Would this annoy you ? Would you say anything ?

[JustalittlelostXX]

Hi all,

Not looking for any judgment or the “ if you don’t trust him leave “ typical stuff. I was previously in a very abusive and toxic relationship with someone for 3 years, that took me a long time to recover and still suffer massively. Self esteem, confidence and trusting men ! Have been with my lovely partner nearly 3 years. Who is truly lovely, had our hiccups throughout and things I find disrespected ect. I always had the impression he was respectful of women and hadn’t been about ( slept around ) so to speak. The impression he gave me.

Anyways, I on the odd occasion have a look at his phone, I know I shouldn’t so please be kind as I have been open with him to say I know it’s his personal and private space and I shouldn’t be doing it. Suffer from really bad anxiety and just struggle, I always think he’s up to something ( even though he never is ) I know I need further help for this. I seen a message in his phone that his friend had sent him about his partner or someone he was seeing. My partner responded with “ don’t ask me I don’t have the best track record “, “ they just think they can shag you so you like them “. Now all I can think about is that he has gave me a false impression of him, and Infact has clearly been a bit of a lad, yes we all have a past. I tried so hard to pick a guy that wasn’t about this, so I say anything ? Do I leave it ? Would this play on anyone else’s mind ? Please help ☹️

Option 1 then: he did something so rotten you know we'd all tell you to dump his arse.

He's all the things you don't want: a stripper-loving, drug-using cheat.

You're trying to force yourself to look away from your own dealbreakers.

You don't trust him because he's untrustworthy. You can drive yourself bonkers trying to police him or recognise that actually he's not the man you thought he was. That's a shit ton of "mistake"-making.

OP, I feel so awful for you. He's treated you terribly, but it sounds like you can't accept that for the deal-breaker it is to you because his behaviour is not as bad as the horrendous things you've been through before.

You clearly aren't happy in this relationship, and it's tying you in knots. As other posters have said, you need to invest in yourself. It really sounds like you need more therapy and to build a support network of people who will lift you up. I really hope you can start to value your own happiness and your right to be treated well xxx

It actually is really easy to find people that don't take drugs, especially cocaine.

Frankly you sound a bit of a mess and are used to or expect poor treatment, or at least are so used to drama you can't function without it.
He sounds the opposite of charming, both of you shouldn't be in a relationship.
To have a baby with him and in these circumstances would be dire for you and the child, make sure that doesn't happen.

Get some proper therapy and work on why you think this man is the best you can do and go from there.

You’re struggling so much because you know deep down he’s not the one for you. Relationships shouldn’t be so hard and full of drama. You clearly don’t want to hear that and are in denial about how miserable he often makes you.

I suspect you’re scared of being single and you’ve never been single for very long throughout your adult life.

You need to stay single for at least a year or two so you can focus on yourself.

Closer to the mate shagging than the Double Decker end on the betrayal scale then. Some hiccups. LTB.

Hiccups? strippers, coke,shagging randoms, jesus wept.
Walk away ffs, he's not an amazing guy.
Don't be so naive and stop trying to convince yourself this is a good guy.

Oh hun. :( your bar is far too low.

the reason you’re crying , the reason you’re anxious and unwell, the reason you’re checking, is likely that your gut instincts are telling you to get out of this.

yes, it’s true, people do generally have different facets of themselves come out with different people. But they don’t have entirely different moral compasses.

men can have a moral compass. This man has done some things that aren’t in alignment with the values you hold, or the way you want your life to look.

whether he’s ok for anyone on here doesn’t mean he has to be ok for you.

i, personally, wouldn’t be with someone who goes to strippers and does cocaine. I absolutely would not. My own personal choices for my life are quite different than that.

you can’t change him, nor do you need to. You can’t control him, nor do you need to.

anxiety stemming from the idea that if you just make sure everything stays good, you’ll be ok- it’s all damage speaking to you.

you need to get rid of him, and you need to heal.

I had been through a great deal in my past ( I mean cheated on, beaten up, hospitalised, lost everyone and everything )
Interesting that you list cheated on first, as though it's worse than beaten up, etc.

Oh hun, please don’t think it’s your fault. He’s not actually a nice person. I know that it’s absolutely a shit thing to realise after you’re already invested in someone. I think you need to protect yourself and move away from this guy. From your recent update it sounds like he cheated on you too. Honestly, you don’t deserve this and he won’t make you happy. Please don’t try to convince yourself his behaviour is acceptable, it’s not.

Huh a good loving relationship and you act that way. Sorry but I had a physical and verbal abusive cheatinghusband many years ago. It took guts to get out and 5 years alone and counselling to get my confidence and everything back together. Then met my now hubby and now I know what a happy loving trusting relationship is. I would never ever think of looking at his phone or anything else for that matter. Clearly your not ready to be in a relationship yet

Ok. So when you first described him as lovely, respectful to women and treats you well, that was incorrect.

He isn’t respectful to you or women. He sees your boundaries that are clear, but decides to walk over them anyway. He doesn’t put you or your feelings first. He is not different to how he portrays himself, because he is blatantly showing you that he is showing you he is a scumbag.

You would have got clearer answers if you hadn’t described him as Mr NiceGuy. You deserve better.

OP they're not hiccups. They're enough to destroy any relationship individually, let alone all 3 combined.

You don't trust him because he's a liar and a cheat.

