Mutual friend of ex and myself has asked me on a date

Lasttime1 · 2023-03-21T22:16:23+00:00

Ex broke up with me two years ago. We enjoyed the same hobby and have many friends we did it with, including mutual friend. I took up cycling instead after our breakup so hadn't seen this friend too much. I bumped into him last week and asked me if I'd like to go for dinner with him sometime. I was really shocked as never thought of him in this way. I've asked him to give me time to think about, but my gut is saying no because of mutual friendship, I was very hurt and am not sure I want to get involved with someone else so soon as I'm really only getting back to myself with the help of counselling after a five-year relationship. How long should I take to reply to him and would it be okay to say I don't feel ready(even after 2 years) but I'm not saying no, but not right now?

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 22:25

How much do you like this guy? If he was nothing to do with your ex boyfriend, would you be interested?

Original poster

Lasttime1 · 21/03/2023 22:37

He's a nice guy but never thought of him in this way so I'm not sure how I feel really.

OP posts:

winterbegone · 21/03/2023 22:50

I would say no to anyone I don't feel excited about going on a date with, not sure it matters it's a mutual friend as it's been two years since you split up.

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 21/03/2023 22:52

This sounds demented but when I split from exH, several previously known men to him crawled out of the woodwork and came onto me. I stopped counting at 5.

I was shocked. I personally think Men have some sort of victim honing sensor except I didn't feel like a victim, I felt like a warrior after leaving the relationship and I certainly wanted no man who thought they knew me or thought they knew what I needed to simper at me that they had always liked me.

Yeah so what. I didn't like you then and I don't like you now.

Do not pity yourself or them and don't feel flattered by the attention. Remain level headed and move on

FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 01:53

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 21/03/2023 22:52

This sounds demented but when I split from exH, several previously known men to him crawled out of the woodwork and came onto me. I stopped counting at 5.

I was shocked. I personally think Men have some sort of victim honing sensor except I didn't feel like a victim, I felt like a warrior after leaving the relationship and I certainly wanted no man who thought they knew me or thought they knew what I needed to simper at me that they had always liked me.

Yeah so what. I didn't like you then and I don't like you now.

Do not pity yourself or them and don't feel flattered by the attention. Remain level headed and move on

This! Exactly this. Same thing happened to me. Split up with my EX & low & behold a load of his friends who had became my friends started trying to take me out on dates. Some under the pretence of “Cheering me up” It was a firm no from me. Just so bizarre.

LadyJ2023 · 22/03/2023 03:01

Sorry but it sounds like it's probably best to just enjoy yourself atm after having to go thru counselling etc. Dont make the mistake of diving into another relationship until your all recovered from the last as it can mess with your head.

Original poster

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 04:39

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to say that I'm not ready to start anything new yet with anybody, not just him, that although it's two years since breakup, I want to take more time out for myself. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's the truth. Two years might seem like a long time but for me it hasn't been because it took me a long time to feel like myself again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 06:39

LadyJ2023 · 22/03/2023 03:01

Sorry but it sounds like it's probably best to just enjoy yourself atm after having to go thru counselling etc. Dont make the mistake of diving into another relationship until your all recovered from the last as it can mess with your head.

Just a related question. It's okay to not feel ready to date yet, even after 2 years since breakup?

OP posts:

Wombats23 · 22/03/2023 06:44

You can do what you want, ehen you want, with whom you want or not.

If you feel it's a problem, then get help with why but it's your choice.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/03/2023 06:50

I think two years is quite long time. It's not as though he's messaged you the second you split up. There are not many nice guys around. Why not give this one a chance and go out for a drink?

HereForTheFreeLunch · 22/03/2023 07:23

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 06:39

Just a related question. It's okay to not feel ready to date yet, even after 2 years since breakup?

Show quote history

Yes, it's quite ok. Take all time you need. Concentrate on yourself. You don't owe any guy anything.
And even this guy, I wouldn't give him much explanation. That tends to mean the start of a negotiation to them.

user1471517095 · 22/03/2023 08:19

Re the previous post about men "crawling out of the woodwork" etc. It's been 2 years, this man is a bloody slow crawler in that case! He hasn't just pounced straight in, and you don't have to say yes either.

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 08:40

@Lasttime1
I think the ‘recovery’ time sort of depends on the length of a relationship.
Say - 10-20yo relationship, with prolonged shared life, kids, etc - then not being quite there after 2 years seems ok.

But it was shortish 5 year relationship. you have been out of the relationship for almost half of its duration - and you not being able to even just go to dinner, which btw doesn’t oblige you to anything…. I do think is too long.

It’s easy to get stuck in an unhappy place. It’s easy to create this image of ‘I am not ready’. But do ask yourself - ready for what exactly?
Why is it that in your head - simply having a dinner means more than dinner? Why does it come with expectations and obligations on your part?
You don’t owe anything to anyone.
And - more importantly….
Going to dinner with any man does NOT mean you will end up with a relationship/heartache/etc.

Just because the guy knew you and you bf back in the day - doesn’t mean it’s somehow wrong for him to ask you out.
And - if you wait for some ‘sign’ of being ready - it may be another 5 years as you do seem terrified of life and relationships now.
Personally - I think you need to start living your life. And having a dinner with someone who isn’t a total stranger is not a bad step on that path to recovery.

Original poster

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 09:11

Thanks, all. I'm going to give myself a few days to think about it.

OP posts:

Thisgirlcan21 · 22/03/2023 09:19

I would say trust your gut. If your not thinking of him that way, it doesn’t need to change. Just because your single doesn’t mean you have to date the ones you wouldn’t normally consider.

gettingoldisshit · 22/03/2023 09:30

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 21/03/2023 22:52

This sounds demented but when I split from exH, several previously known men to him crawled out of the woodwork and came onto me. I stopped counting at 5.

