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Original poster

Delicate subject - sex related, really need advice

71 replies

Namechangeforthis189 · 25/03/2023 17:13

As per the title this is a really delicate subject and I’m struggling. I’m way out of my depth and I don’t know how to handle this situation.

Me and my boyfriend got together last year. Timings were bad and the relationship ended the end of last year. We got back together and things were/are going ok. Except one issue… we haven’t had sex since we got back together. After a lot of time wondering what’s wrong with me and why wasn’t it happening he finally confided that he can’t get an erection. He feels broken and it’s really upsetting him. His life is extremely stressful right now (In fairness it is, I’d be broken by his circumstances by now if it was me) and he thinks it’s the stress causing it.

After he told me he promised to make a doctors appointment which he did the following morning. I have to be honest though, I’m struggling and I feel so selfish that I’m finding it so difficult. I feel awful admitting it but I’m resentful. I love him but I feel like he’s somehow taken control of my sex life. Like I can’t have a sex life until he’s got to the bottom of this and talking to him about it is so hard.

I guess I want some blunt honest opinions because I’m in the midst of it and I can’t tell if my expectations are unfair or not.
Last year there was a short period of time where we couldn’t have sex due to a medical issue I had. He never really complained about it as such (maybe once or twice in a half hearted way) but I still made sure I showed I wanted him. I still gave him oral, still got him off by other means, etc. He doesn’t do anything like this for me. We cuddle and kiss but that is it. It’s really hard to talk to him about it and when I do he gets upset and worked up about the build up of pressure he feels about it all.

I don’t know how to handle this. He’s extremely worried that this won’t go away for him anytime soon. I have to admit that I’m worried about it too. To me the longer it goes on the harder it’s going to be to get back on track and that scares me.

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 16:51

the OP is not selfish for wanting a boyfriend who can fuck properly!!!

Ghostbuster2639 · 26/03/2023 16:52

Why can’t you satisfy yourself for a while if you really need to assuming that you have working fingers of course? Whilst providing him with the moral support to get through his situation.

I don’t think you’ve read the thread properly. The op has tried to split up with this man and he threatens suicide. She doesn’t owe him any support.

furryfrontbottom · 26/03/2023 16:53

Colourfingers2 · 26/03/2023 16:37

Why OP are you so obsessed with having sex with him when he is clearly under so much stress and pressure that it is affecting his penile and erectile functioning? Can you not see that your pushing him on this issue is exacerbating the problem rather than helping to solve it? Do you not think you are being selfish?
Why can’t you satisfy yourself for a while if you really need to assuming that you have working fingers of course? Whilst providing him with the moral support to get through his situation.

Oh dear, are you his mummy?

2bazookas · 26/03/2023 16:57

Your revived relationship is very brief. Why don't you say " Look, when I had a sexual difficulty, you were kind and understanding but did not go without pleasure. But now its the other way round, you're not reciprocating. It makes me feel < X,Y,Z>. can we talk about this? ."

Topics for conversation are viagra, other ways of pleasing you, and why he hasn't already offered that.

If he's unwilling to discuss then the relationship is off again.

Original poster
Namechangeforthis189 · 26/03/2023 21:57

Thank you for the responses. I’ve read them all and they are much appreciated.

I spoke to him about it and saying that it didn’t go well would be an understatement. It turned into one of the worst arguments of my life. The short of it is that he can’t perform because of the stress he’s under anyway but there’s also a mental block that he’s working on getting past but finding hard.

I didn’t want to drip feed but it’s relevant on this occasion. There was an accidental pregnancy last year. He was very against keeping it and I needed time to think and he wasn’t very accepting of that. He became quite scary and I’ll hold my hands up and say that I lied and told him I’d had a termination to get the space needed to think about it. He’s struggling with that lie on top of all the stress.

As for trying to discuss whether he’d be willing to be intimate without sex… that went down like a lead balloon. He can’t do anything sexual if he’s not in the mood. While I believe it’s selfish, he also has every right to think that way. He wants to go to his follow up doctors appointment, work through it in counselling and be left to fix it himself and he will let me know when he’s ready for sex.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/03/2023 22:03

OP, this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship.

His suicide threats, the emotional blackmail, him intimidating you into an abortion. It sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, and the sex side of it is a red herring, (or possibly another method of control.)

Instead of trying to fix it - leave him.

category12 · 26/03/2023 22:11

Threatening self-harm or suicide is not unusual from abusive partners -

But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them.

Ikeameatballs · 26/03/2023 22:14

The more you say, the more it’s obvious that your relationship needs to end.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/03/2023 22:18

I would give it up as a bad job. You haven't had sex since you got back together again. You didn't even have a honeymoon period after that. I would let him work out his problems on his own but think it's probably due to a death grip.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 26/03/2023 22:28

Ah god no.

Even if it was just the sex problems that would be a no that early on. Too many options and if sex is your love language ect and you desire it there is nothing worse than a guy who has dead dick syndrome.

