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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

18 years and I can't stop thinking about him. Help.

72 replies

Auror81 · 23/03/2023 00:21

Here is my situation.18 years ago in my early 20s I had an absolutely mad crush on someone. I have never felt this way about anyone before or since. He was in the early days of a relationship with someone else. I had just left a long term relationship and was single. I made it my mission to get with him, and I did. He was interested in me of course, the thrill of someone liking him I guess, he had 2 seperate nights with me, then got caught by his girlfriend. Since then, over the last 18 years, we both married other people and had children. He is still with the same woman. I guess one of my questions is - of course I know it's lust/sexual attraction but as it's still going on 18 years later I wonder if it's more/meant to be more. I don't think there have been many days at all, if any, that I haven't thought/dreamt/fantasized about him over the last 18 years. How bad is that? Need to add, I am in fact unhappily married and we are on our last legs due to me being married to a nasty narcissist. So there is a real possibility of me being single again soon in the near future. Anyway. We still live in the same town. When we drive past each other there is always eye contact. We always seem to drive past each other on the same two roads (different times/days) with no connection to routine. Anyway, I was thinking to myself recently, surely if I put this much thought into him, intentionally or not, over 18 years, surely he can FEEL it. Surely I pop into his thoughts too. We had some memorable exciting times trust me. Then, I had a dream, where people were coming to me and telling me, shouting at me “Aurora! He loves you too! He feels the same way! He loves you too!” Ok yes this sounds a bit crazy. My feelings for him were suddenly heightened. I got ready and had a good hair day and all looked well (for a change) and I went out hoping I'd bump into him/dreaming I'd bump into him. Considering I could go almost a year without this happening sometimes..guess what… I did!!! He was with her and she had her back to me. He couldn't take his eyes off me for at least 10 seconds, from me walking up to him and past him (obviously didn't speak) and I sure as hell didn't break that eye contact for 1 second. A real moment. Since then I'm really contemplating my future. Spiritually/practically whatever. What are your opinions? Surely this means something? What does it mean? I feel it's a love like no other although it's not realistic love. There is no describing the way I feel about him.

OP posts:

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 08:04

Also you say you "got him".

But, not trying to be cruel, just realistic; you didn't actually get him. You got him to have sex with you a couple of times; big difference.

If you'd actually "got him" he'd have ended his relationship and started one with you.

Many men, even when attached, will take sex if it's offered on a platter. Especially young men, especially men in not very long relationships. That's all he did, took what was offered (probably thinking you were perfectly ok with only hooking up, otherwise why would you have sex with him with no relationship there; even worse, with him in a relationship with someone else!).

GoogieGoggings · 23/03/2023 08:19

Inside you is an 18 year old wondering where it all went wrong. You met him when love was a new concept, that lust, attraction excitement was amazing. That's how it feels when you are young and lusting after a hot guy. When they like you back it's a huge boost, feels like an achievement - the hot guy likes me! I 'got' him for a night!
I know because that's how I used to feel as a youngster. I'd sleep with guys who liked me for an ego boost. It was all down to huge insecurities in myself.
You are lost, unhappy and thinking about how life might have turned out if you'd made a different choice or got with a different guy. I fell in love with loads of good looking wankers back in the day. I still think about them now but I'd never do anything about it.
Look at the patterns you have with men. You say your husband is a nasty character. Maybe you're attracted to men who don't treat you well?
You do deserve better and ti find out why you need this boost at all costs.

whattodo22222 · 23/03/2023 08:34

I think you should read about limerence.

frozendaisy · 23/03/2023 08:50

All in your head OP

You, as you say, have invested far too much head time to him over 18 years that any car passing or look is totally blown out of proportion.

Once it is known you are fully independent single if he turns up knocking on your door declaring that his established life over the past nearly 2 decades was all a sham until you re-entered his life again, then fine, it true cosmos, until then. Just in your head. Sorry.

MMmomDD · 23/03/2023 08:54

He has been with the same woman for 18 years. THIS means something. It means he and her are meant for each other.

You have created this fantasy in your head that is your escape from reality. In that fantasy life is rosy and you have a perfect loving prince. Any time reality doesn’t make you happy - you can escape there.
It’s had on so many levels. One being that you never have to actually work on your reality - you can just escape in your mind.
it’s a really unhealthy way of living.
You aren’t too old to get rid of it and try learn to come back and make a real life with someone. Please get help

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:55

You sound like a fantasist.

None of what you have said matters. You are married, he is married.

