Long - need helping texting Ex Dh that our DD doesn't want to see him

[Wasbumper]

I'm looking for some advice about how to word a text to my EX-DH to say that my 12 year old DD doesn’t want to see him at the moment. Arragement is currently – one week Thurs for dinner, stay over Friday night. Next weekend stay all weekend. Apart from when he plays his sport, then she is either made to sit on the pitch alone or she is dropped back to to me as her 15 yr old DB also plays the sport. She hasn't wanted to go for about 18 months due to this but he refused to believe its an issue.

we co-parented well for 5 years, Christmas together, coffee on pick up etc, but he has a very short fuse and a fiery temper and is very intimidating. He shouts and swears a lot at them for not listening, not tidying etc which is why she doesn’t like going. I have tried talking to him multiple times explaining what would help her enjoy it more, he thinks I am meddling and making a big deal out of nothing as he does nothing wrong.

Six months ago he was in my house trying to convince my crying DD to go with him she adamant she didn’t want to go, crying her eyes out. He got so angry with her (and me, even though I was saying it would be fine etc) he screamed at both of us you can F’ing keep her then you can F’Off. Since then I've stopped all contact with him directly about contact after the previous twelve months of trying to explain how he can help her visit by being less angry shouting less and spending more time with her etc

he views this as me being controlling, causing trouble and doesn't believe there's any issues with anything he does or says(very much like when we were married). Since then he contacts the kids directly about weekend plans she feels too scared to say she doesn't want to go as when she has done in the past he minimises her feelings, so she feels guilty for not going (he told her that she makes him feel bad and that she needs to stop acting up)

Weekend just gone, she was due home with me for five hours – my DS was due to play sport with his dad. They both came into the house in floods of tears my daughter was physically shaking - dad had said to my 15 year old I'm going to F ING hit you in a minute. This was because they hadn't got down the stairs fast enough. I said I wanted to go out and tell him that we needed to sit and talk to him as he cant threaten the kids (both kids begged me not to as he would go mad) I said those exact words to him and he went absolutely mental, swearing started saying he could say what he F ING liked and then drove away with his door hanging open round the culdesac. I told him to leave my sons kit and I would get him there as he was clearly fuming, said he would make sure my son didn't play due to his behaviour, he then drove towards me which my daughter saw - she screamed thinking I was about to be run over. she was physically shaking and crying after this.

My son got in the car with him I begged him not to as I didn't feel it was safe but he chose to and said it would only get worse if he didn't go. He told me afterwards he his dad drove really fast the entire journey and he had to tell him to slow down many times, I was petrified they were going to get into an accident. my son also said that he spent the entire journey raging about my behaviour what I've done and the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. He did apologise to my son saying he shouldn't have said what he did.

He won't listen to anything I have to say about the children he believes he's right please help me as I am so beyond anxious having to get in touch with him to tell him my DD wont go this weekend (not helped that its my DS bday and EX-DH bday this weekend) My daughter isn't sleeping well and her anxiety is leading her to stop eating at the mere mention of his name and she wont leave my side. How do I tell him she isn’t going and for him not to try and force contact by texting her – he will go mad.

I know you like your long, paragraphed, tautological posts, but come on, this is a bit much even for you.

They were all abused by this man. They’re all still being abused by this man. That’s clear to see. Why are you kicking a vulnerable woman while she’s down, telling her she’d have been complicit in a car accident?

I work for the police and im all to aware of what will happen next, my children won't make any sort of statement due to the fear of repercussions and guilt for hurting him. It will go NFA. He will be even more furious. But I have done what I needed to, and have made my seniors aware of what's happened. I am logging each event now.

I know he put my son at risk, I tried to stop him going by standing in front of the car - which is why he drove at me. I would have happily have him hurt me to save my son going with him but he is 15 and bigger/taller than me. He said he had to go and it was his choice to do so - against every fibre of my being. I think he must have felt so torn between us, that the only way to soothe his dad was to go with him. I can't link to posts but many of you have mentioned his we all placate him, this is all to avoid his rage. I want my son to stop seeing him but if he is choosing to go, i can't really stop him.

I've sent the text, archived him in my phone and my daughters. I have told my son that is not to be discussed any more at home. I told my dd and she said she felt sick that I'd done it and was scared of what he was going to say. Even typing this makes me feel anxious, it's crazy what a hold he had on us all.

I so very thankful for your kind words, it helped me know that im not crazy or making a drama out of nothing. And that he is out of order and it's not me that's the issue. My dd will be home for the foreseeable and she and I are both relieved. Just hope and pray my ds is OK when he visits him tomorrow.

Well done for telling your superiors OP.

I am also wondering if he is in the police force hence your reluctance to truly involve the authorities

I’ll be thinking of your poor son this week too. How sad.

All the best

You know I sort of feel like you are blind to the fact that you are in a very harmful situation- as in if you seen it happening to someone else you’d be very concerned but because it’s happening to you it doesn’t feel as bad if that makes sense?

What would you advise your daughter to do if this man was her husband and he was doing this to her and your grandchildren were living in fear?

you need to see this whole thing from a different perspective

You are so deep that you can’t see the wood for the trees anymore

please do gently educate your children on what is happening to you all

fear - obligation - guilt = stuck in the cycle of abuse

I think op that you need to start confiding in more people about your predicament- school maybe? You need advice

Thing is, placating bullies doesn't really help - it just proves to them it's a behaviour that works for them and generally they push and push further because why wouldn't they?

