselves as together anymore. Still saw each other every few days and texted.

Since we got back together three months ago there’s been nothing. We kiss and we cuddle and that is it.

He might just be sticking at kissing and cuddling as he may well feel if you go any further you may presume you are going to have sex and he knows he can't perform