Where is your ‘bar’ with men?

[Over40Overdating]

There have been a couple of threads recently where women have posted about awful things men have done and the responses have been split into ‘grim’ and ‘be kind’.

We obviously all have different relationships and standards but where is your bar for men and their behaviour, in and out of relationships?

I used to have such a low bar it was under the ground but thankfully getting better at raising it. Reading some of the threads on here make even my lowest bar seem high, at times.

How high is your bar? For people who need help raising theirs, what’s your advice?

To be fair there are a lot of things I would accept or wouldn’t care about from a friend that would not meet my bar for a relationship/partner. I do have friends who are messy or a bit chaotic. But they’re nice people and the fact that they leave wet towels on the floor and are disorganised doesn’t really affect me. From a partner it wouldn’t meet my standards. Same with a few different things.

I won’t put up with married men/liars/fakers/racists/sex pest. I try very hard to leave a positive afterglow, to radiate rather than drain. I would expect him to do the same. Also just calm and cheerful with nice eyes.

I have a friend who is a bit sleazy, wandering eye etc. happy to have him as a friend but wouldn't go near him intimacy wise.

Agree with others who say they have to actively improve my life. Due to MH issues I used to have a horribly low bar and put up with all sorts of disrespect. I’d always call it out, but the idiots I was dating back then would never try and improve, it would just be frequent arguments and me not being strong enough to walk away.

After several years of therapy and choosing to be single, I realised my life was pretty great - I didn’t need anyone and I was genuinely fine with the possibility of being single forever if the right man or woman didn’t cross my path. But by chance I met my current partner who really does enhance my life. I’d be absolutely fine if we split though, because I don’t need him, I want to be with him and it’s an active choice.

In general my non negotiables are the same values and desires from life, genuine understanding of and commitment to being anti prejudiced (must be feminist, not racist or homophobic etc) able to talk about emotions and do self analysis where necessary, shares chores equally (he actually does more than me) interest in the world and current affairs, funny, not a people pleaser, independent and retains a life outside of the relationship, animal lover, aligns closely enough with me that the relationship is seamless and minimal compromise is required. I made it clear from the start that I am my top priority - I don’t believe any relationship should hamper who I am as an individual and I want someone who feels similarly. I don’t think any of that is a lot to ask tbh - and I’ve found someone who ticks all the boxes

So high that a man is yet to achieve and maintain that achievement

My bar is high, but I had the privilege of growing up in a happy home with a strong mother and a kind, intelligent and socially aware father. I also had the privilege of being free to stay at my parents home for as long as I wanted, until I chose to move in with and then marry another good, kind and intelligent man. I was safe in the knowledge that if anything went wrong in my relationship and I was no longer safe or happy, then my parents' door was open. I had the education and support I needed to become and equal earner in my marriage, another important safety net. I would never tell another woman to raise her bar, or ask how she could sleep with such a man, as you hear so often on here, because I am very aware that I can afford for my own bar to be very high because of privilege.

In my 41 years I've realised many of us simply don't have one.

We have this perceived need to be loved by a man and to partner up.

I've just recently realised I've always been happier single and autonomous. A man has literally nothing to add to my life.

But for the purpose of family my advice is hash everything you want and need out BEFORE you start dating. Be honest about it and don't compromise on it. But practically no one does this and the results of that are laid barest on this site; absolute abject misery.

I can't see myself ever wanting a relationship again. But my bar now is a practically god-like individual who I couldn't live without, challenging, agreeable, both surpasses my intelligence and awes at mine.

Impossible and non-existent, thankfully. I can't wait to live the rest of my life alone :D

Mine was quite high, and I came to the realisation last year that I had been ground down by my partner over the years. He was charming, generous and loving when we met. He then moved in to mine became tight with money, messy, lazy in the extreme and didn’t want sex. We haven’t been intimate in 5 years, I am the breadwinner and do all the house work and life admin. It didn’t happen overnight and I made a lot of excuses for him (and he made a lot for himself)
we re in the process of separating now, but my point is I didn’t get together with a shit. He became one

I’m just out of a long marriage where I allowed the bar to be set way too low.

Now I think I can sum it up as “do I feel he treats me as his equal?”

