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Original poster

Mutual friend of ex and myself has asked me on a date

69 replies

Lasttime1 · 21/03/2023 22:16

Ex broke up with me two years ago. We enjoyed the same hobby and have many friends we did it with, including mutual friend. I took up cycling instead after our breakup so hadn't seen this friend too much. I bumped into him last week and asked me if I'd like to go for dinner with him sometime. I was really shocked as never thought of him in this way. I've asked him to give me time to think about, but my gut is saying no because of mutual friendship, I was very hurt and am not sure I want to get involved with someone else so soon as I'm really only getting back to myself with the help of counselling after a five-year relationship.
How long should I take to reply to him and would it be okay to say I don't feel ready(even after 2 years) but I'm not saying no, but not right now?

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 12:57

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 12:48

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Not sure what is going on in your head and why you feel the need to rant on strangers on the web.
Or maybe you simply miss comprehension skills - or, possibly, don’t understand the point of a people asking for opinions on a public discussion forum.
Are you in some dark and unhappy place yourself? Sorry. But misery doesn’t need company. Does it?

If you get off your mighty judging throne of being the One with All Answers, and read what I actually said you will see that at no point did I suggest OP needs to date anyone. Or that anyone is any less than for being alone.

Dinner with a man doesn’t mean dating.
Getting over fears of interactions with the opposite sex is good.
Moving on from pining after relationship they ended 2years ago is difficult but it’s good.
Simples.

She doesn't want to go to dinner with him

He does not deserve to go on a dinner date with a woman who is not interested in dating him.

OP does not need to be told that choosing not to date means she is in "an unhappy place". What a patronising & ignorant assumption.

She is fully capable of interacting with the opposite sex, as proved by her engagement with a mixed-sex hobby group, without having to date.

You have invented a narrative of fear of men which does not exist.
you do seem terrified of life and relationships now.
In what way? What terror? She is living her life. Working, socialising, enjoying hobbies. What is your agenda in making her out to be some kind of broken victim?

She IS moving on from her relationship. She doesn't need to date in order to continue doing just that.

MarieRoseMarie · 22/03/2023 13:05

@MMmomDD

What an unimaginatively empty your life must be to feel you have nothing outside a relationship.

@Lasttime1 please ignore women like this. They aren’t your friend.

MarieRoseMarie · 22/03/2023 13:07

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

The scary part is how boldly @MMmomDD stated all that misogynistic crap. When the surrender wife pick mes reach mumsnet?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 13:56

Thank you @MarieRoseMarie

That PP has form for sticking up for men at the expense of women.
Then backtracking, saying she didn't mean it, & launching personal attacks on anyone challenging her toxic opinions.

MMmomDD · 22/03/2023 14:02

This is what living in some parallel universe must feel like. Also this is how fake news get created when someone choses
to not bother understanding what people say.
I am happy your two @TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu and @MarieRoseMarie in some mutual adoration club and in violent agreement.

In my world - a woman having dinner with a man doesn’t need to feel it’s a date and she owes him anything.
But as I said - I seem to inhabit a different time/space continuum.
😂

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 14:05

In my world - a woman having dinner with a man doesn’t need to feel it’s a date and she owes him anything.
But as I said - I seem to inhabit a different time/space continuum.

You do, @MMmomDD

In the rest of the world, a woman who does not fancy going on a date doesn't get urged to go on a date because otherwise it's proof shes terrified of life & men.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 14:07

I'm also confused as to why you encourage women to date men they have no interest in, & wonder how you think that's a fair way to treat the man @MMmomDD

This guy is a hobby pal, why would you want OP to lead him on?
And then have all the awkwardness of saying a firmer "no" down the line?

Men are not props for women to play games with.
Fortunately, OP seems to have her head screwed on, after an initial people-pleasing wobble.

Whatdayisitalexa · 22/03/2023 14:52

Lasttime1 · 21/03/2023 22:37

He's a nice guy but never thought of him in this way so I'm not sure how I feel really.

For those who are getting haughty, OP said this

LadyEloise1 · 22/03/2023 16:16

user1471517095 · 22/03/2023 08:19

Re the previous post about men "crawling out of the woodwork" etc. It's been 2 years, this man is a bloody slow crawler in that case! He hasn't just pounced straight in, and you don't have to say yes either.

I agree.

jsku · 22/03/2023 18:13

I am divorced. So are a few of my friends - some initiated it, others were surprised and unhappy when it happened.
And yes - it seem yo take women longer than it does for men to move on.
But also - women often get stuck after a dramatic end to a relationship. And often - say things like OP - I don’t feel ready, etc.
In my experience - this means they are afraid to be hurt again, afraid to open up, and be vulnerable.
I think people upthread are off the mark when they say that pointing this out is somehow misogynistic.

I think recognising that you are afraid of being hurt is just being self aware. It doesn’t mean that you need to think that you need a relationship to feel complete.

To me - it actually sounds like the OP actually wants to move on and feel more ready for opening up to people again. She mentions working with a counsellor. She asks if we think it’s taking her too long. Etc.
I don’t know anything about OP other than what she said. I do know that for some of my friends in similar situations it was helpful to start gently opening up. And often they needed a nudge to do it as ‘feeling ready’ was scary and didn’t happen naturally.

