Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I asking too much?

76 replies

hellohelloyellow · 25/03/2023 03:30

Me and my long term partner have 3 children, they are 6, 2 and 8 weeks. When we had our first child he was the kindest loveliest man I knew. He was a great dad and a great partner.

Fast forward to tonight, my 2 year old is up being sick in his bed. I get up and tend to 2 year old I start to strip the bed clean him and the bedroom up. 8 week old wakes and starts to cry, was due a feed anyway but probably also woke from the noise of the chaos erupting in the other bedroom.

I made a bottle and asked my partner if he would rather feed the baby or tend to 2 year old who was still being violently sick everywhere. He starts swearing at me saying he shouldn't have to fucking deal with this and it's my problem.

I do all the night feeds (and day feeds), I do 99% of all caring for our newborn because he has all of a sudden told me he "can't do it". He's been quite angry lately and has short patience so it didn't surprise me. He's usually great with the older two but does nothing round the home as he "has a full time job".

He refused to get out of bed tonight so I've had to sort out 2 year old and try and feed our newborn at the same time. I'm currently sleeping in the living room with both kids because 2 year old keeps being sick and it's waking my older child.

I just feel devastated. I don't expect a lot but a bit of support really would have helped. Am I asking too much to want my partner to help in that situation? He's currently slept through the whole ordeal even though he could probably hear me repeatedly taking my toddler to the bathroom to clean him up after each sick episode.

It's made me realise that this is not the life I want and i would probably be better on my own. I gave up work when I had our 2 year old and was about to go back when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 3rd who I adore and do not regret. He's told me if he knew it would be like this he wouldn't of had her. I don't even recognise him any more.

Don't really know what I'm asking for apart from someone to tell me that it isn't right 😞

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 25/03/2023 12:05

Ehhhh I'm really sorry but you seriously think because he works he shouldn't do anything at home to..we have 3 under 2s and a teen, I stay home and hubby works and seems like I have a dream hubby them because as soon as he gets in from a shift he dives right in with housework,cooking,feeding,dressing or sorting kids out. If he is on a late night shift he will still get up with any kid who wakes. If I don't need help i tell him get back to bed and if all 3 under 2s wake sometimes I need his help. We are a proper team, doesn't matter who does most one day or less another everything gets done between us and happily. I hope things improve for you

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 12:11

InBedBy10 · 25/03/2023 12:04

Here we go, theres always one trying to excuse a man acting like a dickhead by blaming depression 🙄

I had severe PND and I still looked after my children and didn't treat my partner like shit. Even if he is depressed (I don't think he is) it's not OPs job to cure his depression. He needs to seek help for himself. Too many women stay in shit relationships because "God love him, he's depressed and I'm being a bitch to expect him to treat me like a human being when he's sad". I bet he doesn't speak to his friends or relatives the way he speaks to you.

OP the way he spoke to you is not OK. The way he refused to look after HIS children is not OK.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Either things change or it's over. By the sounds of it your a single mother anyway.

Show quote history

Men also experience mental health issues just like women. So if a woman was reporting she had changed and now no longer wanted to do anything for her children and felt angry and irritable all the time - I would also suggest she see someone to assess her mental health.

It isn't an excuse. It is a factor that for about 20% of the population is in play at any given time and should be assessed when someone experiences significant changes in their mood or thoughts or behaviour.

There are plenty of others posts that would just tell her he is an asshole and to leave him. You can be upset that I introduced the idea of mental health in men to the conversation but your resistance to the possibility doesn't in any way chance the reality that mental health issues also affect men's moods and thoughts and behaviours.

category12 · 25/03/2023 12:12

I think cherchez la femme - he's deliberately picking fights and turning everything around on you.

You were nice and supportive and he was vile, to push you away and create a narrative of how awful you are.

Either he's run mad or he's cheating again, I'd put my money on the latter.

Dicktimsabound · 25/03/2023 12:19

His attitude is due to guilt and he's projecting, blaming you.

Sadly suspect he's cheating again.

You need to get ducks in a row and leave him.

He won't change.

You and your children deserve better.

Sorry OP x

alwayslearning789 · 25/03/2023 13:24

"I gave up work when I had our 2 year old and was about to go back when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 3rd who I adore and do not regret. He's told me if he knew it would be like this he wouldn't of had her. I don't even recognise him any more."

I think this is the crux of the matter. He's blaming you even though he is 50% of the equation

Get your ducks in a row and prepare to be self sufficient.

Deathbyfluffy · 25/03/2023 13:28

JoanThursday1972 · 25/03/2023 12:03

What's all this about asking men to "help" with the children they've created? Aren't children a joint responsibility? Some men just aren't parent material.

A friend of mine (a man) had to frequently ask his wife to help with their kids - he was a SAHD and she was a high earner.
It’s far from a gender-specific issue

Greenfairydust · 25/03/2023 13:43

Depression is never an excuse to be verbally abusive towards your partner or to avoid parental responsibilities.

