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Original poster

Husband always thinks he is dying

54 replies

Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:08

Just that really. It's constant worries and tests that come to nothing.

I am loosing ability to be supportive.

And also underlying fear that the one time i completely dismiss it there actually will be something wrong.

He is currently doing a poo so that I can look at it to check that I think it is not cancer.

I have no medical background whatsoever.

Help.

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 22/03/2023 10:09

Give him a box and tell him to take it to the GP. Do not engage in this shit...pun absolutely intended...

Pseudonamed · 22/03/2023 10:10

How can you know if you have cancer from a shite? Send that man to an asylum. Jesus I would not have the patience and my own other half regularly has 'medical' issues that never surface.

Kolakalia · 22/03/2023 10:13

I think he might have health anxiety.

He can get therapy for this by referring himself to IAPT.

SnarkyBag · 22/03/2023 10:14

I had health anxiety as part of my PND it really is irrational and all consuming so I feel for him because the anxiety and belief that something is wrong is very real and frightening. Also so many physical symptoms manifested themselves so that didn’t help. But that said he needs to get some help from the GP. I was very lucky in that my GP was very kind but very firm with me and fortunately citalipram worked wonders for me.

I still cringe at ring 111 crying at midnight about a mole that looked dodgy! But yeah don’t look at his crap tell him he needs to see the GP and needs to get help for his anxiety not his imaginary ailments.

Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:24

Kolakalia · 22/03/2023 10:13

I think he might have health anxiety.

He can get therapy for this by referring himself to IAPT.

Yes. He definitely has health anxiety right? I think I'm going to insist he speaks to someone about it. Not for himself but for me.

I did look at his poo though haha! It's a normal gross poo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:25

SnarkyBag · 22/03/2023 10:14

I had health anxiety as part of my PND it really is irrational and all consuming so I feel for him because the anxiety and belief that something is wrong is very real and frightening. Also so many physical symptoms manifested themselves so that didn’t help. But that said he needs to get some help from the GP. I was very lucky in that my GP was very kind but very firm with me and fortunately citalipram worked wonders for me.

I still cringe at ring 111 crying at midnight about a mole that looked dodgy! But yeah don’t look at his crap tell him he needs to see the GP and needs to get help for his anxiety not his imaginary ailments.

That must have been really hard for you. I am going to get him to talk to the gp

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 22/03/2023 10:27

Health anxiety is very real and incredibly scary. It’s all consuming and very frightening and lonely. The worst thing you can do is become cross or show your annoyance to him, that will just make him feel worse. Try and gently reassure him constantly and definitely speak to his GP and arrange CBT therapy or EMDR therapy. EMDR therapy worked wonders for me and several CBT methods have given me good coping tools. If you can afford to go private with therapy do as the NHS wait can be long.

SnarkyBag · 22/03/2023 10:28

Yes it was a horrible time so I do have sympathy for your husband as I remember the constant fear and terror. That said the absolute relief when the medication kicked in after a couple of weeks was amazing and I kicked myself hard for letting myself suffer for a year!

Inthedeep · 22/03/2023 10:34

Also keep him off Google if you can, Googling things just make them worse and fuels the whole anxiety.

Vallmo47 · 22/03/2023 10:37

Definitely health anxiety and it sounds like his is so severe it needs medication and therapy. Attend his GP appointment if possible so you can relay how bad it’s getting and that it has a real impact on your relationship and, clearly, on him.

Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:42

So he works in market research for healthcare and his illnesses always loosely link with the projects he is doing- he recognises this himself. At the moment it's bowel cancer (hence poo inspection).

My sister has incurable but currently manageable neuroendocrine tumours throughout her body so we are living with talking about cancer a lot as a family.

He is an intelligent, self aware and lovely man so I really do think this is something I need to take seriously and not dismiss but I think I am just at the end of my tether with it.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 22/03/2023 10:42

He will have health anxiety and it is an awful thing to deal with if you have it

The constant battle in your brain that your overreacting but then thinking what if and it just sits there constantly. You can't ever get it out of your brain the stress is unbearable

You need to be more understanding and try and help him deal with it.

Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:44

Cas112 · 22/03/2023 10:42

He will have health anxiety and it is an awful thing to deal with if you have it

The constant battle in your brain that your overreacting but then thinking what if and it just sits there constantly. You can't ever get it out of your brain the stress is unbearable

You need to be more understanding and try and help him deal with it.

More understanding how though? I've already looked at his poo today, constantly talking it through with him, encouraging him to seek help and supporting him when he wants medical tests done.

