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Original poster

Anal penetration with no warning. Help!

52 replies

CatMum96 · 23/03/2023 09:04

My husband and I have been discussing the topic of anal sex for a while. He's eager and I'm cautious but curious.

I've made it clear we need to work up to it, so we brought a small plug.

Last night we were having sex and he asked if he could get the plug. I said yes. He disappeared off to get it and the lube. He was (I assumed) lubing it up.

The next thing I knew He'd inserted his penis into me, not the plug! He got a good 4/5 inches and the pain was unbearable, I genuinely didn't know what had happened!

He told me to "take my time" but I told him it hurt and moved away up the bed. He was visibly disappointed. He told me he just wanted to surprise me as we'd been discussing the POSSIBILITY of anal. I ended the session then and there and he asked if u forgave him. He hasn't brought it up again but idk how to feel about it. And it's playing in my mind.

OP posts:
ChocSaltyBalls · 23/03/2023 09:29

It is rape and a gross breach of trust.

I’m sorry that this happened to you x

Deathraystare · 23/03/2023 09:32

Just before you leave the rapist shove something like a plumbers mate or the handle of a bog brush up his arse!

TokyoStories · 23/03/2023 09:34

I’ve had three men do this to me, i.e. rape. The pain is excruciating. I’m so sorry. They are very much aware of how much it will hurt (Imagine ‘surprising’ them with a dildo up their arse), they know exactly what they’re doing but they don’t care. It’s all about them and their sexual gratification. It disgusts me.

Redebs · 23/03/2023 09:34

Horrible situation.

A lot of media promotes the idea that anal penetration is going to be welcomed as a nice surprise and that women will be ok if the man just goes ahead a la Walter White.

If your husband accepts that it was an awful thing to do and it's not going to happen again, then ok. He understands the reality.

But you might find that it difficult to trust that he's not going to try again and 'accidentally' lose his way in the heat of the moment.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/03/2023 09:37

This happened to me years ago when I was dating a nice boyfriend, having sex from behind but lying down, I think with me he genuinely made a mistake as it was straight in and straight out (after the vaginal sex) and we stopped and he apologised immediately afterwards.

My ex fiancé a few years before had wanted me to try anal which I reluctantly agreed to and lasted maybe 5 minutes before I said I didn’t like it and never did it again!

With you it’s definitely rape which I’d leave him for and speak to someone about.

LookingOldTheseDays · 23/03/2023 09:39

This is rape. I'm sorry that someone you should have been able to trust did this to you.

Would you feel comfortable talking to rape crisis? They are incredibly helpful.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 23/03/2023 09:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HappinesDependsOnYou · 23/03/2023 09:41

No idea why my phone posted that. I've reported it. Seems Samsung can't be used with mn anymore as I have nothing but issues with it now

noimaginationforausername · 23/03/2023 09:44

I'm so sorry this happened and with someone who you love and should be able to trust. Anal sex is a big deal and it needs complete trust and understanding which he has just ruined, if you don't leave him then I'd never ever try it with him again because he has shown how much he doesn't give a shit and how much it's just all about him.

If you have any pain please get checked out.

Flowers
N27 · 23/03/2023 09:53

I’m so sorry this has happened. I’m absolutely outraged on your behalf at how he can have ever thought this was even remotely acceptable.

you have consent to one thing (and even then with some hesitation and nervousness) and he went ahead and did entirely another thing with no thought whatsoever for you.

for me, i would be looking him straight in the eye and calling it what it is - he raped you. He forced a sexual activity on you that you did not want and did not consent to.

I would be going nowhere near him again and asking him to leave the house asap while you decide what to do next. Whatever you decide, even if you don’t think you will leave him, he needs to be under no illusion right now about how serious his actions were.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/03/2023 10:07

I sometimes think men just don’t get that there’s a massive difference between being penetrated and penetrating and they don’t think about what a vulnerable position it is physically. He clearly has no clue, and has been too self centred to ever once contemplate this

Oh they do get it,they just don't care.

