Where is your ‘bar’ with men?

[Over40Overdating]

There have been a couple of threads recently where women have posted about awful things men have done and the responses have been split into ‘grim’ and ‘be kind’.

We obviously all have different relationships and standards but where is your bar for men and their behaviour, in and out of relationships?

I used to have such a low bar it was under the ground but thankfully getting better at raising it. Reading some of the threads on here make even my lowest bar seem high, at times.

How high is your bar? For people who need help raising theirs, what’s your advice?

My litmus test with prospective partners is to ask myself if I am willing to introduce them to the most important people in my life. In my case, this is immediate family and close friends. If I hesitate and think that the person will not be well received, that is my line in the sand drawn.

Probably too high and set there as a protective mechanism. I'm getting really lonely lately though so I might need to drop it ever so slightly from "impossible" to "mortal"

I used to think my bar height was normal.

But after reading stuff on here it feels sky high.
It's staying sky high.

But I expect the same respect and behaviour from myself. It's not a hypocritical bar.

Massively high. I always would rather have remained single (permanently if necessary) than settle for the wrong man (which is almost all of them). Barely dated as a result of this. Married my second ever boyfriend age 32. 20 year wedding anniversary this year.

My advice? Realise that staying single would be infinitely preferable to being in a relationship with someone who is/has <insert massively long list of personality traits, attitudes, baggage, family situations, tastes etc>. It never ceases to astonish me that women will happily reject men on the grounds of hair colour, physique or fashion sense and yet agonise over whether to give another chance/date to men with gazillions of red flags or just general incompatibility.

Every time your date tells you something that isn't the ideal or would be a compromise remind yourself that you do not in fact owe somebody a chance, just because the thing did or said isn't awful or cannot be helped. You are allowed to stop seeing somebody and end a relationship for absolutely any reason you like, I've left men because of offhand comments they have made on situations, that I didn't agree with, others for having baggage with their ex etc. You don't need to justify or explain yourself to anybody, if its a good enough reason for YOU then it's a good enough reason. Even if its shallow, or society has told you that it's not good enough because they are otherwise a 'decent guy'.
If somebody does something you don't like but you still want to persue things then tell them straight, don't play games. If they do it again walk away you are worth way more than compromise. Realise early on that small things now will only grow or become seeds of resentment. People don't change, well not much, you aren't going to soften his edges or bring out the best in him.

I think this is quite a difficult question. I got together with DH when I was late 20s, so much more tolerant I think now in my early 40s I would have a much 'higher' bar. I think this is because I know what I want - and what I don't want. Some of the things that I thought were annoying but tolerable, would now be dealbreakers

Without actual examples, this is pretty pointless.
I’m sure many think they have high bar.
Someone’s high bar could be that absolutely no violence, where as to other woman that would be obvious bare minimum.
Biggest red flag a man could have is watching porn, that just shows their attitude towards women and it’s a no-go for me. Been told this is crazy and I’ll never find a man.
To which I say better to be alone, than with a such a misogynistic, no loss there.
Saying one has high bar really doesn’t mean anything.
And doesn’t help someone who may have low(er) bar to figure out how to raise it.

That being said, pp - who said how men talk about other women, even if they don’t fit male gaze, is really good.
This is also what I’ve been using, and it’s crazy how many men that one alone eliminates.

I think my bar is now almost impossibly high. Decades spent working almost solely with men and seeing and hearing what they do and what they really think about women has been horribly eye opening and has coloured my view. I have friends in different but similarly male dominated professions and they feel the same. I’m married and plan to stay that way, but if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t bother again!

I love this and have to agree 100%

I grew up with a people-pleasing mother who tiptoed around my Dad. I accepted anything in relationships and paid for quite a bit of therapy because I was attracted to broken men, like my own father. So for me it’s refusing to be any sort of rescuer or re-parenting someone. Men with unresolved parent issues are a red flag.

I don't think the height of the bar is important so much as whether the bar is right for you.

I'm amazed at some of the terrible relationships I read about here, mostly because there seems to be such gigantic fundamental incompatibility that I have no idea how they lasted two dates let alone got all the way to marriage and kids.

My bar has always been: does this man enhance my life? I have a great life, great social circles and am very happy in my own company. The only reason I added DP to that is because overall, he makes my life even better.

