Page 2 | Delicate subject - sex related, really need advice

Namechangeforthis189 · 2023-03-25T17:13:57+00:00

As per the title this is a really delicate subject and I’m struggling. I’m way out of my depth and I don’t know how to handle this situation. Me and my boyfriend got together last year. Timings were bad and the relationship ended the end of last year. We got back together and things were/are going ok. Except one issue… we haven’t had sex since we got back together. After a lot of time wondering what’s wrong with me and why wasn’t it happening he finally confided that he can’t get an erection. He feels broken and it’s really upsetting him. His life is extremely stressful right now (In fairness it is, I’d be broken by his circumstances by now if it was me) and he thinks it’s the stress causing it. After he told me he promised to make a doctors appointment which he did the following morning. I have to be honest though, I’m struggling and I feel so selfish that I’m finding it so difficult. I feel awful admitting it but I’m resentful. I love him but I feel like he’s somehow taken control of my sex life. Like I can’t have a sex life until he’s got to the bottom of this and talking to him about it is so hard. I guess I want some blunt honest opinions because I’m in the midst of it and I can’t tell if my expectations are unfair or not. Last year there was a short period of time where we couldn’t have sex due to a medical issue I had. He never really complained about it as such (maybe once or twice in a half hearted way) but I still made sure I showed I wanted him. I still gave him oral, still got him off by other means, etc. He doesn’t do anything like this for me. We cuddle and kiss but that is it. It’s really hard to talk to him about it and when I do he gets upset and worked up about the build up of pressure he feels about it all. I don’t know how to handle this. He’s extremely worried that this won’t go away for him anytime soon. I have to admit that I’m worried about it too. To me the longer it goes on the harder it’s going to be to get back on track and that scares me.

JudgeRudy · 25/03/2023 18:58

Fromwetome · 25/03/2023 17:56

You said you would be broken if his circumstances were transferred to you, so given that you would be broken would that put you in the mood so to speak to have sex with your partner? You are not entitled to sex, your partner is struggling and when people are struggling often sex is the bottom of the list. if you are going to make it as a long term couple then you might never have sex again if he doesn't get better. If that's not an option then leave. Sex is not a requirement for a healthy relationship despite what society makes you think. Also stop with the "he isn't meeting my needs" sex is a want not a need.

Definitely one of those circumstances where if the gender was reversed Mumsnet would be outraged.

I'm going to disagree that sex is a want not a need....well depending how you define need.
Most people could survive on gruel and water, hard labour and solitude. No conversation or interactions with others other than functional. Yes, we could survive but we'd be pretty miserable.
Most relationships would suffer and probably break down if there was a significant 'mis match' sexually.

IconicKitty · 25/03/2023 19:03

People are always quick to say 'he must be gay' on these threads, when tbh I think that's the least likely cause.

Stress and mental health does cause problems sexually, as do physical problems such as diabetes.

And then a lot of people are asexual or just aren't fussed about sex.

It may be his heart isn't in the relationship anymore - I have had this happen. You stay together out of convenience but the passion has gone, you see the person as a sexless roommate. It's probably how a lot of relationships are among older couples but you don't have to settle for it if that's the case.

If he's willing to try viagra and explore ways to fix it, give that a go and see if it helps. But if his heart isn't in it anymore, no meds will help.

Original poster

Namechangeforthis189 · 25/03/2023 19:10

I’m not sure it’s that his heart isn’t in it anymore. Honestly I think that would be easier to deal with. I’ve actually tried ending the relationship but if a conversation starts heading that way he completely breaks down. He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.

It's one reason why I struggle to understand this so much. He wants this relationship so badly but why? He can’t possible want a sexless relationship for the rest of his life surely? It makes no sense to me and I really want to understand.

OP posts:

category12 · 25/03/2023 19:14

I’m not sure it’s that his heart isn’t in it anymore. Honestly I think that would be easier to deal with. I’ve actually tried ending the relationship but if a conversation starts heading that way he completely breaks down. He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.

Lord, this is more reason to leave, not to stay.

Klaxons going off / red flags waving!

Don't stay with a guy who is emotionally blackmailing you into a relationship and making his MH your responsibility.

Nowthenhere · 25/03/2023 19:24

Impotence is related to heart health. If his ticker isn't working because he's so stressed nor will his penis.