You're never going to be able to trust him, no matter how much you work on yourself.

The thing I am trying to get to is I love him ? But I feel he’s one thing to me, but really it’s all pretence, can someone really pretend for so long.

You sound like you are in a relationship because you think you ought to be, not because you want to be.

Why not be single for a year or 2, spend time with yourself, get therapeutic help for your crippling insecurity, learn about yourself & what makes you feel happy & confident?

You don't need to go through his phone, you don;t need to know a single thing more about him.

He went to strip club, knowing it would upset you.
He took coke.
He's cheated on you.

Why are you still with him, putting yourself through misery?

it’s actually very hard to find people who don’t take cocaine
It really, really isn't, & if you think it is, you need to ifnd new friends, or move to a new location. Preferably both, shortly after dumping Mr Unfaithful Cokehead Stripper-fancier.

He begged and begged that he didn’t know he was even capable of this and he would spend his life making it up to me. I feel I am loosing my mind ! Because I punishing him for it by constant accusations, or I’m always crying and worrying. But I love him ? So yes yous are right my behaviour is not ok, but it’s not so easy for me to just walk away. That I am finding very hard to do ! Instead I am hoping he is the person I met and the person he told me he was and these things have been mistakes !!

How is it a mistake to visit a strip club, especially when your g/f asks you not to & you tell her that you are going anyway & don't care what she thinks? How is that "not knowing he was capable of it"?

If you reckon the weekend he took coke is the only weekend he took coke you are deluding yourself. All cokeheads minimise their consumption.

All unfaithful men say it was a mistake & they couldn't help themselves & they are sorry & it won't happen again & she made him do it & it wasn't his fault & he will make it up to you ... all of them. Then they do it again. Why would they not? It didn't make you leave the first time they cheated.

Wowser! If you were my friend IRL then I'd give you a massive hug and then tell you to give your head a massive wobble.

Get rid of this douche bag and you'll get rid of the tears and the anxiety surrounding your relationship.

Go be by yourself for a while, do some work on your self-esteem and boundaries and then, if you wish, find someone who will treat you with respect, won't cheat and won't do drugs. There are men out there who will meet this criteria but not every frog you kiss will be your prince. This man certainly is not x

Blimey nice drip feed @JustalittlelostXX
Not sure why you chose not to mention the drug taking - strip club and sleeping with someone else in your opening post.
Whichever way you look at this - either you snooping and not trusting - or his bad behaviour (because that's what it is) - its all a reason to end the relationship.
I'm sorry for your miscarriage - but actually its probably for the best that you don't have a child between you (unless you've kept that for a further drip feed??!)
The advice for this one was always going to be LTB - but in this case I think you'll both be better off without each other.

would like to thank the people have left kind genuine advice, for those asking why I didn’t choose to mention of this is because I know within myself I should have left when this happened ! But I didn’t.

i promised myself after my previous relationship I would never allow any treatment like this again in my life ! But here I am allowing it. Which I hate hate that I am doing, but I do really love him. For those saying we clearly do not have a living relationship, this is the hard part I can’t seem to actually explain ! I feel we do. The most part we are happy, he listens, never raises his voice, never violent, always willing to talk. Prioritises me, works hard, we have a good life. I understand how people can read what I am saying and properly laugh and think I am crazy for thinking so.

He does not coke on a regular basis this I do know for a fact, but I know he did on this specific weekend I have mentioned. The strippers I did basically beg him not to go but he told me he thought the full thing was awful aswell but he was not missing out on the weekend with friends all because I didn’t want him going to a syrup club, so I thought ok whatever just go.

I like to think, this has been mistakes he has made, and he’s being truthful with who he is. That he won’t ever do anything like this again, but I suppose the full issue lies with I deep down don’t believe it, so I am constantly in torment. I do also believe a lot of men do take cocaine on nights out ect, not saying every single man on the planet does because I am not stupid and I know that’s not the case ! But it is more common than I ever thought !

for the person who has mentioned in what order I choose to put my trauma from the past .. get a grip !! I was not putting it in order of what I think was worse. I won’t continue to try and justify or whatever else. I do know I need a lot of therapy, maybe after I do this I will find the strength to leave, maybe I am not able to be on my own, that’s not something I have thought about. So I appreciate those who have been nice and genuine so very much. Gave me a lot to think about, and I will definitely continue to try work on me and find happiness. Take care all x

You lost me at coke and the strip club, frankly.

Yet another thread where the OP gets overwhelming similar advice but convinced herself he's a good'un.

It is really, really, really, really easy to find a man who doesn't do coke. In fact I've never found one who does. If I did, I wouldn't see him again.

He is not a good partner. You don't trust him. You snoop on his phone. You find things you don't like.

This is not a good relationship. I hope you find strenght to leave him and build a better life.

i promised myself after my previous relationship I would never allow any treatment like this again in my life ! But here I am allowing it. Which I hate hate that I am doing, but I do really love him.

Love isn't enough to outweigh the wrongness. Look, I get it, I stuck with a bloke who was very bad for me for years, because I loved him so damned much and the good times were amazing and I felt like he loved me - but it's horrible for your self-esteem and MH to be with someone you can't trust, it's always there eating away at you. Splitting up with him was a huge relief in many ways.

And notably, tho you do your best to minimise/rationalise the drugs and strippers in your response, you don't touch on the cheating. You know this isn't good enough.