Apparently I don’t work hard enough

[AsLongAsIHaveMyTea]

I’m not sure if I’m being selfish or not here. I’m feeling a bit confused.
My husband and I run a small business together. He is the head of the company and works full time. I work 30 hours a week sometimes more, never less. He is the one “in charge” as it were. Most questions get directed at him and he has the final say. This dynamic has worked fine tbh for a long time. I have worked less as I have all the responsibilities at home.
For example I’m the one who walks the dogs, does the laundry, tidying, cleaning, organises clubs and school things for DS, all the cooking, shopping etc etc and I do this in the extra hours I don’t work at the business. My husband never does any house jobs.
I am better at the house jobs and I’m happy to do them, my husband is better at the business.
I thought this dynamic worked but recently he has taken on another job (not many hours, computer based and from home) this is because it could lead to a better job in the future. With this he has expected me to “step up” at our business and says I’m not working enough. I said that I can’t do full time hours and all my other things I do for the family but he says I need to prioritise work and I’m not working hard enough.
If I don’t do the house jobs though literally no one would have any clothes to wear, the dogs wouldn’t get walked etc etc. I already get up very early to fit everything in and I’m exhausted by the end of the day. I’m not a lazy person and I’m trying to make excuses.
Maybe I am being just being silly though and I need to just grow up, get on with it and take up the slack with the business and just try to fit the other jobs in. I’m really not sure. I know I’m annoying him at the moment because he keeps telling me how I am. I just don’t think he sees any value in me doing anything except working in the business.
Also if I go out for a dentist appointment or a doctors appointment he gets annoyed the next day saying that “you’re never here”. I did go out last week on a planned day off which he also got annoyed about. This was a one off that I had planned months ago and had had it agreed with him. As I’m writing this though maybe I should have cancelled as circumstances changed and he took this extra job so maybe I should have just stayed at work instead of going out.
So as not to drop feed I don’t go out with my friends, I don’t drink, party or anything I just work and prioritise my family.

Tell him "NO".
Also tell him you refuse to be dictated to. Tell him he does none of the housework and he appreciates nothing you do and you'll be fucking damned if he thinks he's going to be ordering you around telling you to "work more" while he doesn't contribute to the household stuff.
No negotiations, no discussions, no compromises at all. The answer is no.

I wouldn't be feeding him or washing his clothes either.

Well this is what happens when you treat a man as if he’s your lord and master.

Why are you behaving like this, so submissive and meek? Why do you have no agency over your own life, you’ve just accepted your place as his servant!

He is the one “in charge” as it were. Most questions get directed at him and he has the final say.

With this he has expected me to “step up” at our business and says I’m not working enough. I said that I can’t do full time hours and all my other things I do for the family but he says I need to prioritise work and I’m not working hard enough.

He's more of a boss than a husband.
He certainly reckons he's the boss of you.

Why does he do fuck-all in the house?
I would resign, get myself a full time job, outsource as much domestic drudgery as possible, & ensure he pays for 50% of it.

I'd probably then divorce him, as I can't be doing with men who believe women are their skivvies.

Are you for real?

No.

You should resign because your husband is a bastard.

Your husband sounds awful. You are his wife, not a slave.

Get a new job with a new boss and let him employ someone to cover your role.

This should be the default question to 90% of "relationship"-type posts on MN

Is he paying you the going rate, NI and pension contributions? If not, resign and get a job with a proper employer.

What is this man for? Like, what does having him in your life actually mean for you? He sounds like a dick.

I agree he sounds awful but I also find it odd that people would work and earn less so they can have pets. I would be annoyed if a partner got

Sorry but 30 hours + housework is what many women do! Unless you have caring responsibilities for kids or an elderly person I kind of agree with your husband

Ooops posted too soon. I would be annoyed if a partner got animals and then contributed less if that wasn’t a joint decision

Come on OP stop being an idiot.

He gets to only work and boss you around, but you're meant to work and do all the housework? I'd dump him, have some self respect

The responses on this thread are so unhelpful and typical MN.

1, are you a Co-owner of the business? Is your new role a senior one leading things?

