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Original poster

Would this annoy you ? Would you say anything ?

72 replies

JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 09:29

Hi all,

Not looking for any judgment or the “ if you don’t trust him leave “ typical stuff. I was previously in a very abusive and toxic relationship with someone for 3 years, that took me a long time to recover and still suffer massively. Self esteem, confidence and trusting men ! Have been with my lovely partner nearly 3 years. Who is truly lovely, had our hiccups throughout and things I find disrespected ect. I always had the impression he was respectful of women and hadn’t been about ( slept around ) so to speak. The impression he gave me.

Anyways, I on the odd occasion have a look at his phone, I know I shouldn’t so please be kind as I have been open with him to say I know it’s his personal and private space and I shouldn’t be doing it. Suffer from really bad anxiety and just struggle, I always think he’s up to something ( even though he never is ) I know I need further help for this. I seen a message in his phone that his friend had sent him about his partner or someone he was seeing. My partner responded with “ don’t ask me I don’t have the best track record “, “ they just think they can shag you so you like them “. Now all I can think about is that he has gave me a false impression of him, and Infact has clearly been a bit of a lad, yes we all have a past. I tried so hard to pick a guy that wasn’t about this, so I say anything ? Do I leave it ? Would this play on anyone else’s mind ? Please help ☹️

OP posts:
RoundLikeaCircle · 22/03/2023 09:37

The problem with snooping is…

In general and most regular relationships people deserve privacy and unless you’re absolutely certain someone is cheating and you’re being fucked over, then I think you need to dial back the snooping.

He’s entitled To have private conversations with his friends and you shouldn’t be snooping on those at all.

I think more people would understand if you had cause to snoop and were viewing a specific conversation with either an unknown / suspected OW/OM.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2023 09:47

You can’t dictate the responses you’ll get to something like this. You don’t sound like you’re in a suitable place to be in a relationship. As you don’t trust him then of course you should break up with him, you’re using your bad experience with your ex against him and he hasn’t done anything wrong. He can’t right the wrongs of your past, that’s not his responsibility.

Stop invading his privacy. It’s not okay. Nothing anyone else may have done to you justifies treating him like this. Telling him while trying to justify it doesn’t make it okay either.

Aussiegirl123456 · 22/03/2023 09:49

What does he say when you confess to him about snooping?

As PP said, he’s entitled to personal, private conversations and a past. It’s about how he makes you feel right now, in the present, and the future you build together.

You will either have to accept him as he is or you will have to end the relationship, work on your self esteem and then love yourself enough to find someone who you’re able to trust. You cannot change someone’s past, nor should you want to. I’m sure you have some things you haven’t shared?

Aussiegirl123456 · 22/03/2023 09:51

Also to add, this snooping/surveillance could be considered a form of domestic violence in the country I live, not sure about the UK. That’s the level of wrong you’re sitting at. He is not your ex.

SimoneSimone · 22/03/2023 09:52

People often tailor their conversations to specific people. You should only judge him on how he speaks to you. And what is in the past should stay in the past. It's unfair for you to judge him on it. Either drop it and stop looking at his phone or end it so he can find someone who trusts him.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 22/03/2023 10:07

I think you are simply not in the right place to have a relationship right now.

The snooping you are doing is unacceptable and must be horrendous for him to live with; waiting for what he's going to be accused of next and if he is allowed any privacy and autonomy.

You blame your past for your current bad actions, but expect your partner to have both a perfect past and a perfect present?

The only red flags I'm seeing in this relationship is you. Your disrespectful behaviour and your lack of accountability.

Lots of us have been abused in the past, it doesn't mean we get to abuse others with impunity.

I think you need therapy, quite a lot of therapy, before you will be able to have a respectful adult relationship.

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2023 10:15

Yep; I think you need therapy as well- you’re clearly not in the right place to have a trusting adult relationship

CantAskAnyoneElse · 22/03/2023 10:22

I’m sorry you’re going theough this.

It’s awful to find out the person isin’t who you thought they were.

Do you live together?
I’m just asking because it could be good to take some distance from him.
So you can clear your head about this.

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2023 10:31

Stop disrespecting his privacy! Would you like it if he snooped on you?

Original poster
JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 10:39

Ok, kind of expected these responses. Which is fair enough ! I totally agree I should not be going into his phone ( taking accountability for it ) but he has actually done several things to break my trust. Disrespected me and I feel like he pretended to be this person when we met. I had a very slow start with him as I had been through a great deal in my past ( I mean cheated on, beaten up, hospitalised, lost everyone and everything ) I am aware loads of people go through abuse in life. But regardless of what yous are taking from my post I actually don’t think I am abusing him ! My issue is, I love him, and he’s kind to me, isn’t abusive and as far as I know not cheating on me. I did have something particular I went into his phone for, I wasn’t snooping through every conversation, or every single part of his phone ( have never done this ! ) so it took my a long try to try and build myself back up, now I feel he’s knocked me back down by stuff he has done ( he says it was stupidity and doesn’t know why he done this stuff ) but for me I cry nearly every night over it, hate how I look, and have severe anxiety over what he might be doing. So yeah people are saying if you don’t trust him leave him. He knows I don’t trust him but we are trying to work on that because over all we have a good loving relationship, I was wondering if people would be annoyed at seeing that or let it go ?

