Am I asking too much?

[hellohelloyellow]

Me and my long term partner have 3 children, they are 6, 2 and 8 weeks. When we had our first child he was the kindest loveliest man I knew. He was a great dad and a great partner.

Fast forward to tonight, my 2 year old is up being sick in his bed. I get up and tend to 2 year old I start to strip the bed clean him and the bedroom up. 8 week old wakes and starts to cry, was due a feed anyway but probably also woke from the noise of the chaos erupting in the other bedroom.

I made a bottle and asked my partner if he would rather feed the baby or tend to 2 year old who was still being violently sick everywhere. He starts swearing at me saying he shouldn't have to fucking deal with this and it's my problem.

I do all the night feeds (and day feeds), I do 99% of all caring for our newborn because he has all of a sudden told me he "can't do it". He's been quite angry lately and has short patience so it didn't surprise me. He's usually great with the older two but does nothing round the home as he "has a full time job".

He refused to get out of bed tonight so I've had to sort out 2 year old and try and feed our newborn at the same time. I'm currently sleeping in the living room with both kids because 2 year old keeps being sick and it's waking my older child.

I just feel devastated. I don't expect a lot but a bit of support really would have helped. Am I asking too much to want my partner to help in that situation? He's currently slept through the whole ordeal even though he could probably hear me repeatedly taking my toddler to the bathroom to clean him up after each sick episode.

It's made me realise that this is not the life I want and i would probably be better on my own. I gave up work when I had our 2 year old and was about to go back when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 3rd who I adore and do not regret. He's told me if he knew it would be like this he wouldn't of had her. I don't even recognise him any more.

Don't really know what I'm asking for apart from someone to tell me that it isn't right 😞

((Hugs)) he sounds like an ass

You know you are not being unreasonable… SAHM means you look after them instead of paying for childcare does not mean 24/7 care solo!!! Bet he doesn’t work 24/7 in his full time job so why should you

Dont put up with that!!

You are absolutely NOT asking for too much. Beyond parents is a team game.
I totally understand is he works full time he doesn’t want to get up and do the night feeds, fair enough. But in this situation with a sick toddler that was really out of order!!!!
i would talk to him seriously. Having 3 young kids is not easy. Have you ever thought he may have postnatal depression? Men can get it too

Given this is a change it would like he could be depressed. It can present as irritability and low level anger. I would have him see his GP. It sounds like he really isn’t coping with the stress in his life.

I did think it could be some kind of depression. He hasn't been very nice to me lately. Calling me names and just very irritable. Some days he's happy and lovely and helpful and others he's useless and nasty and spiteful. It's got to the point where i don't know what kind of day it's going to be.
Not to drip feed but when our toddler was a newborn I found out he had a short affair. He was remorseful and we worked through it but I remember him at the time being really horrible to me and I just couldn't understand why he was treating me like he didn't like me let alone love me.

He always says how embarrassed he is of what he did and how he would never do it again. Looking back now it was obvious as he was out every evening with some sort of plan. He's mostly home in the evenings currently but I can't help but worry it could be happening again and that's why he's being like this but if he is depressed I would feel awful for even questioning him about it.

How can I approach the subject of depression without sounding condescending?

Honestly it probably would be easier on your own.

There's no excuse - he could be depressed blah blah. He just doesn't want to step up.

I would just say you haven’t been yourself. You are irritable, not wanting to help with the kids, getting angry easily. (Describe changes). Tell him that you are concerned for him as it is a change and also concerned as it is impacting you and the family. Encourage him to talk to his GP about it. It is also okay at some point for you to have a limit and to say things can’t continue the way they are. That something needs to change.

@musingsinmidlife that's a good way of putting it, I will try and approach the subject tomorrow

No, you are not being unreasonable asking for a bit of help with a newborn and sick toddler!
Depression or not he’s being a massive asshole. I was depressed, a newborn and toddler and I got up without fail! (Ex never helped). It wasn’t an option for me to lie there and do nothing.
Given he had the same behaviour before and it was an affair I would be considering that option more likely than depression. Name calling is awful and abusive.
I’m so sorry he is treating you like that.

it sounds horrible. sending you lots of love xx congratulations on your lovely new little one. I'm very sorry you are trying to parent her with someone treating you so badly though

You can do so much better
LTB

It’s not right at all.

