Apparently I don’t work hard enough

[AsLongAsIHaveMyTea]

I’m not sure if I’m being selfish or not here. I’m feeling a bit confused.
My husband and I run a small business together. He is the head of the company and works full time. I work 30 hours a week sometimes more, never less. He is the one “in charge” as it were. Most questions get directed at him and he has the final say. This dynamic has worked fine tbh for a long time. I have worked less as I have all the responsibilities at home.
For example I’m the one who walks the dogs, does the laundry, tidying, cleaning, organises clubs and school things for DS, all the cooking, shopping etc etc and I do this in the extra hours I don’t work at the business. My husband never does any house jobs.
I am better at the house jobs and I’m happy to do them, my husband is better at the business.
I thought this dynamic worked but recently he has taken on another job (not many hours, computer based and from home) this is because it could lead to a better job in the future. With this he has expected me to “step up” at our business and says I’m not working enough. I said that I can’t do full time hours and all my other things I do for the family but he says I need to prioritise work and I’m not working hard enough.
If I don’t do the house jobs though literally no one would have any clothes to wear, the dogs wouldn’t get walked etc etc. I already get up very early to fit everything in and I’m exhausted by the end of the day. I’m not a lazy person and I’m trying to make excuses.
Maybe I am being just being silly though and I need to just grow up, get on with it and take up the slack with the business and just try to fit the other jobs in. I’m really not sure. I know I’m annoying him at the moment because he keeps telling me how I am. I just don’t think he sees any value in me doing anything except working in the business.
Also if I go out for a dentist appointment or a doctors appointment he gets annoyed the next day saying that “you’re never here”. I did go out last week on a planned day off which he also got annoyed about. This was a one off that I had planned months ago and had had it agreed with him. As I’m writing this though maybe I should have cancelled as circumstances changed and he took this extra job so maybe I should have just stayed at work instead of going out.
So as not to drop feed I don’t go out with my friends, I don’t drink, party or anything I just work and prioritise my family.

I'd resign if I were you.

What @Fizzadora said. Find a job elsewhere.

Thank you for your replys. Can I ask for what reasons should I get another job? Because I can’t fulfil what’s expected of me?

No, because your current 'employer' is taking the piss! Would you accept that kind of behaviour from anyone who employed you?

Yep, I'd resign too. Why should he dictate how hard you should be working!
Perhaps put up a dog walking/washing/cooking/ cleaning rota in the kitchen with him doing the majority of chores as you'll be in the office working hard.

You need another job so you can be financially independent, pay into your own pension yourself and pay for your own home, food, bills, car.

You may need to do this totally on your own soon, as your OH sounds like an entitled idiot

No, because your DH sounds like a twat and I wouldn't tolerate any employer treating me like that.

I'd resign from the job and the relationship. He's controlling every aspect of your life.

Step away from the business and earn your own money and then step away from him

Because you're working for a twat of a boss who doesn't value your contribution.

In your shoes I'd tell him there are two options here.

1. He takes on an additional employee at the business for the extra hours he wants you to work
2. You increase to full time at the business and he pays for a cleaner, cook, dog walker and childcare for the home.

Those are his choices. Unless he's proposing to come home and do the wifework instead?

Running a household IS a massive job! Don't you for a second think that you're being the unreasonable one! He's already getting all of that housework and child rearing for free!!

If he wants you to work harder, he needs to pay for a housekeeper. End of discussion. If he doesn't like it tell him to hire a new employee!
Dick head!

He’s taking the P. Tell him he can take on half of the other chores then if you’re going full time:

Wow op, you work a lot!! 30 hours plus in work PLUS all the housework / admin / cooking for 3 PLUS childcare!! That is a shit tonne of work.

I know it's different for everyone depending on all their circumstances, but for me and my life, looking after my children, ferrying them about and doing the housework /admin for the 3 of us amounts to about 35 hours per week. 5 hrs per day.

So, you're possibly working 65 hours ish a week.

That is a lot of hours, and not a good quality of life. Maybe you have to though financially. Is that about the same as your husband?

Hire a ddog walker.

And a cleaner..
Use laundry services...
Tell dh you will be happy to work more office hours now you have more time.

He doesn't and probably never has appreciated any work you do in the home, he is only bothered about himself, his career progression, his time, but not his wife.

Resign, find a job out of the house FT, put up a evenlynsplit house work life admin rota, if he doesn't agree then you do nothing that helps him out, no cooking, no washing his fucking shirts, no ironing ( who does that anyway ) leave him to it so he can realise how cushy he had it before.