He needs to consider whether he wants to deal with his health now or when it gets far worse by reviewing life changes such as what ever is putting him under stress.

Its unfair on you that you're having to handle this too. It effects both of you. But I would give yourself a time limit, if you can cope with it for say, 3 months but things don't change then call it time perhaps.

Keep communicating with him every step of the way.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 19:41

So he's a sexually dysfunctional young man who didn't return the favour of oral sex when you did it and emotionally and stone walks you about the situation (v hard to talk to) and severely emotionally blackmails you and manipulates you when you try to discuss ending the relationship.

No.

No, no, no.

At all but eso not at 30 with presumably no kids together.

Would you like kids? How the fuck is that going to happen with this.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 19:42

*and stone walld you about the situation (v hard to talk to) and severely emotionally blackmails and manipulates you when you try to discuss ending the relationship.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 19:44

Namechangeforthis189 · 25/03/2023 19:10

I’m not sure it’s that his heart isn’t in it anymore. Honestly I think that would be easier to deal with. I’ve actually tried ending the relationship but if a conversation starts heading that way he completely breaks down. He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.

It's one reason why I struggle to understand this so much. He wants this relationship so badly but why? He can’t possible want a sexless relationship for the rest of his life surely? It makes no sense to me and I really want to understand.

He clearly doesn't want to be single.

Whether his sexual dysfunction resolves or not is another issue.

TheCelt · 25/03/2023 19:44

You've not ended up with my ex have you?!

I was with someone very like that. Stuck with them while they went through a lot. Untill I was having a very difficult emotional time with family health and they walked out rather than help me through through it and repair our relationship.
On looking back on the relationship it is now clear to be how much emotion abuse was going on, that I discounted as depression.

I should have left when the threats of suicide if I left them started. But I didn't. Things spiraled from there.

I'd advise you to get out now. If you care then perhaps stay friends and support him as a friend. But don't tie yourself to him relationship wise.

flipflop00 · 25/03/2023 19:59

I can completely see why the thought of a sexless relationship is stressing you out. I think you should let him know that when you bring it up and you're met with him getting upset and not wanting to talk it's making you feel this way. He needs to realise that although it's his problem it also effects you in a big way, so of course you should be able to discuss it. Sex most definitely is a need, I disagree with the poster above who says it's a want.
Having said that it's a hard situation if he's going through a lot right now, it might not be the first thing on his mind. Maybe give him time to get blood test results and see if viagra helps. Maybe a month tops to see if his doctors can help and if not then you might not be a good match x

Ghostbuster2639 · 25/03/2023 22:17

I’ve actually tried ending the relationship but if a conversation starts heading that way he completely breaks down. He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.

If you don’t want to be with him, why on earth have you made a post about how to deal with his limp dick?

Just get rid. And ring the police if he threatens suicide again he sounds fucking awful.

Tuilpmouse · 26/03/2023 08:20

KvotheTheBloodless · 25/03/2023 18:32

If he's always had bedroom issues of some description (I'd count taking ages to finish and frequently losing his erection as issues) and you're less than a year in, I'd throw this one back unless you really, really love him, and he's actively working on the problems (GP, no more porn etc.).

I get failure to get or maintain an erection is an issue, as obviously you can't have sex without it...

But time taken to reach orgasm? If a woman was told they had a "bedroom issue" if they couldn't reach orgasm in a specified time from PIV, neither too short, not too long, that person would get short shrift.

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2023 08:26

He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.
The sex issue aside, this is a big reason to leave.
Nobody should be manipulated into staying in a relationship in this way.

Sunflowergirl1 · 26/03/2023 08:29

The reality is sadly he probably has ED issues and really is, he probably always will do without help on an ongoing basis. You have to decide how important it is and frankly it is the difference between a live in friend and a lover.

At your stage of a relationship with him shouting needy crap, I would move on.

Dicktimsabound · 26/03/2023 08:47

He sounds very low and in a bad place mentally at the moment. Maybe ask him what he would like to do and what he would see as the way forward as I'm sure he is only to aware he isn't meeting your need for a sexual relationship. If the pressure to do it is removed things may improve over a longer time period.

Could he have a porn addition as others have suggested? There are men that do and can't get it up IRL.

