What’s the difference between a toxic relationship and abuse?

[Justwondering3]

Not that you should stay in either cases.

A toxic relationship implies responsibility on both sides. An abusive one side. (I know there are 2 people in an abusive relationship).

When I was in court the judge said one time “we” were in a toxic relationship not that “I” was in an abusive one. Then went on to say he had abusive behaviours and denied contact with dc. Toxic implies blame on both sides doesn’t it. Victim blaming.

Another lady who is 15 years older used to be close to me. She hasn’t spoken or acknowledged me for over a year. She told me to stop being a victim. We had a disagreement over a discussion. Just a simple I don’t agree from me and she hasn’t spoken since. She is a single mum, she plays a Marta but her daughter is in an out of mental health rehabs with severe depression. She got really close to me and I suspect she used me until i disagreed. I felt awful for a while but I don’t care now.

There are many people who like to go around trying to please people for self gain because they aren’t happy. I seem to spot them everywhere now. It’s addictive I suppose but not really healthy. Narcissistic disorder is just the extreme end I suppose.

My ex did the same, but he used it like a transaction, he expected something in return. Life isn’t like that. You do things because you want to.

@Watchkeys I think I’ve come to realise what has happened. My ex took away my choice. He believed/wanted whatever,( I don’t understand his brain) his choice and my choice should be the same, he never saw me as separate but a target. He thought I was weak and easy because I’m nice and vulnerable ( I’m not really that nice and he found that out because I was a pain and he ended up loosing a lot, when I left I went for the house to protect our child and I took the child to protect her) He did invest very heavily into the relationship in order to get his return. But I didn’t really want to, to be honest I didn’t really like him, he wasn’t nice (sometimes I’d wish bad things would happen to him so he went away). I didn’t want to return the favour willingly so he manipulated me into doing so. My needs should be fulfilling whatever he needed from me (which I suspect is self esteem amongst other things) I ignored everything I wanted to do, say and feel. He never laid a hand on me he got me attacking myself right where it hurt the most. I’ve done this way before meeting him. Ive hurt my core self so much I barely know who I am anymore. When I do I feel guilty and I don’t recognise that voice. A few people have said I’m so strong and I don’t believe them I felt like I am weak. But maybe I’m not weak.

He used to shout at me you think you’re so clever, you think you’re better then me, you just a parasite, what an evil wanker! I’m so glad I fought in court for years and got my house back. I fought for 3 years in court and got contact denied for that time with our daughter but sadly I’ve lost that and it’s now started.

Yes OP, what you describe is a "toxic" relationship pattern (meaning a negative pattern on both sides – his abuse, your staying/attempting to please and change him – glad you've found the courage to leave now) of "parental conflict" (you can't say 1 person is having a conflict with themselves, unless they're literally bent over getting into fisticuffs with themselves like Elastigirl).

Stop letting his judgements rule your head. Or anyones.

I could make a judgement that it was unfair of you to keep his house. But it doesn't matter what I think. Everyone makes judgements based on their own experiences.

I don't know if you've lost yourself or you never knew yourself but please take some time to get to know yourself, your values and be stronger in your convictions.

It doesn't matter whether your relationship was toxic because of you, him or both. It is what it is. The why doesn't matter. It didn't work. I'm sure if you were able to make it work you would have, and I'm sure if he was able to magic himself up to not be a cunt he would. But you can't, he can't, unfortunately it didn't work and it's time to move on. 3 years in court sounds like a LOT of emotional upheaval and no way for you to move forwards. Now you get to move forward and start the rest of your life!

@OriGanOver it was my family home past on to me and he tried to take it by forcing me to leave (literally physically) then putting in a full alarm system in and scaring me to death to never come in.