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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long - need helping texting Ex Dh that our DD doesn't want to see him

83 replies

Wasbumper · 22/03/2023 13:17

I'm looking for some advice about how to word a text to my EX-DH to say that my 12 year old DD doesn’t want to see him at the moment. Arragement is currently – one week Thurs for dinner, stay over Friday night. Next weekend stay all weekend. Apart from when he plays his sport, then she is either made to sit on the pitch alone or she is dropped back to to me as her 15 yr old DB also plays the sport. She hasn't wanted to go for about 18 months due to this but he refused to believe its an issue.

we co-parented well for 5 years, Christmas together, coffee on pick up etc, but he has a very short fuse and a fiery temper and is very intimidating. He shouts and swears a lot at them for not listening, not tidying etc which is why she doesn’t like going. I have tried talking to him multiple times explaining what would help her enjoy it more, he thinks I am meddling and making a big deal out of nothing as he does nothing wrong.

Six months ago he was in my house trying to convince my crying DD to go with him she adamant she didn’t want to go, crying her eyes out. He got so angry with her (and me, even though I was saying it would be fine etc) he screamed at both of us you can F’ing keep her then you can F’Off. Since then I've stopped all contact with him directly about contact after the previous twelve months of trying to explain how he can help her visit by being less angry shouting less and spending more time with her etc

he views this as me being controlling, causing trouble and doesn't believe there's any issues with anything he does or says(very much like when we were married). Since then he contacts the kids directly about weekend plans she feels too scared to say she doesn't want to go as when she has done in the past he minimises her feelings, so she feels guilty for not going (he told her that she makes him feel bad and that she needs to stop acting up)

Weekend just gone, she was due home with me for five hours – my DS was due to play sport with his dad. They both came into the house in floods of tears my daughter was physically shaking - dad had said to my 15 year old I'm going to F ING hit you in a minute. This was because they hadn't got down the stairs fast enough. I said I wanted to go out and tell him that we needed to sit and talk to him as he cant threaten the kids (both kids begged me not to as he would go mad) I said those exact words to him and he went absolutely mental, swearing started saying he could say what he F ING liked and then drove away with his door hanging open round the culdesac. I told him to leave my sons kit and I would get him there as he was clearly fuming, said he would make sure my son didn't play due to his behaviour, he then drove towards me which my daughter saw - she screamed thinking I was about to be run over. she was physically shaking and crying after this.

My son got in the car with him I begged him not to as I didn't feel it was safe but he chose to and said it would only get worse if he didn't go. He told me afterwards he his dad drove really fast the entire journey and he had to tell him to slow down many times, I was petrified they were going to get into an accident. my son also said that he spent the entire journey raging about my behaviour what I've done and the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. He did apologise to my son saying he shouldn't have said what he did.

He won't listen to anything I have to say about the children he believes he's right please help me as I am so beyond anxious having to get in touch with him to tell him my DD wont go this weekend (not helped that its my DS bday and EX-DH bday this weekend) My daughter isn't sleeping well and her anxiety is leading her to stop eating at the mere mention of his name and she wont leave my side. How do I tell him she isn’t going and for him not to try and force contact by texting her – he will go mad.

OP posts:
Finalstar · 22/03/2023 15:03

FUSoftPlay · 22/03/2023 14:35

He drove his car at you? He needs reporting.

For balance - would it be worth suggesting family therapy for him and the kids? I doubt it, just throwing it out there. He sounds like he has real problems that aren’t consistent with parenting.

I don't think therapy is appropriate when there is such a power imbalance which is being abused.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 22/03/2023 15:08

Block him on both dc's phones. Then you text him when you have seen evidence he has had anger management therapy you will discuss with the dc if they feel up to seeing him. If he comes round guns blazing you ring the police. In the emergency number if necessary..

FUSoftPlay · 22/03/2023 15:08

Points re therapy taken.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 22/03/2023 15:24

Lodge him driving at you with the police, document everything in a timeline, stop contact and invite him to take you to court.

Don’t make your children see this abusive cunt if they don’t want to. You’re all clearly absolutely petrified of him, just as he wants you to be.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 22/03/2023 15:26

And he’s already getting his son to do his abusive bidding by him feeling he has to pressure your daughter so that he doesn’t have to live with his aggression.