To clarify I am not dismissing anything at all but I am being clear that I believe it is all in his head and he is not sick.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 22/03/2023 10:47

Trying to get to the bottom of why he has it and if he has any other stresses/anxieties in life that may be channeling themselves through this. Being patient rather than stressing, it sounds like your being dismissive of it rather than understanding it's an actual mental health issue

Beseen22 · 22/03/2023 10:47

My DH suddenly developed health anxiety last year and it was debilitating. It became panic attacks, always health related and he found it very hard to leave the house for a while. I'm a nurse and his symptoms that he was absolutely 100% convinced of never tied in. For example he has always had some headaches and he gave up csffiene to see if it helped the panic attacks so he had headaches from caffiene withdrawal and they were mild tension headaches. He was absolutely completely convinced it was a brain tumour, even though they were relatively mild, not in one area, he had no eye or gait changes. I had to stop him from using the o2 sats probe because if he had a mild cold he would put it on then freak out that his HR was high (because he was so anxious) then start breathing too fast because he was anxious about his heart rate so his sats would go to 94% which would send him in a complete spiral.

Accessing support at GP was an absolute game changer. He started an antidepressant and with about a month he was back to himself, I didn't realise that about a year prior to his panic attacks he had low mood and his sense of humour had stopped until he started the tablets and it came back.

SnarkyBag · 22/03/2023 10:55

Cas112 · 22/03/2023 10:47

Trying to get to the bottom of why he has it and if he has any other stresses/anxieties in life that may be channeling themselves through this. Being patient rather than stressing, it sounds like your being dismissive of it rather than understanding it's an actual mental health issue

I think it’s unfair to expect the op to get to the bottom of where this is coming from and it’s perfectly natural for this to be taking its toll on her.

being firm and directing him to the GP is being supportive. He needs to take steps now to help himself.

Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:57

Cas112 · 22/03/2023 10:47

Trying to get to the bottom of why he has it and if he has any other stresses/anxieties in life that may be channeling themselves through this. Being patient rather than stressing, it sounds like your being dismissive of it rather than understanding it's an actual mental health issue

Ok so I am not being dismissive at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katieandthekids · 22/03/2023 10:59

So- I've just made him read through this thread.

He's promised that if these tests come back clear he will access some support for health anxiety through his work benefits.

Thank you all for your help and sharing personal experiences xx

OP posts:
elastamum · 22/03/2023 11:04

It's pretty common for folks who work in healthcare research to think they have the symptoms of the conditions they work on. I've seen this a lot. We used to joke that our jobs were a hypochondriac's nightmare. If he continues to be anxious then maybe CBT might help.

Inthedeep · 22/03/2023 11:06

Family support is really important, I get you are fed up with it and probably stressed about your sister too, however please please try to hide your frustration from him. Just reassure him constantly, yes it will probably make you want to pull your hair out but try not to show it. Try and tell him he’s okay, that all the tests he’s had show that he’s okay and that he’s healthy. Explain you understand he’s worried but he’s okay, his body is okay etc. He really really needs therapy urgently and this will help him. He will come out the other side of this and the anxiety will lessen, but it will be a lot easier for him if he feels supported.

queenrollo · 22/03/2023 11:09

It is draining to live with though, and eventually you do start to become exasperated with them.
I had similar with my DH who was convinced he was dying of bowel cancer, and my patience started to wear thin after he was diagnosed with diverticulitis and yet STILL had me up at 3am night after night because the Drs were wrong and he was definitely dying of cancer.
I won't list the amount of times we have gone through this, and all the different ailments he's stressed about having.

When he was calm and rational he would admit it was anxiety, but when in the middle of it would accuse me of being uncaring and hurtful.
Likewise my DH is intelligent and self-aware and even acknowledges this behaviour is likely a form of PTSD from a life-threating medical episode a decade ago. Will he get therapy? No, and that is a source of annoyance.

spelunky · 22/03/2023 11:09

What is he worried about and does he have any symptoms?

If it's bowel cancer he's worried about, it is very much underdiagnosed. GP's can be dismissive.

Flyinggeesei234 · 22/03/2023 12:02

He’s showed you his poo? Will that not kill
your relationship stone dead?!

Just refuse OP. That’s just disgusting.

YukoandHiro · 22/03/2023 12:03

Please do be sympathetic. He can't help it, it's a debilitating form of anxiety.

Does he accept he's irrational? If so get him straight into therapy. It doesn't cure it but it gives you tools that help you recognise when you're being insane and dial down the crazy internally. It makes it easier to live. You both deserve this respite!

YukoandHiro · 22/03/2023 12:07

"My sister has incurable but currently manageable neuroendocrine tumours throughout her body so we are living with talking about cancer a lot as a family."

Ok this makes sense.

My health anxiety developed overnight after my BIL died very suddenly of cancer in his early 30s after being misdiagnosed for over a year. I just realised the docs are really unreliable and it expressed itself in extreme an anxiety and feelings of physical vulnerability. It went up another gear after a bad first birth that left DD is SCBU (and her having issues that went undiagnosed for a lot of her first year).

But therapy helps! Maybe show him this thread? And ask him to get a new job?!