18 years and I can't stop thinking about him. Help.

[Auror81]

Here is my situation.18 years ago in my early 20s I had an absolutely mad crush on someone. I have never felt this way about anyone before or since. He was in the early days of a relationship with someone else. I had just left a long term relationship and was single. I made it my mission to get with him, and I did. He was interested in me of course, the thrill of someone liking him I guess, he had 2 seperate nights with me, then got caught by his girlfriend. Since then, over the last 18 years, we both married other people and had children. He is still with the same woman. I guess one of my questions is - of course I know it's lust/sexual attraction but as it's still going on 18 years later I wonder if it's more/meant to be more. I don't think there have been many days at all, if any, that I haven't thought/dreamt/fantasized about him over the last 18 years. How bad is that? Need to add, I am in fact unhappily married and we are on our last legs due to me being married to a nasty narcissist. So there is a real possibility of me being single again soon in the near future. Anyway. We still live in the same town. When we drive past each other there is always eye contact. We always seem to drive past each other on the same two roads (different times/days) with no connection to routine. Anyway, I was thinking to myself recently, surely if I put this much thought into him, intentionally or not, over 18 years, surely he can FEEL it. Surely I pop into his thoughts too. We had some memorable exciting times trust me. Then, I had a dream, where people were coming to me and telling me, shouting at me “Aurora! He loves you too! He feels the same way! He loves you too!” Ok yes this sounds a bit crazy. My feelings for him were suddenly heightened. I got ready and had a good hair day and all looked well (for a change) and I went out hoping I'd bump into him/dreaming I'd bump into him. Considering I could go almost a year without this happening sometimes..guess what… I did!!! He was with her and she had her back to me. He couldn't take his eyes off me for at least 10 seconds, from me walking up to him and past him (obviously didn't speak) and I sure as hell didn't break that eye contact for 1 second. A real moment. Since then I'm really contemplating my future. Spiritually/practically whatever. What are your opinions? Surely this means something? What does it mean? I feel it's a love like no other although it's not realistic love. There is no describing the way I feel about him.

I suppose I think that now I'm into my 40s it's not "normal" to feel this way and therefore does this "mean" something? I'm thinking it's not a teenage crush anymore?

Hmmm it’s a tough one.

Why didn’t you say hello to him?

I'm curious as I have 1 more year in the same country as my crush of more than 25yrs (I am happily married though). I never thought we would ever live in the same country so the fact that he is twenty miles away blows my mind.

Anyway. I feel for you.

It "means" you still have a crush on him. That's it.

He's in a relationship. You're barely out of one. Neither of these actual facts suggest a relationship of any sort is in any way advisable

There's no cosmic fate here.

Can’t help but wonder how it would feel to be her, facing him, not knowing he’s staring at someone behind her back.

that bothers me about his character. Sorry, OP, I can’t think a straying man is anything but unattractive.

No, it’s not meant to be more.

He was only in the early days with his girlfriend when you and he slept together. If it were meant to be, he would have finished with her and got together with you. This man is not available to you. You have built him up into a fantasy as an escape from your unhappy relationship. But he isn’t for you. He married his then girlfriend and they have children. If you were to get with him, you would know anyway that he’s completely untrustworthy. You’re not star-crossed lovers. And he is not available.

The fact that you’re hankering after him 18 years later just shows a lack of emotional maturity. We’re not meant to waste our lives that way pining for someone. It stops you engaging with the present - the life you could be living. You need to rescue yourself, not wait to be rescued. Spend some time single. You say your H was a narcissist. Now you want to embroil yourself with someone who didn’t want you 18 years ago and isn’t available now. That love you’re hankering after - you’re going to have to give it to yourself. Get free of your marriage. Get busy and interested in yourself and in your own life. Leave this guy behind.

you are projecting and fantasying. No matter your age this is not healthy

I felt like this about Robbie Williams. I did eventually see him in a coffee shop. He seemed fairly non plussed by seeing me. Very disappointing,

This, babe. All this.
You are sounding stalkerish. Stop now. Leave the man alone and work on a plan to develop independence and explore yourself

Referring to @Dery's post

im sorry op I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I could really be wrong here but this is what I think . It’s not him your craving it’s the feeling you felt when you was with him etc . Even if u went back to him you may not get that feeling again as it’s been 18 years . You’re unhappy in your marriage which is why you’re feeling and thinking of him , you want that feeling again . I don’t think he’s necessarily thinking of you as why hasn’t he came and found you after 18 years so no I don’t think it’s more, it’s just a fantasy . If he’s married seriously don’t go after a married man , and if he’s looking at you while he’s wife has his back turned he’s gonna do the same to you .. leave your marriage if that’s what you want , maybe have counselling and focus on yourself

It’s all fantasy. You’ve built up the fantasy in your head based on a couple of shags when you were young. For all you know he’s staring at you wondering why the hell this strange woman keeps staring at him. If he recognised you he’d probably say hi but he doesn’t. That means either he’s a dickhead and deliberately ignoring you and wishing you’d go away or he has no clue who you are. You might be freaking him out and the eye contact is less star crossed lovers and more I see you crazy stalker woman and. I’m not afraid if you.

Youre projecting your longing and desires most likely due to being in a shit relationship. There’s nothing wrong with having a crush but sometimes the best thing is to stop kidding yourself it’s anything more than that. This will only lead to you getting hurt. He doesn’t fancy you, it sounds like
he doesnt even know you.

also keep your eyes on the road not on the eyes of passing drivers that’s irresponsible

It sounds like you are in an unhappy marriage and would jump at the chance to have a fling with this guy. But since he's married you have to try to convince yourself that it's some kind of cosmic-meant-to-be-fated fantasy to make it seem more palatable.