I'd probably leave him aswell if he didn't come back with an appropriately abashed apology.

Oh mate, come on. Surely this is a wind-up? Your husband calls all the shots (decides to take a new job so decides you should work more, never does anything domestic and is an arse to you) and you can’t tell if that’s OK or not?

Typical man in that unpaid work is not seen as actual work.
Yes, either bring an army of help in and you work more in the office or do what l do and live happily ever after alone without some controlling freak dictating how many hours l should be doing every week.

@NoSquirrels I agree. When I read the OP I thought it and then when I read the 'can I ask what reasons...', I called BS.
But in the event I'm wrong, surely DH hasn't just started acting like a controlling, misogynistic, selfish gobshite of an employer and husband? OP, did you not know there were financial difficulties sufficient to warrant your husband needing another job? Did you discuss the need for more income or did he just tell you one day he'd taken on another job? Does he discuss anything with you or do you just follow orders and work yourself to the bone?

Step up at work but stop all the life work. Literally everything. Let him realise exactly how much you do!

Thank you for all your replies.
I’m sorry some of you think this isn’t true, i actually wish it wasn’t!
The thing is I don’t want to work more hours at the business then I already do. I wouldn’t get paid more than I do so all that would happen is I’d pay more for help around the home and see my DS less.
i Can’t “go on strike” in the home because all that would achieve is I’d have more work at the end of it and no one would have clothes to wear and my animals would be neglected.

A few questions:
Are you actually an employee of the business? Or are you nominally a co-owner who takes 'drawings' instead of being an employee?

If you are an employee, who does the payroll admin? You should have payslips, pay NI and tax as an employee, get an annual P60, sick leave, paid annual holiday, etc. etc. - and most of all you should have a proper pension in your own name to which the company contributes.

If you are not actually an employee, what kind of written documentation is there? Are you a shareholder if it is a limited company?
Is it a legal partnership?
Or are you just working for free in your husband's sole-ownership?

What do you actually want?
Do you want to work more in this business? - in which case you and DH together have to buy-in help such as cleaning, dog-walking and childcare.

Or would you rather resign from this business and get yourself a proper job elsewhere?

It’s not that I don’t think the situation is true, OP, it’s that I’m baffled you could think it’s OK for him to demand this of you. How can you think he might have a point?

Grrrrr! Why do women sleepwalk into these dynamics. Men rarely value domestic tasks, especially, when they don’t do them.

There are only so many hours in the day, ask him when he plans to step up his domestic game because you’re done being the CEO of domestic slave inc. Are you being paid for your current full role and will the extra hours be remunerated?

Do not get drawn into a discussion, this is who he is and you’ve colluded too long in his God complex.

He puts a monetary value on his work.
He doesn't put a monetary value on anything you do.
He has confused the roles of employer and husband and now behaves as if he is the boss and in charge of ALL your time and activities, including the unpaid household duties
It sounds like nothing you do is sufficient. If you worked (and I mean at either job - company job or household/childcare) an extra two hours a day and did extra tasks, would he be satisfied?. or would he find some other area in which you didn't meet his exacting standards? Do you think the extra work would keep him happy?
I get that he may be stressed, running your own business isn't easy but he is taking it out on you, when you are already doing everything you can. You should be allowed a day off if you planned it a while ago. You should be allowed to go to the sodding Dentist for gods sake.
I cannot see what YOU get out of this situation - other than a demanding hard work life where nothing you do is enough, or is appreciated.
As the pp above says, are you a joint owner in this business - as you are 50% of the workforce. If not and he is your employer, do you get NI contributions? Pension? Sick days, paid holiday?
His roles have melded into one and that is that he seems to consider himself your boss - you need to discuss this with him.
Ask yourself are there really any achievable changes that will make him any happier with you.. and also if him being happier with you is the most important thing in your life. What changes would you like to see.
Are the deficiencies in his business all down to you? Is he in fact managing the business properly and are there changes he could make that would make everything less stressful (an extra employee for eg) Is he being practical or just a perfectionist?

Can’t “go on strike” in the home because all that would achieve is I’d have more work at the end of it and no one would have clothes to wear and my animals would be neglected.

A couple of weeks of him not having any clothes and him not having dinner made might focus his mind.

I know a few recipes DD and I like but DH doesn't. I don't make them for us all because DH is nice. Yours isn't.