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/03/2023 10:39

It’s abusive to snoop through someone’s phone, especially repeatedly. This is exactly what my controlling and abusive ex used to do to me. Completely unacceptable, “trust issues” or not.

I think you need to end the relationship and work on yourself until you’re able to be in a relationship without doing this.

Original poster
JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 10:41

Yeah it’s definitely really difficult! I feel like I have been giving this guy he knew I wanted and needed but behind my back he isn’t actually that person ? Does that make sense ? We live together yes. Overall we have a very good relationship, but I do feel it’s all just so really hard to put into perspective!

OP posts:
Brightshinylight · 22/03/2023 10:41

Respect his privacy and leave his phone alone.

I don’t consider what he said that bad tbh, just typical bloke talk. Men don’t come wrapped up in cling film and squeaky clean, unless they are constantly attached to their mother. That brings its own problems!!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/03/2023 10:41

he has actually done several things to break my trust. Disrespected me and I feel like he pretended to be this person when we met.

Then leave him. But you don’t get to control him by going through his private messages behind his back.

Original poster
JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 10:42

@CantAskAnyoneElse I meant to take you in my last response, overwhelmed with some of the replies so got a little mixed up there what I was even doing 🤣 !

OP posts:
NevieSticks · 22/03/2023 10:43

JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 10:39

Ok, kind of expected these responses. Which is fair enough ! I totally agree I should not be going into his phone ( taking accountability for it ) but he has actually done several things to break my trust. Disrespected me and I feel like he pretended to be this person when we met. I had a very slow start with him as I had been through a great deal in my past ( I mean cheated on, beaten up, hospitalised, lost everyone and everything ) I am aware loads of people go through abuse in life. But regardless of what yous are taking from my post I actually don’t think I am abusing him ! My issue is, I love him, and he’s kind to me, isn’t abusive and as far as I know not cheating on me. I did have something particular I went into his phone for, I wasn’t snooping through every conversation, or every single part of his phone ( have never done this ! ) so it took my a long try to try and build myself back up, now I feel he’s knocked me back down by stuff he has done ( he says it was stupidity and doesn’t know why he done this stuff ) but for me I cry nearly every night over it, hate how I look, and have severe anxiety over what he might be doing. So yeah people are saying if you don’t trust him leave him. He knows I don’t trust him but we are trying to work on that because over all we have a good loving relationship, I was wondering if people would be annoyed at seeing that or let it go ?

This is all based on the two comments you mentioned in your OP?

Original poster
JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 10:47

@NevieSticks sorry don’t understand what you mean ?

OP posts:
QuillBill · 22/03/2023 10:48

You don't have a 'good loving relationship' though. You have a mistrustful relationship where he 'disrespected' you.

Reading texts between him and his friend is an outrageous thing to do.

You can't just say you take accountability for something so it's ok. You aren't a six year old who has pushed in front of someone in the line for assembly.

savoycabbage · 22/03/2023 10:50

How can reading someone that is someone else's private message annoy you? And what would you say?

I was reading something that was none of my business and it annoyed me?

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 10:50

This is not a good, loving relationship.

You shouldn't be in a relationship at all, blaming past trauma for current poor behaviour is awful and not an excuse. You're literally just repeating the cycle of abuse by using your abuse as an excuse to abuse him.

You need to speaking to a therapist, and to be honest you need to be single until you can be in a relationship without behaving like this.

And no, reading that wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I don't even see why it's an issue. Egads he's had sex with other women and been a bit of a dick about it, it's hardly worthy of crying every night.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2023 10:55

It’s such a good relationship you cry every day and you both acknowledge you don’t trust him and regularly invade his privacy?

It’s NOT a good relationship. It’s a toxic mess.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/03/2023 11:01

So you want validation that he’s in the wrong… but not that you should leave him? Toxic.

Sparkletastic · 22/03/2023 13:05

Many men exaggerate their sexual history to their mates.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 13:08

You seem to be suffering from some debilitating muddy thinking.

had our hiccups throughout and things I find disrespected ect.

I always had the impression he was respectful of women

Which is it?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 13:10

Suffer from really bad anxiety and just struggle, I always think he’s up to something ( even though he never is )

What help have you sought for your anxiety?
You can't keep making it his problem, then saying "sorry, but ... my anxiety".
You are being unfair to him.