Either work on your marriage or end things with your husband - but you still shouldn't go after this man as that would make you a piece of shit in my opinion. Women who go after married men and almost as low as the married men who accept their advances for a cheap thrill and ego boost. That's all you would be OP.

If you have any decency at all think of the children involved.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/03/2023 08:58

I do t think you even know him that well. It’s all in your head.

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2023 08:58

If he wanted to be with you he would have continued seeing you 18 years ago and wouldn’t be married to someone else. It’s just a crush..lust or whatever you want to call it, the fact your in a unhappy marriage is just making things worse, making you think about him more, wondering what it would be like to be with him, fantasising about how amazing it would be if you were together? The truth is it’s a fantasy.

Get out of the unhappy marriage, work on yourself and concentrate on real relationships. Forget about this guy, he’s probably a totally different person than you imagine him to be anyway, people change as they get older.

AIBUNoNo · 23/03/2023 08:59

Sorry but this is nonsense.

You are fantasising.

Your marriage is unhappy, you've concocted this idea in your head that a bloke from 18 years ago can be your saviour, and 'it's meant to be' even though he's married.

Sort out your marriage and stop trying to poach someone who is married.
If he felt the same, don't you think he'd try to find you and take it further?

AutisticLegoLover · 23/03/2023 09:01

Jeez. How embarrassing

Dery · 23/03/2023 09:21

Also, OP - you say your husband is a nasty narcissist but you seem very ready to interfere with another woman’s marriage and another family’s home life with no thought for them at all. That sounds pretty narcissistic to me and makes me question how decent a person you are. You really need to work on yourself.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 12:44

I cannot wait to see how this all pans out. 😆 absolutely bonkers.

I can’t get over the insane long eye contact as the OP walked past.

Middletoleft · 23/03/2023 12:55

I considered name changing for this but couldn't find the energy so will settle for get a grip and leave the fantasy in your head where it belongs.
It was a teenage kick, which if it was destined to have gone somewhere would have but it didn't.

He was with someone then and is someone now (so not really someone you want to get involved with really). There will be someone better out there for you.

Hang in there!

gold22 · 23/03/2023 18:27

All these years later and the leopard hasn't changed her spots! Whether he has or not, I'm fairly sure you'll be trying to find out regardless of what a load of randoms on the internet think 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't come crying on here when it all goes horribly wrong

InSpainTheRain · 23/03/2023 18:53

I don't think you are necessarily in love with him - but over the years you have fallen in love with the idea of him being with you. Who knows what that may have been like. A brief relationship with good sex may have led to being a loving and stable marriage, or maybe you'd have both been too passionate and hot to get on. There is no "meaning" nothing "cosmic" - I don't want to be harsh it's just that you've pursued the romance in your head.

Avoid though - he is in an LT relationship by the sound of it and you have only just left one. Neither make for a great new relationship.

AutisticLegoLover · 23/03/2023 19:11

I don't think OP is coming back. No surprise there.

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/03/2023 19:15

Wow, that's embarrassing. Sorry your relationship is ending, this fantasy is not the answer.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 23/03/2023 21:16

user18 · 23/03/2023 06:27

I suspect that he was thinking “shit it’s that bloody woman again, if she says anything to the wife I’m in deep trouble”

Or:

“There’s that mad woman that doesn’t blink. She just stares. I’m going to watch her to see how long it takes her to blink. Oh my god. She must have eyes of steel. She’s still not blinked. Wow, she’s really staring at me. She has to be a sorcerer. Her eyes must hurt. Oh, she’s gone past. Didn’t blink once. Amazing. shakes head in disbelief as he goes off to find his wife.”

Thisgirlcan21 · 23/03/2023 22:18

I think you sound unhappy in your marriage. Thinking of him is probably a nice distraction. It is unlikely he thinks about you or he would have reached out. I would say work on what you are going to do about your marriage and what you want in life. I think our minds can overthink when we may be lonely.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 23/03/2023 22:32

AutisticLegoLover · 23/03/2023 19:11

I don't think OP is coming back. No surprise there.

Parked at the end of the road patiently waiting to "accidentally" drive by Mr. Fantasy. "We both drive cars...what are the odds of that? It has to mean something!".🙄

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 23/03/2023 22:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

WifeofEvelynHugo · 25/03/2023 17:58

Keep him as a fantasy, honestly, I think reality will severely disappoint you, whether he remains loyal to his wife or chests with you.. either way, I can guarantee it will not be worth it.

sometimes 'The one that got away' Got away for a reason.

also, if you have been married to a narcissist for 18 years, you would benefit from space to make sure you don't fall back into a similar relationship.

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