Husband always thinks he is dying

[Katieandthekids]

Just that really. It's constant worries and tests that come to nothing.

I am loosing ability to be supportive.

And also underlying fear that the one time i completely dismiss it there actually will be something wrong.

He is currently doing a poo so that I can look at it to check that I think it is not cancer.

I have no medical background whatsoever.

Help.

@queenrollo your poor DH... but why won't he get therapy? Doesn't he believe he deserves to live a calmer life?

Likewise my DH is intelligent and self-aware and even acknowledges this behaviour is likely a form of PTSD from a life-threating medical episode a decade ago. Will he get therapy? No, and that is a source of annoyance

I have a family member who isn't self-aware, unfortunately, and whose health anxiety makes her very verbally aggressive and dismissive of all attempts to help. She refuses all and any suggestions to access medical support any more because 'I'm dying and the doctors all know and are lying'. She’s had every test known to mankind - all clear (and I'm continually amazed at how she somehow manages to get scans etc done so quickly on the NHS). The entire family now walks on eggshells.

What can be done in this situation, I just don’t know, but it’s horrible to watch as a concerned bystander. Especially when children are involved.

OP, I do hope your DH holds to that promise of seeking help because it needs to be tackled.

Ha not at all. Everybody poos!

Just reposting this...

@YukoandHiro actually because he was let down very badly by a therapist for an issue prior to this, and so I do understand why he fears opening up to another person. His situation has been complicated because he does have ongoing health issues, but I have to say that since getting a definitve diagnosis for that his general health anxiety has almost completely stopped. I think for him a lot of it was a desperation to get answers, so he fixated on every little thing and it got out of control.

Ugh. There's being sympathetic to a hypochondriac and then there's looking at their poo because they've dragged you into their current health focus.

That's beyond being supportive and bordering into plain old disgusting - what on earth does he expect your insights to be? Are you a colorectal surgeon or something?

The best thing to do with people suffering with health anxiety is to not pander to it. You just feed it by doing so. He needs to access support for it (it's actually a form of OCD) and you probably need to put some boundaries in place with him. Discussing a headache with you? Fine. Showing you his bowel movements? Revolting

PS I say all that as someone who suffers with HA!

I actually don't think looking at his poo is that completely terrible... he's been there through me pooing myself in childbirth, having my waters manually broken and vomiting all down his back... and two emergency c sections so actually looking down the loo just isn't a big deal for me. I just don't want him living his life constantly fearing he might die. My sister LITERALLY might die at any point and doesn't live like this...

DH has got terrible health anxiety, has had for years. We can't watch any medical dramas.

He talks to the GP about it though and not me, I refuse to engage in any conversation about it with him as I don't have the time or the energy to deal with his self indulgence (and that's exactly what it is). My Dad was dying of liver cancer, and DH asking if it was catching was a very low moment for me. I think even he realised that he'd really crossed a line at that point.

Thank you all for your help but I think there is too much focus on the poo now to be helpful to me haha. So I'm going to unwatch this thread.

As I said he's read the posts and agreed to sign up to speak to someone through work.

Well yes but that's totally different. However if you're happy to examine your husbands poo at his request then yes, crack on

It's very unfair of him to wang on like this when he knows your sister is unwell.

Health anxiety is awful. I developed it when my mum and dad both died of cancer very close together. In the two years following my parents’ deaths, I visited the GP more times than I had in my whole life up to that point. It’s a spiral because the anxiety itself causes physical symptoms which then become further fuel for the anxiety. For me, medication (Sertraline) and CBT worked really well. I still get the odd bout of it but overall I’m much better than I used to be.

I’m glad your OH is open to the idea that it is health anxiety and is willing to seek help for it.

I would avoid getting drawn into reassuring him. Partly because you are not a medical professional so are not qualified to judge whether someone has cancer from looking at their poo, and partly because reassurance can actually be unhelpful longer term for health anxiety, because it’s so short-lived. The more reassurance we get, the more we seek. Doubts creep in: ‘what if the test results are wrong?’ ‘What if the scanner doesn’t work properly?’ ‘What if the Dr made a mistake?’ ‘What if cancer has developed since I had the test?’. So when he seeks reassurance from you, I would try to be kind and patient and tell him that you don’t have the answers that he wants. Remind him that you’re not qualified to assess his medical issues. Encourage him not to Google.

