Would this annoy you ? Would you say anything ?

[JustalittlelostXX]

Hi all,

Not looking for any judgment or the “ if you don’t trust him leave “ typical stuff. I was previously in a very abusive and toxic relationship with someone for 3 years, that took me a long time to recover and still suffer massively. Self esteem, confidence and trusting men ! Have been with my lovely partner nearly 3 years. Who is truly lovely, had our hiccups throughout and things I find disrespected ect. I always had the impression he was respectful of women and hadn’t been about ( slept around ) so to speak. The impression he gave me.

Anyways, I on the odd occasion have a look at his phone, I know I shouldn’t so please be kind as I have been open with him to say I know it’s his personal and private space and I shouldn’t be doing it. Suffer from really bad anxiety and just struggle, I always think he’s up to something ( even though he never is ) I know I need further help for this. I seen a message in his phone that his friend had sent him about his partner or someone he was seeing. My partner responded with “ don’t ask me I don’t have the best track record “, “ they just think they can shag you so you like them “. Now all I can think about is that he has gave me a false impression of him, and Infact has clearly been a bit of a lad, yes we all have a past. I tried so hard to pick a guy that wasn’t about this, so I say anything ? Do I leave it ? Would this play on anyone else’s mind ? Please help ☹️

My partner responded with “ don’t ask me I don’t have the best track record “, “ they just think they can shag you so you like them “. Now all I can think about is that he has gave me a false impression of him, and Infact has clearly been a bit of a lad, yes we all have a past. I tried so hard to pick a guy that wasn’t about this,

I'm not sure why you have interpreted a casual remark (however unpleasant) to his mate as evidence of him being some kind of Casanova.

Either way - his sexual history is precisely none of your business.
Neither is his phone, & he seems to be forgiving you the intrusion so far.
But you carry on like this & you will destroy your relationship.
So go & access help for your anxiety.

I recommend you start with your GP for a referral, then do talking therapy & CBT.

You keep saying he 'disrespected' you. What exactly has he done? Because you also say he's loving.

To me the only disrespect I see is you checking his phone. Incredibly controlling.

You have NOT taken accountability for it.
Confessing you have done it, then carrying on doing it, does not absolve you.
Nothing could be further from accountability than saying "but he did XYZ so I HAD to snoop!"

I am sorry about your previous relationship, & want to kindly suggest that you have not healed from it. You are not ready to date, & should not be trying to fix a relationship that makes you cry every night & have severe anxiety.

You need to get single, & stay single while you recover from your abuse properly, & learn about healthy relationships.
You need to enrol on this course - https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
& you need therapy.

If you feel he has disrespected you in the past and also now think he has mislead you into thinking he is some sort of person he isn't and you're crying every night you need to finish this farce of a relationship, nothing about it says healthy, loving, respectful op.
You should be alone, work on yourself until you are confident about what you want and how to conduct yourself properly.

I agree.

RUN….him, not you.

The thing is you shouldn't be snooping through his phone at all. I have many conversations on my phone that I wouldn't want a partner reading - private conversations with friends about real issues in their lives, things about me that I would speak about with friends but wouldn't with a partner etc.

Agree with PPs that men will often exaggerate sexual history/prowess when talking to other men as they see it as some sort of status symbol. However that's irrelevant as the issue here is you - what people are saying here is the harsh truth.

You have some serious trauma to process and I think you would be better off single until you have done so. You have dragged all this baggage and distrust into the relationship with him and as a result you are invading his privacy. You are punishing him for what a previous partner did. He is your partner - not an extension of you or your property. You don't just get to behave however you like to calm your anxieties. Every time you snoop to self soothe, you reinforce this toxic behaviour - you need to learn to talk yourself down without snooping. I would seek therapy to deal with this, if you want to stay in the relationship, as ultimately I would end things
with someone who did this to me. Eventually he will say enough is enough

OP, I can see why you have the insecurities you do, you’ve clearly been through the mill. However, your issues are your issues, only you can resolve them, it’s not his job to keep appeasing you and I promise you, it will ultimately drive him away. You can’t control other people, only yourself. I really think you need some good therapy to work through these issues and help you find your self worth and confidence again.

