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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you pay this money back?

64 replies

SleepyHay · 22/03/2023 14:24

This might be long so apologies in advance. My perspective is somewhat skewed on this and I feel quite ashamed so don’t want to ask anyone IRL.

I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional and abusive household. There was always the message that we had no money. Some neglect, there always seemed to be screaming, shouting and violence. I remember going to bed hungry most nights, we’d just get a sandwich after school for dinner and that was it. All my clothes, apart from school uniform, were hand me downs from people who my Mum knew. Even down to my underwear. Being in school and your knickers falling down due to the elastic going was not fun.
There was never any holidays or days out. I never learnt to ride a bike or swim. It was always because ‘we can’t afford it’. I just assumed we were poor.

Then, almost as soon as I turned 18 my Mum kept offering to lend me money. Turns out my parents had tens of thousands in the bank. Being young and a bit rubbish with money, I would always borrow it. It started with the odd £10 here and there and ended up with money for a deposit on a flat, a car, furniture etc. Every penny I borrowed was kept track of and it didn’t come with no strings attached. She would want to know all my financial information, wanted to know my budget, my earnings and even tried to get me to add her to my bank account so she could approve my spending.

I did stop borrowing and started paying her back in my mid twenties. I owed so much, by the time I had my first DC I still owed around 10k. I literally had no spare money at the time and asked her if I could stop paying her for a while which she agreed to.

I ended up cutting contact with her a few years later due to her nasty comments and the way she treated my DCs. She is not a nice person to be around. The problem is, I still owe her the money I haven’t paid back yet. DH thinks I shouldn’t bother due to what she’s put us all through and she’s fairly well off anyway. But it’s still playing on my mind. I don’t have the money just sitting around so I’d need to save it. At the same time I feel quite resentful about way I was treated growing up. Feeling complete shame about us being so poor and then it turning out to be lies.

Thanks if you’ve read to the end. Just would like to hear other people’s opinions on what they would do.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/03/2023 16:42

SleepyHay · 22/03/2023 15:33

Thanks everyone for your replies (except for the obvious troll!). I know legally there’s not much she can do as there’s no written agreement or timescale to pay it back. It’s more of a moral question.
If I had the money and paying her back would have no financial impact on my family then I would do it without question.
I like the idea of saving it for my own DCs though. Might just do that.

If you're referring to me as being the troll, I'm not you have definitely posted this before

Fizzadora · 22/03/2023 16:53

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/03/2023 15:18

You've posted about this before, more than once, maybe re-read those threads as you got hundreds of replies

Just because you have seen OP's previous posts about this doesn't mean everyone else has. Why did you feel the need to look back and investigate? Was it just so you could feel smug and superior at having caught OP out? Is your life really so uninteresting that you just had to comment?

Anyway OP I would say you owe your mother nothing. As other posters have said if you think it's going to bother you and you can afford it just put it to one side for your own children.

Original poster
SleepyHay · 22/03/2023 16:56

@Cigarettesaftersex1 where is my post where I’ve received hundreds of replies to then? I’ve posted 2 threads in the last few years. The other one was about my job.

Would you pay this money back?
OP posts:
CraneBoysMysteries · 22/03/2023 17:02

I've definitely not read anything about this before. Even if I had, it's ok to come back and get further comments and thoughts if something is troubling you

I stand by my comments to not pay back OP

Bearpawk · 22/03/2023 17:09

I mean technically maybe you should if she made contact and asked for it but there's no fucking way I'd be voluntarily handing money over to a woman like that.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 22/03/2023 17:14

Naw fuck them. Set up a dd for £1 a month

Channellingsophistication · 22/03/2023 18:17

No I don’t think you should pay it back either. Think of it as an early inheritance. And if it makes you feel any better save the money you would pay back for your DCs future.

WunWun · 22/03/2023 18:20

It wouldn't cross my mind to pay this back.

boymama82 · 22/03/2023 18:35

No way, keep it! No money will but u a nice childhood will it? Sorry I went through that x

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/03/2023 19:36

Fizzadora · 22/03/2023 16:53

Just because you have seen OP's previous posts about this doesn't mean everyone else has. Why did you feel the need to look back and investigate? Was it just so you could feel smug and superior at having caught OP out? Is your life really so uninteresting that you just had to comment?

Anyway OP I would say you owe your mother nothing. As other posters have said if you think it's going to bother you and you can afford it just put it to one side for your own children.

Show quote history

I didn't feel the need to look back and investigate as I remember the previous post(s) and all the replies. Not sure how that means I'm trying to be smug or catch the op out?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/03/2023 19:39

SleepyHay · 22/03/2023 16:56

@Cigarettesaftersex1 where is my post where I’ve received hundreds of replies to then? I’ve posted 2 threads in the last few years. The other one was about my job.

OK well apologies if it wasn't you but it's very, very similar to the one I'm referring to

Aubree17 · 23/03/2023 06:24

The loan and the neglect growing up are two separate issues.

You should repay the loan - I'd set up a standing order for whatever you can afford even if it's 20/25/50 a month. That said, I don't think it's fair of parents to lend money. They should either give it as a gift or not bother.

Are you sure your parents always had money while you were growing up? My own financial position when the kids were 18 was vastly different to when they were 5.

Original poster
SleepyHay · 23/03/2023 07:48

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/03/2023 19:39

OK well apologies if it wasn't you but it's very, very similar to the one I'm referring to

Show quote history

No, it wasn’t me and you were completely wrong. I would suggest not leaving rude, condescending comments on other people’s threads, especially when they are asking for help. Please do not reply on here anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepyHay · 23/03/2023 07:55

Aubree17 · 23/03/2023 06:24

The loan and the neglect growing up are two separate issues.

