Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

18 years and I can't stop thinking about him. Help.

72 replies

Auror81 · 23/03/2023 00:21

Here is my situation.18 years ago in my early 20s I had an absolutely mad crush on someone. I have never felt this way about anyone before or since. He was in the early days of a relationship with someone else. I had just left a long term relationship and was single. I made it my mission to get with him, and I did. He was interested in me of course, the thrill of someone liking him I guess, he had 2 seperate nights with me, then got caught by his girlfriend. Since then, over the last 18 years, we both married other people and had children. He is still with the same woman. I guess one of my questions is - of course I know it's lust/sexual attraction but as it's still going on 18 years later I wonder if it's more/meant to be more. I don't think there have been many days at all, if any, that I haven't thought/dreamt/fantasized about him over the last 18 years. How bad is that? Need to add, I am in fact unhappily married and we are on our last legs due to me being married to a nasty narcissist. So there is a real possibility of me being single again soon in the near future. Anyway. We still live in the same town. When we drive past each other there is always eye contact. We always seem to drive past each other on the same two roads (different times/days) with no connection to routine. Anyway, I was thinking to myself recently, surely if I put this much thought into him, intentionally or not, over 18 years, surely he can FEEL it. Surely I pop into his thoughts too. We had some memorable exciting times trust me. Then, I had a dream, where people were coming to me and telling me, shouting at me “Aurora! He loves you too! He feels the same way! He loves you too!” Ok yes this sounds a bit crazy. My feelings for him were suddenly heightened. I got ready and had a good hair day and all looked well (for a change) and I went out hoping I'd bump into him/dreaming I'd bump into him. Considering I could go almost a year without this happening sometimes..guess what… I did!!! He was with her and she had her back to me. He couldn't take his eyes off me for at least 10 seconds, from me walking up to him and past him (obviously didn't speak) and I sure as hell didn't break that eye contact for 1 second. A real moment. Since then I'm really contemplating my future. Spiritually/practically whatever. What are your opinions? Surely this means something? What does it mean? I feel it's a love like no other although it's not realistic love. There is no describing the way I feel about him.

OP posts:

QueenBee1234 · 23/03/2023 06:29

Honestly OP, you sound like a nutter!
Just because you think about him every day doesn't mean you ever cross his mind.
The looking at you when you are out and about thing - wouldn't you look at someone who kept staring at you?
There are billions of people on the planet, you are not star crossed lovers (or any other romantic tripe you can read about). Sort your marriage out one way or another and leave him alone.
Also, what does 'then got caught by his girlfriend' mean? Did she have a big man trapping net by any chance or did their relationship just progress as they were a good fit for each other?

nc345678 · 23/03/2023 06:33

You should Google 'limerence'. Sounds more like obsessive fantasist behaviour on your part rather than anything real.

alwaysthekirsty · 23/03/2023 06:41

I don't understand how his wife didn't notice him staring at something over her shoulder for 10 seconds.
I agree with previous poster, he was probably shitting himself hoping you wouldn't say anything to him @Auror81 ! That stare from him that you interpret as love, lust or passion is much more likely to be a deer in the headlights moment.

Tomkirkman · 23/03/2023 06:44

Not sure you will like my take on this.

It has nothing to do with him. And I don’t think he is giving off the vibe you think.

You were determined to get him and didn’t give a shit that he had a girlfriend. You consciously think you got him. Deep down you know you didn’t. He was in the early days of a relationship. If he wanted to be with you he would have dumped her. When his girlfriend found out about you, he would have dumped you. You were just a shag to him. When it came down to it, you didn’t get anything. I think your ego is telling you there’s some sort of connection and feed you a romantic story of people who met at the wrong time. To cover up that you didn’t get what you want. You lost and you can’t let it go, it’s too damaging to your ego to admit it. Your ego likes the ‘he made a mistake marrying her and I am the one he wants’ story far more than ‘he used me and then chose her’.

You are in an unhappy marriage, and obsessing about how someone else’s husband (who treated you badly) must have spent his entire marriage really wanting you. That story feeds your ego. It makes the ‘he didn’t want you’ far easier to to accept.

When he sees you he is probably mortified and embarrassed. You are the physical personification of the shitty thing he did.