Like others have said it's not just about choosing better men because they also get a say whether to pair up with you or not and for men they aren't necessarily looking for a mirror image of themselves. for example, I think men rate looks and lack of children from previous as higher than she has a masters and fancy job like me. Totally agree with getting your life sorted because top men also want top women and that's not necessarily just having what you want in a man, men want different things in a partner.

nah i dont know about that one

I have a very high bar. I am fricking awesome. I’m a decent human being, solvent, funny, smart, and kind (and also modest 😜). Why would I want a crappy, low grade, man? I have a great man who treats me very well, and is treated very well in return. I met him on OLD and I was ruthless about separating the wheat from the chaff on there. My advice is - know what you bring to the party - what your values are, who you are, and why you’re a great person to know. Understand that nobody is perfect. They don’t even have to be perfect for you, but know what’s a dealbreaker and what’s a normal irritation. My DP snores and I could do without that, and sometimes when he’s cooking he prefers to cook a frozen pizza or lasagne instead of a proper free cooked meal which I’d likely prefer, but he’s a great man and a wonderful human being. Nothing is too much trouble - he’s funny, kind, super smart, wise and affectionate, and he’s just happy to be there with me.

They try. If they have issues they try their best to fix it. They respect and care for you.

I’ve loved reading these responses.
It’s made me sad to think how low my bar was before and determined to raise it higher in future.

Some sound so simple and obvious - of course they should be happy for you and make your life better. But so often the opposite was true and it’s mad to think I’ve accepted that.

Thanks everyone!

My bar has changed and did over the years, but both in friendships and men it was always high.

I see no point in wasting time with people who aren't kind.

When I was young they needed to be cute, funny, respectful always...

As I grew older the sexual attraction was also very important with the above.

When I met my husband it was his kindness, decency, intelligence, integrity, respect for mankind, not just women, that also hugely appealed to me.
He has an excellent sense of humour and when 30+ years ago I discovered he shared my love of history, travel, good wine and food and .....Doris Day movies...inexplicably.....it really was game over😁.

Being kind when I was ill was a big marker.

Also at the 9 month mark some shit hit the fan in work and I was wrongly blamed for a fxxk up, fortunately it was quickly resolved but he was an absolute rock whilst I sorted it.

That actually was the moment where I realised he was likely a keeper.

Very nice and true

In terms of how to raise your bar: get to a place where you really really like yourself. Once that’s the case, you won’t want to damage or limit yourself with relationships which aren’t more enjoyable than the time you spend with yourself

Woefully low! I always thought I was on to a winner when I thought "have no expectations and you'll never be disappointed" of my man. After 20 years of abuse and an affair he still managed to disappoint even when I expected nothing from him!! Working on raising it sky high!

Yes 👏

I suppose they have to add value to your life and you to theirs.

It's this cool thing for mean to be like "cba" or act cool/cold towards women, but what does one actually have from that person whilst together?

It's also weird when there's game playing and competition whilst together. You're supposed to build something together, not engage in games of who's going to dominate.

Not to say I don't get lonely (I do) but I feel better on my own than with a man. I used to think it was cool to ignore someone being a jerk, but now I just call it out on the spot.

It's not my job to make the whole world happy, especially people who are disrespectful of me. I want to get along but at the same being nice 24/7 isn't any different than being a doormat. You shouldn't be nice to every single person in your life, someone deserves for you to smack him down while someone deserves affection and praise.

I've been with mine a long time now, but if I was single and there was the faintest whiff of misogyny, begging or conspiracy theories you wouldn't see me for dust.

Negging!

Someone once said to me, it is not possible for the quality of your life to be better than the quality of your partner. So if your partner is crap, hard work, brings drama, can't be arsed to make an effort (in whatever area, work, home, relationship). Then that's your lot. Your life will stay in the toilet because it is SO much easier to drag a person down, than to haul someone up.

I have a vision of a good life, if someone isn't supportive of that I just don't have any interest in them. On the other hand if a guy actually adds to my life or improves on what I am doing I'm all attention.

It's not conscious as such, but it starts with refusal to compromise and not waste my life trying to solve problems that shouldn't exist in the first place.

I live happily without a man, so for me to want to spend time with them, they have to add to my life. I could never have a relationship with anyone who expected me to be joined at the hip or wanted to decide when I could see family or friends, or who thought I was their mum so expected me to wash their clothes.

However, it seems that there has been a lot of change and that people are seeing that there are definitely hard times in relationships, and a lot of them aren't even worth it.

Or maybe it's me focusing on MN's horror stories rather than on success stories.

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox

That sounds wise, thanks for writing this xx