You should repay the loan - I'd set up a standing order for whatever you can afford even if it's 20/25/50 a month. That said, I don't think it's fair of parents to lend money. They should either give it as a gift or not bother.

Are you sure your parents always had money while you were growing up? My own financial position when the kids were 18 was vastly different to when they were 5.

I’m certain they had less when I was growing up but probably not to the extent they made out. I had therapy after going NC and a lot of incidents from my childhood came up that just didn’t make sense.
Obviously it was a long time ago and I only have my memories of it and small bits and pieces from other people around at that time. My parents were able to find money for the things they needed though. It just makes me sad that they weren’t able to put their kids basic needs first. They definitely never went hungry.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepyHay · 23/03/2023 08:00

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post on here. I have a bit to think about but don’t feel quite so terrible about owing her the money.
I might still pay it back in time, but probably not until we’re financially better off to the point where it won’t affect my own DCs. I don’t want them to miss out because of her.

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 23/03/2023 08:04

Forget her and forget the cash. She was trying to use money to run your life when she realised she had no further control over you. Horrible woman. See it as paying for your therapy after all the damage she did.

Meandfour · 23/03/2023 08:18

Oh I don’t know on this. You had a shit childhood but didn’t cut them off until after you’d borrowed over £10,000 and now don’t pay back anything. You could’ve cut them off at 18 and not taken the money for a house deposit and a car.

Mari9999 · 23/03/2023 08:56

OP, you borrowed the money with the agreement that you would pay the money back. You borrowed the money being fully aware of your mother's character and your childhood experiences. None of those factors stopped you from borrowing the money, and none of those issues should be an excuse to avoid repayment of your loan.

You talk quite a bit about your mother's flaws, but borrowing her money and then debating whether you have an obligation to repay that which you agreed to repay, is not a very impressive character trait .

SVRT19674 · 23/03/2023 09:04

Very smart your mother. When she saw she was losing control over you, she started to dangle the pound notes in front of you, like a carrot. It was all about control, always. We grew up with the minimum, my father had a very good job. He sucked the fun out of everything. He left a healty inheritance. But I would have preferred a more normal childhood in the economic sense.

Mari9999 · 23/03/2023 09:26

OP, if your children miss out on anything it won't be because of your mother. It will be because you are repaying a legitimate debt. What lesson do you teach your children by refusing to pay your legitimate debts?

Will your children grow up thinking that debts and financial obligations are to be taken likely, and if you give your word that it should mean nothing?

Your parents may have been horrible, but you are demonstrating and teaching your kids a horrible lesson. You are in effect teaching them that they need not fee
an obligation to repay their debts ,and that their word need not mean anything.

SNWannabe · 23/03/2023 09:35

Mari9999 · 23/03/2023 09:26

OP, if your children miss out on anything it won't be because of your mother. It will be because you are repaying a legitimate debt. What lesson do you teach your children by refusing to pay your legitimate debts?

Will your children grow up thinking that debts and financial obligations are to be taken likely, and if you give your word that it should mean nothing?

Your parents may have been horrible, but you are demonstrating and teaching your kids a horrible lesson. You are in effect teaching them that they need not fee
an obligation to repay their debts ,and that their word need not mean anything.

Urgh be quiet Mari- why would her kids know anything about paying or not paying debts? What a lot of tosh

@SleepyHay I am in firm agreement with the pp who said THEY owed you a decent childhood and they failed. So if you “fail” to pay back something, then they know what it’s like to be let down by family, just like you do.

I told my exH that I’d pay him a certain amount of money, and when I paid a bit less I “promised” him to pay the rest at a later date and he signed off on the divorce etc. I then didn’t pay him what I owed, but guess what? He promised to love me forever, forsaking all others… and didn’t keep up his end of the bargain so I felt not one ounce of guilt for not upholding mine.

No honour amongst thieves… and how people treat you is definitely going to factor into how they are, in turn, treated.

Justmeandthedog1 · 23/03/2023 09:43

No, forget it.
You've gone NC, to pay them you’d have contact again, even if it’s only paying into their bank a/c. That gives them an element of control back.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 23/03/2023 09:44

Op are you absolutely sure they had the money growing up. And didn’t come into it later? It is an odd change to go from so frugal to so generous. She’s strongly financial supported you as a young adult. Inc even lending you a deposit for a flat, it doesn’t tie to the hoarding money earlier. So something changed.

Mari9999 · 23/03/2023 10:00

@SNWannabe
The OP is looking down on her parents because of their character and behavioral failings ,and she has a right to not think highly of them.

Teaching her children through her actions that debts don't have to be repaid is hardly an admirable or impressive behavior. I imagine that her children will know because they grandmother does not seem to be the type not to mention this.

The OP asked for and accepted the money with full knowledge of her mother's failings as a parent, and yet she agreed to repay the loan. The only thing that has changed is that the OP would now rather do other things with that money. She is attempting to justify her desire not to repay debts that she willingly and repeatedly incurred by citing her childhood experiences.

You could not refuse to pay your mortgage because of the lending agents poor character. Why would that then be a justification for not paying any other debt?

It seems to be a case of the OP living in a glass house and throwing stones.

SNWannabe · 23/03/2023 10:09

@Mari9999 I disagree. She is non contact with her mum now so the kids are unlikely to know- just like my children are unaware we paid off our mortgage last week. Most people don’t include their children in their financial discussions.

The OP also needed to borrow money as her parents didn’t do the decent thing and help set her up at 18 or so- again that’s on the parents who chose to have a child and raise them. If they had been decent parents she would have had that money as gifts not loans, so she owes them nothing as they are the ones who failed to do their job.

It is nothing like a bloody mortgage or loan that has paper work and terms and conditions, and fine well you know it.