Honestly really upsetting reading these comments, because please do believe me when I say I am aware it is not right and I need to get therapy. I am not for a second trying to make excuses except try to explain this isn’t a man who is just suffering my insecurities from the past, when I met him I trusted him fully ! Infact thought he was something totally different to what is now being shown. I say we have a loving relationship because genuinley we do ! He’s nothing like my previous partners and I do feel lucky to have him. He also aware that he has totally shattered my trust and further destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I did try to end it for his and my sake, but he begged for another chance to spend his life proving to me I am all he wants. I don’t want to list all he has done, because it would be a simple leave him it’s toxic or whatever. Which it isn’t all the time ! More toxic in my own mind from constant overthinking and doubting myself all the time ! I openly admitted to him what I had done, and have felt a lot of guilt ! And have apologies loads. He’s told me he doesn’t bother as he has nothing to hide and if that helps me trust him he’s not bothered. The thing I am trying to get to is I love him ? But I feel he’s one thing to me, but really it’s all pretence, can someone really pretend for so long.

thanks for all the replies and advice, and some not so nice responses and replies ! Wouldn’t be totally kicking someone when they are down !

Why bother posting if you're not going to listen to anyone? No one is "kicking you while you're down", they're truthfully telling you that you are in an unhealthy toxic relationship which is bad for BOTH of you. You clearly have no intention of doing the right thing and leaving the relationship, you obviously intend to just continue justifying your awful behaviour, so I'm not really sure what you were hoping for from posting? People to pat you on the back and tell you you're fine? People to rally around you and tell you it's all his fault and your behaviour is justified? Nah.

Your posts don't really make sense. You said in your first post that you have a good relationship with your current partner, he's always treated you well with a few "hiccups", you've suspected he's doing something wrong but he never is. People responded minimizing the messsages and blaming your insecurities and your coping mechanism/bad habit of snooping. Then in your follow-up you said He also aware that he has totally shattered my trust and further destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I did try to end it for his and my sake, but he begged for another chance to spend his life proving to me I am all he wants. I don’t want to list all he has done, because it would be a simple leave him it’s toxic...

So, your "lovely partner" has done several awful things to you and you've forgiven him and given him another chance? That's MUCH more important context than the few messages you saw on his mobile from his convo with his friend.

You also say Infact thought he was something totally different to what is now being shown. Being shown how? By his behaviour that shattered you, or by what you saw on his phone just now? Personally, I'd read the comments you quoted as stupid guy banter very possibly referring to his past before he met you (and possiblky exaggerating his past for the friend's benefit) and ignore it, especially as I have no idea what "they just think they can shag you so you like them" even means. BUT you have the context of all the stuff your partner has done that has hurt you, so if you see a red flag there probably is one.

If he already knows you snoop and really doesn't mind, you could just ask him to explain the comments. But in your place I'd focus on the relationship the two of you have now, rather than on his past. It seems likely that you're not over whatever he did that "shattered" you, and the issue isn't really the phone messages at all.

@BreviloquentBastard honestly what do you get out of being so unkind ? Baffled people like you exist ! And no point I am saying what I have done it right, if you actually read what I am writing. But he certainly has caused a lot of issues. If you can seriously sit back and say you have never had such issues in life, then just be grateful you haven’t been through what I have !!

What did he actually do that “totally shattered” you? X

@wackamole thank you for your nicely put response. I understand I am not making much sense. As it is hard to explain without writing pages and pages that no one would sit and read ! I am not crying everynight over those messages I have said I have read ! Certainly not, and I am also aware of men being men. However my full point is that I did not think he was like this ! He says things to me, he knows all I have been through in my career past, he knows the trauma I have. He acts a certain way around me. But then I have slowly found out things that have been major and I have described as “ hiccups “ because I did not want to go into full details, so I am left in a position of I love this guy too bits ! I thought he was everything he said he was ? And now it’s like he’s not ? I hate who I becoming to a certain level because I am constantly on edge, worrying, being upset. On the other hand we have days where I am ok and I think no he’s just fucked up a few days and I need to let it go if I have decided to forgive. Ugh I don’t know, I am making no sense, don’t even know why I posted on here !! Was having a bad day and I guess just looking to vent

This, its very unfair. How old are you both? It sounds like a guy being horrified and abusive about fact that his gf wasn't a pure virgin before they met. Do you think he didn't tell 'the truth' because he knew what your reaction would be?
What would he have to do to make you happy and less anxious? Not go out? Stop talking to friends?