Don't let him use MH as an excuse. He needs to parent his children.

All the love to you OP 💐

Don't use mental health as an excuse for him being a cheat and a deadbeat dad.

It's more likely that he is cheating again.

I hope to god you are on the mortgage?

It sounds like he has exited the relationship.

Three kids is hard work and definitely more of a team effort needed. I bet you picked up most of slack before and didn't realise. And now that you literally don't have enough arms to do it all he's resentful. I'd have put toddler in bed next to him with a bowl and gone else where to feed and settle baby. (Although tbf I probably wouldn't have actually done thst I'd have done exactly what your doing) Sorry you are going through this. You need to talk to him when you are both not stressed.

Yep, sounds like a massive prick. You need to have a really firm chat and get to the bottom of it, there is no way you should have had to deal with both children in this circumstance. Yes it’s shitty being woken up to clean up sick but that’s what parenting is.

I'd be wondering if he's having an affair again, tbh.

Often when people are, they pick fights or behave shittily to their partners, almost to create the "unhappy marriage" narrative that justifies them shagging around. Or potentially to drive their partner into ending things for them.

Even if it's not that, his behaviour to you is not OK. Far from it.

He was out of order, you are both parents and he should have felt obliged to help. If his behaviour is affecting you negatively then I would talk to him, try to find out what was going on and see how you can both make it better. 💐💐. You did nothing wrong !

Just to update a little bit, I tried to approach the subject of mental health. I didn't want to pressure him so I just said that he hasn't been himself lately and that I've noticed. I said that if he's going through something that I'm here and I love him and that it will pass. I just wanted him to know I'm here without putting the pressure of needing to chat about it right now.
He told me to fuck off and other choice names. At this point I don't think it's depression. Although I know it comes in different forms and people go through it differently. He said he's going to avoid my disgusting attitude for the rest of the day so. There we go.

It sounds like the relationship has gone past its sell by date. It sounds like he doesn't respect you.

This is horrendous behaviour and should 100% not be happening. He is modelling utterly disrespectful and abusive behaviour to your children. Ask him to leave op he is a pig and not your project to fix.

I'm really sorry OP, he's behaving so abominably I would suspect its not depression. Ime depressed people tend to have a very flat effect, listless, not angry and confrontational. Whatever the acrual reason, you sound kind and thoughtful and he sounds extremely unpleasant. With 2 young kids I imagine this is a terrible time to consider leaving?

Not at all. I’m a Sahm my partner works full time. Whilst working full time has come home and completely took over everything, cooking, cleaning, running to the doctors etc because me and the 2 kids are ill and his done this for a week. No need for a thanks either, that’s just family life and we pull together. (Although once we are all better a big treat for each of us as it has been hell)

What's all this about asking men to "help" with the children they've created? Aren't children a joint responsibility? Some men just aren't parent material.

Here we go, theres always one trying to excuse a man acting like a dickhead by blaming depression 🙄

I had severe PND and I still looked after my children and didn't treat my partner like shit. Even if he is depressed (I don't think he is) it's not OPs job to cure his depression. He needs to seek help for himself. Too many women stay in shit relationships because "God love him, he's depressed and I'm being a bitch to expect him to treat me like a human being when he's sad". I bet he doesn't speak to his friends or relatives the way he speaks to you.

OP the way he spoke to you is not OK. The way he refused to look after HIS children is not OK.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Either things change or it's over. By the sounds of it your a single mother anyway.

Hi op I’ve read your posts. You needed support last night and he should have been there for you. You’ve been gentle and loving with him this morning and he’s thrown it back in your face. Currently you’re raising your children without him. He’s changed and he’s not ready to accept what’s caused it. Right now I suggest telling people in real life and getting support from your family and friends. If also ask him to sleep elsewhere for a few days to make you both think about what you want from this relationship. No healthy relationship has name calling.

Hope you’re okay!