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Original poster

Anal penetration with no warning. Help!

52 replies

CatMum96 · 23/03/2023 09:04

My husband and I have been discussing the topic of anal sex for a while. He's eager and I'm cautious but curious.

I've made it clear we need to work up to it, so we brought a small plug.

Last night we were having sex and he asked if he could get the plug. I said yes. He disappeared off to get it and the lube. He was (I assumed) lubing it up.

The next thing I knew He'd inserted his penis into me, not the plug! He got a good 4/5 inches and the pain was unbearable, I genuinely didn't know what had happened!

He told me to "take my time" but I told him it hurt and moved away up the bed. He was visibly disappointed. He told me he just wanted to surprise me as we'd been discussing the POSSIBILITY of anal. I ended the session then and there and he asked if u forgave him. He hasn't brought it up again but idk how to feel about it. And it's playing in my mind.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 23/03/2023 09:09

That is assault and he needs to be made aware of what he has done, this is not OK at all, ever.
I'm so sorry op.

Nap1983 · 23/03/2023 09:10

Sorry… what… that’s rape. It’s not ok because it’s your husband. He never asked as he knew you’d say no

IHateLegDay · 23/03/2023 09:10

He raped you.

You didn't consent to that and he did it anyway with no warning, without any clue how much damage anal sex can cause when not properly prepared.

I honestly couldn't forgive this.

Xrays · 23/03/2023 09:11

That is horrific. You didn’t consent to that, it’s rape.

Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2023 09:11

Surprising someone is bringing a bunch of flowers home or similar.
What he did was sexual assault

SBHon · 23/03/2023 09:11

‘Surprising’ someone by inserting anything into their vagina or anus is rape. He assaulted you. I couldn’t forgive that.

BaroldFromEastenders · 23/03/2023 09:11

This is definitely not ok and you don’t have to forgive him. Anal sex would be off the table forever - how can you trust him not to give it another go at sexually assaulting you?

Id be wary of any sort of sexual contact with him again unless he can work to regain your trust. has he ever done anything like this in the past? Pushed a boundary? Ignored what you’d said?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/03/2023 09:13

That would be the end of my marriage. He knew exactly what he was doing.

IamSarah · 23/03/2023 09:13

You have been raped my lovely Flowers

Is there a friend or relative you can speak about this with IRL?

tribpot · 23/03/2023 09:13

Do you need medical attention, OP? I would get yourself checked out as a matter of urgency.

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 09:14

My ex did this to me and I was in pain for about a month.

Note he is an ex.

Tiswa · 23/03/2023 09:14

You need to have a very hard conversation about his. How this is assault (technically rape) and how it is never ok to do something like this. That you made your boundaries very clear on how you wanted to proceed and he overruled them caused you unbearable pain and then was disappointed

yiu need time and for him to understand what he did and that it wasn’t ok

ToBeOrNotToBee · 23/03/2023 09:14

He raped you.

Nap1983 · 23/03/2023 09:15

I’m no normally a LTB type but seriously. I
also not against Anal. However without even a “can I” or “is it ok” he is so so far over the line..,

User13579367337 · 23/03/2023 09:15

’Surprising’ someone by shoving their cock up their arse is called rape. He knew you didn’t want him to do it, which is why he didn’t tell you. He’s literally just sodomised you. How would he feel if you waited until he fell asleep and then you ‘surprised’ him by ramming a dildo up his arse?

TheHouseNextDoor · 23/03/2023 09:15

He sexually assaulted you. It would be the end of a relationship if this happened to me.

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/03/2023 09:16

The first person I ever slept with did this. It has taken me years to get passed it and it isn't a surprise, it's changing the terms of your consent and is rape.

NotJohnWick · 23/03/2023 09:17

Tiswa · 23/03/2023 09:14

You need to have a very hard conversation about his. How this is assault (technically rape) and how it is never ok to do something like this. That you made your boundaries very clear on how you wanted to proceed and he overruled them caused you unbearable pain and then was disappointed

yiu need time and for him to understand what he did and that it wasn’t ok

Not 'technically' raped. Raped.

ShandaLear · 23/03/2023 09:17

WTF did I just read? Oh honey, you did not consent to that. He deceived you and he raped you. He knew when he was doing and he did it without asking if it was what you wanted.

3littlebeans · 23/03/2023 09:18

Oh I'm so sorry he did this to you 😔.

How long have you been together? Has he done other things that seem off or first time?

I certainly wouldn't let him touch you sexually again without a heck load of marriage counselling (If you want to stay with him). Please don't just brush it under the carpet.

Whiteroomjoy · 23/03/2023 09:18

Hmm, you didn’t consent to him doing that. It’s rape. Given statistics it’s unlikely that he’d be prosecuted , but it is nonetheless less what happened

I would be concerned that he doesn’t know what consent and rape is. I’d be bloody concerned that if he ever penetrated me again vaginally or anally, he appears not to understand how much physical damage and pain he can inflict .

I sometimes think men just don’t get that there’s a massive difference between being penetrated and penetrating and they don’t think about what a vulnerable position it is physically. He clearly has no clue, and has been too self centred to ever once contemplate this.

I would, at least, ask him how he would feel both physically and mentally if a man, without consent or warning , penetrated his anus, in other words annually raped him? Then ask how he expects you to feel about him anally raping you?

depending on his answer, you will need to decide. If he minimises it, walk away asap. He will never ever understand about consent or your needs and feelings in all aspects of your relationship if he doesn’t get it for such a vulnerable and intimate act

Ihavekids · 23/03/2023 09:19

What a fucking idiot he is. He had an up for it wife wanting to take it slowly, had he acted in a loving manner maybe you'd both be now into anal. Instead he raped you.
I don't know how I'd get past the utter stupidity tbh.

Username721 · 23/03/2023 09:21

Yeah I bet he hasn’t brought it up again.

This is playing on your mind because you know how serious what he’s done is. He knew you’d say no and done it anyway.

Hope you’re ok.

if you’re in England or Wales:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/

Scotland:

https://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/

SARCs

If you’ve recently experienced sexual violence, a Sexual Assault Referral Centre can offer you different kinds of confidential support. Find out more here.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/

Greensleevevssnotnose · 23/03/2023 09:22

This is awful. I have had a few partners that like this and to be honest I quite like it too, but it is something you talk about, take precautions for and take slowly at first, just like you wanted to do. It's not something you foist in someone unprepared. I could never trust him again and would leave personally

MistyFrequencies · 23/03/2023 09:28

He anally raped you. I think you need to speak to someone in real life, consider medical assessment and your options around leaving him.