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Original poster

Won't give me the spare key

54 replies

Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:02

Name changed for this as I'm a long time user.

My boyfriend has a key to my place. Given as a sign of trust and because I'm too lazy to answer the door Grin. He's been living with me but has now got a place of his own (something he was always going to do). He lost his keys yesterday, the spare was inside the flat. I suggested that he keep the spare at mine but he tactfully ignored me. I don't even want the key to use but it would make more sense to leave it at mine. He will no doubt leave it with his friend that lives 3 hours away, where I only live 20 mins from him. I'm upset that the trust only seems to goes one way. How do I ask for my key back to address the balance and do there's no feelings of resentment on my part as he obviously doesn't trust me with his key.

OP posts:
imsureineverdo · 25/03/2023 08:40

"Borrow" your key and don't give it back? Obviously this goes deeper than that though.

Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:41

@BurglarAndSwag he lives in a flat so can't leave it under a flowerpot or anything like that. He loses things often that's why I suggested it. I don't want the key to let myself in at all. It just makes sense to leave the keep nearby that's all. I will ask for my keys back now he has his own place now. I think I'm just kidding myself about a lot of things in the relationship really. Ah well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:42

I have a key safe box with my own spare keys in. He doesn't have the combination for it thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:44

His friend always lived where he lived. My boyfriend stayed with me more and more which I was happy with as it cut down on him travelling to me which was always easier for the both of us.

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 08:47

You suggested you keep the key at yours and he said nothing.

You can't assume it is that he doesn't trust you. Who knows what he was thinking in that moment. You need to have a conversation with him about it and find out what he was thinking and then decide if you have an issue with that or not.

Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:47

@Greenfairydust I was never a stopgap. We always knew he'd get his own place. He lived alone before he was staying with his friend, all his furniture was in storage - living/staying with his friend and me was always a temporary thing. Neither of us want to do the living together permanently thing. We're great believers in LAT relationships.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 25/03/2023 08:48

Get your key back from him ASAP (tell him you need it for friend) and never let him have one again.

If he doesn't comply, change the locks and give him the bill. Don't give him a key again.

Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:48

@musingsinmidlife I agree. I am making assumptions and should just ask him. I'm making up a scenario in my head that may well be the complete opposite of what the issue really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:49

I have no doubt he will give me the key back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 08:52

@illbeinthegarden I'd never go there unannounced and I only ever go there with him. Otherwise he's at my place. It's not about wanting to let myself in whenever it's just for him having a spare key nearby instead of (a) in his flat or (b) 3 hours away. Both those situations are pointless.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/03/2023 08:53

Just say "I feel a bit hurt that you just ignored my suggestion you leave your spare key with me and it makes me feel like I'm more invested in our relationship than you are, which is uncomfortable" and see what he says.

Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 09:01

@category12 that's a good way to phrase it. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 10:30

@saraclara what you say makes sense. He was in the process of moving some bits into the flat when he realised he was locked out. My suggestion was done via text in reply to him texting me to say he was locked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 10:34

@Happysalley I know he isn't obligated - if he doesn't want to that is entirely up to him. If he wants to keep it miles away and drive to get when he inevitably locks himself out I'll just sit back and let him crack on. For me though it's about trust or lack thereof by the looks of things.

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/03/2023 10:39

Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 10:30

@saraclara what you say makes sense. He was in the process of moving some bits into the flat when he realised he was locked out. My suggestion was done via text in reply to him texting me to say he was locked out.

Ah, if the conversation was by text, I'd definitely not assume the worst of him. He was clearly distracted and a text is a) not something that needs an immediate reply and b) easy to forget about when you're dealing with a stressful situation.

So yep, I reckon you're readinng the worst into it unnecessarily. Obviously you have more context than we do, but I think a lot of the suggestions that people have made are unnecessarily combative, when you only have an unanswered text message to go on.

I'd just go with a very simple and straightforward 'have you thought about whether you'd like me to keep a spare key for you?'. And in person rather than by text. That will at least clarify things, and without making yourself appear to be looking for trouble.

mrmr1 · 25/03/2023 12:47

Change the lock and then do not give him a key see if he asks you for one .

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 25/03/2023 12:54

Powertotheflower · 25/03/2023 10:30

@saraclara what you say makes sense. He was in the process of moving some bits into the flat when he realised he was locked out. My suggestion was done via text in reply to him texting me to say he was locked out.

Poor guy was locked out of his flat, the spare key question probably wasn't high on his list of priorities right at that minute.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 13:11

How do I ask for my key back to address the balance and do there's no feelings of resentment on my part as he obviously doesn't trust me with his key.

Plainly, without emotion, & observe his reaction closely.
"Can I have my key please?"
& see what he says.

I suspect he feels entitled to have your key, because he lived with you.
Now he has his own place, he doesn't feel that privilege should extend to you.
I would have a problem with that kind of double standard.

It's up to you whether you feel strongly about it. But I's surprised you don't feel able to just ask him for your key back without consulting the Vipers - that is NOT a criticism of you btw, it's concern about why you feel constrained from being upfront & blunt with him.

Namechangingagain111 · 25/03/2023 13:30

Explain to him he can (gasp!) get another spare key cut
Then leave one with you and one with his mate
If he still says no, change your locks and don't give him a spare.
And then, if it was me, I'd dump him

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:44

So was he only living with you while saving up to get his own place? Now you've served your purpose

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 13:49

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:44

So was he only living with you while saving up to get his own place? Now you've served your purpose

Neither of them want to live with the other permanently.
OP has said they are both into LAT.

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:52

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 13:49

Neither of them want to live with the other permanently.
OP has said they are both into LAT.

Show quote history

Or ones into LAT and the other just wanted to save money and has now done so.

saraclara · 25/03/2023 13:53

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:52

Or ones into LAT and the other just wanted to save money and has now done so.

Show quote history

Why do you think that?

Ah. He's a man so must be in the wrong.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 25/03/2023 13:54

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:52

Or ones into LAT and the other just wanted to save money and has now done so.

Show quote history

Possibly.

But OP won;t know that until she;s spoken to him in person about her key, & gauged his reaction.

Not responding to a text when you are stressed by being locked out & taken up with fixing that is very different to ignoring a face-to-face question.

saraclara · 25/03/2023 13:54

saraclara · 25/03/2023 13:53

Why do you think that?

Ah. He's a man so must be in the wrong.

Show quote history

...and apparently a woman can't possibly know her own mind. So you've managed to insult both of them, @jannier

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