Original poster
Lasttime1 · 22/03/2023 21:06

Thinking about this today. I actually think I don't really want to get into a relationship again yet - with anyone, I don't think my heart would be in it. Before this relationship I'd only one previous so have been single for many years in between and I was always happy. I think I still need time on my own. At the same time, I'm a bit hesitant with this man because of the mutual friendship. I told him I'd ring at the weekend for a chat.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 22/03/2023 21:57

If you're not feeling it, don't force yourself into it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/03/2023 23:07

Lasttime1

I think it’s ok to pause and not be ready
it’s not always the ex either
it’s just maybe you don’t want a relationship right now

and your figuring out who you are

EL2022 · 23/03/2023 07:19

I know I needed about 3 years after a relationship ended before I felt ready again to date. I just wasn't in the right head space and it wouldn't have been fair on them. Take things at your own pace.

jsku · 23/03/2023 08:10

@Lasttime1
I’ll just echo some of the other comments from above.
I think women are conditioned to think men and women can’t be friendly without there being a pressure of potential relationship.
This guy didn’t sit around pining for you for two years. He didn’t ask you out to propose on the spot.

You don’t need to be wanting a relationship to catch up with a friend from your old life. And - in many ways - it’s actually a good and healthy step to face some of those past friends that knew you back then. Why do you automatically assume there are expectations on his side? You might be overthinking this all.
He may have just liked you as a friend back then and genuinely wanted to catch up.

You don’t have to, obviously. And it will bring up some memories that might be unsettling. But - this is how we get over the past - by experiencing those bad feelings and putting them behind us.

And as a completely different point - hypothetically - if you were, at some other time, interested in some other person who knew both you and your ex - there is absolutely nothing that should stop you from considering that person! Your relationship is already well in the past.

Original poster
Lasttime1 · 23/03/2023 13:18

jsku · 23/03/2023 08:10

@Lasttime1
I’ll just echo some of the other comments from above.
I think women are conditioned to think men and women can’t be friendly without there being a pressure of potential relationship.
This guy didn’t sit around pining for you for two years. He didn’t ask you out to propose on the spot.

You don’t need to be wanting a relationship to catch up with a friend from your old life. And - in many ways - it’s actually a good and healthy step to face some of those past friends that knew you back then. Why do you automatically assume there are expectations on his side? You might be overthinking this all.
He may have just liked you as a friend back then and genuinely wanted to catch up.

You don’t have to, obviously. And it will bring up some memories that might be unsettling. But - this is how we get over the past - by experiencing those bad feelings and putting them behind us.

And as a completely different point - hypothetically - if you were, at some other time, interested in some other person who knew both you and your ex - there is absolutely nothing that should stop you from considering that person! Your relationship is already well in the past.

Really helpful to me, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasttime1 · 25/03/2023 13:04

So I rang him today as promised. I explained that I wasn't in a place where I felt ready yet to date, that I'd been surprised by him asking me. He said he'd guessed I wouldn't be ready yet but just wanted to put it out there that he likes me and there's no pressure but if ever I felt like it to let him know. We left it that we'll chat again after a while. I don't want to completely write him off as he's a nice guy, just never thought of him in that way before.

OP posts:
Teaandtea · 25/03/2023 16:54

Sounds like it might be worth giving him a chance whenever you feel ready.

LadyEloise1 · 26/03/2023 12:02

Teaandtea · 25/03/2023 16:54

Sounds like it might be worth giving him a chance whenever you feel ready.

I think so too.

Original poster
Lasttime1 · 26/03/2023 18:01

I'm thinking I'm might - he understands I need some more time and I respect him for that. As somebody else said, one evening out doesn't necessarily have to lead to anything else. I am nervous though after my last relationship and breakup - my self-esteem took a hit, so I'm trying to work on that.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 26/03/2023 19:21

Try not to give your ex too much power over what you do now. If you think you'd enjoy a night out with this guy, who does sound lovely actually, then go. You're not getting into a deep relationship, just having a night out.

MasterBeth · 26/03/2023 23:04

If you don't want to go on a date with him, that's absolutely fine. You've told him now and he's reacted in a perfectly normal admirable way. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, never. It's entirely up to you how you have relationships or not in the future.

I don't get the snark from other posters about this man, though. Two years after the OP's split, a (presumably single) man who knows and likes her, asks if she'd like to go to dinner. Why is this supposed to be unreasonable behaviour?

Original poster
Lasttime1 · 27/03/2023 14:46

I've time to think about what I want to do. He said he understands him asking me was very unexpected for me and he thought I'd say I wasn't ready. He hasn't dated in a long time.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 27/03/2023 17:50

"......I don't get the snark from other posters about this man.....Two years after the OP's split a ( presumably single ) man who knows and likes her, asks if she'd like to go to dinner. Why is this supposed to be unreasonable behaviour?"

I agree with you @MasterBeth

Original poster
Lasttime1 · 14/04/2023 19:38

Just a little update. We're going to an event together in early July. He said there was absolutely no pressure but I agreed to go. It gives me a bit of time as I won't be seeing him until then, but I'm scared to go back out there again. I'd like to give it a chance though - he's a nice guy. I suppose it's only one day and doesn't necessarily have to go anywhere.

OP posts:
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