It sounds like your relationship is over and is trying to blame you/push you into doing the first move rather than admit that he is no longer invested.

Personally I would not put up with these insults and would tell him to leave.

@musingsinmidlife

''Men also experience mental health issues just like women. So if a woman was reporting she had changed and now no longer wanted to do anything for her children and felt angry and irritable all the time - I would also suggest she see someone to assess her mental health.It isn't an excuse. It is a factor that for about 20% of the population is in play at any given time and should be assessed when someone experiences significant changes in their mood or thoughts or behaviour. There are plenty of others posts that would just tell her he is an asshole and to leave him. You can be upset that I introduced the idea of mental health in men to the conversation but your resistance to the possibility doesn't in any way chance the reality that mental health issues also affect men's moods and thoughts and behaviours.''

But equally it is not up to the OP to sort out her partner's mental health issues, if he is truly depressed.

She took the step of trying to discuss this very issue with him. He responded by being verbally abusive.

There is a responsibility as well on the person who is experiencing mental health issues to admit they have a problem and to want to actively seek support.

It is never acceptable to just expect people around you to put up with abusive behaviour because you are depressed while you do nothing to improve the situation.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 13:52

Greenfairydust · 25/03/2023 13:43

Depression is never an excuse to be verbally abusive towards your partner or to avoid parental responsibilities.

It sounds like your relationship is over and is trying to blame you/push you into doing the first move rather than admit that he is no longer invested.

Personally I would not put up with these insults and would tell him to leave.

@musingsinmidlife

''Men also experience mental health issues just like women. So if a woman was reporting she had changed and now no longer wanted to do anything for her children and felt angry and irritable all the time - I would also suggest she see someone to assess her mental health.It isn't an excuse. It is a factor that for about 20% of the population is in play at any given time and should be assessed when someone experiences significant changes in their mood or thoughts or behaviour. There are plenty of others posts that would just tell her he is an asshole and to leave him. You can be upset that I introduced the idea of mental health in men to the conversation but your resistance to the possibility doesn't in any way chance the reality that mental health issues also affect men's moods and thoughts and behaviours.''

But equally it is not up to the OP to sort out her partner's mental health issues, if he is truly depressed.

She took the step of trying to discuss this very issue with him. He responded by being verbally abusive.

There is a responsibility as well on the person who is experiencing mental health issues to admit they have a problem and to want to actively seek support.

It is never acceptable to just expect people around you to put up with abusive behaviour because you are depressed while you do nothing to improve the situation.

I don’t think anyone said it was her responsibility or that she needs to fix him. . I certainly didn’t.

He isn’t on here posting so my comments were directed to the OP but I didn’t put the responsibility on her.

As I said if it was the OP posting about changes and feeling angry and saying unkind things and not wanting to be around her kids, I would also suggest she see her GP. I wouldn’t just call her an evil bitch and a waste of space and tell her that her husband should ditch her immediately.

InBedBy10 · 25/03/2023 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Except I didn’t encourage her to stay in an abusive relationship so making up nonsense to try and attack someone is just stupid. If you want to argue that me don’t have mental health issues then that is relevant to my post but otherwise you just look stupid for arguing something I didn’t say and that you made up.

Lizzt2007 · 25/03/2023 14:23

InBedBy10 · 25/03/2023 12:04

Here we go, theres always one trying to excuse a man acting like a dickhead by blaming depression 🙄

I had severe PND and I still looked after my children and didn't treat my partner like shit. Even if he is depressed (I don't think he is) it's not OPs job to cure his depression. He needs to seek help for himself. Too many women stay in shit relationships because "God love him, he's depressed and I'm being a bitch to expect him to treat me like a human being when he's sad". I bet he doesn't speak to his friends or relatives the way he speaks to you.

OP the way he spoke to you is not OK. The way he refused to look after HIS children is not OK.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Either things change or it's over. By the sounds of it your a single mother anyway.

Show quote history

And this is why the suicide rate for men is skyrocketing. They can't possibly be suffering mental health problems they just must be a dickhead/arsehole/insert other abusive derogatory name here.

category12 · 25/03/2023 14:31

We've actually got zero evidence that this man is depressed.

It's been thrown around as a theory for his change in behaviour, but he has previously acted this way and at that time he was having an affair.

I find it pretty odd that people run round trying to find excuses for the way he's acting without any basis at all for thinking his moodiness and nastiness is a MH problem.

Carlycat · 25/03/2023 14:32

Have my first MN LTB. He sounds vile

KirstenBlest · 25/03/2023 14:33

We've actually got zero evidence that this man is depressed.
... previously acted this way and at that time he was having an affair.

This.

strawberry2017 · 25/03/2023 14:35

I agree with the posters who have said he's having an affair. It really sounds like he's trying to make you the scapegoat here so he can justify his vile behaviour.
Don't pander to his shitty behaviour. Get your ducks in a row, prioritise you and the kids and get support in real life. Good luck Op x

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 14:50

A lot of people on here seem completely unaware of how depression can present. It doesn't always mean crying and sad. Tme symptoms of depression can include mood changes (angry and irritable, numb and empty, sad and tearful) as well as changes with sleep, appetite, self concept / identity, energy, guilt, loss of concentration, loss of interest and pleasure, reduced psychomotor activity. OP said

....he was the kindest loveliest man I knew. He was a great dad and a great partner....