Naunet · 26/03/2023 09:39

Fromwetome · 25/03/2023 17:56

You said you would be broken if his circumstances were transferred to you, so given that you would be broken would that put you in the mood so to speak to have sex with your partner? You are not entitled to sex, your partner is struggling and when people are struggling often sex is the bottom of the list. if you are going to make it as a long term couple then you might never have sex again if he doesn't get better. If that's not an option then leave. Sex is not a requirement for a healthy relationship despite what society makes you think. Also stop with the "he isn't meeting my needs" sex is a want not a need.

Definitely one of those circumstances where if the gender was reversed Mumsnet would be outraged.

🙄sure, if the man had been giving her oral and making sure she still could enjoy intimacy, and then the woman didn’t return the favour when the situation was flipped, no one would object would they?

I fucking hate all this “if this was the other way around” bollocks when referring to a single part of the post rather than the whole picture.

Naunet · 26/03/2023 09:44

Tuilpmouse · 26/03/2023 08:20

I get failure to get or maintain an erection is an issue, as obviously you can't have sex without it...

But time taken to reach orgasm? If a woman was told they had a "bedroom issue" if they couldn't reach orgasm in a specified time from PIV, neither too short, not too long, that person would get short shrift.

Show quote history

Because men and women are different, maybe you haven’t noticed? It’s in part why there is an orgasm gap, and women orgasm far less than men do in a heterosexual relationship.

zen1 · 26/03/2023 09:49

The suicide threats and emotional blackmail are enough in themselves for you to end this relationship. He sounds awful.

Mama2six · 26/03/2023 09:59

This comment right here! Get the man in the bin seriously

PinkIdentity · 26/03/2023 15:35

Seriously…he’s never been fully crazy sexually over you which is very sad. I think it’s just right to be all over each other sexually when you start a relationship. This relationship has never been satisfactory for you…and maybe same for him. Unless you are 70 or over…it’s a resounding NO
When a guy is crazy for your sex he tries his hardest to give you oral and kiss you everywhere. I don’t understand why are you putting up with this situation

category12 · 26/03/2023 15:50

PinkIdentity · 26/03/2023 15:35

Seriously…he’s never been fully crazy sexually over you which is very sad. I think it’s just right to be all over each other sexually when you start a relationship. This relationship has never been satisfactory for you…and maybe same for him. Unless you are 70 or over…it’s a resounding NO
When a guy is crazy for your sex he tries his hardest to give you oral and kiss you everywhere. I don’t understand why are you putting up with this situation

I think she's putting up with it because of him threatening suicide if she splits up with him.

TedMullins · 26/03/2023 16:14

Namechangeforthis189 · 25/03/2023 19:10

I’m not sure it’s that his heart isn’t in it anymore. Honestly I think that would be easier to deal with. I’ve actually tried ending the relationship but if a conversation starts heading that way he completely breaks down. He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever, has made suicide threats (that’s a whole other thread), etc.

It's one reason why I struggle to understand this so much. He wants this relationship so badly but why? He can’t possible want a sexless relationship for the rest of his life surely? It makes no sense to me and I really want to understand.

Forget the sex problem. He made suicide threats? You do know that’s emotional blackmail and is abusive?

Skyskysky09 · 26/03/2023 16:21

Why doesn't he try to meet your needs in other ways as you did him when you was out of action?

Colourfingers2 · 26/03/2023 16:37

Why OP are you so obsessed with having sex with him when he is clearly under so much stress and pressure that it is affecting his penile and erectile functioning? Can you not see that your pushing him on this issue is exacerbating the problem rather than helping to solve it? Do you not think you are being selfish?
Why can’t you satisfy yourself for a while if you really need to assuming that you have working fingers of course? Whilst providing him with the moral support to get through his situation.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 26/03/2023 16:45

Colourfingers2 · 26/03/2023 16:37

Why OP are you so obsessed with having sex with him when he is clearly under so much stress and pressure that it is affecting his penile and erectile functioning? Can you not see that your pushing him on this issue is exacerbating the problem rather than helping to solve it? Do you not think you are being selfish?
Why can’t you satisfy yourself for a while if you really need to assuming that you have working fingers of course? Whilst providing him with the moral support to get through his situation.

Or, she could find herself a functioning man who does not threaten suicide as a means of controlling her.