1. Are your family finances dependent on this business combined with your husband's salary
2. What age are the kids?
3. How much of the house stuff do you currently outsource and is the potential to make money from the business greater?

Sounds like the business wasn't as lucrative as your OH hoped so he took another job (good on him) but it brings in some money, so he wants you to step up.

What is your legal situation in your job and in your marriage? Are you legally married according to the law of whatever country you're living in? (most likely you are in UK but occasionally people post who are in other countries). Are you legally employed by his business or are you part owner or what?

I think that having your husband as your employer is problematic for your marriage. I don't want to overinterpret but I'm getting the impression your husband is using his position as your employer to be controlling within the marriage, complaining about you going to the doctor or dentist, telling you that you are not working hard enough when you are, from the sounds of it, already working (whether on his company or family stuff) whenever you are awake, etc. You say that he keeps "telling me how I am." I hope you realize that it is not ok for him to do that. You need to have a voice about your own reality within your marriage and working for your husband seems to be preventing that.

If you continue to work for him, he will have the ability to control not only your income, your time off, and what you do during every hour of the day, but also if you quit then you will likely not have a neutral work history as it's not likely your husband will give you a good reference if you try to look for a new job. Do you get a pension? Do you have an official work history or is all of this "under the table?"

Depends. Many people work full time and manage to feed their kids and do washing. However being told categorically that you need to do more with no discussion isn’t on. Is it for a set period while this other job is ongoing? Is all money shared? Who would do the work needed if neither of you did it?

Why can’t he do it then?

No, it's because your boss is a dick and you would be better treated elsewhere, and probably get paid more.

@ladykale
It isn't a race to the bottom.

Not sure what your set up is regarding the business but if you are a paid employee for 30 hours a week and he wants you to do more. Then you do so on the proviso that all the house responsibilities, such as pets, children, laundry, cooking etc are split absolutely down the middle along with the increased pay for more hours and corresponding reduction in his wages to take account of him putting less hours into the business. If you are working unpaid then you to rethink working for him!

Exactly! You never hear people saying on Mumsnet that men should work full time, do most of the childcare and do all the housework, but women are expected to.

I also wonder if you are being paid fairly for the work you do, OP. If not, I agree that you should find a better job. Your husband needs to do more at home too.

You could do more hours on the business but cut out his laundry and anything you do specifically for him.

One big question:

How are you paid by the business -are you an employee?

A couple of smaller questions:

Is it a Partnership, a Ltd Company, or a Sole Trader?
If it is a Partnership or a Ltd Company, are you a partner or director?
Do you get payslips with tax and NI deducted?
Do you have a pension?
Do you get paid holiday?

Look for another job that fits in with all the 'wifework' ffs I didn't like typing that. Then tender your resignation and watch him squirm. But do not call his bluff - find another job.
Then you can work on your life which to me sounds like hard labour and no joy with this man

Let me put it a different way for you:

As a couple, there is a certain amount of work to be done - both paid and not paid. to date, that has been split so that he did a higher proportion of the paid and you did a higher proportion of the not paid. That worked for you all.

Now, there is more paid work to be done. As a result, there is more to be done by the same number of people.

But, if I understand his instructions correctly, although he is the one who made the decision regarding the additional paid work (and hours) he wants you to be the one who accommodates those? he has abandoned his regular hours and expects you to do those instead alongside all the hours you are already doing?

That's not okay.

Option 2 is that you will both be doing more paid hours to accommodate this new additional role. That is fairer. BUT... as it impacts both of you, is a discussion you should have had before so that it was agreed how these extra hours were going to be managed.

Do you share all the finances? Or are you paid ap pittance for your share of the business work?

Honestly I think you should be able to work full time and the household tasks also get done. If they are not fitting in, I expect it may well be because he's not pulling his weight. He needs to do 50% of dog walking, cleaning, organising etc. So give him a to do list of 50% of those things. Don't miss anything off the list or you'll still be doing too much. He could perhaps do all the laundry and cooking if you do the shopping and cleaning? Kids tasks 50/50. He sorts dogs out Mon-Wed or Thur-Sun, entirely, no support. Something like that I guess. If he's not willing to do this then he's a complete taker and should be ashamed.