If he is looking at you with longing, why would you want him? He isn’t a prize. Your story suggests he married a woman he didn’t really want to, tied her to him when he didn’t actually want her. People only do that because it benefits themselves. If your story is true, he has treated his wife appallingly. So where is the prize? What’s he going to do? Leave his wife now for you? Or shag you and leave you again?

You say your ex is a narcissist and maybe he is. But you have spent almost 2 decades convincing yourself, this man really wants you even though his actions don’t match. 2 decades, thinking he still wants you. 2 decades dreaming about how you should have been with someone else and looking for a connection every time you see them. That’s not the recipe for a happy marriage or life. I would guess you need some therapy to find out why you are obsessed with a man who treated you badly but is still taking up head space. Also maybe look at why you are desperate to know he wants you more than his wife. Why you can’t let go of the fact that he chose her.

PoseyFlump · 23/03/2023 06:52

I've never said this on a forum before but you sound like you're suffering with MH issues. Please speak to someone before this escalates beyond fantasy

Tibetandoghund · 23/03/2023 06:54

@Auror81 Tell us about the 'memorable exciting times' you had with this man. Do you think they are exclusive to you and this man? Do you think he's had memorable exciting times with his wife? Do you think any of us have had memorable exciting times like you had?

wormshuffled · 23/03/2023 07:02

If he felt you had a moment when you saw each other recently maybe he will reach out to you?
Alternatively he could know you engineered the chance meeting and think you are a psycho.
For now I think you need to do nothing more regarding him, but re yourself you need to extricate yourself from your unhappy marriage.

QuillBill · 23/03/2023 07:05

You've made something out of absolutely nothing at all. Nothing. Once a year or so two people who live in the same town pass each other in their cars.

You saw him with his wife and he looked at you. He might have been thinking 'she looks familiar' or 'that woman has a coat just the colour we want for our spare room'.

I agree with Posey and I think that you need to talk to a professional about these thoughts.

Elieza · 23/03/2023 07:08

In my experience if you ask the angels/god/the universe for what you want then they can come through for you. It even says in the bible to ask and you will receive.

I had the hots for a guy in a local band and the angels/voice in my head told me he’d be in B&Q at a certain time. I thought he prob won’t but I put my makeup on and looked my best and went. He was there. (I’ve never seen him there before or anything. I just had this feeling).

Anyway ended up I dated him for a while and it was good for a bit but it wasn’t meant to be. I think it’s just because I wanted it so much it happened. I asked. I received.

It didn’t mean he was The One.

If we are unhappy in a relationship it’s better to dump and be single than use someone. You/he/any of us won’t find The One if we aren’t looking. And it’s unfair to window-shop while in a relationship we are unhappy with and the person doesn’t know.

We have one life in this shell. We should use it wisely.

If you have a good spiritualist ask them what lies ahead for you. I have an angel board I ask questions of. It’s quite helpful.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2023 07:13

Youdoyoubabe · 23/03/2023 01:09

I felt like this about Robbie Williams. I did eventually see him in a coffee shop. He seemed fairly non plussed by seeing me. Very disappointing,

😂😂😂

User4301 · 23/03/2023 07:16

One of my siblings has schizophrenia and this is absolutely exactly what she was like. Is like.

There is a perfectly ordinary man who she has been infatuated with since we were teenagers and we are in our fifties now.

She has talked of him for decades, not constantly on and on, but he is always there in her thoughts.

He has absolutely no idea. None. He's a perfectly ordinary bloke with a normal wife and life.

But if he gets a blue car my sister will say

'he's got a blue car to show me that we are going to drive off together into the blue sky'

If he posts a photo of his morning cup of coffee on his (open to the whole world) facebook page she will say

'he's done that because we were in the same coffee shop in 1997 and he wants me to know he remembers'

She would have said just what you said after you saw him in the shops. 'he saw me but he couldn't talk to me so we just looked at each other to show we both knew we wanted to be together'

In reality he's just a middle aged bloke staring off into space thinking about what he's going to have for dinner or what time he can to collect his son from the trampoline party.

savoycabbage · 23/03/2023 07:18

Tibetandoghund · 23/03/2023 06:54

I think this is a really good point.

RedHelenB · 23/03/2023 07:22

Icedlatteplease · 23/03/2023 00:37

It "means" you still have a crush on him. That's it.