I think you should stop kidding yourself that this is anything other than a distraction and figure out whether or not your marriage is worth saving. Interfering in someone else's relationship isn't going to improve your situation at all and frankly is just a selfish and nasty thing to do.

Bottom line: Stop the schoolgirl fantasies and face your reality. A therapist might be helpful. Getting involved with a married man is a terrible idea and will not end well.

So you feel like interfering in another of his relationships havent you got anything better to do, grow up and stop dreaming of fantasy. And he was no better cheating those years ago either and your no better doing it while he has someone. On the other hand maybe you deserve each other making eyes at each other behind his wife's back.

What are your opinions? Surely this means something? What does it mean?

My opinion is that this means you have zero morals, deliberately trying to work your way in to sleeping with a married man. Bloody hell.

You sound like a bunny boiler and it doesn't say much about your character that you want to ruin another relationship (this time an actual marriage plus your own marriage). He used you for sex and an ego boost - if he'd have been truly interested in you he would have broken it off with his girlfriend first to be with you and would never have left your side since.

If he'd have felt the same way as you do believe me you'd have known about it. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to be a better person. It's sad that you're not bothered about upsetting people.

I dated/slept with a few guys I was obsessed with back in the day and the fantasy is better than the reality. Just because you're obsessed with them absolutely doesn't mean they're obsessed with you.

Based on what you've written, you really need to leave your husband and then be single for a while rather than seeking more toxicity.

I think you're projecting and fantasising as a means of escapism from your very difficult marriage. Totally understandable.

I think when you are rid of your husband you'll be happier with your life, and won't have any more need to keep this man (who is long gone in any romantic sense) on a pedestal.

You thinking about someone a lot doesn't mean anything and he certainly can't "feel it", as another poster has pointed out he is not available to you. He has given you zero indication of being interested. Do not even go there.

You say you were in your early 20s. Our teenage brains do not stop developing until the age of 25 and I believe people who make an impression on us at that age often pop up in dreams etc - but it doesn't mean you should be together. It means your teenage brain had strong feelings for this person and it made a big impression at the time. Lust is not love, love is building a life with someone, which he already has. You need to move on.

You know this is all in your head, don't you?

I think you've taken this crush and ran away with it and it got so big, I can believe he might find you attractive and might be interested but he is still choosing her over you and that's the bottom line. I would accept that there is a connection and possible the attraction is mutual but he made his choice. Silence is also a choice. Doing nothing is a choice. Men cheat and separate from their wives all the time. Men make steps and initiate contact all the time WHEN THEY WANT TO. You've given him openings, there were opportunities to talk but he never took it further. He's happy with things as they are between you occasional bumping into each other and a bit of eye fucking. While you pine for him, his life must be good enough that he is still with her but you're probably unhappy with your life and escaping to him is like a romantic book that you can't put down, a nice dream where you control the narrative and you've spun it so big very few real life men measure up to this man and idea you've built up.

To sum up, yes he might fancy you back but he isn't doing anything about it because he is at least satisfied with the life he has with her and he stares at you because it's like a game now, you also give him vibes and eyes and it's human nature to look back. It might even be a little ego boost for him that he is still attractive in his 40s or however old he is but he isn't taking it further. He just isn't. Shake your life up and confront whatever it is you're running away from with these maladaptive fantasies because it's unlikely that anything will happen.

If you believe in astrology I bet there is something in your own natal chart that shows intensity and tendency to obsess in love. He might be your Juno and you're his lilith. It would interesting to compare your charts and the wife's. You sound spiritual so look at your charts it might help you understand what's going on but regardless of what the planets say he ultimately has his free will to choose and so far it's still her. Try and see this as if it's meant to be it will be and let it go. You've chased him before and had him for a couple of nights, he knew what you were like and still chose her. Sleeping with him messed you up for 18 years longing for him. This man isn't good for you, his effect is not good for you. Do not go down the rabbit hole of twin flame mentality.

It likely doesn't mean anything. Sorry.
I have had a similar situation for around 16 years whereby I've thought of my first love daily and dream of him a lot. I was with him for 5 years, but I put him on a pedestal. I have never dated anyone quite as witty or good looking since, but he was a player, a charmer and extremely arrogant.

Now and then I tell myself that I'm the reason he's never married, never had kids. I escape into a little fantasy world now and then but I tell myself he's "fantasy man" because in reality, he isn't relationship material. I've just ended a relationship with a possible covert narc interestingly. I imagine that if I was in a healthy relationship, I wouldn't fantasise about him anymore.

I think it's just your fantasy and you are running wild with it. If he was interested in pursuing this further he would not have chosen his girlfriend 18 years ago.
It sounds like you are hanging on to something that isn't real because you are unhappy in your current situation. I would focus on fixing that.

What is his wife like? What are you feelings about her? Would she recognize you as the person he cheated with 18 years ago?

I think you are projecting on to him the fact you want to be in a different relationship. It's likely he looked at you because he was trying to recognise you or did recognise you and was freaking out you were going to upset his wife if he saw you. You seem to have a complete disregard for his wife. If he does as well - why would you want to be with him? He would be a man who will potentially dumpy you for someone else. please see counselling to help get the life you want.

I suspect that he was thinking “shit it’s that bloody woman again, if she says anything to the wife I’m in deep trouble”