What on earth has he done? You keep saying he's 'fucked up things' or there's 'major things' if you are doing this I am constantly on edge, worrying, being upset and crying and being dramatic, that's horrendously controlling emotional abuse.

A few hiccups don't equate to He also aware that he has totally shattered my trust and further destroyed my confidence and self esteem.
So which is it? you posted about seeing daft comments in his phone then when PPs weren't agreeing you've said the above ^^
If he's destroyed your sc and you're snooping and over analysing everything then best you stay single.

It seems like you're trying to trust someone who has shown you he's untrustworthy?

It's kind of like knowing a branch is part sawn-through but putting your weight on it anyway.

Don’t understand why everyone is trying to pick apart what I am saying. I did not want to go into full details of what he has to break my trust. I was rather to get some advise on weather people would think someone can be totally different from that they are actually portraying to me, as some things I have seen and stuff he has done has made me now wonder that. I do not abuse him ! And no did not think he was a virgin or whatever when we met, not even responding any further. Would genuinley be awful to have some of yous as friends ! When this is the kind of shit you say to someone clearly struggling and looking for some help

But none of what you're saying is making sense. Your issue seems to be you feel he portrayed himself as 'not putting it about' (🤢) before he met you, what even does that look like, he wasn't with you, his previous sex life is bugger all to do with anyone else as long as everyone involved was of age and consented and you're upset after snooping into private messages now re this previous sex life?

Nobody is picking apart what you’re saying but you’re saying two seperate things. First you say he’s loving and trustworthy minus a hiccup, then you say he’s shattered your trust.

Shattered your trust how? You claim you can’t say how he’s “shattered your trust” because it’ll take pages and pages, but you could easily say a one word answer such as cheated etc.

You won’t get straight answers with vague questions.

Absolutely nobody on here has kicked you while you’re down. Nobody. Just because they have told you that your behaviour is wrong, that is not them being unkind.

Snooping through a partners phone is abusive and controlling. You need to stop. You cannot justify that behaviour because you had an abusive ex.

You really need to seek therapy for your past trauma, whether that be alongside your bf or on your own. Your current situation is toxic and detrimental to you both.
When you first got with your bf you clearly thought he was inexperienced sexually (?), and he likely thought you wouldn’t be human surveillance. Neither of you are likely who either of you thought you both were at the beginning. It’s not until you get into a relationship that you learn more about one another. His past behaviour is not the issue though. Your current behaviour is. I’m saying this with kindness, but you’re the problem in this relationship. Past behaviour cannot be changed, current behaviour can.

I am not sure how old you are, the entire situation seems very immature. I hope you find peace.

Trouble is, we don't know if he shagged your mate or ate the last Double Decker.

Or maybe left the lid off the milk @WhisperGold?

Either he did something so rotten you know we'd all tell you to dump his arse. Or you look like you're controlling.

Maybe the truth is somewhere in between, but - 😬

1, he went to a strippers with friends, even though I voiced how vulgar and disrespectful I find that to be and would appreciate it if he didn’t ( not being controlling many other women out there who would agree with me ) but I was told basically he was going and that was that. So I sucked it up.

2, I can’t stand drugs, or men who take drugs ( past experience) I know I can’t portray that onto him. It was a discussion we had at the start, it’s actually very hard to find people who don’t take cocaine, anyways he told me has done this in his younger days but would never do that now especially giving my views on it. ( some might see again as me being controlling others might agree ) he went on the same weekend and got totally out his face on whatever ! I was pregnant at that time ( I miscarried ) I was already nervous as he had broke my trust before all of this, but thought I need to try build it back up. So he went for the weekend. I was up all night in tears, worried, if something could happened to him ? Was he with someone ? I don’t know !

3. anyways, turns out he slept with someone, they all had rented a house and took a group of girls back, he admitted this said he was out his face and he was genuinley so sorry for all of this.

he’s not a bad person, and has been nothing but amazing considering what I have had before ! But I began to wonder, is it me ? How I look ? How I am that men just use me or take the piss ? He begged and begged that he didn’t know he was even capable of this and he would spend his life making it up to me. I feel I am loosing my mind ! Because I punishing him for it by constant accusations, or I’m always crying and worrying. But I love him ? So yes yous are right my behaviour is not ok, but it’s not so easy for me to just walk away. That I am finding very hard to do ! Instead I am hoping he is the person I met and the person he told me he was and these things have been mistakes !!