The specifics of the bar don't matter. A lot of threads fixate on things like romantic treats, being made a fuss of, expensive gifts, Valentine's Day - I don't get that (nor do I give it), but I don't want it. I "accepted" early dates such as home-cooked meals and the dreaded walk in the park, not because my bar is low, but because I actually wanted those things myself.

Pretty sure DP could be accused of having a low bar too - a slatternly woman who doesn't cook, barely cleans and is still holding on to her party days and acting like she's in her 20s? But he seems happy with that bar. We both bring a lot else to the table than those surface things.

I had a preferred list & my current partner has a lot on that list & more !

However, nobody is perfect & that includes myself

There’s loads of things DH does that posted in isolation would probably not meet MN standards.

He definitely clears my bar though, which is - honest, loyal, hardworking, 50/50 parent, never jealous or controlling, builds me up rather than puts me down, gets on with my family and friends and is generally decent, kind and polite.

At the time we met; ‘wanted children within the next couple of years’ and ‘wanted a relationship and didn’t dick about or play games’ were up there too - which he very much ticked. He made time for me, arranged dates, called when he said he would, showed up when he said he would, never quibbled over the exact definition of whether we were dating/ seeing each other/ in a relationship and how much leeway to be a twat each of the different labels might give him.

Never once referred to any crazy exes.

Liked women - spoke well of his female friends, family and colleagues and never in a sleazy or patronising way.

A healthy respect for sexual boundaries....

Am married so don't have to deal with hazards of dating but would have zero tolerance for unsolicited dick pics, unsolicited explicit talk, coercion, sulking and any sort the manipulative 'player' behaviour. (Admittedly didn't always have such robust boundaries. Have a stronger sense of self worth now.)

My bar for men is really very insanely high. Basically, if they impact my life in any way to make it more difficult or less pleasant than it is by myself, they wouldn’t meet my standard. And I’m the type of person who is very happy in my own company, so it’s a very high bar. Even small niggly things would irritate me. I want to live in a calm, clean, organised home. Anyone who impacts that negatively just wouldn’t meet my standards.

There's no separate bar for men/relationships, for me.

If you make me feel like crap, and it's not just a one-off mistake that you're sorry for, you're out of my life. Hurt me once; silly you. Hurt me twice; silly me.

I won't even put up with sleazing on womens photos or eyeing them up. Thinking prostitution is okay (not doing it himself), thinking big age gaps are okay. Any sniff of sleazy behaviour then I'm gone.

This has been on my mind since I read it yesterday. Such a good point, and yet I've never heard it put that way before.

Honestly, if something happens to DH and I end up back on the market, I'd now only accept someone who actually wants me to be happy.

Exactly. If they make even one aspect of life annoying - or worse, stressful or unhappy - then it's not worth it. If you've taken the time to build a full life for yourself where you are happy, and emotionally and financially self-sufficient, then you have no need or a partner. In fact I would view it as giving up a lot of my precious time for them so they would have to really, really impress me in every way to make it worthwhile. The moment it becames a hassle or irritating or there was any sign of disrespect or neediness or immaturity or it simply wasn't preferable to spending my time alone/ with family/ with friends then it would cease to be worth bothering with.

I'm constantly amazed at how many people seem to put up with bad relationships. Not just the miserable ones, but just the pointless ones that don't really add anything discernible to their lives based on what they say. It's as though they think they should be in a relationship like it's some kind of goal in itself, or perhaps are scared of being single for some reason, so they carry on with it even though it's not making them happy and there's little joy in it. I find that very odd. To me it would only be worth sacrificing so much emotional energy and time to one person if there was a very significant benefit to that in terms of their company massively improving my life consistently and without drawbacks that I wouldn't have from spending that time with other people that I love instead.

Excuse typos!

My bar?
Someone who shows me 100% respect and doesn't treat me as if I'm below him.
Respects my opinions and my views.

Especially considering I work part time on a low wage looking after our daughter while he works in the big, important job.

The amount of blokes on here who expect their wives to do absolutely everything disgusts me.

I dont really like the idea of a bar as such
surely everybody in your life should treat you with respect, be a shoulder to cry on when needed, celebrate your wins in life, commiserate when things so south.

A relationship is an extension of this. If you wont tolerate a crap friend why would you tolerate a crap partner? When it comes to relationships one persons deal breaker is another’s not bothered so the idea of a bar is less useful

My dad is a very angry,aggressive man.
So I would never be in a relationship with an angry, shouty, brooding man.
Actually I run from cocky men as well.