Am I asking too much?

[hellohelloyellow]

Me and my long term partner have 3 children, they are 6, 2 and 8 weeks. When we had our first child he was the kindest loveliest man I knew. He was a great dad and a great partner.

Fast forward to tonight, my 2 year old is up being sick in his bed. I get up and tend to 2 year old I start to strip the bed clean him and the bedroom up. 8 week old wakes and starts to cry, was due a feed anyway but probably also woke from the noise of the chaos erupting in the other bedroom.

I made a bottle and asked my partner if he would rather feed the baby or tend to 2 year old who was still being violently sick everywhere. He starts swearing at me saying he shouldn't have to fucking deal with this and it's my problem.

I do all the night feeds (and day feeds), I do 99% of all caring for our newborn because he has all of a sudden told me he "can't do it". He's been quite angry lately and has short patience so it didn't surprise me. He's usually great with the older two but does nothing round the home as he "has a full time job".

He refused to get out of bed tonight so I've had to sort out 2 year old and try and feed our newborn at the same time. I'm currently sleeping in the living room with both kids because 2 year old keeps being sick and it's waking my older child.

I just feel devastated. I don't expect a lot but a bit of support really would have helped. Am I asking too much to want my partner to help in that situation? He's currently slept through the whole ordeal even though he could probably hear me repeatedly taking my toddler to the bathroom to clean him up after each sick episode.

It's made me realise that this is not the life I want and i would probably be better on my own. I gave up work when I had our 2 year old and was about to go back when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 3rd who I adore and do not regret. He's told me if he knew it would be like this he wouldn't of had her. I don't even recognise him any more.

Don't really know what I'm asking for apart from someone to tell me that it isn't right 😞

So it is either a new affair, or the old one never stopped.

Don't know why I'm updating really other than to vent but.

I've caught the sickness bug from the toddler. Ive been throwing up both ends since 9pm consistently. Partner comes into the bathroom and asks if I'm okay, anything he can do etc. I was head down the loo so not much anyone can do at that point so I said no thank you. He said he loves me and hates seeing me like this.

He's offered to take the day off tomorrow and he's slept in spare room so he doesn't catch it. Fair enough! Fast forward 3am newborn wakes for her night feed. She's shat through her clothes bless her so I proceed to change her and clean her up and get a bottle ready. He storms into the bedroom saying he can't take another moment hearing her crying and to "sort it out". She wasn't crying long but I'm feeling weak and trying to hold off throwing up long enough to feed and change her. I told him the least he could do was one night feed while I'm feeling poorly and that he was selfish for acting this way. He's ended the relationship. So there you have it, pretty sure another affair but doesn't really matter at this point.

I’m up feeling rough and just caught your update. I’m so sorry, you must be feeling awful right now. What an absolute arsehole he’s being to you. Sadly it does sound like there’s another woman on the scene, but either way he’s not giving you the love and support you need right now.I hope you have some help irl and someone can look after the kids later whilst you have a rest and try to process all this. 💐

I’m so sorry he’s refusing to parent and treat you as a loving partner would - or even extend the same kindness you would show a passing acquaintance, really. It’s contempt that he’s shown you.

I hope he leaves the family home and quickly realises unless he does 50/50 he’s going to feel the financial hit - and perhaps THEN he will acknowledge the value in what you’ve been doing.

so sorry you're going through this. but if you can accept his "notice" - he's ended it and done the hard part in a way. it really does sound like you and your children will be better off without him in your life like this. if he decides in the cold light of day he didn't mean it then it sounds like you really would be better off telling him he was right to end it, neither of you are happy and it's time to move on. depression, affair, temporary stress of a new born - who cares, he's shown how he acts in a difficult situation; selfish, unpleasant, disrespectful and irresponsible as a parent and partner. it's not your job to work through this. he will be begging you to get back with him 6 months down the line but you don't need this in your life. he sounds like an energy leech and you'll feel lighter and happier when he's gone. accepting it, especially with a new born and no doubt feeling overwhelmed, will be hard but sounds like he's done you a huge favour by ending it, try not to let him take it back.

Please ask for help tomorrow. Tell your friends you have a tummy bug and <dickheads name> refused to do a night feed to help you recover and has walked out instead after you asked him. Don’t cover up for him. I hope you feel better soon, I think him walking out might be the best thing he’s ever done for you. Don’t let him back.

I know he's told you he's ended it. But if he wavers in this, I would say that you are doing almost all the housework and childcare, but you don't need to go to a job at least. Once he's gone, you will be doing all of that, and working, and being lonely, and dealing with a million childcare arrangements.

I think I'd take his words at face value. He literally can't do anything. Imagine if you had three healthy children and one very disabled child; you'd still manage somehow. Now you have three children and one very disabled partner who is acting like a child.

But your first order of business is to pay somebody to track him. Find out who this woman is and have a sitdown with her. Just explain how he is as a parent.

