Long - need helping texting Ex Dh that our DD doesn't want to see him

[Wasbumper]

I'm looking for some advice about how to word a text to my EX-DH to say that my 12 year old DD doesn’t want to see him at the moment. Arragement is currently – one week Thurs for dinner, stay over Friday night. Next weekend stay all weekend. Apart from when he plays his sport, then she is either made to sit on the pitch alone or she is dropped back to to me as her 15 yr old DB also plays the sport. She hasn't wanted to go for about 18 months due to this but he refused to believe its an issue.

we co-parented well for 5 years, Christmas together, coffee on pick up etc, but he has a very short fuse and a fiery temper and is very intimidating. He shouts and swears a lot at them for not listening, not tidying etc which is why she doesn’t like going. I have tried talking to him multiple times explaining what would help her enjoy it more, he thinks I am meddling and making a big deal out of nothing as he does nothing wrong.

Six months ago he was in my house trying to convince my crying DD to go with him she adamant she didn’t want to go, crying her eyes out. He got so angry with her (and me, even though I was saying it would be fine etc) he screamed at both of us you can F’ing keep her then you can F’Off. Since then I've stopped all contact with him directly about contact after the previous twelve months of trying to explain how he can help her visit by being less angry shouting less and spending more time with her etc

he views this as me being controlling, causing trouble and doesn't believe there's any issues with anything he does or says(very much like when we were married). Since then he contacts the kids directly about weekend plans she feels too scared to say she doesn't want to go as when she has done in the past he minimises her feelings, so she feels guilty for not going (he told her that she makes him feel bad and that she needs to stop acting up)

Weekend just gone, she was due home with me for five hours – my DS was due to play sport with his dad. They both came into the house in floods of tears my daughter was physically shaking - dad had said to my 15 year old I'm going to F ING hit you in a minute. This was because they hadn't got down the stairs fast enough. I said I wanted to go out and tell him that we needed to sit and talk to him as he cant threaten the kids (both kids begged me not to as he would go mad) I said those exact words to him and he went absolutely mental, swearing started saying he could say what he F ING liked and then drove away with his door hanging open round the culdesac. I told him to leave my sons kit and I would get him there as he was clearly fuming, said he would make sure my son didn't play due to his behaviour, he then drove towards me which my daughter saw - she screamed thinking I was about to be run over. she was physically shaking and crying after this.

My son got in the car with him I begged him not to as I didn't feel it was safe but he chose to and said it would only get worse if he didn't go. He told me afterwards he his dad drove really fast the entire journey and he had to tell him to slow down many times, I was petrified they were going to get into an accident. my son also said that he spent the entire journey raging about my behaviour what I've done and the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. He did apologise to my son saying he shouldn't have said what he did.

He won't listen to anything I have to say about the children he believes he's right please help me as I am so beyond anxious having to get in touch with him to tell him my DD wont go this weekend (not helped that its my DS bday and EX-DH bday this weekend) My daughter isn't sleeping well and her anxiety is leading her to stop eating at the mere mention of his name and she wont leave my side. How do I tell him she isn’t going and for him not to try and force contact by texting her – he will go mad.

You and your kids are in dire need of counseling. I hope you can get it.

The kids don't need phones and he doesn't need to be accessing them through their phones.

This situation is far worse for them psychologically than you seem to realize.

Exactly this.

The kids are very damaged, lifelong damage, already. Please dio not let it continue.

I agree @singlemummanurse that it does sound like the love bombing has started. It is true girls witnessing domestic abuse can be more of a target from a future partner. Boys can do too. But it doesn’t mean either of the children will become a target or perpetrator, especially with the right support.

As your ds is 15, he is old enough to be talk to like an adult around what his father is doing. This explains the cycle of abuse. In your situation I would show it to him. The cycle of abuse does has its limitations (discussed in the link) and there are other useful links in the article including the power and control wheel. This wheel could be very useful to him and may help to gently explain that cajoling his sister to come along with him is actually making him complicit in the abuse.

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse

Here is a link of places you and your children can reach out to for help and support.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/domestic-abuse/#support

I wish my mum had taken steps to prevent contact with my abusive father. I was a similar age to your DD. The angry driving, the slating my mum (other shit I won't get into) but it has damaged me for life.
You are doing the right thing. Hopefully you can rescue your son too. He's at a very important age where his understanding of what healthy adult relationships should look like are forming.
It would be sad if he followed in your exh (abusive wankers) footsteps 😕

Very interested to read this thread as I am in the same position with my youngest (15) but having to spell out to her that he is a controlling narcissist bully and his manipulative coercion about her going there doesn't need to be listened to. She's the only one of the three kids who still goes but clearly has a terrible time when there with not being fed, freezing, shouted out and called a liar by the XH gf (once the OW). It took my own lovely bf to over hear what she was describing and moaning about to spell out to me she's in psychological danger each time she goes so I need to brave telling them both it's not going to continue if he can't treat her well.

Grim isn't it.

If he's having a temper tantrum, tell your children to come inside the house and call the police. This is unacceptable. He shouldn't be intimidating and threatening anyone. And reckless driving with your child on board is awful.
It's a police issue.
Call 101 and ask for a callback from a relevant officer.
It will be useful for CAFCAS too.

Sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think it’s fair to tell your son that he can’t talk about this in the house. He needs to be protected, too, and is himself in need of really serious support - if nothing else, so that he can find the strength to walk away from his nasty father when he’s ready. You need to let him have free expression.