I had sex with this guy and the chemistry I thought was amazing. So much build up and he just couldn't keep it hard unless it was oral it was just awkward. I suspect it was porn related. Tried another time same thing and it just makes you feel a bit shit.

Everything else you are saying doesn't sound good. I also had a relationship with a guy in my teens who couldn't keep it up and turned out to be gay. I wouldn't stick around to find out what the issue is it doesn't sound healthy and you've not been together long.

HellonHeels · 28/03/2023 00:10

He became quite scary

Why would you want to be with someone who became quite scary when you didn't immediately do what he wanted? He's a first class arsehole pleaae get rid of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 00:18

My god, op, this relationship is a toxic disaster that needs to end immediately. Not having sex is just the tip of the iceberg. FFS, please stop wasting your time with this man. You should have never gotten back together with him. End it right now with a text message and then move on with your life.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/03/2023 00:35

He's all about himself and incredibly needy. Wants everything his way.

Leave now and don't stay friends- he's not the person for you.

Nancydrawn · 28/03/2023 02:34

OP, you certainly don't have to answer this, but: did you ultimately have the termination or did you have the child? I want to emphasize: both would be totally legitimate. But I was unclear as to whether there was a child in the mix here.

RosaCaramella · 28/03/2023 02:49

You don’t owe this guy anything. You don’t have to be chained to him. His future, sexless or not, is not your responsibility. You would be much better off alone or with someone who doesn’t make you feel scared.xx

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 28/03/2023 02:51

HellonHeels · 28/03/2023 00:10

He became quite scary

Why would you want to be with someone who became quite scary when you didn't immediately do what he wanted? He's a first class arsehole pleaae get rid of him.

This

Weatherwax13 · 28/03/2023 02:53

Christ, his sexual dysfunction is the least of your worries OP. He's been horrible to you and the whole relationship is toxic. Move on.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 28/03/2023 02:56

He cries, says that if I end it he’s not going to attempt another relationship ever again, he wants to be with me forever

Sounds like he's well aware of how difficult it's going to be to convince another woman to put up with his shit. Being back in the dating game will mean he actually needs to put in an effort to be appealing!

Cumpanypicnic · 28/03/2023 02:58

I’d decide if you like him or not. If you do, then you should probably be a supportive partner and just suck it up I’m afraid. How would you like it if he forced you to give him a ‘handy’ if you weren’t in the mood? It’s not really very fair to pressure him, in fact it’s kinda bordering on abusive (sorry).
If you don’t like him that much, equally, it’s completely fair enough to say ‘look this isn’t for me, I have needs and you ain’t hitting them’ will probably make his complex quite a bit worse to be honest, but that’s not really your responsibility and if you arnt that set on him then you just need to be honest.
on a practical note, have you tried masturbating more? To help hit your ‘itch’? Could be a short term solution while he gets over what it is he is going through.

BertaHoon · 28/03/2023 03:05

I entered into a relationship with an ex I'd not seen for years. Both very excited, however he could not get an erection. I mean sometimes he could but...

It ruined us as we were best friends. We did have sex a few times with Viagra and it was amazing. Actually we had sex quite a lot without too, thinking about it.

He went through a very stressful time and that was that really. Of course I supported him, of course we were intimate in other ways.

There was still the feeling though of - I'm not turning him on and the pressure he put on himself, feeling he was letting me down. We'd known each other 20 years! Very honest and open.

In the end it got awkward sitting next to each other, holding hands, just trying to be intimate in other ways because we both put pressure on ourselves.

Yes, ultimately it broke us up. One of many things though.

I wouldn't get into a new relationship like this.

Even taking viagra becomes a bit clinical.

Sunflowergirl1 · 28/03/2023 03:24

Namechangeforthis189 · 26/03/2023 21:57

Thank you for the responses. I’ve read them all and they are much appreciated.

I spoke to him about it and saying that it didn’t go well would be an understatement. It turned into one of the worst arguments of my life. The short of it is that he can’t perform because of the stress he’s under anyway but there’s also a mental block that he’s working on getting past but finding hard.

I didn’t want to drip feed but it’s relevant on this occasion. There was an accidental pregnancy last year. He was very against keeping it and I needed time to think and he wasn’t very accepting of that. He became quite scary and I’ll hold my hands up and say that I lied and told him I’d had a termination to get the space needed to think about it. He’s struggling with that lie on top of all the stress.

As for trying to discuss whether he’d be willing to be intimate without sex… that went down like a lead balloon. He can’t do anything sexual if he’s not in the mood. While I believe it’s selfish, he also has every right to think that way. He wants to go to his follow up doctors appointment, work through it in counselling and be left to fix it himself and he will let me know when he’s ready for sex.

I really think you would be better taking a break from all this. The relationship is complex and some aspects toxic. In reality, young me with ED is in most cases not quickly solved. Take a step back from his stress

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