Would you pay this money back?

[SleepyHay]

This might be long so apologies in advance. My perspective is somewhat skewed on this and I feel quite ashamed so don’t want to ask anyone IRL.

I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional and abusive household. There was always the message that we had no money. Some neglect, there always seemed to be screaming, shouting and violence. I remember going to bed hungry most nights, we’d just get a sandwich after school for dinner and that was it. All my clothes, apart from school uniform, were hand me downs from people who my Mum knew. Even down to my underwear. Being in school and your knickers falling down due to the elastic going was not fun.
There was never any holidays or days out. I never learnt to ride a bike or swim. It was always because ‘we can’t afford it’. I just assumed we were poor.

Then, almost as soon as I turned 18 my Mum kept offering to lend me money. Turns out my parents had tens of thousands in the bank. Being young and a bit rubbish with money, I would always borrow it. It started with the odd £10 here and there and ended up with money for a deposit on a flat, a car, furniture etc. Every penny I borrowed was kept track of and it didn’t come with no strings attached. She would want to know all my financial information, wanted to know my budget, my earnings and even tried to get me to add her to my bank account so she could approve my spending.

I did stop borrowing and started paying her back in my mid twenties. I owed so much, by the time I had my first DC I still owed around 10k. I literally had no spare money at the time and asked her if I could stop paying her for a while which she agreed to.

I ended up cutting contact with her a few years later due to her nasty comments and the way she treated my DCs. She is not a nice person to be around. The problem is, I still owe her the money I haven’t paid back yet. DH thinks I shouldn’t bother due to what she’s put us all through and she’s fairly well off anyway. But it’s still playing on my mind. I don’t have the money just sitting around so I’d need to save it. At the same time I feel quite resentful about way I was treated growing up. Feeling complete shame about us being so poor and then it turning out to be lies.

Thanks if you’ve read to the end. Just would like to hear other people’s opinions on what they would do.

Fuck no. I wouldn't give it a second thought either.

I wouldn't even think about it . Did they ever explain why you went without basic things like a proper evening meal or clothing that fitted you ?

Definitely not the reply I was expecting, but it made me laugh. Thanks

@Merlinsbeard83 no, in their eyes they have never done anything wrong, ever. It wouldn’t be worth bringing it up.

Yes, I would personally.

You borrowed that money with the understanding you'd repay it. You didn't borrow it under the understanding that it was a gift to make up for your childhood not being ideal.

It's a moral thing, I would rather be the person who does the right thing and repays the cash and can sleep at night than have an unpaid debt hanging over my head, even if the loaner doesn't have much legal ability to claw it back.

If you absolutely don't think you need to pay it all back, then pay some at least. Maybe half and then presume you're NC for good. But yeah, I wouldn't feel comfortable just deciding to keep a loan because of an unrelated issue.

😊 ahhh good. I really wouldnt give it any more headspace. It sounds as though your parents were borderline neglectful to you growing up and it was a choice that they made. Everytime you feel guilty about money "owed" give your head a wobble 😆. Also ignore any replies you get on here giving you advice to the contrary. Nobody in the real world would think you owe your parents anything, but this is mumsnet so I'm sure someone will along shortly to tell you otherwise. All the best to you.

If you're not being asked to pay it back and have cut all contact, I'd forget about it completely and concentrate on building a happy future with your DC.

There are two separate issues here. (1) You experienced a difficult childhood and it's not clear why your parents were pleading poverty. (2) You knowingly borrowed quite a bit of money with the clear understanding that it was expected that you pay it back.

I would pay the loan (because that's what it is) back. Even if it's just a small amount monthly, you borrowed it and you do owe it.

None of that excuses the neglect and deprivation your parents put you through. That's appalling and I understand your resentment.

I would do a budget and save a set amount each month into a seperate account.

Then every three or six months I'd withdraw what I'd saved so far and spend it on my dc, to ensure they have the childhood you should have had.

And if my mum ever asked me for the money, I'd tell her just that. And I'd keep records as to how much I'd saved and what experiences for my dc I'd paid for with it too, to show her if the need ever arose.

No way. You don't owe her anything.

I suggest similar to this - save the money but don’t give it to her unless she comes asking for it. If she never asks for it give it to your children.

No. It’s parents’ duty to provide for their children: this covers physical and emotional well-being. Your parents failed at that, even if they don’t recognise their failure.
You owe them 10K. Divided by 18 years of their parental duties it comes up to approx £46 per month, £1.5 a day.
Hand them in this calculation if they ever ask for money back. That’s your childhood in pounds, their favourite currency. If anything, they owe you.

I'm in the camp of fuck no way.

I know others say the two aren't linked (horrible childhood and the money) but I disagree.

I wouldn't pay it back and would stay NC and enjoy my life away from the stresses of that toxicity

If you really can't say Fuck Off set up a dd of a quid a week. Highly unlikely a court would order you to repay such parents...

Nope not a chance would they be getting a penny of me. No excuse for being shit parents, whatever your circumstances.

Your Mother sounds like the kind of person who might, very well, down the road come back to you and insist it is repaid, I agree. But I'm assuming you didn't sign anything to say you would pay it back, so she can't chase you for it legally?

You have gone no-contact for good reasons because of her behaviour and I most certainly wouldn't be getting in touch with her to offer to start repaying what you owe her.

You say 'we just got a sandwich......', so I presume you have siblings?

I think if I were you, my view/thinking would be

a) I have gone no-contact, she is not a nice person and she will probably cut me out of her will and leave everything to my sibling(s), so the £10k I owe her, if I pay her back may be all that I ever see of any inheritance

b) Even if she doesn't cut you out of her will, she can, if she wishes, arrange it so that you get £10k less than your sibling(s) -

In either event I think your OH is right. At least while your children are still at home, so that you can give them as good a childhood as you can. If it really bothers you, and it would probably bother me too, at least a bit, to be honest, once your children are grown and away from home, then start doing some saving in a separate account and once you have £10 leave it there until she comes back looking for it? If she ever does

You've posted about this before, more than once, maybe re-read those threads as you got hundreds of replies

I would put what I could in a high interest savings account, bond or even premium bonds. Let it grow and if she ever asks for it back then you've earned some interest/had a win.

If you can let it go yourself and not keep thinking about it then fuck her. You owe her nothing. She owes you compensation for a fucking rubbish childhood and neglect.

Let them take you to court if they want it back.

What they've done is not normal

Thanks everyone for your replies (except for the obvious troll!). I know legally there’s not much she can do as there’s no written agreement or timescale to pay it back. It’s more of a moral question.
If I had the money and paying her back would have no financial impact on my family then I would do it without question.
I like the idea of saving it for my own DCs though. Might just do that.

If I were you I would absolutely not pay anything back now. You owe your mother nothing.

No chance would I pay her anything, she’ll probably cut you out of her will be c’est la vie.

This!