....because he has all of a sudden told me he "can't do it". He's been quite angry lately and has short patience so it didn't surprise me. He's usually great with the older two but does nothing round the home as he "has a full time job".

He refused to get out of bed tonight....

These can be signs of depression. I suggested he see a GP and screen for depression before OP posted that he had cheated. Everyone has mental health and not everyone's mental health is always in a great state and sometimes that shows in how they feel, think, and act. That isn't some crazy out there belief nor does it excuse abuse or put the responsibility on the partner to fix it.

I don't think that every women or man who gets angry or loses energy or struggles to cope or whose mood changes and who isn't as engaged with the kids or is critical of their spouse can only ever be attributed to that person being an evil bitch or asshole and that the man or woman should just dump their husband or wife on the curb if they change and their moods and behaviour are different from before. Regardless of the hatred on here of the possibility of mental health and stress impacting on how people feel, think, and act, - it happens and it never hurts to have the person talk to a health care professional. You can continue to tell every poster to just leave the bastard or ditch the bitch if they change or aren't coping but for some of us, encouraging them to get help or see a health care provider is also a benefical option. You can hate all men and women who have anger and who have ever said something unkind to their spouse but at the end of the day, the person in the relationship has to decide if they want to jump immediately to DTB or LTB without exploring any other option first to understand the changes they see in their partner. Some husbands and wives might want to work through a period of poor mental health with their spouse who is struggling.

category12 · 25/03/2023 14:54

They're also symptoms he has demonstrated previously when having an affair 🙄

AhNowTed · 25/03/2023 15:40

Sorry OP. I'm also suspecting another affair.

supercali77 · 25/03/2023 16:41

The OP has already gently inquired about whether he's struggling to cope and got told to fuck off. There is unwell and then there is abusive language and noone should have to tolerate the latter. Also, as SO many posts have pointed out the OP never mentions him previously having depression but he has previously cheated and behaved in the same manner. Its not rocket science.

musingsinmidlife · 25/03/2023 17:22

supercali77 · 25/03/2023 16:41

The OP has already gently inquired about whether he's struggling to cope and got told to fuck off. There is unwell and then there is abusive language and noone should have to tolerate the latter. Also, as SO many posts have pointed out the OP never mentions him previously having depression but he has previously cheated and behaved in the same manner. Its not rocket science.

And my post that mentioned speaking to the GP that upset so many was before she said he had cheated and before she inquired. All I had said was that he had changed and it was worth having him talk to his GP as he could be experiencing a mental health issue and that made many people very, very angry. They only wanted responses early on that would call him names and are furious that I mentioned men and mental health in the same post. Stigma is alive and well with this thread is Exhibit A as to how many posters are so angry that before she mentioend anything about cheating or otherwise, I used the words mental health in a post. This board is pretty much the female MRA where instead of hating and blaming and name calling women for being women, they hate and blame and name call men for being men.

I don't really care that so many felt so angry that I used the words mental helath in a post about a man. They can continue to stew in their rage about that howewer since that rage at me and men and mental health isn't helping OP, this conversation has run its course.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 25/03/2023 17:42

Sadly I too fear that he is having another affair and he is deflecting his guilt by blowing up at you,@hellohelloyellow

You need to focus on the practicalities, i.e. get yourself in a position where you are able to leave him. I hope you have family support. Are you on the deeds of the house and is there enough equity to be able to rent a home for you and the children?

Sapphire387 · 25/03/2023 17:50

He sounds absolutely awful.

It's not love, you know, to leave you to struggle with two kids in the night while he sleeps through it.

Nor is it love to have an affair, or to call you names.

You may well love him- goodness knows why- but it doesn't sound like he loves you.

I am sorry but these are just not the actions of a loving husband.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/03/2023 17:53

It appears, for whatever reason, he doesn't like his life much nor anyone in it, you nor the children.
You've tried to have a normal sensible conversation with him and he's told you to fuck off..
Not sure where you feel you are able to go from here. The third child was a surprise you said but he was also responsible for this added stressor, you love the addition, him not so much it seems.
He's not helping you in any practical way at the moment but leaving is another kettle of fish with your youngsters.
Definitely time for decisions.

supercali77 · 25/03/2023 18:34

@musingsinmidlife Since you've seen the post re him telling her to fuck off and that he did the same when he was cheating before, do you think maybe this thread isn't the place to be making your point any more?

KirstenBlest · 25/03/2023 20:14

@musingsinmidlife , yes of course you're right, the poor chap is probably depressed, which makes it perfectly ok for him to duck out of family life and swear at his wife. The fact that he had an affair when DC2 was a baby, is irrelevant.

I think that you are unaware of how a partner having an affair can present.