Would you pay this money back?

[SleepyHay]

This might be long so apologies in advance. My perspective is somewhat skewed on this and I feel quite ashamed so don’t want to ask anyone IRL.

I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional and abusive household. There was always the message that we had no money. Some neglect, there always seemed to be screaming, shouting and violence. I remember going to bed hungry most nights, we’d just get a sandwich after school for dinner and that was it. All my clothes, apart from school uniform, were hand me downs from people who my Mum knew. Even down to my underwear. Being in school and your knickers falling down due to the elastic going was not fun.
There was never any holidays or days out. I never learnt to ride a bike or swim. It was always because ‘we can’t afford it’. I just assumed we were poor.

Then, almost as soon as I turned 18 my Mum kept offering to lend me money. Turns out my parents had tens of thousands in the bank. Being young and a bit rubbish with money, I would always borrow it. It started with the odd £10 here and there and ended up with money for a deposit on a flat, a car, furniture etc. Every penny I borrowed was kept track of and it didn’t come with no strings attached. She would want to know all my financial information, wanted to know my budget, my earnings and even tried to get me to add her to my bank account so she could approve my spending.

I did stop borrowing and started paying her back in my mid twenties. I owed so much, by the time I had my first DC I still owed around 10k. I literally had no spare money at the time and asked her if I could stop paying her for a while which she agreed to.

I ended up cutting contact with her a few years later due to her nasty comments and the way she treated my DCs. She is not a nice person to be around. The problem is, I still owe her the money I haven’t paid back yet. DH thinks I shouldn’t bother due to what she’s put us all through and she’s fairly well off anyway. But it’s still playing on my mind. I don’t have the money just sitting around so I’d need to save it. At the same time I feel quite resentful about way I was treated growing up. Feeling complete shame about us being so poor and then it turning out to be lies.

Thanks if you’ve read to the end. Just would like to hear other people’s opinions on what they would do.

@SNWannabe
Whatever they did or did not do the OP was fully aware of all of this when she borrowed from them with the agreement to repay. If she needed money, she could have gone to a bank or loan company. She choose not to do that. Instead, she choose to borrow repeatedly from her mother. She did not condition these as payment for childhood neglect. Like any reasonable adult, she borrowed with the agreement to repay.

Now that she has other things that she would rather do with her money, she is manufacturing a reason or excuse not to pay. Saying to someone that " you were a bad parent " does not justify not paying them money that you borrowed from them.

It is a bit ironic to assume a morally superior attitude when electively choosing not to meet a financial obligation.

@Mari9999
I appreciate you have a different opinion to most people on here. Just to clarify, my children will never know about any of this and we’re far enough away from my parents now, that they aren’t able to just turn up or see them.

At 18, which was quite some time ago, I didn’t have any clue as to the extent of the abuse I experienced in childhood. It’s a strange thing to explain but it’s like having two conflicting versions of reality running in your head at the same time. One where everything is fine and one that’s just out of sight, but you know it’s there. I messed up a lot in my late teens and early twenties and have spent a long time trying to put things right.

I have paid back quite a lot but just didn’t have the money after having my first DC so stopped and fully intended to start paying her back again once I was able to.

The full extent of the abuse came out in therapy afterwards. The very few people that know anything about this IRL think I shouldn’t give her back another penny. This isn’t something I’d even considered until that point and it’s been going back and forth in my head for a while. Which is why I posted on here, most people are more honest if they’re giving their opinion anonymously.

I would pay the money back but just because I'd know morally, I was right and the better person. At the end of the day, you knew it was a loan and not a gift I presume?
If you're NC now though, has your mum even said that she expects the rest of the money back?

OP, then the honest thing to do is to notify her that you think that you should keep the remainder of her money as repayment for childhood neglect.

I don't think that it is honest to take money and then not repay it. If it took therapy to help you remember the details from your childhood, it is also quite possible that you do not necessarily know the details if your parents' financial situation during your childhood.

I would think that if you are going to withhold her money as reparation payment, you at least owe it to your mother to ask about their financial status during your childhood.

I would pay her back, for my own peace of mind. If you give the money back, know it is not for her, but for you to clear your conscience. You know, you owe this money. Pay it back.

Why is stuff written down more important than verbal agreement that you fully remember?

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Forget it and don't pay it back. I'd only pay it back if she asked for it, and it would enrage me. I'd prob be quite spiteful and take some round from the spare change jars we keep. Usually have about £50 in them saved up. You know 1p, 2p, 5p,10p and 20ps. So I'd take her round all that 😂

First of all, I am so sorry that your parents seemed to regard it as more important to accumulate money than give their child decent food and clothes. But you are wrong when you say "I know legally there’s not much she can do as there’s no written agreement or timescale to pay it back. It’s more of a moral question." It depends on the country you are in, but generally it is not necessary for things to be in writing for a legaly enforceable loan to exist and there does not need a written repayment schedule for the lender to have an enforceable right to repayment. The absence of a written agreement just makes things a bit more difficult for the lender. The tough childhood you had will make no difference to in a court of law.

So I think you need to accept that your mother can insist on repayment. That doesn't mean though that you should voluntarily start making loan repayments you are currently not being asked to make. My advice would be to put aside what you can afford to put aside without giving your child the sort of life you had, but don't offer it to your mother unless and until she asks for it.

Nah don't bother

They owed Op a good childhood. She can't get that back.

Fuck em

It is NOT an unrelated issue- it's payback for the things they OWED her growing up, and even the whole loan thing is another form of abuse and control, so hell mend them. No way would I feel obliged in any way, shape or form to pay those twats back. They owed the OP kindness, compassion, unconditional love, positive experiences, good relationships with others etc etc...its impossible to put a monetary value on that, but I can guarantee £10k is nothing...£100K wouldn't even touch it...

@SleepyHay you just concentrate on your own kids now and the family you've built, and leave them in the past without a second thought.

Adding my voice to the dont bother camp. If you really feel guilty then start a savings account so if she does get in contact and asks for it you will already have something to give. If she doesn't ask then it will be a nice lump sum for your DC when they need it for a deposit or a car once they reach their twenties.

OP, keep in mind that there may come a time again in your life when you may need to borrow money.. if or when that time comes remember how much you dislike and resent your parents, and remind them that you will view anything that they give you not as a gift or loan, but as reparation payments to which you are entitled because of their financial neglect during your childhood.

That kind of disclosure will make you an honest woman, and they can then make a fully informed decision as to whether they wish to make reparation payments.

A friend's mother gave him a good few multiples of 10k when they were an adult. He thinks it's guilt money for not being the mother she should have been. He accepted the money. You should definitely be of the opinion that it's to make up just a tiny bit of what you didn't have. Like you were saving it as a child for when you got older.

@Truestorypeeps
The OP has an adult vocabulary and she understands the meaning of the word "loan". This is the word that was used in discussing the agreement with her mother.

Say what you will about her parents, the meaning of words don't change because you no longer find the agreement to be convenient. It is unlikely that the therapist who helped the OP uncover forgotten experience involved the parents to discuss and uncover the details of their financial circumstances.

Poverty has damaging effects on many people the world over, but poverty and the neglect and deprivation that comes with poverty does entitled or free one from meeting their contractual obligations and debts as an adult.