Please get help for your children dealing with this abusive man. They're victims of domestic abuse, as are you. Counselling and support is required.

Agree you need some extra help here
after DV training something shifts

cant explain its like the 12 classes pound it into your head and you stop being scared and stop thinking it’s your fault

and you think what a disgusting cunt you are
fuck U cunt
it’s very empowering
sorry for the language !

Well done for confiding to your work superiors. I hope that they can provide some advice and help you and family.

I've been advised therapy together NOT a good idea where there is controlling and coercive behaviour. I dragged my ex to couples therapy and used to trigger meltdowns once we got out, he did not recognise it as a safe space to find resolution, rather I was telling tales on him. Made him furious.

Sorry! Posted before I read this 🤪

Well done OP

Well done OP. You've already taken the hardest step, which was leaving him. This is another big step forward to putting the iron wall in place.

My now exh lost his driving licence for 2 years for driving his car at his ex.... When he caught her cheating.

I'm a bit perplexed by why the cheating is relevant - it's not a legitimate response to someone cheating on you to physically threaten them.

Don't send him a text OP.

All 3 of you are out of your depth with this astonishingly angry & controlling man. And that is NO reflection on you & all on him.

You need to find a brilliant family lawyer, urgently, who has experience of domestic abuse, tell them everything you have detailed here, & get a lawyer's letter sent.

Your children are living in a domestically abusive household when they stay with him.

Both DS & DD were extremely distressed and frightened after you threatened to hit DS. DD was incredibly upset to witness you driving your car at me when I attempted to talk to you. I was extremely concerned for DS' safety when you drove off with him in the car at high speed. DS felt he had no alternative than to go with you as, in his own words, it would be worse if he didn't go.

Absolutely this from @Finalstar
But written by a lawyer, not OP.

Yes. Police, social services, schools, lawyer.

You need to document everything with the appropriate authorities OP, you simply cannot handle this solo.

Contact Women's Aid, OP. You need to tell them everything you have written in this thread. You need the help of an IDVA urgently.

Wow he must be constantly in trouble with the police, courts, and unable to hold down a job.

Or does he only do this to vulnerable/dependant/related people?

If you're entitled to kill someone for cheating on you, half the population would be dead by 40.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. How incredibly sad your children are feeling they need to pacify him to protect you (and each other). A family member of mine has had a very similar situation, as a result of his behaviour he is only able to have visits supervised by his parents. His two children both haven't wanted to see him for a long time because of his behaviour but after a particularly aggressive, bullying episode his son refused to go any more. Sadly the daughter still goes because she worries about how he will react. No answers on this one I'm afraid, just sympathy that so many families are having to deal with unpleasant, aggressive men. Well done you and your daughter for standing up to him and saying no. Hopefully over time his reaction to your daughter's decision will calm down and it might empower your son to feel he can also say no in future if he wants to. Definitely agree with getting a Ring doorbell to have evidence of his behaviour though.

I do think stating exactly what he’s done in writing is pretty important. And a ring door bell to record if he turns up. I’m so sorry you have this in your life.

Your kids are old enough to refuse contact. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Asmain resident carer you can refuse to send them as he is a safeguarding risk.

Set up an email address just for emails to him and tell him due to his aggressive behaviour she will no longer be going to his address. Tell him he can have written contact only with her and tell the school. If your dd is happy she can block him on her phone. She is 12 if he goes to court no judge will make her see him if she is afraid of him. Same goes for your son.

If he becomes aggressive towards you you report it immediately to the police. Only have email contact with him as you will have a written record. Don't get into an email argument with him.If he's not happy he can take it to court, no judge will force them to see him. They are old enough to refuse and have good reason for doing so.

Your home is your place of safety for your kids and for you.

Sent the message saying she wont be coming and to respect her decision and she will get in touch when/if she's ready. So he text her. Saying he misses her and that he's ready to talk.

She had archived the chat (feels too guilty to block him) but checked whilst at school. Im going to have to stop all contact whether she likes it or not aren't I. My son saw him this evening, he went over for his birthday - got given a ton of expensive gifts (all with price tags on!!) and ex was as nice as pie. He earns 6 x what I do and does the flash holidays, eating out etc

Seeing your replies actually helps me believe that I am not crazy for thinking his behaviour is awful and that it isn't me making it all up. It does feel like I have got so entrenched in conflict avoidance that i barely have any fight left in me. Most of you saying I need support and help which again strengthens my resolve that im not over reacting. I have been signposted by my work for help so will engage with anyone I need to. I wish I'd posted years ago, maybe it wouldn't have got this bad

Can't thank you all enough for your support x

This. Call the police, ask for a restraining order. Is it court appointed contact? If not cut contact for your daughter immediately. As you say , your son can choose for himself. If it is court ordered contact then I'd seriously be going back to court to have it amended based on the abuse and threats. Advocate for your daughter, she needs you to stand up for her.

Sounds like the love bombing has started, please reach out to dv agencies op as you and your children really do need support to navigate this. If your daughter isn't supported into seeing how unhealthy the relationship with her father is and break away with your support she is at huge risk of ending up in relationships that follow the same patterns due to the conditioning her father has set up in her to tolerate abuse and be responsible for her abusers feelings by making her feel guilty for natural consequences of not wanting to be around an abuser. Also while making her responsible for this and without addressing the very understandable and justified reason for her not wanting contact, punishing her by giving your son tonnes of presents for continuing contact while she gets nothing because she can't put up with his abuse.