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Relationships

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Original poster

Won't give me the spare key

54 replies

Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:02

Name changed for this as I'm a long time user.

My boyfriend has a key to my place. Given as a sign of trust and because I'm too lazy to answer the door . He's been living with me but has now got a place of his own (something he was always going to do). He lost his keys yesterday, the spare was inside the flat. I suggested that he keep the spare at mine but he tactfully ignored me. I don't even want the key to use but it would make more sense to leave it at mine. He will no doubt leave it with his friend that lives 3 hours away, where I only live 20 mins from him. I'm upset that the trust only seems to goes one way. How do I ask for my key back to address the balance and do there's no feelings of resentment on my part as he obviously doesn't trust me with his key.

OP posts:

EVHead · 25/03/2023 08:04

Don’t let him ignore you. Keep asking him.

Donotgogentle · 25/03/2023 08:05

You need to communicate! Explain how it makes you feel. Ask him what the issue is and explain that it makes the relationship unbalanced.

His he responds will tell you a lot.

DustyLee123 · 25/03/2023 08:05

Just change the locks and don’t give him another. And consider that the relationship is not equal, and do you want to remain in it.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 25/03/2023 08:06

Why not just hear what he is telling you? I predict a massive shift in your relationship..
And it isn't a positive one.

Dotcheck · 25/03/2023 08:07

If you want the key thing to work both ways, perhaps just say that since he has his own place now, he can give your spare key back

FrankandWalters · 25/03/2023 08:07

Lots of slightly odd things here — your bf has been living with you but always intended to move out again? Why? How long have you been a couple, and how long had you been a couple when he moved in? Whose idea was it? And you can’t think how to ask your own boyfriend for your key?

It sounds to me as if the relationship is no longer a priority to him, and possibly he’s planning to end things, if he’s really leaving his key with a geographically distant friend rather than a nearby girlfriend?

AHelpfulHand · 25/03/2023 08:10

You’ve given him a key to your house as it’s used regularly.

The key he gives you won’t be used will it?

Ive never had to use my spare key, I would only give someone a key who was going to use it on a regular basis.

Donotgogentle · 25/03/2023 08:10

But we don’t know if the boyfriend is leaving his key with a friend 3 hours away, the OP is just assuming that.

Honestly OP, just talk about it rather than passively aggressively asking for your key back. If he’s not committed then you know what you need to do.

ShandaLear · 25/03/2023 08:11

Be honest with him. Tell him you’re upset that he doesn’t trust you with his key when you trust him with yours, and that if he doesn’t think sharing keys (for very practical reasons)is a good idea you’d rather have yours back.

He won’t share his key, even though you have shared yours, for one or more of 3 reasons:

He doesn’t think your relationship is serious enough to warrant a key
He doesn’t want you dropping in unannounced because he either has someone else over or he has stuff there he doesn’t want you to know about.
He doesn’t trust you enough to let you have unsupervised access.

Moonshine5 · 25/03/2023 08:13

Clearly this goes deeper than a key exchange.

perfectcolourfound · 25/03/2023 08:13

I don't see the warning signs that a pp has sign re him moving out. It isn't obligatory to live together, lots of couples choose to live apart very successfully. I wonder if perhaps him living with you was always a temporary arrangement for practical reasons while he sorted out somewhere to live? Anyway, that on its own I don't think is odd at all.

However, some concerns:

you suggested having his spare key same as he has yours - he ignored you - he didn't show you the respect of a conversation so either generally doesn't treat you with respect or was avoiding the real reason
you don't know how to broach this with him - you should be able to talk to your bf about something as mundane as this without worry
you think he'll leave the spare with someone 3 hours away (v odd thing to do - no practical benefit at all!) - does he not see you as serious or long term?

PritiPatelsMaker · 25/03/2023 08:14

If he was living with you, why did he move out?

Are you listening to what he's telling you? He doesn't want to live with you and he doesn't even trust you with a key.

I'd change the locks, pretty simple to do yourself with a YouTube video and a trip to B&Q and then gave a serious think about why you want to stay with him.

saraclara · 25/03/2023 08:20

He will no doubt leave it with his friend that lives 3 hours away,

What makes you think that?
I'm not entirely sure how this 'ignoring' went. Was he distracted with other things when you mentioned it? Was he thinking through what to do and still in problem solving mode re being locked out at that moment?

It's hard to know whether he deliberately didn't answer you because he doesn't want you to have one, or whether he just wasn't focused on you and the spare key issue at the time.

Happysalley · 25/03/2023 08:20

Just because you are comfortable giving him a key to your place, it doesn't mean he is automatically obligated to hand over his own key. I'm intensely private and don't think I would ever give someone a key to my house. They'd see my doom piles of crap dotted around the house or my alarming number of Google searches for Pedro Pascal (if they turned on the computer). I'd also feel under pressure to keep the house tidy and 'guest ready' in case they were to drop in unannounced.

Original poster

Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:21

We've been together a good while. When we met he was living with the friend but spent all his time at mine so moved in with me. He was looking for his own place when he was living with his friend anyway. I've always had great difficulty with communication so will just ask him.

OP posts:

Ellie1015 · 25/03/2023 08:23

I would say "please can I have my key back. I thought we were at key swapping stage but realise we aren't which is fair enough. I would like mine back as seems a bit weird for you to have a key to my house but not want to leave yours with me"

Or pretend to lose your key. Take his and dont return it. He can hardly ask for it back.

Shoelacesundone · 25/03/2023 08:24

Yeah @Ellie1015 suggestion is good if you want to avoid confrontation

FlibbertyGibbitt · 25/03/2023 08:24

Get your key returned. Change your locks if he doesn’t. Don’t sweat about him giving you his spare key. Let him do the 3 hour trip. Let him get on with it.

GoodChat · 25/03/2023 08:26

He just wants his own privacy. That's fine.

Hiddenvoice · 25/03/2023 08:27

if it’s a new place then I’d say he wants a bit of privacy and isn’t ready for a key swap with you. It’s slightly different as he was living with you so you gave him a key but he’s perhaps worried you’ll just show up when you want and he’s not ready for that.
You need to chat to him, tell him how you feel about it but also listen to his feelings.

callthataspade · 25/03/2023 08:30

How long have you been together?

The lack of communication is huge.

You can't ask. He won't even have a conversation with you.

I can't see this going anywhere unless you can actually start communicating. And that's taking out the imbalance in the relationship.

BurglarAndSwag · 25/03/2023 08:34

Has he not got a flowerpot or doormat where he can put the spare key?

It's what I suggest to everybody.
😇

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 08:36

I don't think he's very invested in this relationship. My guess is he's making an exit plan.

illbeinthegarden · 25/03/2023 08:40

Did his friend move 3 hours away around the same time he moved in with you? Have you provided a stop gap living arrangement and have served your purpose?

Have a chat with him be open about it. Hopefully he just wants privacy. I like my time alone I'd hate that someone could just walk in without notice.

Greenfairydust · 25/03/2023 08:40

@EVHead

''Don’t let him ignore you. Keep asking him.''

No.

She has already made her wishes clear.

You should not have to endlessly ''nag'' someone to get them to do something.

It is just a sign that he doesn't want her dropping in unannounced. I think he had already made that clear when she gave him a key and he never thought of reciprocating.

I don't think you are both on the same page with this.

Your boyfriend likely saw living with you as a temporary/part-time arrangement while he was getting a new place while you thought it was a sign of commitment. I would be very cautious here.

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