I was shocked. I personally think Men have some sort of victim honing sensor except I didn't feel like a victim, I felt like a warrior after leaving the relationship and I certainly wanted no man who thought they knew me or thought they knew what I needed to simper at me that they had always liked me.

Yeah so what. I didn't like you then and I don't like you now.

Do not pity yourself or them and don't feel flattered by the attention. Remain level headed and move on

Yep exactly this!

Whatdayisitalexa · 22/03/2023 09:49

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 08:40

@Lasttime1
I think the ‘recovery’ time sort of depends on the length of a relationship.
Say - 10-20yo relationship, with prolonged shared life, kids, etc - then not being quite there after 2 years seems ok.

But it was shortish 5 year relationship. you have been out of the relationship for almost half of its duration - and you not being able to even just go to dinner, which btw doesn’t oblige you to anything…. I do think is too long.

It’s easy to get stuck in an unhappy place. It’s easy to create this image of ‘I am not ready’. But do ask yourself - ready for what exactly?
Why is it that in your head - simply having a dinner means more than dinner? Why does it come with expectations and obligations on your part?
You don’t owe anything to anyone.
And - more importantly….
Going to dinner with any man does NOT mean you will end up with a relationship/heartache/etc.

Just because the guy knew you and you bf back in the day - doesn’t mean it’s somehow wrong for him to ask you out.
And - if you wait for some ‘sign’ of being ready - it may be another 5 years as you do seem terrified of life and relationships now.
Personally - I think you need to start living your life. And having a dinner with someone who isn’t a total stranger is not a bad step on that path to recovery.

I agree with this, he's asked you for dinner and he's a nice guy.. you could say you're happy to meet as friends if you want to be really clear you don't see this as a date

qqq82 · 22/03/2023 10:36

I think recovery time has absolutely nothing to do with the length of the relationship
It's all to do with how you felt about the person and the relationship
I've taken much longer to get over year long relationships than I did to get over my 10 year marriage

Original poster

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 12:13

I'm thinking of saying that I'm not saying yes or no at the moment but the timing isn't quite right for me but I'm flattered... does this sound okay?

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:24

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/03/2023 06:50

I think two years is quite long time. It's not as though he's messaged you the second you split up. There are not many nice guys around. Why not give this one a chance and go out for a drink?

Er - because she doesn't want to?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:25

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 06:39

Just a related question. It's okay to not feel ready to date yet, even after 2 years since breakup?

Show quote history

It's ok to never date again if you don't want to.

It's ok to not know when you might want to date again.

It's ok to not set yourself an arbitrary timeline.

Dating is not obligatory!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:29

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 08:40

@Lasttime1
I think the ‘recovery’ time sort of depends on the length of a relationship.
Say - 10-20yo relationship, with prolonged shared life, kids, etc - then not being quite there after 2 years seems ok.

But it was shortish 5 year relationship. you have been out of the relationship for almost half of its duration - and you not being able to even just go to dinner, which btw doesn’t oblige you to anything…. I do think is too long.

It’s easy to get stuck in an unhappy place. It’s easy to create this image of ‘I am not ready’. But do ask yourself - ready for what exactly?
Why is it that in your head - simply having a dinner means more than dinner? Why does it come with expectations and obligations on your part?
You don’t owe anything to anyone.
And - more importantly….
Going to dinner with any man does NOT mean you will end up with a relationship/heartache/etc.

Just because the guy knew you and you bf back in the day - doesn’t mean it’s somehow wrong for him to ask you out.
And - if you wait for some ‘sign’ of being ready - it may be another 5 years as you do seem terrified of life and relationships now.
Personally - I think you need to start living your life. And having a dinner with someone who isn’t a total stranger is not a bad step on that path to recovery.

WhoTF are you to give lofty pronouncements on when another woman "ought" to start dating again?

OP doesn't want to date!
How dare you imply that there's anything wrong with that decision, or herself?

And what on earth is "start living your life" all about?
OP is alive, free, & living her life. Women don't stop living just because they are choosing not to date.
Your entire post is constructed on a wish to tell OP she is somehow "lesser" for choosing to be single.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:34

Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 12:13

I'm thinking of saying that I'm not saying yes or no at the moment but the timing isn't quite right for me but I'm flattered... does this sound okay?

No.

It is NOT ok.

You are not flattered - your honest, instinctive reaction was shock & my gut saying no.

Why do you feel you have to dress your "no thanks" up in flattery?
Don't mention timing either. All that does is make him think "if I persist she will say yes eventually".

You do not owe men flattery, you do not need to let them down gently, & it's completely fine to say a straightforward no to men who want to date you.

"Thanks for asking, I've thought about it, & it's not for me."

PutinTheFuckingBasket · 22/03/2023 12:40

You don't want to go on a date with this man. The fact you are thinking of leaving the door open to him (why - so you don't hurt his feelings?) means you are not ready to date yet

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 12:48

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Not sure what is going on in your head and why you feel the need to rant on strangers on the web.
Or maybe you simply miss comprehension skills - or, possibly, don’t understand the point of a people asking for opinions on a public discussion forum.
Are you in some dark and unhappy place yourself? Sorry. But misery doesn’t need company. Does it?

If you get off your mighty judging throne of being the One with All Answers, and read what I actually said you will see that at no point did I suggest OP needs to date anyone. Or that anyone is any less than for being alone.

Dinner with a man doesn’t mean dating.
Getting over fears of interactions with the opposite sex is good.
Moving on from pining after relationship they ended 2years ago is difficult but it’s good.
Simples.