Take him at his word; don’t let him come back to you - he’s already cheated once. Ask some real life friends or family for support today and see what steps you need to take - I would not recommend tracking down the other woman - you’ll just look crazy. Don’t do that.

He's doing you a favour. Lock the door behind him and wave him off. Your life will be much better without him.

Wait, so you wouldn't try to salvage the relationship? Wouldn't that mean that you didn't really love him? The OP said she did love him.

I know you must feel terrible, broken sleep, sickness in your children and now yourself but seek family or friends support and let this nasty piece of trash take himself out. Yes he’s probably having an affair it’s classic gaslighting behaviour, creating the narrative that gives him the permission he needs.

I know you’re children are very young and my heart breaks for how hard I know it’ll be BUT the calm and peace of not being called names and shouted at will help.

Self care, StD checks (if you feel you need checking and legal advice. But yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and don’t look back.

💐

Whether he's having an affair or he's just an abusive shit doesn't really matter. He's an abusive shit. Time to make plans to leave.

@ilikeyarn
Nope; I wouldn’t try to stay with someone who treated me like shit, was unkind to me and the kids and didn’t want to be a parent. Tbh, I would have left after he cheated the first time

I was just about to write something about Covert Narcissism
Then I read your update and it fits in even more

This is an abusive relationship and it may well be covert narcissistic abuse

As painful as it is, you are better off out of it
Get a decent settlement while he is still feeling guilty and before he can form a relationship with someone else who will have say in the finances/bring other kids into the mix

I know that will be mind boggling to read but it’s the most sensible thing to do

A man that can walk away from you unwell like this lacks empathy which is the hallmark of narcissism
An affair is a ego booster - narcissists need this supply to feel good

What a prize he is! So sorry op

‘But your first order of business is to pay somebody to track him. Find out who this woman is and have a sitdown with her. Just explain how he is as a parent.’

@ilikeyarn why on earth would she need to do this? She’s not in some competition with the OW where she has to fight to win a prize. He’s an abusive, nasty man who she’d be better off without. A cheat and most likely serial cheat who has not shown any sign of remorse and whose ‘First’ affair happened when she had a newborn. Loving someone does not mean we have to fight to stay when they are putting us at so much risk.

Wait, so you wouldn't try to salvage the relationship? Wouldn't that mean that you didn't really love him? The OP said she did love him.
Lol!!!
She should have kicked his ass through the door after the first affair. Whether he is having one now or not is largely irrelevant. He needs to go because of his abusive language towards op when she is ill and trying to do everything as well as ot giving basic care to his children. Why would you stick around for more of that?

How can you salvage a relationship where you're being treated so unbelievably badly??

"His attitude is due to guilt and he's projecting, blaming you.

Sadly suspect he's cheating again.

You need to get ducks in a row and leave him.

He won't change.

You and your children deserve better.

Sorry OP x"

This. I'm so sorry. Save yourself from the heartache and time wasting and leave. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but by god it's worth it. It's the worst feeling. You don't want to be bringing your kids up with a man who treats their mother like this. This was my motivation.

I'm sorry OP, he's a total selfish, lazy asshole. Sending you a virtual hug 🫂

He's a complete arse and he's done you a massive favour by ending it so you don't have to. You will be so much happier without him, op. Whether he's having an affair or not, he's a useless husband and father and you deserve a hell of a lot better.
Sending you lots of love ❤️

I was coming on to say the even if he's depressed, it's not an excuse to treat you badly and that if he's not willing to help himself, then you need to help yourself.

But I've just seen your update from last night, what a vile vile man op, how awful he is to treat you so badly when you're feeling so poorly (not that he should when you're well)

Take time, get better and then get paperwork etc together, see a solicitor and look forward to a lovely quiet life with your dc's and not his abusive arse

Oh and by the way, my ex acted exactly the same, and there was ow. It's almost like he had to prove to himself our relationship was awful by engineering arguments to back up the narrative he'd made up in his head

I'm sorry OP, you must be going through hell right now

She may not be able to win her boyfriend back. But she can warn the other woman where she too will end up. Getting the other woman to drop him is essential to his chances of recovery from being a jerk. The essential problem is the the man has not grown up and wasn't ready for the responsibilities of family life. She can leave him but he will still end up wanting to see the children. Before she knows it, he's got enough custody to place their children at risk with him, his fanciful parenting ideas, and the new girlfriend. Now you've got even more trouble.

The OP says, "I don't expect much." But she actually needs to expect more, beginning with asserting herself properly every time he insults her.

As for risk, she took on an enormous amount of risk in the beginning. She doesn't have to have sex with him if he is infected with a sexual disease. But remember, he is the only father these children have, and she can control the situation best if he stays at home and keeps bringing money in.

As for work load, in terms of being barely able to continue, many people have this situation even when happily married because their spouse has Parkinson's, dementia, schizophrenia, or whatever. Family support is the thing she needs.

So
hope you’re ok @hellohelloyellow