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 15:37

op

I really feel for you but now is the time to tackle this angry brute of a man

He will never change and ideally you need him out of your life

You must tell your sim his fathers behaviour is abusive - so he doesn’t copy it when he is in his own relationships for a start

Please block his number

PeekAtYou · 22/03/2023 15:43

@NCMum79 The son is 15 years old.

Silvers11 · 22/03/2023 15:46

tribpot · 22/03/2023 14:10

I don't think your DS should see him either. He threatened to hit him, he drove dangerously with him in the car. Just because DS feels like he has to in order to defuse the situation is not a reason to put him through it.

I would call the police over the whole incident, not least him driving straight at you.

This. Absolutely this. Call the police about the latest incident and speak to a lawyer about getting contact arrangements either stopped altogether or restricted. Get advice about DV because this guy absolutely shouldn't be having contact with those poor children

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 15:55

I think your poor son is only saying that because he is scared of his fathers reaction

Also your poor son no doubt loves his dad and likely yearns for him to be normal - you should softly point out to your son that his dad is unlikely to ever be able to be fully normal ie stop being prone to losing his temper - tell your son it isn’t his fault etc

Your poor daughter is ripe for the taking by an abuser when she is older by being exposed to this brute

op please tell her that his behaviour is not acceptable- get help if necessary- poss see a family therapist to help you all process what is happening as sadly you are all still treading on eggshells

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 15:56

Abuse repeats itself through the generations

I’ve got no doubt your husband was exposed to similar things growing up

unicornsarereal72 · 22/03/2023 16:45

Involve school. Give your children a mutual person to talk this through and speak to the safe guarding lead.

I remember this well. I was so controlled by his temper I was terrified of the conflict but my children were strong enough to keep saying no. And I had to advocate for them.

He did get angry and shout and swear at us. Which really just provided the point I just kept repeating we will not be spoken to in that way and disengage

School raised a safe guarding which although didn't get escalated it was enough for ex to stop and think about his behaviour because they did make contact and school were involved.

Original poster
Wasbumper · 22/03/2023 16:45

The repeat pattern also plays on my mind, I can't understand why my son is so defensive of him. Saying 'he wouldn't really have hit me' as if that's OK!!

If he hadn't got in the car his dad would have driven away with his kit and stopped him playing, so my son felt he had no choice. He did beg me not to talk to his dad as it would make it worse for everyone. All of this was going on with exdh 6 year old son in the car.

He is adored and applauded by his family for being such a good dad, he shouts less when his gf is around apparently so my DD prefers not being alone with him. And won't spend anytime 1:1 with him and will never go without her brother. I feel my ds is stuck in the middle but we all seem to fear him to the extent that we all pacify him, I can't get why I still feel so anxious around him.

My dd wont block him on her phone, she's scared too as he will be cross and she says it means (the irony! ) so she will archive for now and I will read any messages first.

How about this
'DD won't be coming to visit for a while, she had been really struggling since the weekend and doesnt want to go. Please respect her decision, she is old enough to decide for herself. Im sure you want what's best for her, so l please let her teach out to you when she is ready'

She is due to go from school tomorrow to his, it's her brothers day today and her dad's sat so she is now feeling bad for not going!!!!

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 22/03/2023 16:50

I would edit it slightly to this:
'DD won't be coming to visit for a while, she has been really struggling since you threatened to hit her brother and drove the car at me at the weekend and doesn’t want to see you. Please respect her decision, she is old enough to decide for herself. Let her reach out to you if/when she is ready'

LapinR0se · 22/03/2023 16:51

I think you need to be really specific in the message.

Finalstar · 22/03/2023 17:43

I agree. I still wouldn't text him either. I'd send it by email and block him from your phone.

category12 · 22/03/2023 18:42

I think you need to be creating a paper trail of all this, so email or message I guess, but write it out beforehand and take all emotion out of it - just facts.

I would consider speaking to the police. Talk to your solicitor if you have one and get support from domestic abuse services.

This is a lot for your children to deal with, so I would look at what support you can get them. A children's advocate (children/young people's charities sometimes offer this) or a counsellor might be a good call, so they have someone independent to speak to about all this. Your son as much as your dd, as he's trying to manage his father, which is way beyond anyone, let alone a teen.

category12 · 22/03/2023 18:45

I do think you should put in writing what actually happened rather than a vague reference - but very factually. Paper trail.

firstmummy2019 · 22/03/2023 19:09

You need to contact the police and report the incident.

