Where is your ‘bar’ with men?

[Over40Overdating]

There have been a couple of threads recently where women have posted about awful things men have done and the responses have been split into ‘grim’ and ‘be kind’.

We obviously all have different relationships and standards but where is your bar for men and their behaviour, in and out of relationships?

I used to have such a low bar it was under the ground but thankfully getting better at raising it. Reading some of the threads on here make even my lowest bar seem high, at times.

How high is your bar? For people who need help raising theirs, what’s your advice?

And yes, men who are conspiracy nuts or spout Andrew Tate nonsense I'd never go near.

Yes! This! My one saving Grace is my bar was above that at least!!

I can only speak from limited experience as i have been with my husband for 30 years. In that 30 years, he has NEVER sworn at me. He provides well for us as a family, He has always shared the housework, the childcare etc
He is endlessly kind. Makes a fuss of me at birthdayszand anniversaries - is amazing at planning surprise trips.

Because we have been together so long, it all seems normal until i read some of the threads on here and i can't belive what some women put up with.

This is a great thread, I’m actually writing some of these down. Pondering the end of my almost 20 year marriage and where I currently am. I need to work on myself I think. Thank you to all those who contributed

Pretty fucking high!

I’m not what a lot of men would have as their ideal woman: I’m not good looking, I’m fat, I’ve got a good job and earn more than many men, I’m not a housewifie type, I’m not particularly feminine or what most men appear to be stereotypically looking for.

But; I still expect my partner to treat me well: to pull their weight at home, to contribute to the family finances: to be a partner and genuinely care about me, to be an adult and discuss issues rather than shouting etc.

ive been with DH around 20 years, and he does all of these things. With what I see in mn and in real life with some friends partners; if I was widowed or divorced: I don’t think I’d actually want to partner with anyone else

Gets higher the older I get.

I've had a long gap from Mumsnet, and what I have noticed is that there are more posters who are, for want of a better word, on the men's "side" when women post about difficult relationships. There are far more of the "oh, men don't see dirt" type posts than there used to be. Very depressing.

@CurlewKate this is what actually prompted me to start the thread. So many apologists for men who are lazy, complacent, rude, entitled or disrespectful lately. It’s made me very angry and determined not to let my bar ever get so low again.

Yes, far too many women have their bar too low.

What's worse, far too many women are attracted to the low bar. God knows why!

I've had a bit of counselling which made me see im codependent in the sense I do loads for others, wanting to be liked. I think that drips over into relationships and my bar was simply someone nice and I did tons for them whereas they didn't do much in return. However now I have set the bar higher, ive been single about a year and don't anticipate meeting anyone.

I guess I always thought if I set my bar higher, they wouldn't want me. Now I see that I don't actually care if they want me. I want me!

I think men rate looks and lack of children from previous as higher than she has a masters and fancy job like me.

Hahaaa men who are shallow and unintelligent like that wouldn't be capable of a worthwhile relationship anyway, so I doubt any successful, intelligent women are mourning them removing themselves from their dating pool!

What do you not like about him? And can you live with it? Forever? While he ages and his qualities concentrate like a sauce reducing on a low hob for years.

i don’t have a bar, it’s an ability to ignore that I need

Having entertained my EXDP by contorting myself to a point I didn't even recognise myself, and accepting his emotional abuse and sexiest behaviour until I could tolerate it no more, my bar is now pretty high.

I will only enter into another relationship if being with this new DP enhances my life in a positive way.

When I left my EXDP, I accepted that I may never have another romantic relationship m, given I have 2 DC (one with additional needs), a high level job, and very little time to myself.

Now, almost 2 years since I split with my EXDP, I've not met even one mane who I've thought it would be nice to have a romantic date with. No relationship is infinitely preferable to a very bad relationship, so I don't regret leaving for a second.

*sex pest, not sexiest!

Having recently dated after my ex

I can safely say whilst I raised the bar a bit

i could have raised it quite a bit higher !
way higher

especially in terms of emotional intelligence and communicating
and in wanting connection as well as intimacy

So more work to be done
and I remain confident I’ll find someone decent one day
no rush

Birds of a feather flock together, like tends to attract like.

My bar is so high now that I worry I'm bordering on avoidant - the idea of actually being with a man fills me with dread, but maybe that's because all my previous relationships have been utterly crap!

Where did you find this rare specimen and does he have any sons or cousins, asking for a friend 🙂

It's easier to stay in one's comfort zone and have that bar set low than raise your bar. However, if you stay within perimiters of that new high bar, it becomes your normal, and you get used to it.

Change, even if very positive, can be scary and stressful in the begging.

Yes, both friends and family don't have massive expectations out of you and you of them, so it's easier to be tolerant.

Well put 👍⚘

I am amazed on MN but also from friends in RL what they will accept!

I've been with DH for 14 years but my bar was always high and still is! I expect DH to work as a team with me, be kind, share childcare equally take responsibility for house duties etc. Some things like housework he's still a bit rubbish at but he does it!

For me it's about partnership and being a team each brings different things but it should be as close to equal as possible. They should also make you happy and want you to be happy in what you do from work to down time etc.

Lack of integrity and a mean sense of humour are really off-putting to me. Poor personal hygiene would be too

Same 👟 Take a shower, it's not your enemy 😅

Very high bar because I don't "need" a man so having a man needs to make my life better. If a man doesn't do that, then they're history.