None of us can truly know from one day to the next if there is something beginning to go wrong in our bodies. Yes, we should seek medical advise regarding symptoms or changes that we notice, but without a full medical team and scanning equipment on call 24/7, none of us can ever be truly sure. These are the facts that those of us with health anxiety need to accept. Once we can accept and learn to live with those facts (via meditation and/or therapy), we can really start to feel better and get on with our lives without this frightening obsession dominating our thoughts and- ironically- making us ill.

When he was calm and rational he would admit it was anxiety

As someone who suffered badly from health anxiety and still gets bouts when she has an unexpected twinge somewhere, this is the crux of the matter. Rationally you know it's anxiety but in the middle of an anxiety or panic attack it's not your rational mind that's operating. It's the bit of your brain that doesn't want you to die, is telling you that you might die and you need to get help ASAP.

That should have said ‘medication and/or therapy’ but meditation is also an excellent tool for anyone’s mental health toolkit!

OP the fact he's said he'll speak to the GP if this isn't bowel cancer is classic avoidance imo. I have health anxiety, in his head he has cancer so this far off point where he needs to confront the GP won't happen. Why can't he speak to them soon? It'll make no difference to any diagnosis (or not).

Reassurance absolutely DOES feed the anxiety. You can obviously be supportive and kind but draw the line because ultimately it won't help him, really. He has to wake up to this issue, I suffer horrifically but I'm fully aware that my anxiety affects us all.

Am I the only person who would find this behaviour terminally unsexy?

It is not the OP's job to sort out her husband's mental health issues. He needs to go to the GP and stop making it her problem.

Being ok with looking at his poo aside, you are not a doctor so your opinion on his poo has limited value.

If he has reason to suspect bowel cancer he should move directly to seeking medical treatment.

You having to be involved in the poo inspection seems a bit co-dependent or something.

I was probably very unsexy to my husband when I was in the grip of my health anxiety (although I never asked him to inspect my poo to be fair) but being sexy wasn’t on my radar at all at that time. I was busy deciding which songs to play at my funeral and wondering how my DCs would cope with my imminent death.

I really feel for your DH, health anxiety is so frightening. I have it but it's mainly associated around my heart. I'm scared my heart is just going to give out or something. I also get scared that I'm going to collapse when walking even though it's never happened before. This then stops me going out. I hate that I'm like this but I'm sure your DH doesn't enjoy it either.

Tell him he is an mn poo troll.

Strange how poo related words popped up on this thread - - loose.. and bottom for example!!
Hopefully he will get to the 'bottom' of his worries op.

My exH has health anxiety and when it was really bad he was convinced he was dying a lot of the time. He’d give himself panic attacks, he washed his skin raw on his hands out of fear of germs, his eating was so disordered out of a fear of food poisoning, he had cancer, heart disease, a variety of genetic conditions etc… all in his head.

I got him to the GP who confirmed HA and I insisted he took the anti-anxiety meds. I didn’t indulge the craziness but I was kind and caring. It’s awful.

CBT for health anxiety.

@Bepis I have health anxiety relating to my heart too. At my worst I ended up in A&E or urgent care 3 times with panic attacks which I thought were something else. At my worst I had to stay at my parents house, sleep with my door open and have my Mum check on me throughout the night as I was so scared. Have you had therapy? I’ve had intense CBT and EMDR therapy. Both really really helped, especially the EMDR. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone was really uncomfortable and very scary but with good support from my therapist I really managed to push myself and eventually it paid off. I went from being scared to walk anywhere (even around the block) or anywhere with an incline to eventually walking for 3 plus hours up and down hills during downland walks. It wasn’t easy but with time it’s paid off. I also started out working out on the treadmill, I got so panicked doing it whilst alone in the house though that I used to ring my Mum at the beginning of my workout and told her exactly how long I was going to be and say if she hadn’t heard from me in X amount of time she had to call an ambulance. Please seek help as health anxiety is the worst and whilst it doesn’t completely go and you will have relapses it can get a lot better most of the time. I wish you the best of luck on your anxiety journey ❤️

Don’t get sucked into reassuring him that he is not unwell. That will just keep the cycle going. Sympathise with his anxiety instead.
keep bringing it round to how you can see he is very anxious, rather than give attention to the particular health worry. He is seeking reassurance and the more you see provide it the more he will come to expect you to make him feel better.
He needs to get help for the anxiety, not the bowel cancer. If he has health anxiety-and it sound like he does- he will probably cycle through a few different ailments. All that energy, his and yours, should be focused on him being able to identify when he is getting anxious and how to deal with that in a more effective manner.