REignbow · 22/03/2023 19:11

The thing is @Wasbumper he is still controlling you all with his anger and temper. For Christ’s sake, he threatened to hit your DS and drove a car at you!

Why are you not contacting the police? Call 101 and get this logged. You need to email him and not send a text message. You also need a ring doorbell.

Block his number from your DC’s phones, contact the school and call NSPCC for advice.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/03/2023 19:41

As someone who has an abusive parent:

It is so so hard as a teenager to set boundaries with an abusive parent. They've trained you all your life to be scared of them, to feel sorry for them, to try to keep on their "nice side". And naturally you have loving feelings towards them, and guilt, and a desperate hope that this time they'll change, all mixed in. It's taken me until my 30s to get more boundaries in place.

You need to step up, and be far more assertive with him. I can see you are struggling, because you're also a target of his abuse. You need to get outside agencies involved to support you, so that you can be safe from his abuse yourself, and so you can offer complete support of your children's choices. Your kids need protecting - so that your daughter can be away from the abuse, and so that your son can see that he has a real choice to continue or not continue the relationship on his own terms.

Gerwurtztraminer · 22/03/2023 19:54

tribpot · 22/03/2023 14:10

I don't think your DS should see him either. He threatened to hit him, he drove dangerously with him in the car. Just because DS feels like he has to in order to defuse the situation is not a reason to put him through it.

I would call the police over the whole incident, not least him driving straight at you.

Yes, I would have called the police over the car incident if nothing else.

You need to put steps in place to protect your children, especially your daughter since as you say your son can decide to go. Get advice - maybe Women's Aid is a good first step.

My father used us kids as weapons against our mother and it was awful. All the things you describe. Physical and verbal abuse to mum, forcing us into the car if we didn't want to go, being horrible if we were 'naughty or cried to go home, telling us mum was a bitch and slut etc. She eventually got a non-molestation order against him and court ordered supervised contact only (we were younger than yours) and he just stopped seeing us, he was so furious as mum had 'won' in his eyes. I was so relieved we didn't have to see him again (and never did, he died when I was a young teenager and it barely registered with me or my younger siblings).

billy1966 · 22/03/2023 19:56

Your poor children, being utterly failed by BOTH parents.

Why have you not involved the police?

There is absolutely no excuse for you allowing the whole family being completely terrorised by this maniac.

Have you no idea of the damage this man is doing to your children while you facilitate it.

Ring 101, ask for them to take statements from your children and start protecting them.

If your son was killed because he was in the car with an abusive maniac, would you not fell complicit in it.

Your children need you to stop putting him first.

Involve the police.

YRGAM · 22/03/2023 20:00

billy1966 · 22/03/2023 19:56

Your poor children, being utterly failed by BOTH parents.

Why have you not involved the police?

There is absolutely no excuse for you allowing the whole family being completely terrorised by this maniac.

Have you no idea of the damage this man is doing to your children while you facilitate it.

Ring 101, ask for them to take statements from your children and start protecting them.

If your son was killed because he was in the car with an abusive maniac, would you not fell complicit in it.

Your children need you to stop putting him first.

Involve the police.

Every single thread you're in there making stupid, unhelpful posts, and this is no different. Why are you blaming the OP? She is managing an extremely difficult situation the best she can, and she doesn't need posts like that giving her unjustified abuse about it. Notice how not one other poster in this thread had said anything similar

SleekMamma · 22/03/2023 20:03

This reply has been deleted

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Ofcourseshecan · 22/03/2023 20:06

OP, you were lucky to get your son back alive. It is sheer good luck that saved him, as his father was driving like a maniac. But you can’t rely on luck.

My son got in the car with him I begged him not to as I didn't feel it was safe but he chose to and said it would only get worse if he didn't go. He told me afterwards he his dad drove really fast the entire journey and he had to tell him to slow down many times, ... my son also said that he spent the entire journey raging about my behaviour

This stood out for me, among all the frightening and aggressive bullying your ex inflicts on you and DC. I hope you can get him prevented from taking them in his car again. I hope all your efforts to protect them are successful.