He's in a relationship. You're barely out of one. Neither of these actual facts suggest a relationship of any sort is in any way advisable

There's no cosmic fate here.

This. 10 seconds is a really short space of time, signifies nothing. For all you know he could be looking at you thinking thank goodness I chose gf and not OP
If you're unhappily married, that's what you need to concentrate on, how can you realistically improve that situation?

ladydimitrescu · 23/03/2023 07:25

@Tomkirkman has nailed this on the head.
Please leave this man and his wife alone op.

perfectcolourfound · 23/03/2023 07:30

You can safely assume this is all in your head. Just because you have a crush or fixation on someone, it doesn't mean they feel the same.

If he really liked you, he could have chosen you over his gf all those years ago. HE CHOSE HER, and he's still with her now.

I think for you, you set out to 'get' him and thought you had, then he chose his gf and that's why he's stuck in your head. You still need to prove you could get him if you wanted him.

And if you seriously think that once you're single you're going to split them up and get together with him..... can you see how morally reprehensible that is, as well as totally unrealistic?

piedbeauty · 23/03/2023 07:36

Sounds like limerence. You're unhappy in your current life so you're imagining a romantic, perfect, ideal life.

If he's been with his wife for 18 years no doubt he loves her. You had two nights together a lifetime ago, that's all.

I'd try to resolve your marriage - by leaving? - and move on. Counselling might help you.

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 07:45

If he didn't dump his new ish girlfriend for you 18 yrs ago, he's not going to dump his now wife for you 18 yrs later, with no contact in between.

At absolute "best" - if you engineered contact with him and he did get in contact (which he might not) you might get an affair/fling. But I doubt he'd be leaving his marriage - with all the massive financial, emotional, practical, family etc downsides to that.

What you need exiting/if you exit your marriage is not an affair, that leaves you feeling second best, possibly used, disappointed, upset etc. You need a bit of time single and then to meet a decent partner who is actually available.

You are very unhappy in your marriage and are projecting that onto him.

You are fixating on him because you're unhappy, and projecting that onto him.

You have zero evidence he's unhappy and him looking (back) at you for 10 seconds could mean absolutely nothing. He's probably just thinking "oh, is that that woman I hooked up with a couple of times honks ago, I think it is .... "

Passing each other in cars means nothing. That happened when you live in the same region as someone.

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 07:46

*yonks ago

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 07:49

Also if people look/stare at us, we tend to look back at them, that's all.

FluffyFlower · 23/03/2023 07:50

You are idealising him. What ifs, wanting what we can't have. Leave it behind. It didn't work out with him. He is in another relationship, work on yourself, and if you want to find a new man, get someone who is not attached. Otherwise you will be running in circles - same script different cast.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 23/03/2023 07:51

You had " two separate" nights with him, 18 years ago. He hasn't tried to find or contact you since. He isn't interested in you, doesn't think about you. Your dreams are just that - dreams, and mean nothing in the real world. You're having these fantasies about the man because you're unhappy in your relationship.

Talktalksauce · 23/03/2023 07:53

I also agree with other posters that’s it is limerence. I’ve been in very similar situation, 20 years in the making, and we did go there … I didn’t end well. I could only see it for what it really was when I was out the other side.

Dozycuntlaters · 23/03/2023 07:55

It means absolutely nothing, you were a cheap thrill to him and he stayed with his partner, the woman he cheated on.

There is no fate or spiritual connection. If you had gone on to meet and marry someone who made you happy you wouldn't have given this man a thought for years but because you are unhappy you are seeing him as an escape route, a nice day dream.

Bbq1 · 23/03/2023 08:00

Youdoyoubabe · 23/03/2023 01:09

I felt like this about Robbie Williams. I did eventually see him in a coffee shop. He seemed fairly non plussed by seeing me. Very disappointing,

Robbie Williams being confused when he saw you in a coffee shop sounds about right for him!

harkerlee · 23/03/2023 08:02

Sorry, I don't think it's "meant to be" anything.

You are infatuated with him, that's all, and you want to be in a different situation/ relationship to the one that you are in. That's really tough, but he is not your answer. Why not get some counselling and work on yourself?

He's in a long term and committed relationship. Leave him alone, unless he decides to end his relationship and becomes single of his own accord.

Flip

1 2 3