Aussiegirl123456 · 23/03/2023 10:30

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Goodness :(

traytablestowed · 23/03/2023 10:33

What the actual F did I just read. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You say he asked if you forgave him immediately afterwards - did he seem sorry? Do you feel like he hasn't brought it up since because he's feeling ashamed, or because he doesn't think it's a big deal that should be addressed? If it's the latter then honestly he is a dangerous person and you should seriously consider if you want to stay with him. If it's the former, you should still consider if you want to stay in the relationship, but at least if he is ashamed then he presumably realises how wrong what he did was. How you choose to move forward from that is completely up to you. I'm not sure I could forgive this to be honest.

Again, so sorry this happened. Hope you have some support around you.

Spottycarousel · 23/03/2023 10:42

This is really awful. Your h must be aware now how horrifically out of order he was. You didn't consent to anal sex so he raped you. I'm so sorry this happened.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 10:47

Your thread title "anal penetration with no warning" needs to read "anal penetration with no consent" OP.

Your H should have been horrified at himself, & concerned about the pain he caused you.

Instead of that, he looked disappointed & demanded instant forgiveness.

I am really sorry that he did this to you, & does not seem to understand the gravity of his actions.

CalpolDependant · 23/03/2023 11:13

This is rape, OP. I’m so sorry he hurt you. 🌸

SimoneSimone · 23/03/2023 11:32

Give him a surprise taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it! On a serious note, he needs to be ex'd.

Mom2K · 23/03/2023 13:17

I wouldn't be able to get past this, it's 100% rape and I would never be able to trust him again during sex.

How would he feel if you waited until he fell asleep and then you ‘surprised’ him by ramming a dildo up his arse?

Anal is not something I have ever been interested in even exploring, which I would be absolutely clear about with any partner...but if I had been willing to consider it, this would be an absolute requirement for me. The anus is not designed or meant for sex...if a partner was trying to sell me on it then they would have to be willing to try it on their body first with a dildo. If they found it painful, uncomfortable, unenjoyable - end of the conversation. If they happen to like it bit I still don't want to, it's still the end of that conversation.

OP I'm so sorry your DH did that to you. It really is unforgivable IMO. He is utterly selfish and stupid to have any justification for this in his mind and to not understand that it is rape.

Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 13:21

Fucking hell I hope you're OK OP. Do you have any real life support?

Shoxfordian · 23/03/2023 13:26

He raped you; I’m so sorry that happened to you

Call rape crisis and get some real life support

billy1966 · 23/03/2023 14:59

You poor woman.

Your husband has anally raped you.

Of course you must be in shock.

Please ring Women's aid and the Rape Crisis helpline who will confirm to you how serious an assault this is.

Take your time and decide do you wish to go to the police.

You need to make it abundantly clear to him that he has raped you and that you are fully aware of that.

I'm so sorry.

Good men do not suprise their wife with anal rape.

You poor woman.

Please seek medical attention.

perfectcolourfound · 23/03/2023 15:08

Oh bless you @CatMum96 that must have been a frightening, painful, shocking experience.

And your DH, the man who's meant to love you most, did it to you. He knew you weren't ready yet he did it anyway. He knew you weren't sure but he went ahead anyway. There's no 'grey area' here - he raped you. He knew he didn't have consent but he went ahead and did something that he knew was a big deal and you weren't sure about.

How can you trust him again?

I would report him to the Police, and get yourself checked out too. I would certainly leave him.

Is this the only way he's mistreated you? I suspect there may be other ways that he overrules you/ disrespects you / does as he likes, in other areas of life?

Sending you strength.

BishopRock · 23/03/2023 20:34

This is awful OP. He's raped you.

This kind of sexual assault would be the end of the relationship for me, and I love anal. (Not done like this.)

What he's done is horrific.

FictionalCharacter · 23/03/2023 22:17

He raped you. Please call rape crisis and get a medical examination.

Opentooffers · 23/03/2023 23:13

He may realise the seriousness of what he has done if you show him the posts. It's unanimous. No argument.